Author Note

Konichiwa ."

I am sorry for the late update. It wasn't too late,though. Thanks for Immortal Fallen Radiance, Love4Dreams, Yui Minatsuki, hushin-chan and nena-san for reviewing. Thanks to you too, dear readers.

There is something I want to ask you about. It is about the P.O.V I'm using. Till now it is a third P.O.V. I am thinking of indulging Kouichi and Kouji's P.O.V from time to time after mentioning that of course. I mean a combination of their P.O.V and a third Point of View. So what do you think?

Anyway, here chapter three. Title means Blue Bird. Please read and have fun and let me know what you think about the chapter.

Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon or the song used in this fic. I own my writing, though.


Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni

For what was Broken

Chapter Three

Aoi Tori

'Damn it'

He wasn't used to curse, but it just came as frustration and annoyance overcome his system. The same events repeated themselves in school, forcing him to prefer going home despite what that home meant to him now. Disability to concentrate at classes accompanied the late assignments in addition to the delay of some of his tests made his day worse.

He had tried to focus, but it seemed impossible as whenever his mind found a space to dive in, he would find himself in his own little world, thinking about his mother's picture, his father's lies and his new found brother. It had been a month since then so practically that brother wasn't completely a new addition anymore not that he became part of his life, for Kouichi would be asleep whenever he was at home. Nothing but a helpless decoration.

It didn't make sense to him. That boy wasn't ill in that concept of ill. He might be tired or even weak but not that illness that would keep him asleep almost all the time. Shouldn't Satomi or even Otou-san do something about that? He debated himself seconds later at that thought bitterly Why do I care?

Kouji sighed again and picked his school bag after throwing it carelessly once he was at home. Satomi wasn't home, he realized, not seeing her welcoming him in the motherly way he hated the most. In fact, he doesn't hate her, but sometimes her kindness took him off-guard and he really hated losing his grounds.

How can I tell him?

He thought about the teacher's request to see his father at school after the same teacher had delayed his mathematics' exam, which was supposed to be today, and offered to let him set for the made up test next week.

The teacher stated that Kouji's level at the subject was better than what he performed and he wouldn't risk giving his best student a mark that didn't match his real level. And seeing Takuya's mock jealousy after the teacher's decision didn't help much to make him feel better. It seemed that nothing was able to comfort him these days. Scratch that. There were two things: Martial arts and music. The former was two days a week, which neither of them were today, and the latter was something he didn't listen to or produce for the past few weeks.

Personally, he refused to tell people about his fond of music as in his opinion those who love music are sensitive and able to express their hidden emotions in their performance and with no doubt he wasn't one of them. He would never consider himself as a kindhearted person who would feel himself in the tones and words of a song.

Anyway, he climbed the stairs quietly, took a deep breath in front of his room and opened the door. A deep breath became a habit in front of his currently occupied room in order to master his fake mask. It didn't matter though as the other would be always asleep.

He couldn't help but expect that one of those times he would enter his room and find the other sitting in his bed and looking at him blankly.

Blankly, huh?

It was hard to imagine whichever expression his twin would use in front of him and as long as he doesn't even know him then blankly was the best concept here. What he had never expected was to see another person in the room, sitting comfortably on the edge of his bed and looking at the sleeping child.

He spatted harshly as he narrowed his eyes, facing his father who seemed calmer than the last time they fought. 'What are you doing here?'

Kousei smiled a bit sadly but Kouji didn't seem to notice his father's pained expression. The question was rude but innocently normal. His father was rarely home so why on earth would he be sitting there in his room as if…waiting for him? Recently, they had avoided any unnecessary fight through closing themselves and it was a bit easier for his father as being out was part of his daily life.

'Satomi went shopping and you were at school. We couldn't leave him alone,' Kousei said flatly.

Kouji's eyes widened uncharacteristically. What was he talking about? He left his cases and clients just to sit beside a sick boy? He never cared about anyone but his damned work and yet he was here ?

Secretly, Kouji was tad glad that his father didn't catch his surprised face which allowed him to put his mask again and to ask in a calm manner and a bit tough one too, 'Not that! Why are you in my room?'

'Is something wrong in checking my sons' room?'

