Disclaimer: I do not own KOTOR or the SW Universe! I do own my own little spot on cloud 9 though. Don't get any ideas ;)
Ok, I'm super sorry about not updating but my week hasn't exactly gone as planned. Long story short: I ended up working days I wasn't meant too (my days off) and then went on a surprise college visit for the weekend! (That was amazing, but I wasn't able to work on my chapter at all.) So all my free time had been taken up leaving me unable to update as I would have liked. And, a deal is a deal. I have place $10 in a Jar and it will not be touched until this story is finished. A promise is a promise after all.
Hopefully, you guys like this chapter! Enjoy!
Teachings of Self-Redemption
"Lord, make me an instrument of your peace; where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy."
This was just horrible.
The worst, really.
This wasn't how she pictured her day going and yet here she was.
The sun had dimmed down a great deal, signaling the end of the day. Streams of sweat poured down her face as she struggled across the plains of Dantooine. The Cathar on her back grew heavier with each step she took. Two lumps had been painfully formed on her head and Samirah was only going to take responsibility for one. Seriously. It wasn't her fault. This Cathar was being the most difficult person to transport and so she only had herself to blame for it.
One lump had formed when Juhani had awoken after she had helped Bolook with the murder. She failed, by the way. It was awful. How was she supposed to know they were both guilty? It could have just as easily been a coincidence but as Bolook shed light on it, it made sense too. How had she missed it? It was so obvious that they both were responsible for killing the man—not that he didn't have it coming but it still wasn't the best idea to go out and kill him. Bolook wasn't angry but he wanted her to see the point. She did. But he couldn't expect her to solve a crime like that under conditions like this, could he? She was too worried about Juhani waking up or escaping while interrogating the suspects.
And of course, that's exactly what she did.
She didn't wake up until after the verdict had been reached and after Bolook had explained his lesson to her. When he left with the men in custody and the information droid in tow, Juhani had begun to stir. When she was alert, Samirah noticed that she had awoken and within an instant, a fight erupted between them. It was short but far from easy. Samirah had suffered a couple of bruises and even a really deep scratch mark on her cheek from the Cathar's long nails. It was a cat fight down to the last letter. Samirah was internally grateful that she had confiscated the lightsaber from her but had no chance to ignite her own.
After several moments of pointless screams and fighting with their hands, Juhani had finally pinned Samirah down and attempted to claw her eyes out. A few times she reached for the lightsabers strapped to Samirah's belt but she wasn't about to allow that. Samirah had grabbed a nearby rock and slammed it into the side of Juhani's head.
Payback for the wound on Samirah's head.
It was justifiable.
When Juhani's body fell limp against the grass, Samirah elbowed her just for extra measure. She couldn't handle the woman waking up again. Another scuffle would take all of Samirah's energy away—at least the bit that she had left. She ripped the cloth off of her sleeve and used it to bind Juhani's hands in the event she awoke with a fuss again. In the process of trying to hoist the unconscious Cathar on her back… she may have dropped her once… or twice. Any injuries she sustained from that were on her head, not Samirah's. She was enough trouble as it was. Samirah couldn't do much about the scratch until she was back at the enclave.
Was it really this far away?
She didn't remember walking so far… wait, was it a left turn or a right turn? She gritted her teeth out of frustration as she focused on simply moving. One foot forward. Now the other one. If she could keep moving, she could at least find a place to stay at or maybe a nice little cave to camp in. Could she do that? Would Juhani even last that long.
A crack of thunder made the decision for Samirah.
She lifted her head to see the clouds rolling in, streaks of lighting flashing across the sky followed by the crackle of thunder. A storm was approaching and so far, the only shelter in sight was a tree.
A tree.
That would just not suffice.
She pushed her legs forward, praying to the Force to grant her legs a little bit of speed and to make herself move faster. Just that simple act of using the Force was enough to tear away at her strength. She had to keep going and beat the rain to a shelter—anything but the tree. She held on tight to the Cathar and moved faster, grunting under the pressure and panting as her lungs went into overtime. They weren't pumping enough air out for her and that caused her chest to burn terribly. She was able to break into a light jog in hopes of finding a better shelter—hopefully one that wouldn't catch fire in the unlikely event that lightning struck it.
She passed the tree, stumbling over rocks and tree branches as the wind began to pick up ever so slightly, dropping the temperature down a few notches. The few Kath hounds that had been prowling the area must have already hidden and found shelter when they sensed the oncoming storm. That was the downside to living in the plains, to living on a planet that was nothing but a giant plain—you were susceptible to a random onslaught of storms. They appeared out of nowhere and were on you before you could even blink twice.
