It's been two years since they last spoke. Two years since her world came crashing down around her.

She wonders if he still thinks about her. Thinking of him is a habit she can't seem to quit, so maybe he's struggling with the same thing. Maybe he wonders if she still eats the same thing for breakfast every day, if she still chews on the ends of her pen caps, if she still keeps leaving her unfinished cups of tea around the house.

Does he wonder if she still loves him? Does he want her to still love him?

That's a stupid question. He's moved on, clearly. His social media is covered in pictures of her. She's a tall, red-haired goddess. She writes books with her dumb college degree and she models and she's won awards and she's so kind and calm and level-headed and—

Well, she's everything that Ally's not. Are these the things that he wanted her to be? Should Ally have become a model? Should she have written songs until her fingers bled so she'd win a Grammy? What should she have been?

She has to stop herself from spiraling because she knows he would never say or think these things about her. He never wanted Ally to be anything but herself.

She can't keep obsessing, that's what fucked everything up in the first place.


"Ally, I can't do this every time! I love you. I'm with you. I'm happy with you. Why can't you understand that? Why can't you understand that I would do anything for you?" His chest heaved up and down from yelling the same words he tells her every time they fight

"Because everything else tells me that's not true! All your fans, Jimmy, even your fucking parents! You're miserable! How can love be enough if you can't even talk about me in an interview without a slew of threats thrown at me? Don't you see? I'm tired, Austin."

"My parents love you; I think the massive photos of you on their mantel prove that. Jimmy got over his grudge when he realized he was losing more money without me than if we were together." He reached out for her hand, placing it on top of his heart. "And as for the fans, you know that I don't listen to them. They don't know what they're talking about. They don't know anything about me. About us. Keeping our relationship private isn't a bad thing. It keeps everything sacred. And it keeps you away from all that bullshit my 'fans' say about you. I love you so much baby, why can't that be enough?"

Ally thinks back to the first time Austin walked into Sonic Boom. His cheeky smile and messy blonde hair while he held two corndogs in the air after being busted for playing the drums. What if she wasn't working that day? What if her dad was working, and kicked him and Dez out, preventing Austin and Ally from ever crossing paths? What would life be like?

Certainly not as fun, but she would be safe. She would be able to walk around without paparazzi following her. She would wear whatever she wanted without someone body-shaming her. She wouldn't be the front page of a gossip magazine or the punchline in some radio show hosts joke. She wouldn't have to consult her PR team every time she wanted to post a random picture of the sunset. She would just be Ally Dawson: high school student and employee at Sonic Boom. Nothing special, but she would be happy.

In beginning it was okay. Even after the Helen Show incident, nobody bothered them. They could go to an ice cream shop without getting mobbed or go to the movies without having to take pictures with fans. They were just two kids living normal lives.

Their budding romance grew without scrutiny and even as awkward as their first date was, they were still young teenagers safe from the world's attention. That first date at a magic themed restaurant could be just between them. When things weren't working because they felt too awkward to write songs together, it was their decision to break up. Everything they did was because it's what they wanted to do. By the time they got back together their junior year, there was some hate towards Ally, but she learned from her team at the record label that that's just part of the job description. Besides it wasn't anything she couldn't handle; it wasn't even that bad. She just wouldn't go on Tweeter unless she was promoting a new song. But when Austin gave up his music career for her, the bad got worse.

Some of Ally's fans figured out what happened and jumped to her defense, but it wasn't enough. Most people didn't even care enough to figure out that it was Jimmy's fault. All they knew was that one day Austin was making music, and the next he wasn't. She couldn't hide from the fingers that were pointed at her. Everyone knew it was because of her, because of his undying love for her, that he stopped singing. No thanks to his dumb speech. Why couldn't he have just listened to her? Maybe they weren't supposed to be together. Can't he see how selfish he was being? She wouldn't ever be able to take a breath again without holding it in case someone else wanted to say something else shitty about her.

Jimmy lifted the ban after three months, but it was too late. Even five years later, Ally is afraid of picking up her phone.

