Author Note
Finally*sigh of relief*. This chapter took forever to be done. Literally especially that I had meant it to be different but I guess it worked out well this way too. There is a significant period between this chapter and the previous one. I liked it and cried at some parts. Ooh too emotional especially while listening to a sad song.
Anyway, Please enjoy and tell me your opinions. I really enjoy seeing what do you think. This inspires me LoL. Thanks for all of you for reading and reviewing. Arigato.
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon and I am not really eager to own it as long as I can play with it hehe.
Kowareta Ita Nani No Tami Ni
Chapter four
Sleepless Night
Nightmares were the only significant of sleep to him. He hated whenever his sole surrenders to that temporary death. It felt so empty and lonely.
He was about to scream when he opened his eyes to see nothing but that murdering, terrifying darkness around him. Darkness was always able to comfort him as he could feel secure in the night but the darkness around him wasn't calming or peaceful anymore. He was barely awake after hours of unconsciousness. A forced sleep to be precise.
He sat with a difficulty, feeling that he would just fall helplessly on the bed sheets due to the drug's fading effect. The room smirked at him darkly, forcing him to crawl on the bed like a small kitten. He hugged his legs and trembled. It was cold and lonely. He felt the hot, familiar tears again.
He woke up from a nightmare to return to a more chilling one. The reality. He felt that he was always asleep as he can hardly remember a time when he was fully awake in this room. Blue, scared eyes looked around the room as they found the smiling photo of his mother on the bed drawer. He snatched it in fearful manner as if feeling that someone would come from nowhere to take it from him. He clutched it to his chest, holding it and whimpering, 'Mama!'
His voice was a mere whisper but it shook his body violently. He lost her photo once when he came to this house to wake up hours later and find it beside him. He knew that it has something to do with his brother. Kouji. That was his name.
Kouji. He was his twin brother but they never talked except the time when Kouji hit him. There was another floating memory in his mind about a song with a sad tone and a soft talk between them but he felt that it was nothing but a dream.
The door was opened to its full extent quietly as a woman entered the room. Her brown eyes scanned her step-son's room, finding him asleep. She gazed at the other child in the room who was trembling slightly. It ached her to see such an innocent kid in that sever condition. It was cruel to see his shivering from as he held his mother's picture and wept. She came closer till she was sitting on the bed facing his pale face. Her warm eyes showed worry and concern. She whispered to him,' Maybe you should go back to sleep, Kouichi-kun.'
He shook his head weakly. Sleep means more nightmares yet he couldn't bear staying long in the sharp darkness around him as the urge of sleep tempted him over and over.
No. He wanted to wake up not to sleep even if the borders between consciousness and unconsciousness cracked violently. Kouichi shuddered and hugged himself again as she stroked his hair kindly.
That wasn't love. It was sympathy over a child who was losing everything and he knew that. He knew that her look at him wasn't a pure motherly look, it was sympathy and pity.
'You should sleep, dear.'
He shivered again at the thought but she ignored his reaction, knowing that she can't do anything about it,' You will wake up Kouji like this.' She said softly.
Of course. Kouji was her step-son whom she cared about and him was only a burden and source of pain for him so…he should stay asleep. It doesn't matter what would happen to him or that he would be addicted to those drugs and unable to live without depending completely on them as long as Kouji would be fine with him out of his life. He thought miserably.
They weren't brothers. His birth certificate was burned in front of his eyes. In front of others, they were strangers yet he wanted to be with him. He could remember a blur dream about Kouji playing something on that guitar and them talking like normal people. The dream was nice and felt happy even. In the dream, there was a chance that he could be closer to Kouji. That Kouji would care about him. That maybe. Just maybe. Someone would look at him as if he was a human who deserves to live and not a mere toy who should obey and suffer to satisfy others. He was human even without something to prove his identity.
Satomi looked at him with apparent worry. She was responsible for him during her husband's absence. Kousei had to go in a work mission for few days. She always does her work without waiting him to ask her to take care of things. This is her family as much as it is his family and she cares about everyone in it even more than him. After all, wasn't he the one who abandoned his son and when he decided to take care of him, he killed his identity? It sickened her to know that but she knew that Kouichi doesn't need some old papers but needs a loving family. Something she doubt that they could ever offer him.
She stood up and went to Kouji's desk, bringing back with her a small jar of while pills. He hated everything in that jar. The blue cover and the spiral lines on the paper around it beside the name that he could read clearly 'Killing bills'. Sleep was a part of death and each time he was forced to sleep, he felt like dying. He was forced to do everything in a way or another even eating. His life was controlled by them like always. It had been always a toy in others' hands so why should it matter now?