It surprised him to no end to hear his father using that plural but he wasn't the one to show his surprise in front of others. Well, his father wasn't an easy person to debate. After all, he was a lawyer. His job was to play with words to achieve his purposes; not that Kouji knew much about his father's work except his vague image of lawyers that they were ready to sell their principles to justify a client's case. To be honest, he never talked to him about work or how it was. That work stole his father from him since he was a child and was the reason for his re-marriage. He had always considered that the reason beyond his father's remarriage was that the lawyer couldn't take care of him anymore because of his work .

'Stop talking as if you care. You never did,' Kouji snapped, feeling a sense of repetition of his words. It was not the first time he said them but usually his father would answer with a simple 'I do care' which he did this time too…sort of.

'Even if you didn't want to understand, I care about both of you. I know that what I did with his birth certificate was wrong and I know I should have asked about him but that dosn't mea-'

'Now I am the one who can't understand. I am done of your lies. Stop considering the house as a court! '

'Aren't we done from this? We talked enough about that.'

Even if Kousei tried to deny that he was fighting in his own home as if he was justifying himself in a court, it was the truth. He was the criminal in his son's eyes and he was trying to at least let him listen to his reasons. It was always the same result: Kouji wasn't willing to understand or to…forgive.

'I deserve a second chance. I want to fix things, son.'

'Fix!' Kouji laughed rather awkwardly then closed his eyes slowly, 'You can't. It is too late now. You got your chance when you brought him here but still you did what you did.'

'What would a paper change, Kouji? I want to protect the family and the life I worked too hard to built. I'll give him a better, different life. Even if under the term of an adopted child. One day he'll understand that what I did was for the best. He will forgive me…eventually.'

'Nonsense! He would never forgive you. He hates you already.'

It was rather predjuice to project his feelings on others but he felt that it was completely logical. Even though he never talked to that kid but it will be a normal reaction for someone who knew after all these painful, humiliating years that his father was alive, happy and rich, leaving him to suffer and even when he appeared he destroyed his ties to his mother so he must have hated that man. It was not even a question, Kouji thought. However the almost uncharacteristic reaction of his father at his words made him in maze.

'No. He doesn't hate me. He is…just scared.'

His voice trembeled as he shook his head slowly and added in a chocked voice but much calmer than the growl-like voice in the previous sentence. 'Kouichi needs time. That is all. To build a new life, you have to get rid of the old one.'

Kouichi

Kouji never used that name in their fights. Kouichi was always…he or the other even when he was debating himself. The fact that his father used his elder's son's name in addition to his defense against what seemed to Kouji a lost case surprised him.

'To build a new life, huh? Like what you did to 'Kaa-san and him when you remarried and left them,' Kouji asked softly as if he was talking to himself.

It was a rhetorical question so naturally his father didn't answer instead he moved to the door and intended to leave before saying quietly in his cool, calm voice, 'Satomi will be here soon. Tell her I won't make it to dinner,' he paused as if considering what to say next, 'and...'

Kouji raised a brow and looked suspiciously at the change of tone. It seemed that his father did that a lot in the previous few minutes. First, calm and a bit sad then shocked…calm again and now it was a warm tone, he soesn't remember when was the last time he heard that. It had been long time.

'I am proud of you, Kouji,' Kousei turned slowly to face his son again and said in a much warmer tone,' For sharing the photo between you two. Another fault I committed is taking it from him, but you deserved to see it too and I didn't have a picture for her. You know even if you were rude towards me and Satomi, but whenever you are quarreling with me, you always talk about his pain, because you care.'

Do I?

He didn't notice that but thinking about it, he knew that it was true. How many times he blamed his father for what happened to his brother, for his suffering and pain and even his illness? Does that mean he really cared about his brother?

Brother…He never felt that or was that care a part of what brothers feel. No he didn't feel anything. And even if he felt a thing, it was for their mother's sake, right? It was a sort of pity but not care. He hated those who couldn't fight back, so normally he wouldn't pity them because they were the ones who decided how people look at them. The only talk between him and Kouichi ended with a fight and that kid defended himself.

Yes that was it.