The first sprinkles of rain descended on her head, alerting her of the inevitable. The storm was only seconds away. She pushed her legs to go faster as she rounded a corner and hurried along the edges of the dirt wall. The rain fell down heavier as each second past and the thunder sounded closer, nearly in sync with the flashes of light. Each clash of thunder made her cringe and let out a small whimper. It rained so hard that she could hardly see where she was going. She needed to find cover. Shelter. She needed out of the rain and fast. Her eyes spotted a small cavern off to the side and she immediately directed her feet to head that way. Her legs argued but she pushed them to go anyway, her feet nearly slipping on the newly saturated ground. Her balance was off as she stumbled towards the cave, her energy nearly evaporated.
She was at the point where she couldn't even feel her legs. They sort of just kept moving because that's what she wanted them to do. She struggled with each step until her feet managed to step on the dry stone of the cave. The moment she was inside, her exhaustion gave way as she collapsed against the stone. Juhani's arms were still bound and around Samirah's neck as she disentangled her and pushed her away. Samirah couldn't find the strength to check on the Cathar so she opted for just not moving at all.
She was completely drained, her hair now damp from the rain and her clothes saturated down to her bones. She was freezing. The cave was indeed dry but it was a far cry from warm. You would think that a cave in the plains would be warm from all the hot air or the dry weather. She guessed that being hidden under a mountain of earth was enough to keep it cool. She shivered from the chill that slithered up her spine, making her bottom lip quiver. She found enough strength to pull her legs up to her chest and wrap her arms around herself.
Her clothes were clinging to her skin, only making her colder. Her eyes started to droop but she refused to let them close just yet. She moved her head slowly, just enough to peer over at the Cathar. She was just as wet as Samirah and her clothes were just as soaked. If she wasn't properly covered, she would get sick from the cool air in the cave. Samirah made herself sit up, her body still protesting in agony as she slowly unwrapped her robe. Underneath she wore a simple, white tank top and the loose pants that accompanied the traditional robes of the Jedi.
She twisted the robe as hard as she could with whatever little pieces of strength she still had in her as the water dripped out onto the stone floor. When she had gotten as much water as she could out, she draped it over Juhani's motionless body. Samirah was still in charge of bringing Juhani back. In her mind, the only sure way of removing the taint was to remove it from Juhani. She wasn't exactly sure how to do that, but she had to try. She had to give her a chance. Everyone deserved at least that.
Her shoulders shivered as she pulled her knees back up to her chest and leaned against the wall of the cave. She had less clothes on now, but at least she wouldn't feel guilty for the Cathar getting sick or worse. It was the best she could do under the circumstances. She cringed as another flash of lightning stretched across the sky and the thunder rocked the cave. She was cold, tired, in pain and now… slightly scared of the storm.
Slightly. She wasn't terrified or anything.
She just didn't like the loud sounds.
They were too… sudden.
She held herself close as she tried to keep her eyes opened but she found it difficult. The only thing keeping her awake was the storm, the motionless Cathar and the unbearably cold air circulating the cave. A draft really. Maybe the cave led somewhere, maybe it didn't. She wasn't about to find out. She didn't have the strength for it. She leaned her head back against the stone wall, feeling her damp hair press into her back. She didn't have enough strength to keep her arms wrapped around her arms so they fell limply into her lap, her feet slightly under her legs and off to the side.
…Where are you…?
It was a simple question that breathed across her mind but she couldn't keep focused on it. The rain and thunder drowned out any sounds. A loud clash of thunder startled her into a small little scream that she hadn't meant to let loose. This was awful. Even if the storm passed, she would be struggling to get out. If Juhani woke up, what was she going to do? Smack her with a rock again? She wasn't against the idea, really, but it was just so troublesome. She didn't think hitting the Cathar repeatedly with rocks was going to do either one of them any good.
Especially if she ended up killing her by accident… that would be counterproductive.
Samirah…
There it was again. That voice.
She couldn't answer. It wouldn't matter. She didn't even know where she was. Her eyes continued to stare out into the storm, not seeing anything outside of the cave. Only rain. Only lightning. The air made her shiver again as the wind passed by her damp skin, wind caused by the constant rainfall. The light outside had faded away leaving her in the darkness of the cave save for the few flashes of lightning that illuminated the interior of the cave. She hesitantly reached for her lightsaber and flicked it on to see the beam shoot from the hilt. It glowed brightly to provide her with a little bit of light in the cave.