She returned silently and ruffled his hair like she usually does. He wanted to yank her hand off his hair but he knew better. He was a guest in her home and nothing more. Just an object, her husband brought in a moment of morality. What good could it achieve him if he pulled away from her touch? She would be angry like others so he has nothing else but to accept her touch over him. He let her like he let others to do even more because he was a helpless child who couldn't defend himself, who was there as a slave for who could pay his price. That what they told him since he was four years old in the orphanage.
'You should always obey those who adopt you. You owe them your life so no matter what they did, you should always be an obedient child.'
And he was a good student who obeyed the orphanage's rules and accepted whatever happened to him and simply forget but it became harder whenever he remember him. His hands left his body as he tangled them in his hair as the familiar headache returned.
No. He didn't want to remember what had happened. It hurt to think about it as much as it hurt to feel himself there. He moaned miserably, causing a small gasp of sympathy form his foster mother.
'Oh my god, Is something wrong, darling?'
She knew what was wrong but she couldn't do anything to help him. The only thing she could do was to let him sleep, to take him away from the reality world. A small white pill from the jar rested in her hand as her other hand gripped the child's hand, taking it from its place between his hair locks.
He protested faintly but couldn't do more as she put the pill on his free palm.
'Take it. It will make you feel better.'
NO. He wanted to scream and to drop the pill. Because they couldn't handle him, they were giving him this. He wasn't a part of this family because if he was, they would never force a child like him to take those damned drugs daily and sometimes twice a day like today. He shook his head as the tears raced on his cheek, begging her to understand, to stop.
He was dying. But he wanted to die, right? He wished that he would die several times. He even tried to hurry his expected death due to his weak body by refusing to take his medicine or take it irregularly. He should accept her offer because life itself didn't want him so why should he live?
His hand trembled as he brought it with the pill closer. He couldn't sleep without it. It was a matter of time that he would beg them to give those bills to him, so he could sleep. What a conflict! Scared of sleep, yet he was dying to ditch himself from his surroundings. He wanted to sleep and soon he would sleep forever.
'Kouichi-kun, Are you okay?'
She was surprised to see the fear look in his eyes as he backed from her touch.
His mind had screamed before he collapsed on the bed with a soft thud. Streams of tears wet their way on his flushed cheeks. Blue eyes stared at her brown eyes but he wasn't seeing the gentle woman who looked after him when his own father ignored and when his twin stayed away from him. For those short moments, his eyes and mind felt like looking and knowing another person. In her place, he saw someone who was trying to abuse him, to hurt him…to kill him. He couldn't do anything so he let it be.
Satomi gazed at him in concern, feeling the wrongness of what happened but what choice has she ? They could do nothing to him. The child was scared to death from seeing his father and Kouji didn't make any effort to approach him despite being in the same room, yet she can't blame her step son as Kouichi was always asleep or rather forced to.
The woman stared accusingly at the medicine in her hand and sighed, reminding herself that her husband became uncomfortable regarding those pills and intended to ask a doctor to come and see his elder son, hoping that they could find something other than drugs to control his son's condition.
Kouichi didn't fell asleep yet which means that the pills were losing their effect. She bit her lip anxiously before taking another one from the jar and tried to hand it to him. Kouichi flinched when he saw her approaching hand. He curled around himself, wishing that he could scream and refuse but he can't, can he? If she became angry, she will hurt him. When he first came to this house he wished to go back to the orphanage but this place wasn't as awful as the prison he used to live in. They might send him back and then he would get his punishment in the orphanage for being disobedient then…then…He will come and take him…
Let it stop. Please anyone help me.
'Come on Kouichi-kun.'
She forced him to sit but he continued pulling away from her which confuse her even more. She wasn't doing this because she wanted. She had to…she had to.
'Enough already! 'her voice wasn't a threatening or angry one. It was desperate and frustrated and it hurt her. He continued squirming and whimpering weakly. It wasn't the movement of protesting that hurt her but the idea it self. He released his soft plead, 'P..please…No..no!' So soft that she didn't even hear him as she continued trying to forced the pill into his mouth.
A sharp, furious voice which was too familiar to her reached her, shouting with an angry, 'ENOUGH!'
She jumped at the voice, tilting her head slowly towards the other bed in the room to see Kouji full awake and looking at her expressionlessly with a hatred look she never saw in those particular eyes. He was always angry with her but the hatred look. It was too poisonous and dark that it sent chills to her body. Satomi looked at the other child under her.
Her eyes widen in shock. What would Kouji think about that? It was a very awkward position to be in. She was holding the sleeping pill in her right hand while her other hand was pinning the child's arms behind him. She freaked out, gasping in horror about how aggressive she was in those few minutes.
She didn't mean that. She would never do that to anyone let alone her step-son's brother and her husband's son. She gasped and got off the bed, flinching inwardly and feeling hot tears on her cheeks as she noticed the pained look in the child's eyes. He was crying,calling his mother so weakly that she felt her heart being ripped apart.
'Why?'