The only reason he was tad interested about the other was that mysterious, painful and yet innocent atmosphere around him. It wasn't his fault that those things were easily reflected on the other's sleeping face all the time; not that he stared at him but sometimes seeing such an identical face and yet with foreign expression was… nice.

The second he opened his eyes and looked at where his father was standing, he found nothing but a closed door.

He felt dizzy for no reason or maybe he refused to understand the reason. He reached the edge of his bed and sat motionlessly as the only voice in the room was as always the other's calm breathing. He had never given his father a second chance even before this whole mess. Blame, distrust and anger were always in his eyes whenever he look at his dad and now those looks prevented him from even noticing the tired, dark circles around his father's eyes or his sad expression.

Otou-san is moving on. Am I the one who doesn't want to take a step forward? Why is it too hard to believe that he was trying to make things better for us? All of us.

Till when am I going to stay in my own cage?


Kouji didn't know why he brought his guitar and sat on his bed after he had changed his school clothes into pair of navy blue pajamas. He tried to stop himself from thinking about anything and eventually found himself longing to play on his guitar, to hum a soft song. No-one was here to listen and if his brother had stayed asleep during the previous talk with his father, he wouldn't wake up that easily.

Music is the soul of human. He heard that once and if someone asked him about his opinion regarding that saying, he would shrug the question off in his anti-social manner, but deep down he believed in that even if it seemed odd for a cold person like him to like such a sensitive art.

His fingers started tickling the electric guitar's strings softly, humming what he could remember from a song. He was gifted for being able to pick the tone and eventually imitate it and even sang the words but it came naturally for him. Maybe because he felt the words right now. Ironically, the song was sad and yet full of optimism and beliefe in tomorrow which he generally doubted. He sang softly as if he was talking to the gentle cold rain outside his room.

Naku Koto nara tayasui keredo

~Even if crying was easy~

Kanashimi ni wa nagasarenai

~I don't want to be drown by grief~

Eranda no wa jibun dakara

~It is the choice that I chose for myself~

For a second there, he wanted to laugh bitterly at the irony, but the spontaneous flow of emotions pointed out that any kind of physical expression would end with him weeping. He had cried enough and become tired of tears even if no one ever saw him crying.

Mure wo hanareta tori no you ni

~Just like a bird that was separated from a flock of birds~

Asu no yuki saki nado shiranai

~I don't know what the future hides for me~

Dakedo Kizutsuite Chi wo nagashitatte

~But even if I was hurt and my wound bled~

Drops of tears sparkled and waited on the edge of his eyes, begging him to cry, to let them fall but he stubbornly refused.

Aoi tori

~Blue bird~

Moshi shiwase Chikaku ni attemeo

~If he was happy,he was still in a cage~

Ano sora he boku wa tobu

~I wish to fly to that sky~

Mirai wo shinjite

~And I believe in the future~

Future. He faintly believed that he can do something for tomorrow but yet he had dreams even if he couldn't recollect them at the moment. He needed to believe, to fly, to be himself. Tired of masks and facade and maybe, just maybe he could take off that mask one day.

Anata wo wasurenai

~I would never forget you~

Demo Kinou ni wa kaerenai

~But things would never be the same again~

Disobedient drops of tears fell shyly on his cheeks, curling around his slightly trembled lips as he remembered his mother. Things would never be better…would never be the same ever again. He wished when he allawed his mind to be childish that the family he was born between its arms would still be there, that he still had his mum and his father and even his brother. No one talked to him about his first two years before the divorce but for some reason, he felt that they had been happy or at least much happier than now.

A soft sound of hesitant clap scared him out of his wits for a second before he turned slowly to the source of the sound. The bed next to his.

Kouji had a comical expression for few precious seconds that seemed to him as if they were eternity, staring at the other who was sitting and leaning on the headboard. Once realizing the other's stare, Kouichi looked down at his lap quickly and cut his clap rather awkwardly. The faint pink cheeks he had proved the embarrassment he felt at being in such a situation and was mirrored by Kouji's deep blush. No one had ever listened to him singing or playing and if his step-mom or his father had, they never mentioned that, so it was quite logically to be embarassed at such a thing now. Kouji who cleared his voice with a cough, wiped his tears and prayed that the other didn't notice them.

