Author's note

Hello everyone, I don't have much to say actually expect apologizing for the quite late update. I am really sorry but university isn't giving me any time to write.

Finally*collapsing on the chair*

I wanted to update this before the start of my exams as I won't be able to update till the middle of January.

Thanks to Immortal Fallen Radiance and nena-san for their reviews. A huge thanks to all of you, sweet reader, as well.

Disclaimer: I don't own the twins or Digimon. Once I own them, you will be the first to know.


Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni

Chapter Five

The First Step

Tears were not enough to describe his pain. Another useless tool he had no other choice but to use… to prove to himself at least that he was human…despite everything.

He continued hugging the portrait of his deceased mother, pressing it closer to his chest. The pain was generated even from that simple defense. It hurt to have his mother so close to him and yet so far…but she was the only one he still has.

'He…he….will hurt…m-me.'

His scared whimper escaped his painfully pressed lips. Kouichi knew that fighting or crying was so pointless but he felt as if that was his only resort now. He had disobeyed the orphanage's orders when he tried to fight the sleeping pills…

Punishment is what was waiting him. It didn't matter who would punish him but he was going to be hurt. He knew that, and in a way deserved whatever punishment. After all, he fought the sacred rule in his life. "You deserve any punishment they decide for you. You owe them your life."

His body trembled as his eyes avoided looking at the other's eyes.

Kouji bit his lip anxiously; staring at the other's collapsed form. The urge to leave was irresistible. He wished that he could just go to his bed and forget whatever was going on. However, a part of him felt ashamed of that very thought. It is cowardice to leave the other like this especially after what he had done. If he had allowed Satomi to give him the second pill, the other would have been asleep now, saving both of them such awkwardness.

He tried so hard to avoid such a moment. Staying late in Kendo practice, going to Takuya's soccer practice when he wasn't even a member and trying as much he can to stay out of the house were excuses and maybe ways to escape such internal turmoil.

It is not supposed to be that difficult. He told himself but whenever his eyes gaze at the trembling child in front him, he realize how weak and hesitant he was.

Sighing softly, he took few steps until he stood beside the other's bed. He blinked at the sight of his"brother."

Why is Kouichi acting like this? He asked himself in confusion. Sure, he didn't know anything about him but he was calmer and much more rationale when they talked few weeks ago about music and how he can play piano. Heck, he had replied so calmly to Kouji's insult when he doubted how a child from an orphanage could understand his performance. But now the child in front of him was very different.

A flash of lightening crossed the sky and Kouji's eyes grow wide at the color he saw on Kouichi's bed sheets.

Red.

Whimpers of pain echoed in the cold room as Kouichi embraced the picture closer, ignoring the covered glass that started to crack in his grip. It didn't matter to him how painful that act was. The only thing that made sense to him then was how close he was to his mother…

To say that Kouji had panicked at the sight would be surprise even to him in a calmer condition. An involuntary hiss of pain from Kouichi forced him to react. It seemed that Kouichi was more occupied with his pain and the portrait between his arms to notice Kouji's worried look which turned into an understanding frown.

Kouji gritted his teeth as another wave of pain consumed the other's weak body. The dribbles of blood continued weeping from Kouichi arms as the glass around the photo protested harshly at the child's tight embrace.

I should do something, Kouji thought bitterly but deep down he didn't want to do anything. Kouichi wanted his mother now despite the agony that was killing him. It would be unfair to take his last protector but it had to be done. It had to.

Kouji breathed heavily to ease his own tension before stretching his arms like a savior for a drown person but in his case he wasn't the savior and Kouichi wasn't the drown child. Both were drowning in their own worlds, neither allowed the other to reach him. Maybe because of fear or distrust. In deeper level, they weren't afraid of each other as much as they were afraid of what the other's existence would cause them.

His fingers touched the edges of the brown portrait, dragging it from the other's touch fiercely.

Kouichi struggled, fought, and cried but nothing worked as the portrait became between the other's hands few minutes after his first attempt to take it.

Kouji clenched his fist in frustration after putting the portrait quietly on the drawer.

'Y…you can't. You can't take Mama. Mama…mama!' his hoarse whimpers that turned into weak screams throw daggers at Kouji's heart, melting the ice around it.

Yes, he couldn't. It wasn't even his right to take such a precious thing from the other's arms. Why didn't he allow him to have the picture and let him hurt himself as much as he wants?

He didn't care. He never did. His heated words to his father when he brought Kouichi along with the hatred he filled his heart with whenever the other's existence was mentioned mocked him now. How could he be that weak to abandon his own life…his own way in living it?

He hated Kouichi, envied him, wished that he would disappear.

But…

May be Just maybe…something would change the cold heart he has. He was tired from masks and icy glares, frustrated from people's lies and hypocrisy. Sick of himself…

Maybe… Kouichi's existence. His own twin's existence would create the difference. Doesn't he deserve to be human instead of being a lone wolf?

