Chapter 46 (Shizuko)
My mother was very graceful when she wanted to be. I admired how she poured tea into our cups and passed it to Byakuya and I. She ruined it when she patted my cheek very hard and grinned crookedly.
"Drink up, kid," She laughed, "Your grandmother swears that this stuff will have you back on your feet in no time."
I sniffed it and wrinkled my nose, "It certainly smells like it won't."
Her chuckle resonated in her chest, deep like a lion. She clinked her cup to Byakuya just to piss him off, which seemed successful as he scowled at her. I snorted in laughter, which made her laugh too.
We all froze as Rukia screamed. It jarred us all. She was in Renji's arms as he threw her into my koi pond. I tried not to think about what was happening to my fish as he cannonballed in there as well. But I couldn't help but be jealous of how wild and carefree they both were.
I wanted to join them. But then I remembered that I would be unwelcomed company. It wouldn't have bothered me as much if they weren't courting one another in my sodding garden.
Rukia yelled at Renji as he splashed her. She flicked his nose and he taunted her. I flinched as I saw one of my koi dive away from them. It was so flustered that it landed out of the water.
"Renji, pipe it down," My mother hissed.
I padded over to the little fish on the side. Everyone seemed surprised, as if they hadn't seen the creature floundering out beside the ruckus Renji and Rukia made. It was almost dead, barely breathing as it used the rest of the water in its gills.
I scooped it up into my arms and hurriedly put him back into the water. For a frightening moment, he wasn't moving. I ran a single finger over his slippery scales, tears welling up in my eyes. These koi were bred from the ones Jirou had given to me as an anniversary present. But this one was the last of the original ones—an old, frail female.
"Sorry," He came over and gave me a kiss on the head. I tried to brush it off and act like the noise wasn't a big deal. But it was. Their noise pierced my skull and gave me one hell of a headache. "Is your fish okay?"
She finally twitched. I finally let my breath out as she began to swim around. Slow and methodical, unlike my heartbeat. My throat constricted and I rubbed my Soul Chain as it began to burn uncomfortably.
Renji helped me back to my seat. My eyes caught Rukia's as he did, and I narrowed my gaze. This was beginning to test my patience beyond no end.
"Stay out of my pond," I snipped at the two of them. I stared at the choppy waves they left behind. It was exactly how I felt. Disturbed.
Soon, they were making a racket again. My mother's patience was growing extremely thin. Truth be told, so was mine. Seeing the two of them fawn over one another so openly was insulting.
"Rukia, Renji."
We all turned to Byakuya, who still sat with his tea in his hands and his eyes shut. Though his eyebrows were scrunched together in irritation.
"Your cousin, and fifth-seat, was very generous in tending to both of you when you fell ill on separate occasions. I don't believe it's unreasonable that we all extend her the same curtesy."
"Byakuya, it's fine—" I began but he silenced my protest quickly.
"Noise and childplay is useless company for the ill and injured," He said simply, "And quite frankly, I'm growing tired of it as well."
The silence that followed was stiff. Awkward. I felt like I was to blame. I was the one who was clinging to a man who clearly was in love with another woman. As much as I wanted this wild, full-of-life man to be mine…he was already hers.
I met Rukia's eyes again. We both glared at one another. All those years ago, this young girl had been someone who revered me. Now, as a woman, she was my rival.
I stood up with my mother as she prepared to leave. She would be going back to the World of the Living to visit my father again. I could see the spark in her eyes as she spoke about her last visit, and how she wanted to take me to this Ferris wheel just outside Karakura.
"Be safe," She squeezed me tightly, "Visit your grandmother if you have a chance…and Shizuko—"
"I know," I squeezed her hands, "I know what I have to do, Mom."
She cupped my cheek and whispered, "I'm sorry…he's an idiot."
I shrugged, "Maybe. But I am too."
After she had left, I found myself by the pond again. My koi drifted around like underwater butterflies. So graceful and quiet. It was why I loved them so much. Their movements put me at peace.
I surprised myself as I slipped my shoes off and dipped my toes into the water. Ripples broke across the surface as I submerged my feet into the cold depths of the pond. It bit at my skin as I lowered myself into it until it reach my waist.
My koi swarmed around me, expecting food. I reached out and let their slimy bodies skim past my fingertips. I had never done this before, but they didn't seem to mind. They just continued to wade around the pool. My lips tilted up into a grin.
"You shouldn't be in there," Byakuya startled me. He was looming behind me, disapproval so clear in his eyes. "It's unbecoming."
"It is," I smiled as I touched the old female from earlier, "That's what makes it fun."