'You play really good. The-the song is too ironical. Once sad then hopeful and again sad with rather a disappointed end yet it had that special hint of tomorrow.'

Well, that was new for Kouji. Kouichi analyzed it easily and if he wasn't that shy, his voice would have held too much confidence, yet it was too soft to be heard.

An innocent smile played on Kouichi's lips despite Kouji's sceptical looks at him.

'Gomen, I don't think you wanted me to hear. It is just the voice woke me up. I'm kinda sensitive to musical sounds.'

It was rather a strange excuse as he didn't wake through Kouji's discussion with their dad beside his bed. Kouji who positioned the guitar slowly at the corner of the room, crossed the room and sat again on his bed, giving the other some time to recollect his thoughts.

'How could you know anyway? Don't tell me they teach you music at the orphanage?'

If the question was sarcastic and tactless, he didn't mean it that way. He was amused at the other's sensitive nature.

'You don't need someone to teach you how to feel the music,' Kouichi closed his eyes and put his hand on his heart, smiling sleepily, 'It came from here and no they don't but I have a good background.'

Kouji was generally impressed at the slightly relaxed voice despite the blush that never left its owner. The last and at the same time the first real talk they had started with Kouichi being submsissive and passive and ended with him fighting hopelessly but it had been more than a week since then so it was normal for him to forget. However, Kouji's words then was enough to tear Kouichi's world.

"You are right. No one wants you. You are nothing."

Thinking about his own words now ached his heart as he looked at the other's almost pacific features. His words had been too hrash then. He even told him that he hated him, that he didn't deserve to live, yet Kouichi's words hurt him too but after all he was the one who pushed the wrong buttons. Why am I thinkging about that again? As long as Kouichi doesn't bring that topic up, I won't.

He acted rather differently for his usual cold behavious as if he longed for a talk about whatever. It was childish but the other's voice was soft and comforting in a strange way that eased his heart kindly.

'Background?'

'Hai,' Kouichi smiled and raised his head to look at him but without making eye contact, 'Matsushita-san taught me how to play piano and helped me to use other musical instruments but I wasn't as good with them as I am with piano. He said that I learnt too much in less than three months,' he said sadly and bit his lip causing Kouji to narrow his eyes in confusion. He wanted to ask about the man, Kouichi talked about but stopeed himself as it was rather obvious,

'Why didn't he adopt you again?'

Kouichi bit his lip harshly and pulled his knees to rest his head on them tiredly but whispered the answer, 'He-he was like my grandfather. I don't remember my real grandfather as he died few monts before 'kaa-san and Obba-chan. Matsushita-san lost his wife few years before adopting me but his sons never visited him. He was a great pioneer so he taught me almost everything and he really wanted to adopt me again and to find a way to take me from that place forever but-'

A shiver. Kouji realized it as Kouichi tremebeled slightly, 'He passed away…before doing that and…and his sons sent me back. I was eight.'

Kouji lowered his head and looked away in sympathy. He commented after few minutes of silence just to keep the conversation alive. 'At least some people are kind enough to try to keep you with them.'

He wished he didn't utter a word after two seconds from opening his mouth.

A gasp then more shuddering as Kouichi pulled the blanket over him fearfully then looked around him as if feeling someone's presence. His heart pulses increased and his tense body kept suddering with emotions while he hugged himself and cried…not wept softly like what he had done before. A cry that became a continuous series of screams that echoed in the space and hurt his poor throat. His fingers clinged to his hair tightly as if he was trying to remove a memory or a thought. Kouji only stared at the beginning then freaked out at the unexpected cries which sounded like a baby's wailing.

'What on earth?' he stepped out of his bed and took a closer step to the other's bed, causing him to curl around himself and to throw the blanket on the ground with a yelp.

'What's wrong? Hey…say something!' his hand tried to touch Kouichi without even thinking about the reason of his worry over the scared boy. He couldn't touch him, though, as Kouichi backed away like a scared cat with terrified eyes,

'No…He is here…He will come back again…to take..take me. He will…he…he…'he whimpered uncoherently, cried then screamed again.