Kouji's voice was like a dagger to her chest. She looked at the floor shamefully, wishing to disappear already. To someone outside this tension, she hadn't done anything wrong. Mothers would try to force the medicine into their children mouths if they were too stubborn for their own good and she was doing this for Kouichi's own good. Staying awake would drag memories of whatever hell he lived in the orphanage but there was a one difference. She wasn't a mother!
'I…I wanted to…to check on you two. 'Her voice trembled at her words but she wasn't lying. She came to make sure they were okay.
'You knew that the effect of the pill he took earlier would fade by now. You wanted to give him another one,' Kouji hissed darkly, looking at the bottle she hold in her hand.
'Kouji please. I am trying to help,' she desperately tried to defend herself but deep down she felt as if she was guilty.
'By killing him. He didn't want to take it. It was right in front of him but he preferred to stay scared and awake rather than taking them.
Her eyes widen in shock, 'but I thoug-'
'He doesn't want them. Damn it! Couldn't you see how he was begging you not to give him that thing? He would lose himself eventually.' Kouji cried out in hot anger, feeling his blood's temperature rise to a dangerous degree.
She looked at him on verge of tears,'Please Kouji understand.'
'Enough. Go out! I don't want to see you here.'
'Kouji!'
'I said out!'
She took a step back then looked at the elder twin whose tears were still fresh on his cheeks. She closed her eyes then exploded calmly, 'What have you done then, Kouji? You are accusing me and your father all the time despite what we are doing to help him. What about you?'
She took him by surprise as he left his bed and looked at her angrily, 'What do you mean?'
'If you care that much about him, why do you stand away all the time?'
Why indeed? Why was he this angry to begin with? What did awake him in the first place? He heard a voice of someone, pleading for help and when his eyes had snapped open he saw his step-mom trying to force his bother to take those doomed pills. He felt furious and raged. He couldn't even stop his body from trembling in wrath as he roared at her,' Stay out of my life!'
He took few steps towards her and she backed away in fear, feeling his rage, 'Kouji!'
He raised his hand and snatched the glass bottle from her hand and spitted dryly, 'OUT!'
She stared at him in disbelieve, feeling angry at herself for being a horrible mother. She whispered between her tears,' I wanted to…to help him.'
He ignored her as he squeezed to bottle further and throw it at to the floor, causing it to shatter. The sound of the broken glass terrified her as she stormed out of the room, crying.
He breathed hard and cursed under his breath, 'Damn it!'
Kouji turned around and headed towards his own bed, cursing himself for being such an idiot, angry boy, but it was necessary, wasn't it?
His eyes focused on the window, noticing for the first time the rain's lines on the glass. Seconds later, he recognized thundering and lightening. It seemed that his emotions were angrier than the nature outside. He loved the rain. It could hide his tears when he was angry enough to walk under the raining sky. The thunder repeated itself again with that mighty scary roar, reminding him of how hoarse his voice could be in front of that voice.
He was about to slip under the comforting covers of his bed, but the sound of the increasing trembling reminded him of what was going on. A part of his mind blamed him for preventing Satomi from forcing the other to sleep. Maybe he should have let things as they were. He wasn't good in dealing with others especially with those who need his pity and love…
Love…He doesn't love anyone except maybe his mother but even that he wasn't sure about. How many times he was angry at his mother's memory?
'Mama!'
The plead continued as he looked at its source: Kouichi.
Kouji was in a dilemma as he tried to pull his thoughts together but failed miserably, seeing the fear and loss in the other's eyes as he hugged their mother's picture as if he was asking her to save him.
The only thought that Kouji was able to wonder about was
What should I do?
Kouichi's breaths were shallow and quick as his heart continued beating faster than he could bear. Scared. He was trembling in merciless fear. The tears didn't stop tickling him again and again. Pulling himself weakly, he managed to sit on the bed, curling around himself and sobbing. He felt the other's stares, which scared him even more. It was frightening to see such a rage from Kouji towards his step-mom.
If he did that to her, what would he do to me? He will hurt me like before...like everyone else.
To Be Continued
Author Note
Finally...they will talk...again. Hopefully, Kouji won't ruin things but seriously he didn't ruin it in the previous, forgotten talk,ne so maybe there is a hope. Who am I kidding?It is Kouji was are talking about. (Kouji:So -.-)
About Kouichi's confusion. In the first chapter he pleaded to go to the orphanage but after about two months from living in Minamoto's home, he couldn't help but feeling taht no matter what he is suffering from it is better than the orphanage.
If you remember in the previous chapter, he has a ' condition' while talking to Kouji which made the whole night seems like a dream to him later on.
Etto, did anyone notice that most of the events took place in Kouji's room so far XD? If you have any question or criticism please do tell me.
I hope you enjoyed ^^"
Etto, I don't know but Kouichi seems a little OCC but regarding the whole mess they are in, I feel it is natural. Still I can't always keep him steady in his emotions.