I saw his lips quirk up a little, but he said nothing more. He only moved when I braced myself against the edge. It was beginning to get too cold and I felt myself becoming chesty. But as I began to hoist myself out of the water, his hands slipped under my arms. I looked up at him as he picked me up and set me down beside him.
"You're dripping wet," He muttered as he handed me my shoes.
I rung out the hem of the lace sundress I wore. I started smiling again and I could stop. The spontaneity of what I had just done thrilled me, and it suddenly felt like I had found a missing piece of my puzzle. When had I lost that daring attitude?
My thoughts were interrupted as Byakuya lay my shawl over my shoulders. It had been Jirou's, and I had worn it ever since. It was one of those things I could never give up. A bittersweet memory of my dearest companion.
I ran my fingers over the cloth and could still feel the remnants of his energy, "I don't remember bringing this outside."
"I brought it when I saw you climb into the pond." It was then that I noticed that he had cleared the table of the tea tray.
My cheeks heated up and I cleared my throat, "Thank you."
We walked back into my house together. I shivered as the air cooled down my clothes and hair. I only grinned as Byakuya made a smart remark about it.
"Let me change quickly," I said softly as we came in through the kitchen door, "I can make lunch if you haven't eaten yet."
He took his time replying as he settled into a chair at the wooden, circled table I had, "I haven't eaten anything today."
I nodded, "I'll be right back."
I quickly stripped myself of my wet dress and pulled on a pair of denim shorts and a shirt. I was shrugging on a cardigan when I noticed Renji pacing outside my front door. I had thought he had left earlier because he and Rukia weren't present when I had come back. I hadn't really given him much thought until now.
"Renji?" I asked as I opened the door. He stopped pacing and I tilted my head, "Are you alright?"
"I…" He met my eyes and suddenly stopped. My heart sunk. I knew this hesitation. I knew that look.
I came outside and shut the door behind me. He stood stock-still as I took a seat on my swinging bench and waited quietly for him to speak. His fists were clenched by his sides while mine were clenched in my lap.
"I understand," I spoke after he didn't say anything. He moved but I had fixated my gaze on my hands. Tears were spilling down my cheeks even though I had braced myself for this inevitable outcome for weeks.
He knelt in front of me and whispered, "I love her too."
"You can't love her too," I moved as he tried to brush my hair away. I wouldn't allow anyone see me like this. No one would see me crumble. "You can love me. Or you can love her. It's one or the other. You know which one of us you want more."
"You can't tell me it's that simple—"
"But it is," I finally took a deep breath and wiped my tears away. Renji stared at me with wide eyes as I straightened myself out, "You choose her?"
"I…I do," His voice was weak, "I'm sorr—"
I had already walked back inside and shut the door, "Have a good day, Lieutenant."
I didn't move. I didn't say anything as I waited for the sounds of his feet moving away. And when they finally did, I cried into my hands again. The pain in my heart was so much worse than the pain in my Soul Chain. For a brief moment, I felt like I had when I had lost Jirou.
Perhaps that's why he kept playing on my mind of late. Because this was the same kind of grief. At the end of it all, heartbreak was grieving over someone you lost. The only difference was that they were alive and you would have to face them again…being happy with someone who wasn't you.
I quickly remembered that Byakuya was still waiting for me. I dried my blotchy cheeks and hurried back. To my relief, he was still sitting in his chair. Except now there was a fresh pot of tea that he had prepared.
"You read my mind," I lifted the cup and took a sip. I shut my eyes and fought the urge to cry anymore. My voice was soft and cracked when I spoke again, "This is my favorite kind."
"I know," He only sipped at his tea when I glanced up at him. "I'm still hungry, Shizuko."
I smiled, "I'm quite good in the kitchen—my mother and grandmother taught me all there is to know. What would you like?"
"A simple sandwich would do."
I still felt my chest suffocate itself as I joked with him. But still, making him and I something to eat gave me something to do. I was suddenly very grateful for Byakuya's company. Nowadays, he was always there when I needed someone…
"A sandwich? I tell you that I can make anything you want—and you, Byakuya Kuchiki, the snob of all snobs—want a sandwich," I chopped up lettuce and tomatoes as I nattered on, "Well, sir, I'm going all out of this sandwich—"
I froze when I felt his presence behind me. His hands were on my shoulders and he turned me around. I didn't move as he swept my hair back and gazed down on my tearful eyes. I looked down as my jaw trembled.
And before I could think anymore, I wrapped my arms around him. He said nothing as I buried my face into his kimono and wept quietly. He only lay his hand on the back of my head.