"I can't do this anymore." She whispered it so quietly that if he wasn't looking into her eyes, he would have missed it. "It's so hard. I know that I chose the life of fame. But I didn't choose this. I'm in so much pain all the time. I just want to be happy. Or at least free. I have always and will always love you Austin. But your fans seem to love you more in ways that hurt me. Please just let me go." Tears stream down both of their faces as she walks out of his house. Getting into her car, she turns right down his street, taking in the last time she'll ever drive down the road where they would stargaze and dream about their future.


It's towards the end of December and her mom is still in Africa and her dad is spending the holiday with Joanna so she's all by herself on Christmas. While her parents feel horrible and tried to convince her to fly out to either of them, she's quite content being alone. Well, almost alone – she has her cat Pickles. Pickles is her best friend and the nice thing about him is that since he's a cat, he can't respond to her ramblings. And the nice thing about living alone is that no one knows that she talks to her cat.

She had no willpower to decorate in the weeks leading up to Christmas, so she didn't start putting up the ornaments on her tree until Christmas Eve. As she gets the boxes out of the closet, she notices something she hasn't seen in a couple years. It was birthday gift from Austin. He knew that she was never one for material things like jewelry or bags, so he made her a photo album entitled the "Fearsome Foursome."

She picks it up and bitterly laughs. Way to rub it in, Universe. She slides down onto the hallway floor and opens the album. The first photo is of the four of them a couple hours before the Helen Show. Their parents were so proud of them for creating a hit song and getting to perform on national television. Below, the picture is captioned "Babies' First Gig!" with gold star stickers surrounding it. Austin knew how much she loved gold stars. He knew so much about her that each page is decorated according to different things she loved. Clouds, reading, pickles, history, and him. She won't ever forget his stupid big smirk when she flipped to the page that had Austin Moon stickers all over it.

The next couple of pages are pictures of Trish and Dez arguing. He probably did something stupid and she probably called him a dumbass. She missed their pointless bickering. Do they still bicker now? They must. The three of them are still the best of friends.

She shakes those thoughts away and flips to the next page. It's a photo of her and Trish at her Quinceañera. They're arm in arm with the biggest smiles and not a care in the world, aside from freaking out about Dallas asking to dance with Ally.

She misses Trish so much. Last she heard, she was on a world tour of her play A Small Town Girl Walks Into a Big City. She's so proud of her for pursuing her dream in acting. Does Trish still think about her? Does she miss her, too?


As soon as Ally texts Trish that she broke up with Austin, she speeds over with frozen yogurt and a box of chocolates.

When she barges into her house using the spare key from under the plant pot, she can't find Ally anywhere. It isn't until she hears the faint sobs from the upstairs bathroom that she finds her, laying on the cold tile floor.

Trish pulls her up into tight hug whispering comforting words to her and they stay like that for half an hour. When it seems like Ally has cried out all the tears in her eyes, she pulls away and leans against the bathroom wall.

"What happened?"

"We broke up."

"Yeah, well I gathered that." Ally gives her a look. "But why?"

"Because I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take all the hate or the look in Austin's eyes when I say I don't want to go out because of the paparazzi. It's too much. I'm only one person. This kind of life isn't normal, and it took me too long to realize that and now it's too late. I need a clean break. I need to be out of the public eye and conversation."

Trish looked at her friend, her heart aching as she saw the dead look in her eyes. Trish has gotten her share of hate too, but never this bad. "I thought you and Austin were handling it."

"If by handling it you mean never interacting with each other outside of our homes, then yeah, we were. But that was so hard. I even couldn't like his Instagram posts or speak in the background of his Snapchat story. I couldn't talk about him in interviews or be seen at his concerts. I couldn't walk with him just to our fucking cars. I couldn't do anything without everyone hating me saying that I was no good for Austin and that I should just die. I'm so fucking sad, Trish. And if the only way I'll be left alone means I can't be with Austin anymore, then fine. I'll give them what they want."

"How is anything going to change if you're not together?" Ally looked at her incredulously.

"What?"