She waved it around slowly, listening to the hum before a shiver down her back made her drop it. Her fingers were too cold. The lightsaber remained on as it rolled away slightly, near the mouth of the cave shedding only a glimmer of light. Her eyes tried to close on her again but she struggled desperately to keep them open. That black void was only a breath away. It was pulling on her, tugging forcefully but painfully on her mind to bring her into its depths. The lack of strength making it harder for her to resist.
It was always like this… a glimmer, a spark, a small light…
…Don't forget these small moments…
…It'll never be same…
She struggled against it, a pain that etched into the far recesses of her mind. If she let it go free, it was painful; If she struggled against it, it was painful. She couldn't win either way. It was… lonely. It was cold and she wanted to cry against it. This cave reminded her so much of that void that she was always being pulled into; cold, dark and even if she hated to admit it… terrifying. If she slipped back into that void, she wasn't sure what would happen.
Samirah! Samirah!
Why wouldn't it stop? Why did the voice persist? Why did it beckon her? She didn't want anything to do with it, she didn't want to be plagued by things she didn't know. She squeezed her eyes closed as she shook her head, willing the voices to go away. A crackle of thunder made her squeal as she cringed into the side of the wall. The sound was so loud that she felt the rumble in her chest. She was so tired and it was so easy to fall asleep.
All she had to do was keep her eyes closed…
She just needed to block out the thunder…
Rest was good. It was needed.
Her body felt numb so she couldn't shiver anymore. The rain and the wind along with the absence of the sun had made it extremely hard for her to get warm. Add the fact that her robe was now draped over the Cathar and she was chilled to the bone. She didn't think the plains of Dantooine could get so cold but then again, she was always inside the enclave. Here, she didn't have a fire. She just wanted to sleep.
Samirah! Samirah!
"Stop it!" She found herself screaming but it wasn't as loud as she thought. It was hardly even there as she realized how her lips quivered.
Her eyes began to water as she continued to stare out into the storm. She mildly wondered if Carth was worried. He had given her until dusk to return… and it was well past dusk. He wouldn't be silly enough to be searching in the rain. No one would do that. They would wait until it was gone. That would be the sensible thing to do. Especially in a storm as fierce as this one.
And yet… she couldn't help but wish he was here.
Samirah!
The voice got louder and she was ready to scream. Normally she wouldn't want to cry because of that void that tried so hard to claim her but this time it wasn't just the void. It was becoming a Jedi. It was trying to bring back the Cathar. It was being pushed to her limits. It was living up to everyone's expectations. It was accomplishing all the goals set out before her…
And she didn't even know them all yet.
Her head leaned back against the cave as a small stream spilled over her cheek. What was she going to do… there was too much to risk falling asleep. Too much to risk not to fall asleep. The Cathar would only be asleep for so long and Samirah was willing to bet she wouldn't wake up happy. Especially not with the kind of headache she was bound to wake up with.
Samirah!
Her eyes drooped as they struggled to stay open, the voice continuing to get louder until she realized it wasn't a voice from the black depths of her mind… it was an actual voice. Someone was looking for her. It took her a moment to realize that someone was actually looking for her… Was that too much to hope for? Was it just a trick of the mind? Of that black abyss?
Surprisingly, the voice seemed to be headed in her direction but her mind was too tired to try and put the voice to a person. Maybe she didn't know them. If that was the case, how did they know her name? Her head bobbed forward as her eyes started to close, the last reserves of her energy failing. It was so simple… so easy… just a little rest. Just a little shut-eye. That's all she needed.
Was that too much to ask for?
Carth was going to kill her.
Granted, he hadn't waited very long before he started his search. He practically went back out to search for her the moment they returned. He did give her some time before he headed back out, but he could only sit still for so long. He had ventured back out into the plains, heading back to the spot where she had stayed to help the Jedi. When he arrived, they were already gone. He had let out a long string of curses because he hadn't run into her on his way there so that meant she either went the wrong way or took a different route.
He didn't like either idea.
What made it worse was the crackle of thunder overhead that was followed by ominous clouds that materialized out of thin air. You had to expect storms in this kind of terrain but it was very inconvenient to have at the moment. The wind picked up, ruffling his already ruffled hair from the numerous times that he had run his fingers through it. He knew it was only a matter of time before the rain descended on him which meant that it would soon be very difficult to find Samirah. He broke out into a light jog, calling out for Samirah.