It deserved a try.

With those ridiculous thoughts, he heaved a sigh before turning towards Kouichi who was struggling to sit, to touch the picture above the drawer beside him, dismissing the pain as if he hadn't even realized it.

'I won't take her. You were hurting yourself.'

His words were flat and emotionless. They brought confusion to Kouichi whose lips parted before his eyes dared a look to his bruised hands.

Kouichi realized the source of his physical pain, understanding the other's behavior when he took the picture from him. Kouji had helped him.

Walking slowly back to his bed, Kouji felt the other's scared stares at him. He snatched the bed's covers and went back to Kouichi's bed.

Kouichi's bed covers were already tangled under him. The thought that Kouichi would even figure this out and move to cover himself with them was so much unlikely to happen.

In a matter of seconds, Kouichi found himself under the covers, which his brother put on him silently. He didn't move at first to even lift the blanket from his head. Feeling the warmth of the blanket above his ached body, he moved the blanket away from his face to look at Kouji who was still standing and looking at him with expressionless eyes.

The trembles eased a bit as he blinked at Kouji in confusion. Feeling that Kouji wouldn't do anything, he wiped his tears fearfully before recollecting his courage to whisper in uncertain,

'You won't…hurt…hurt me?'

Kouji shook his head before answering quietly, 'No need to. I have no reason to hurt you.'

Kouichi couldn't believe what he was hearing from the person in front of him. Their first talk ended with Kouji's bitter reminder that he had no one and no one would care about him even if he died.

'B-But you…you hate me.'he whispered faintly as he remembered the other's words

'It is not that I hate you. I am just not used to your existence. Besides, you hate us as well.'

Kouji laughed inwardly without any hint of humor in his thoughts. He has every single reason to hate him and to hurt him. Kouichi had destroyed the unsatisfied life he lives, turning it into hell by his mere existence. He admitted to his father several times that he wouldn't care if his father sent Kouichi away. Heck, he had wished and prayed that the other would disappear without leaving nay evidence of his existence. Something in his heart is begging for the change. If he thought rationally he would understand that what he felt was confusion. He didn't hate the other nor he liked him.

'Hate you? I-I don't understand.'

He sounded honest in his question which surprisingly angered Kouji. 'Of course. You have every reason to hate my father after what he did to you and if Satomi was treating you nice, what she had done this night gives you enough reason to hate her.'

Kouichi's eyes widen at the angry, bitter tone of the other. He muttered hesitantly, 'I…I don't hate you.'

The long haired boy lost his temper rather rapidly for his cold character.' Liar! They hurt you. I hurt you and you know what I don't mind hurting you again. You have to hate us. For what we have done. For 'Kaa-san .

'I don't.'Kouichi answered quietly before sitting weakly and enveloping himself into the warm blanket.

'Why?'

'Because it is wrong. I owe your care. You didn't have to take me from the orphanage but you did. I can't hate someone who had tried to help me even if I didn't deserve.'he looked at the blanket and trembled as the memories clouded his mind.

They were much better than most of those who adopt him. They gave him a home and tried to kill his pain. Even though, he paid the price of staying here, he couldn't help but feeling somehow grateful for their existence.

He wouldn't be surprised if they took him back to the orphanage nor would he blame them for that. It just felt weird for him to have a normal life and family for a long time.

'What do you mean?'

'Kouji-kun. Your father could have easily taken me out from there and thrown me in te street. No one would blame him. He has no reason to keep me. Even if I didn't like it, his wife felt sorry for me. '

Kouichi's voice was strangely calm. Maybe a bit hesitant and it lacked confidence but it was generally normal…like that day.

Kouji's eyes reflected his surprise. What is wrong with him? Once wailing like a baby and other times talking in such mature way. Who is the real him? Kouji wondered then thought in amusement. So I am not the only one who can't be himself all the time

He couldn't help but feel amused at him. He had assumed earlier that Kouichi hated them and he told his father that. Remembering the shocked look in Kousei'e eyes when he tried to deny Kouji's words frustrated him now. His father was trying to believe that Kouichi was just scared and that didn't mean he hated them. It was a funny thoguht then in Kouji's eyes but after hearing Kouichi's words, he had to think again.

Kouji was about to come with a smirked thought regarding the other's interesting way of putting things before a loud sound terrified him, taking him off-guard. The whole house trembled at the thunder's loud voice as it sank in the darkness. The electricity went out, leaving them in terrifying blackness.

Kouichi wasn't the type of people that could be scared of thunderstorms but his soul started screaming in fear at the fearful darkness along with the mighty thunder.

His fingers left the blanket's edges to tangle themselves in his choppy hair. He sobbed softly out of fear at the beginning but the repetition of the thunder's performance forced his screams to grow louder till a stronger crack of the thunder sent him screaming in unmatched fear.

A chill ran down Kouji's spin at the thunder's roars as the screams of his brother became more violent and worrying.