"How is anything going to be different? 'Fans' will still say horrible things and cameras will still follow you everywhere and magazines will still make up stories about you because that's the nature of being famous. You're only making things worse for yourself by not being with the person you love most in this world and who loves you back the same." She doesn't respond so Trish keeps talking. "I mean honestly, it's kind of selfish."

"Selfish? You're calling me selfish?" Ally's eyes show something different now, and it's not sadness. Its anger.

"Yeah. It's selfish. Austin loves you and was trying to help you. He was trying his best to keep you safe from everything. I mean, he gave up his whole fucking career for you!"

"I never asked him to do that."

"You didn't have to. He did it because he loves you."

"Well look where that got me! I got more hate. I got more negative attention from gossip channels. People started 'boycotting' my music. I got my first of countless death threats. It's not fair to ask me to keep going through shit like this just because he loves me."

"I don't know what to tell you Ally. I get that none of this is fair to you. But this isn't fair to Austin either. He loves you and deserves to be with you." Trish doesn't know how to fix this. Her best friend is hurting but she doesn't agree that breaking up with Austin will fix that. Why can't Ally see that?

"He deserves far better than me. And I deserve peace. So, even if only one of those things comes out of this break up, I'll know I've done the right thing." Ally's had enough. Trish won't ever understand where she's coming from. Ally stands up and looks down at her. "Thank you for coming over, but I'm really tired. I probably just need to shower and go to sleep. I'll call you in the morning." Liar.

Trish doesn't look convinced, but she gets up and hugs her friend anyway. As she's driving home, one of Austin and Ally's songs comes on the radio. Sighing, she turns it off and continues home in silence.

Ally never called her.


Ally finds herself checking Trish's Instagram and sees that she's still with Jace. Good for them, she thinks, they look really happy. She keeps scrolling until Pickles comes up to her and nudges her leg.

I guess that means its dinner time for us.

She walks into the kitchen with the photo album under her arm and takes out a can of food for Pickles and puts it into his bowl. He munches on it happily as she tries to find something easy to make for herself. She settles on a bowl of cereal and sits at the kitchen island. Opening the album back up, she lands on a photo of Dez.

He's wearing her merch for her song Finally Me at one of her concerts crying tears of joy. Even though Dez was bitter that Ally took away from their 'bro time', he was glad that Austin had her. Austin seemed so happy with her right from the very beginning. Besides, anyone who was a friend of Austin was a friend of his. Even though their interests didn't align, and they never hung out on their own, he was still so proud of her.


Dez was on his way over to Ally's house claiming that he left his favorite pair of socks there, but she knew he was actually just checking up on her. It had been a week since she talked to anyone in their group, and while that was her own fault for not responding to texts or reaching out, she still was grateful to see Dez's face again.

When he walked in, he was expecting the house to be in a post-break up mess, but everything was neat and tidy, just how Ally liked it.

"Dez! How are you?" She hugs him, but it feels weird to him. Why is she acting so normal right now? "Oh, and here are your socks." For the record, they weren't even in his top twenty favorite pairs of socks.

"Um, I- I'm okay. How are you?" He searches her eyes for answers, but she has her walls up high.

"I'm doing great." Her voice went up an octave and she twirled her hair. Dez knew she was lying.

"Als…"

"What? It's the honest truth." Liar.

"You and I both know that's not the case. You can talk to me, you know. I won't tell Austin."

"You and I both know that's not the case. You are horrible at keeping things to yourself. You can't even keep your own secrets."

"Hey, you practically tortured me into telling you your birthday present!"

"All I said was 'hi, Dez'!" This conversation wasn't going anywhere productive. Ally just wishes he would leave.

"Stop avoiding the question. I know you're sad. I know that Austin's sad. I know that me and Trish are worried, and that everything is not okay!" His voice echoes throughout the house. It goes silent until Ally breaks it with a whisper.

"I know. Don't you think I've been through all of it a million times in my head? It's all I think about. I know that this sucks. I know that Austin and I still miss and love each other. You don't have to remind me."

"If I don't have to remind you then why aren't you and Austin together right now? It seems like that would solve everything. He would feel better-"

"No, it wouldn't. Why is everyone only thinking about what Austin's feeling?!"