He wasn't sure how much of his voice was heard over the crackles of thunder but he damn well tried to make them heard. Where would she go? Most of the other routes back to the Enclave were longer and he hadn't run into her… so where was she? His mind showed him images of her at the hands of the Cathar, left to whatever fate met her at the mercy of the Dark Jedi. The sky had changed to a darker and grimmer setting with clouds rolling in like waves.
Where did he need to look? Where did she go? He continued to yell for her as the rain began to pour like teardrops, the smell of fresh rain filling his senses.
"Where are you? Samirah!"
She was always a step ahead. Always out of reach.
"Samirah!"
The rain fell heavier and within seconds, his hair was drenched in each drop of rain. His vision started to blur just a bit but he blinked them clean as he quickened his pace. She couldn't possibly have passed him. Even if she had taken a longer route around, she would still be out here somewhere. He knew he shouldn't have left her alone. He knew he should have stayed. He knew it. The crackle of thunder sounded over head, alerting him that he needed to find shelter and quick.
He could only hope she had done that.
"Samirah!"
He rounded a corner of the hillside and started looking for shelter but he didn't stop calling out her name. She was out here and Carth was going to find her. As the thunder sounded again, he could have sworn that he heard a small cry but in this weather it was hard to be sure. He kept wiping at his eyes as he looked around but finding it hard to see through the rain. Why was it so hard? This was the worst timing ever for this to happen.
Where in the blazes was she?
He paused for a moment to scan the area, squinting his eyes as he called her name as loud as he could but to no avail. He didn't get a response. Of course he didn't. She wasn't here. He did one last look around the area before his eyes caught sight of something faintly glowing.
Glowing?
He pulled his jacket in closer as he slowly walked towards it as the thunder pounded overhead and the lightning flashes showing him fragments of the area around him. Under one good flash, he saw a cave that was snuggled beneath the hillside. A small green light illuminated from the mouth of the small cave. He started for the cave, trying to place the green light and figuring out its origin. As he got close, the light became clearer and he realized after several moments of thought that the green light was actually the light glowing from a lightsaber.
Samirah's lightsaber was green!
He broke out into a full on run for the cave when the realization hit him. She was in there. It had to be her! He pushed all the water from his face as he pushed his legs towards the cave hoping to find her there instead of just a sole lightsaber. The moment he stepped inside the small cavern, it was like stepping through a wall of water and then onto a somewhat dry surface. He was grateful that the bright orange jacket that he always wore wasn't wet—the water just slid off the material.
He shook his head and tried to quickly adjust his eyes to the inside of the cave, not realizing he was panting until he heard himself within the cave. He immediately noticed the Cathar who had a Jedi robe draped over her to keep her semi warm. Carth couldn't tell if she was just sleeping or if she was still unconscious but decided that at this present moment in time, it wasn't his priority. His eyes darted around the cave until they fell on the one girl he had been searching for.
"Samirah!" He was quickly at her side kneeling down, her eyes closed and her skin a little paler than he would have liked.
She shivered at his sudden proximity making him realize that she was only in a tank top and her loose fitting pants that were all clinging to her skin. She was soaked from head to toe and this cave wasn't exactly warm. Without hesitating, he unzipped his own orange jacket and slipped it off revealing the dry t-shirt beneath it. He slid his arm behind Samirah, feeling how cold her skin actually was as he draped the jacket over her shoulders. The sudden contact made Samirah lurch forward and gasp as her eyes flew open.
Her head slowly turned to look at Carth as her eyes drooped again but she refused to let them close.
"Carth…?" Her voice was barely above a whisper as her body swayed a bit. He caught hold of her shoulders to keep her from falling over. "..What are… you doing here…?"
"Samirah, I've been looking everywhere for you!" He didn't exactly shout, but he did raise his voice. "I was worried when you didn't come back, especially since you still had that Cathar in your hands." She shivered, her body still swaying slightly and her head bobbing.
"I'm… sorry… I just—"A crack of thunder sounded with a loud bang making her squeal and cringe into Carth's side. He froze for a moment, not sure what his next course of action was. What did you do in this situation?
"Are—Are you scared?" She shook her head.
"No… it's not… scary… I'm not scared… I can't be…" Her body shivered either from the cold or from fear. Carth was willing to bet both. He pulled the jacket tight around her shoulders and kept her close to him in an attempt to keep her warm. When she continued to shiver, he acted rather than think.