The door was opened with a muffled, worried gasp, revealing Kouji's step-mom as she looked at the elder twin's bed in concern. Kouji backed away from the bed and muttered defensively in a childish manner, 'I-I didn't do anything…he just freaked and-'

'It is okay. I know,' she soothed gently and reached the pained child's bed. To Kouji's ultimate surprise, Kouichi didn't curl away but instead he lunched himself in her arms and sobbed quietly as she hugged him back, 'Shh. It is okay. No one one will hurt you. Me and dady and Kouji will keep him away, see no one will take you. He won't hurt you again.'

'But-he said…he will. I'm Scared. I...I want Ma-Mama.'

She hushed him, repeating that it was okay. 'Your mama will be always with you in your heart, looking after you.'

Kouji's bewilded expression didn't leave him as he saw her giving Kouichi a small pill which he swallowed and continued crying for at least five minutes before slumping between her arms. Kouji was supposed to be a little bit glad that she reminded his brother with their mom, that she told him that his real mum will be always there for him but still there was something wrong that ached him. Satomi sighed in relief and turned to Kouji who was about to scream. Literally.

She took otou-san and now she wanted to replace my mother's place in his heart. How could she do such a thing? And what the heck was that? Then I was right when I blamed him for replacing 'kaa-san with whoever treat him well. What happened to him anyway? What have I said to begin with?'

'I'm not replacing your mum. I would never think about that,' Satomi interrupted his thoughts warmly as she pulled the blanket over Kouichi, making sure that he was comfortable. She added, turning to Kouji, 'He just needs someone to tell him that things will be better. He's scared.'

'Why?'

She shook her head sadly, 'We don't know for sure. He's too scared to tell us but I think it is something related to the last person who-who adopted him. Your father had asked the orphanage for more information about that man but they refused to help.'

'You mean that wasn't the first time he freaked out that.' Realising that Kouichi's screams now looked eerily similar to those a week ago during his fight with his dad.

'Sadly yes. Usually, he would take some pills and fall asleep.'

It clicked. That's why he was always asleep because of the drugs they gave him, but he acted normally before he became that scared, so why would they keep him asleep for such long time? Sleeping could never be a solution, Kouji thoguht.

'I asked your father to take him to a therapist, but Kousei doesn't want troubles or people talking, so he secretly asked a doctor who suggested giving the patient sleeping pills for the time being.'

'And he claimed that he cares about us. He is willing to give him drugs just to keep him away,' Kouji gritted his teeth angrily.

'He loves you two. Belive me, Kouji. Sometimes we should commit minor mistakes to achieve bigger goals. I don't approve what he is doing but all what I can do is take care of Kouichi and help him to overcome his fear then he would be able to live a normal life,' she smiled, 'Kouichi-kun doesn't need a doctor. He needs a loving family, don't you think?'

She closed the door behind her and left, leaving Kouji to look at his sleeping twin's tearful face. For a moment, he cared and felt the urge to punish whoever caused his brother that pain. He wanted to be the one who would say to him, 'it was okay'.

No…That will only hurt. It was pity. What he felt for his brother was pity and absolutely nothing more. He wouldn't allow himself to feel anything except sympathy and pity because other feelings would only…hurt.

He doesn't want to feel pain again…to be attached to anyone. They will leave eventually…

What a paradoxical life! One of them had everything and was scared to accept what he had in fear of losing it. The other had nothing and was willing to accept anything that could lead him to life. A real one.

To Be continued


Post Author Note

Finally.

I hope you enjoyed it. Please tell me what you think about the characters' attitudes. Etto tell me anything you want hehe.

I'm sorry if the chapter is a little bit, focusing on Kouji but from now on Kouichi will appear more frequesntly. You know, I want to call Kouji idiot somewhere while writing. He is really drowning in denial.

About the song, I thought about putting the traslated lyrics at the end but I felt that it will be more effective under the original lyrics so I but them between ~.~. I don't know the song's name but it is from a new anime called Idol Mster which I don't own of course. I have the japanese lyrics and the translated ones but not in English so I have translated from my native langauge to English. Hopefully, it worked.

Sorry for the long post A/N but this is the first time I use song in a story.

Arigato.

Updated: 5/12/2020