"Woah, Ally no one's doing that- "

"Of course that's what everyone's doing! If people cared about what I felt and what I'm going through, then they would understand that this is what's best for me. I'm doing what will keep me safe. I'm taking care of myself instead of him and catering to his stupid fan's needs. Okay?"

"But how will anything be different just because you're not together? Austin was trying to help you. He loves you Als-"

"I know! I know he loves me! I know he was trying to help me, but it wasn't working. I had to make things better myself because no one else was doing it right. For fucks sake Dez, how stupid can you be? How many times do I have to repeat myself?" Ally tries catch her breath from all this yelling before she realizes what she just said.

"I um, sorry. You're clearly not in the right headspace to talk right now. I'll just go."

"Dez, wait. I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I just wish people would understand."

"I understand." He stands at the front door, looking back at her for the last time. "I'll call you later," he says. Liar.


She feels a tear roll down her cheek, she missed performing that song.

Ally's pulled out of her thoughts when she gets a notification from her phone.

Breaking News! Austin Moon Just Proposed to His Long-Term Girlfriend in the Sweetest Way! Click to See a Picture of Her Stunning Ring!

Numb. She feels numb. But not the kind of numb where you're so sad all the time that you feel nothing anymore. No, it's the kind of numb where you just went through something so unbearably painful that everything but pain is numb.

She can't hear her own thoughts or feel her legs. She doesn't feel the tears falling from her eyes and she's not even sure if she's still breathing.

It's only been two years since they broke up and he's moved on already? That's not normal. Something must be wrong with him. How could he do this? How could he be happy? She's certainly not happy, so what did he do? What fixed everything for him? How could he subject another girl to the same things she faced? What was he thinking? Her head keeps spiraling down dark paths and it's not until Pickles knocks over his water bowl that she snaps out of it.

But maybe two years is a long time. It definitely has felt like a million years to her. And they do seem happy, him and that tall, red-haired girl. Which is what she wanted for him anyway. Something better than herself.

She can move on too. She can meet a nice man who isn't famous and loves her just the same and she'll feel safe again. She'll feel like she can breathe again. Austin wasn't the only who could do that for her. There has to be more. Because if there isn't more then what's the point of any of this? What is she doing? If she just finds a purpose, a reason, a faint sliver of hope, she'll be able to keep going. But it doesn't seem to matter what she tells herself; she still feels numb. Where does she go from here?

She gets up to grab some red wine from the fridge, knocking over the album on the way. When she goes to pick it up, she notices it landed on a photo of their prom night. That was their favorite photo together. She doesn't feel the tears falling down her face or hear the sobs coming from her lungs as she looks down at the photo that feels like its from a different lifetime.


The night started to blur as they drank the alcohol that their friends snuck in. They couldn't keep their hands off of each other as they ran into the limo, taking them to the hotel room originally meant for Austin and Piper. Austin looked at Ally like she was the only girl in the world and Ally knew that Austin was the only boy in the world that mattered to her. They were so deliriously happy. To be young and in love.

When they finally got to the hotel room, Austin ripped Ally's red bedazzled dress off and she carefully took off his blazer and shirt. His suit was rented, so his parents would kill him if he ruined it. He kissed all over her neck until he found the sweet spot behind her ear and she started pulling on his hair. Ally wrapped her legs around his waist as he walked them over to the queen-sized bed.

He carefully laid her down on the bed, never breaking eye contact with her. The only sound was their heavy breathing. Austin undid his belt and Ally quickly took off his pants. Climbing over her until her back was on the bed and her head on the pillow, he pinned her down, kissing her neck again as she traced all over his abs with her hands.

"Wait. Austin-"

"What? I brought protection." He was still slightly out of breath but went back to kissing her anyway.

"No, I know but before we do that can we just talk?" He opened his eyes and immediately looked concerned.

"Are you okay? We don't have to have sex. What's wrong? Did I hurt you? Did I do something you didn't like? I know it took me a minute to take off my belt but-"

"Austin!" She cuts him off giggling. "I want to, you know, continue this," she still feels uncomfortable saying the word 'sex' around him, but she'll get there. "But I want to talk."