He pulled her on to his lap and wrapped his arms around her. He was trying to warm her up. There was nothing wrong with that. He was surprised to find no resistance from her but instead, found her clinging to him. She leaned into his chest, holding her arms up to her own chest in an attempt to keep warm herself. Carth could hear his own heartbeat as he cradled the small woman in his arms. So fragile. Moments like these reminded him that no matter how strong and willful she was, she would always need someone to look out for her.
She would always need him to keep her out of trouble.
He held her close, not worried at all about the dampness of her clothes or her hair. He just wanted her to rest now that he was there. He could hear her breathing slowing down and became a bit more relaxed as she eased into sleep. Her head rested against his chest and fell back slightly allowing him a glimpse of her face. Strands of her hair clung to her face and her lips were parted ever so slightly as she slumbered in his arms.
He found himself smiling at her as he kept the jacket wrapped securely around her. Her face would scrunch up every so often and she would shiver uncontrollably from the cold wind that drifted in so he did his best to shield her. The lighting had already started to move away but each shock of thunder would make her jump, even in her sleep. One of her hands found his shirt and gripped it tightly before relaxing ever so slightly against him. He didn't know what to do from here on. He was just happy to find her ok and unharmed.
Mostly.
He noticed the deep scratch mark on her cheek that had gone untreated. If she wasn't in his arms, he would have started to patch it up but he was afraid that if he moved her or let go of her, she would awaken. He didn't want that. He wanted her to have this moment to rest. This time, he would be watching over her. This would be his chance to be of some worth to this seemingly perfect girl. Had he known he would have been tossed in with her on some miraculous turn of fate, maybe then he wouldn't have given her such a hard time on Taris. Maybe things wouldn't have been so hard for her.
As time passed by, so did the storm. The night stayed cold as the rain drizzled outside, the remnants of the severe storm easily heard off in the distance. A small flash could be seen and a few minutes later, the rumble of thunder would echo across the plains making the sound reverberate within the depths of the cave. A small puddle had formed at the mouth of the cave and Carth had to move Samirah slightly to avoid any contact with it. She was still in his arms, almost cradled there as he supported her back. He started to doze off a few times but would always awaken with the fear of dropping her. He didn't want to do that or to move away and fear her catching cold.
His best alternative was to lie down next to her.
…Well…
For some reason, that idea settled funny in the pit of his stomach.
He pushed the feeling away in an attempt to ignore it, not needing to pay it any attention at the moment. It had no meaning. He just needed to ignore it and the sound of his own heartbeat. Neither one was important at the moment. The Cathar had yet to move any but he wasn't sure how long she was going to stay like that. He wondered if the frigid cold air in the cave and her damp clothes had killed her. If she was really a Sith then it was for the best and he had no sympathy towards her. It was her choice to follow down that path. Samirah should already know this and yet she was taking this risk.
He shook his head as he slowly laid Samirah down on the floor, making sure that the jacket was secure around her before he lay down beside her. He moved his arm so that it was positioned beneath her head, acting as a pillow for her before he draped his other arm over her in a last attempt to keep her warm. He was going to rest but for extra measure, his blaster pistol was gripped tightly in his hand. It was in the hand beside Samirah's head, pointed directly at the Cathar. He was going to rest, but not before he made sure Samirah stayed safe. He wasn't going to take any chances.
He rested his own head on the floor beside Samirah, keeping her close. She wouldn't get cold this night. She could rest easy, he hoped. He would there if she needed him. His eyelids slowly drooped as he slowly fell into the quiet sleep that awaited him. The only sounds he heard being the soft drizzle of rain, the far echoes of the storm, her breathing and his own heartbeat thrumming in his ear. It was… calming, making it easier for him to drift away.
Never had he felt so calm and relaxed in his sleep…
… don't forget who you are. Don't forget your place. They most certainly don't and thus, you must always know where you stand with them…
Samirah felt as the fog in her mind slowly lifted—the sign that she was resurfacing from that void. It was always the same. It was always there. The difference being that the voices changed, the scenes changed, and yet, when she woke up she couldn't remember the simplest details. What was it about? Who was talking to her? Were they even speaking to her? They were just dreams so they didn't mean anything, right?
Her mind slowly started to clear as she became more aware of her surroundings. To be more accurate, more aware of someone's arm around her. She remembered being trapped in a cave by that storm and with the Cathar but… after that… it was kind of fussy. She was scared to move, afraid of who had her encased in their arms. Surely it wasn't Juhani. That would require her to get free but if she did get free… why wouldn't she run? Why would she stay?
It couldn't be the Cathar.
The arm under her head was too muscular. The same with the one over her waist. She also could smell the musky scent wafting from them and it was… actually quite nice. Something about it was slightly intoxicating and she really didn't want to move. After a few moments of debating, she slowly opened her eyes, letting them adjust to the small glimmer of light that glistened from the puddles of water at the mouth of the cave. It was apparently early in the morning, the storm nowhere in sight but a clear day in its place.
Samirah slowly turned her head to venture a look at who had her in their arms and nearly froze when she found herself mere inches from their face. Carth's face. Her entire face turned a bright shade of red and she couldn't find the strength to move, talk or say anything really. She tried but found that her words were useless. No sound would leave her lips as she simply stared at him, her face feeling hotter and hotter. His breath came out slow and steady, feeling warm against her skin at such a close proximity.
And yet, she didn't want to pull away. It was somehow… comfortable. His arm was fastened securely around her waist, giving her this feeling of being safe and… well… not alone.
This wasn't a feeling she was used to. As a scout, all she knew was the coldness of the floor, the silent echoes of her ship and the need to keep on guard. Around Carth she felt warm, there was always some voice to fill that silence and he made it possible for her to drop her guard, even if only for a moment.
She didn't want to wake him up so she slowly rested her head back on his arm and looked across the cave in hopes of resting. Instead, her eyes met a pair of bright yellow eyes staring back at her. Juhani. She had awoken and was seated with her legs pulled up to her chest and her arms hugging them closer. The cloth that had bound her arms together was torn loose but instead of attacking, the Cathar watched them from afar. Samirah's robes draped over her shoulder to keep her warm. They stared at each other for several moments, waiting for the other to make a sudden movement but neither did.
They remained still.
It was Juhani who broke the silence as her face contorted from a stern look to one of confusion and… suspicion.
"Who is he? Jedi are not allowed to love." She questioned making Samirah's face a deep shade of red.
"What!" She said in a quiet but stern tone. "We are not lovers! Quite frankly, I don't even know why he's here! Why are you still here? Why didn't you run away or kill me when you had the chance?" She questioned quickly, desperate to change the topic.
"You have not killed me. I demand to know why." She stated brusquely and quietly, aware of the sleeping man.
"You deserve a chance." Samirah responded quietly, earning a deeper look of confusion from the Cathar.
"Another chance? You think I deserve such a thing? You do not know what I have done. You do not know anything about me or my past. You have no right to give me such a thing." She spat.
Samirah frowned, a little disappointed.
"Juhani, I don't need to know your past or your mistakes. I just need to know you. I can feel the dark side in you… but it isn't strong. It isn't you. I can feel that. We are all susceptible to falling, to giving in. And sometimes, the best of us do fall but the beauty of falling… is being able to get back up again. Learning how to keep standing even when falling seems like the best option." Juhani laughed a little darkly, hugging her legs tighter and averting her eyes.
"You are not too far gone… you are not a Dark Jedi. There is still a redemption for you. There is no peace in becoming a servant of the darkness."
"Jedi are all the same…" She whispered. "You are no different from them. They always talk about redemption and of the darkness. Of giving into the dark pretend that we are better than those around us because we fight a bigger battle in our hearts. Because we know the light and the dark, because we are a grain of sand away from tipping the scales to fall on either side. That is what is supposed to make us better.
"And yet, we do fall. How am I to accept that? You're logic is fractured… you cannot fall and be welcomed back with open arms. It's all useless. You were better off to leave me there to die." She said those words with so much malice that Samirah felt sympathy for the woman.
"Juhani, it's because of those battles that we understand. We learn to guard ourselves from the temptation. We—"
"Learn to guard ourselves from the temptation?" Her voice rose for a fraction of a second before she dropped it to avoid waking up Carth. She was considerate at least. Samirah wasn't quite ready for him to wake up yet. "No, they purposefully push you towards it. When you do something wrong, they forgive you. When you yell at them, they forgive. It's like they don't even care. Its… infuriating…" Her accent was laced around each word, her frustration evident.
They were quiet for several moments, Samirah watching as Juhani's frustration and… guilt… washed over her. It was apparent that she regretted whatever act brought her down this path and Samirah wasn't going to let her go. Samirah was bound and determined to make Juhani see what Samirah saw. Samirah saw a young woman capable of being a great Jedi but letting the shadows and the doubts of her heart hold her back; letting the darkness take its hold on her and giving in.