He lets out a sigh of relief, "oh okay thank God I was worried I hurt you or something."

"No, no. The opposite," he smirks. "Oh hush. I just wanted to tell you that what you said to me, at prom, really means a lot to me. I never stopped having feelings for you either, Austin."

Austin looks down at her smiling, know that she has more to say. He nods his head as if to say, 'go on.'

"I guess what I'm trying to say, which, by the way, is really hard for me to say, so don't get all smug on me, is that I love you. A lot. And you don't have to say it back or anything and I really hope that this isn't freaking you out, oh god you're not saying anything I should have just kept this to myself I'm sorry this was dumb-"

Austin cuts her off by kissing her. As the kiss get deeper, Ally feels him smiling against her lips. She pulls away and opens her eyes. Austin's are still closed until he realized that she pulled away. Drunk idiot, she laughs.

"Ally, I love you too. I love you so fucking much. How could I not? You're my favorite person in the whole world. You're so talented and smart and sexy and kind. You're my dream girl. I feel like I have to pinch myself right now – Ow! Don't actually pinch me!" Ally laughs while Austin rolls his eyes. "I mean it. I love you."

"I love you more"

"Not possible. I love you most."

"Uh-uh. I love you to the moon and back. Wait, ew we sound so gross right now."

"I don't care, let the whole world know!" He puffs his chest dramatically, causing her to fall into a fit of giggles. In his best superhero voice, Austin says "I love you to the ends of the universe and back!"

She can't stop laughing and he starts blowing raspberries all over her stomach. They started the evening drunk on peppermint schnapps but now they're drunk on happiness.

Could life get any better?


She can't look at the photos anymore, it's too hard after that news. But she also can't seem to get herself to put it away, so she settles on putting the album on top of her empty coffee table. She wanted to get a nice piece of décor to put there anyways.

Putting up the decorations takes much longer than she thought it would. Even with cheery Christmas music in the background, she's too sad to do anything with speed. She hangs two stockings on the mantel, one for her and one for Pickles. The ornaments on her tree are scarce, but at least they're up there. After she finally feels the tiredness that she was ignoring for so long take over, she goes to the couch and crashes.

She doesn't want to hear her own thoughts right now, so she turns on the TV. As she's flipping through channels one of his interviews pops up. She should probably just skip it, but she feels like rubbing salt in the wound. "Oh yeah, me and Ally, we talk all the time. We parted very amicably. You know, I think because we started as friends, that foundation and respect has always been there. So yeah, we're still good friends." Liar. Who told him to say that? Dez? Trish? What was he thinking when he said that? He used to be so easy for her to read. Maybe it's just hard to read eyes through a TV screen. What happened to the sweet dopey-eyed boy who would meet her at her locker everyday? He wouldn't ever lie.

She wishes he wasn't lying. She wishes that even if they couldn't be together anymore that they could be friends. And they probably could, if she just reached out. If she just apologized for walking away from him, for not even hearing him out. But why should she apologize for keeping herself safe?

Is this what being safe feels like? Loneliness? Regret? If that's what safe feels like, then maybe her friends were right. Maybe walking away wouldn't have solved anything. It doesn't matter, though. What's done is done. She's written enough shitty pop songs about living life with no regret that she understands the basic premise of achieving it: get drunk, listen to music, dance, and fuck a stranger. She'll only do three out of the four methods because the last one requires going out, into public. Nothing's worth that trauma.

She hasn't been seen in public for two years. She hasn't posted on social media or released any new songs. There's been no interviews, meet-and-greets, or concerts. Her fans miss her, but that's a small price to pay for solitude. No one's heard from her, and she has forced herself into believing that she likes it that way.

Maybe all she has now are her parents and her therapist and Pickles. Maybe her piled-up notebooks are full of half-finished songs. Maybe she keeps the photo album he made of the Fearsome Foursome on her coffee table. Maybe she drafts texts to Trish but never sends them and maybe she almost bought those stupid bird-themed socks for Dez. Maybe she misses him. But at least no one talks about her anymore.