"There's a story I heard once…" Samirah started quietly, drawing in the attention of the broody Cathar. "The story says that in each one of us is a battle between two Kath hounds. One is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, superiority, lies, false pride, and ego. It is the darkness of your heart; it knows your ever dark desire and thrives to exploit it. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. It is the light that shines in your heart; it know your ever need and it knows you better than anyone else could ever imagine. They both exist inside of us all and they both fight." Juhani snorted as if she thought the purpose of the story was falling on deaf ears. Samirah watched her very closely, a small, sweet smile playing at her lips. After a few minutes, when Samirah had yet to speak, Juhani gave in to her curiosity as she looked away, refusing to make eye contact.
"So… who wins this battle? The one with the most strength? Speed? Who wins this battle you speak of?" She spoke like she knew the answer would be petty and it only made Samirah smile wider.
"The one you feed." She spoke simply and in those simple words, something made Juhani stop. Her face slowly shifted from arrogance to wonder. It was the simplest answer. It was the simplest story but the meaning… held so much weight.
It was true. It was the same thing that the Jedi had been telling Juhani for years but somehow, in this simple form, it made sense. It was like someone trying to tell you that two plus two was four. They could try and teach it to you a hundred and one different ways but all you needed to know was that… two plus two… equaled four.
Simple but to the point.
Juhani suddenly felt silly. She felt guilty, ashamed, disgusted and upset that it had taken her so long to realize something like that. It took someone like this woman before her to believe in her when even she herself didn't. She smiled but it was sad smile made by self-stupidity. How had she been so blind? Quatra's death should not be in vain. She would not accept forgiveness for that… but she would try to make things right. She would accept the consequences of her actions and make things right from here on out. Her eyes stung a bit from the thoughts of her former master. Blind rage. She had given into that hound of anger and she had let it become her.
No more.
"Excuse me… I-I need a moment." She said quickly before standing up and walking towards the mouth of the cave. Samirah's eyes followed her a little worriedly but Juhani stopped briefly at the entrance, looking back over her shoulder. "I will not flee. That I swear." Samirah nodded even though she knew Juhani couldn't see her.
The Cathar was encased in the light, obscuring any view Samirah had of her. She trusted Juhani, but that didn't mean she couldn't worry about her. That story was true for all of us. She really hoped that Juhani would be ok and that the story would help her fight off the darkness. She was tainted—as were they all—but now she would have to fight harder to keep from falling again. She had fed that hound of anger and made it strong—she had known the only a fragment of the power it possessed and that was enough to tempt. Now she needed to beat it back into submission and feed the hound of peace and hope.
The Kath hound of light
"That was a nice story…" Her body froze as the voice sounded in her ear, making her turn her head slowly to see Carth with one eye open.
"C-Carth! I didn't mean to… well you see… you know…." She stammered before she swallowed hard so that she could at least get a sentence out. "Hi."
Close enough.
He chuckled before yawning, pulling his hand away from her waist in the process. Samirah stopped herself from frowning at the now cold spot around her waist. She had been so warm. She was tempted for a moment to grab his hand and pull it back around her but… wait, she couldn't do that. What was she thinking? That would just be… awkward. She mentally shook herself for not thinking straight, blaming it on the nights events. She just needed a bit of time to get everything back in order.
She took his movement as a sign for her to move as well. She sat up, holding on tightly to the jacket and moved away from him slowly. As she moved, she suppressed the groan that tried to escape her lips… her back was sore. Her muscles ached and screamed in protest to every move she made. She managed to finally move into a sitting position so that Carth could wake up and move into a sitting position of his own. She noted that his blaster pistol was wrapped securely in his hand, a finger on the trigger like he had been prepared to shoot. Shoot what? There was nothing in the cave was there? He slowly holstered the weapon, not noticing her anxious glances.
He rubbed his eyes before looking at her with a smile. She had already pulled her knees up to her chest and was now hugging them tightly to her chest like the Cathar had done before her. He reached over and pulled the jacket tighter around her arms to keep her warm. Her face blushed again as she mumbled a thank you. He nodded as they sat in silence for several moments, Samirah desperately wanting Juhani to come back. Maybe her presence would break the awkward silence.
Neither one of them made any eye contact.
"You had me worried." He finally admitted, his tone low as she felt the concern emanating from him.
"I told you not too. I would have been fine." He scoffed at the idea.
"You were drenched from head to toe, Samirah. It's a wonder you haven't caught a cold. And by the way, how did you end up all the way out here? The enclave is the other way." She opened her mouth to respond but closed it.
So she had taken a wrong turn. These plains were so hard to navigate. Usually she had a good sense of direction… usually. She had to give Carth credit. He did venture out into the storm to come find her. He even kept her safe from the storm. The loud clashes of the thunder… well, it made her jittery for some reason. She had never been afraid of them before but… this time she was. Was it because the sound echoed in the cave? Or was it something else? She didn't know. All she knew as that she owed Carth. His concern was heart warming.
"I'm sorry." She finally said in a small voice earning a shocked look from Carth. "I didn't mean to worry you. Thank you for coming to find me." She smiled at him, clutching the ends of his jacket so that it didn't slip off her shoulder. He scratched the back of his head, clearly at a loss at what to say.
"Uh… well, you're welcome." He said firmly and yet, awkwardly.
They fell into silence again, neither one sure what to say... again. It was beginning to become a habit of theirs. Samirah's clothes were still slightly damp but not as bad as the night before. She noted how Carth was the same, but only in little splotches around his clothes. She felt a little guilty but what could she do? She would have to find a way to make it up to him somehow. He didn't have to come find her, but he did. He didn't have to do half the things he did but… none the less, he did them.
And he called her reckless.
Moments passed before Juhani re-entered the cave, giving Samirah a resolute gaze. Samirah's torn robes were folded as neatly as possible in the Cathar's arms. After a few moments more of silence, she spoke to them both, acknowledging Carth's presence for the first time.
"I am ready to head to the enclave when you are ready, Samirah Alda and… her companion." She said with respect, making Carth and Samirah cast glances at each other. Samirah smiled back at Juhani, happy that she was willing to go back. That meant no cat fighting on the way there. That was really a relief in more ways than one.
"We're ready now, Juhani." She nodded as she waited for them to stand up and walk outside of the cave and into the warmth of the rising sun. Samirah let out a satisfying sigh as she felt warmed to the bone. It wasn't as good as Carth's warmth, but it was enough. If the weather stayed clear and warm, her clothes would be dry in no time.
But she wasn't giving up the jacket quite yet.
They all stretched out their arms and legs before setting out. The grass was beginning to dry but the smell of fresh rain fall was still in the air. It was still morning so most of Dantooine was still asleep and Samirah really wanted to keep it that way. It was a blessing that she didn't have to carry Juhani back considering how sore her back was but it would pass in due time. The pain would ease. For now, it was her proof that she hadn't given up on the Cathar.
Proof that she was a step closer to being a Jedi.
And a step closer to stopping Malak.
She walked slightly behind Juhani while Carth kept the same pace as Samirah. His hands were in his pockets while she wore his jacket. She really didn't need it now but… she was having trouble handing it back to him. It smelled just like him and somehow… that kept her relaxed. It was strange but the simple protection that the jacket provided her was all the protection she needed. It was enough to make her smile and know that she was safe. He had come back for her. The idea made butterflies flutter in her stomach but she wasn't sure why… was that a good thing or was she just sick from her adventures that night?
This was just so confusing. She didn't know where she and Carth stood because it always changed. One moment they were enemies and the next, they were friends looking out for each other. What was odd, was that friends didn't quite fit. How truly strange.
Juhani casted a few glances back at the two humans, trying to unravel the mystery. She said they were not lovers… but that didn't seem to be truth. And yet, Juhani could hear the truth behind her words so what did that mean? What didn't make sense about it? She was pretty sure that she would never understand this woman behind her. Everything she said and did was out of the ordinary. Something she had not expected, that is for sure.
Samirah wished that the world was simple and that her mind wasn't so confused by these seemingly needless thoughts. Simple would have been best. She wanted everything was as simple as the story sounded. It made everything seem so simple. Feed the good hound, not the bad one. You would think that that was common sense but if you broke down into a more complex situation, it was hard… wasn't it? Was it that easy to tell the good Kath hound from the bad? Who did you really feed?
Who did she feed?
IMPORTANT: Ok, so if you don't generally read my before/after notes. READ THIS ONE! I'm holding a poll on my profile page regarding this story. I have made the decision to allow you guys to choose where Samirah will head after she departs from Dantooine. I give it about 3-4 chapters (tops) before we leave. It may even be less (2-3) but I thought I'd give you a heads up and the poll will stay up until I post the last chapter on Dantooine.
You guys have been amazingly supportive and I thought I'd give you this option. ^-^ (Give the credit for this idea to omolina10. He proposed the idea ^-^)
I still plan on updating the next chapter this friday lest I lose another $10 (and money is important...). I will work diligently!
Thanks a mil,
~~SilverShards~~