It was scary, Kouji admitted that, but it seemed so silly to be scared of such a familiar sound. After all, this wasn't the first thunderstorm since the start of winter and would not be the last but something told him that if he were few years younger than that, he would be scared as well. The strange thing was the other's fear. Another thing that he didn't expect from the person who was talking damn so normally few seconds ago.

The only thing that was so clear in that darkness was that he didn't want to hear the other's cries anymore. They hurt him in a way he refused to even think about but, aching his heart severely that the desire he had before shocked him violently. When Kouichi collapsed after theit sweet talk few weeks ago, he wished he would be the one that would calm him, muttering that 'everything will be okay.'

A series of thunder cries forced Kouichi to jump literally, hugging his body and weeping as the blanket fell on the ground with his sudden movement.

'Hey! What happened to you this time?' He didn't mean to be rude but if someone who knew him was listening to his tone then, he would be surprised to see that he was really worried.

Kouichi didn't reply. He kept whimpering childishly and mumbling incoherently.' Darkness. S…Scary. Alone.'

He kept moving fiercely, hitting his head at the headboard in his stirring. 'Don't wanna go…go back.'

Kouji felt helpless for the first time in his life. He debated his thoughts whether to go and bring Satomi. A sick thought told him to pick some of the pills from the ground and force Kouichi to swallow. He reached the other and tried to touch his shoulders in attempt to stop the crazy movement of him but Kouichi crawled away. Kouji looked around him for anything without any hint of what he was searching for. He wanted to do something. Anything. No one likes to be helpless while hysteric cries were repeating themselves around him. With narrowed eyes, he spotted the electronic devise on his smiled slightly

'On…Onegai. S…Stop it.' Kouichi's stuttering plead was hoarse and frightened as his lips quivered. He wasn't talking to anyone.

And it stopped…

He felt his shoulders being seized rather harshly as Kouji had pushed him to rest upon the headboard. Kouichi couldn't hear anything. Yet he could see the flashing lightening in the sky. He blinked in puzzle before the pressure on his ears revealed the reason. Opening his eyes slowly, he saw Kouji sitting beside him nervously, looking at the Mp3 player in his hands.

Kouichi eyes widen again at the strange yet comforting voice. There was a calming music at the beginning before the words started to give sense.

A Song.

Nemura Anata Wa Kanashisou Da

~Your sleeping soul seems sad~

Warui Yumi Demo Mitra You Da

~As if you are sinking in a nightmare~

He realized as his fingers touched the headphones above his ears. It seemed that somewhere between his scared movements, Kouji managed to put the headphones around his ears to isolate him from the thunder voice.

The sound was growing louder in comforting rhyme and strangely enough, the lyrics were describing him. He dared a glance at Kouji who was refusing to meet his eyes. Kouji sighed to himself, hand around the blanket, bringing it from the ground and wrapping it around them silently, avoiding the other's puzzled eyes.

'It is okay.' Kouji muttered gently as the other's head started spinning slightly.

The effect of the sleeping pill, Satomi gave him started to affect him. His head rested on Kouji's shoulder unintentionally but he didn't have the strength to lift it.

'You can go to sleep now, Kouichi.' Kouji whispered softly in the other's ears, feeling Kouichi's hair tickling his skin warmly. Fighting the blush that started to overcome his features, he was shortly thankful to the darkness. The song was soft and affectionate enough to embarrass him but he did choose a random song, so he shouldn't feel embarrassed.

Why had I done this? Hedidn't know but it felt so right. The headphones were working perfectly. After all, when he bought them months ago, he choose a type that would isolate him from the outer world, leaving him in the arms of the music…to escape maybe.

The storm stopped few minutes later, accepting the rain's request to keep pouring heavily. The artificial light annoyed Kouji's vision, announcing that the power came back on.

It was hard to understand what happened or why but Kouichi didn't want to think too much about it. His body collapsed completely without his permission, throwing his weight on the other's shoulder's who tensed. Maybe he wasn't so lost. Maybe he had a place.

The headphone fell innocently from his ears as a soft murmur escaped his lips. 'Arigato, Kouji.'

The softness and innocence of the voice surprised Kouji but the word seemed as if it was from a lost dream. A cute smile curved Kouichi's lips as the tears stopped flowing and a light pink blush appeared on his teary face.

Kouji sighed in relief, ignoring the blood that rushed to his cheeks, staining them with a light pink color. He noticed with a tad surprise; Kouichi had called him with his name without the following suffix. After all, he himself had called Kouichi with his name for the first time and without a following suffix.

Instead of pushing the other's head from his shoulder, he put the blanket tightly around them. Kouichi was a mystery to him and whenever he thinks that he understood the other's strange behaviors, he would do something even weirder to bewilder him.

What a night! He wanted to scream suddenly. He wasn't himself at all or maybe he was lost between his masks that he forgot the real him.

That was the strangest and maybe the craziest night he had after the night his father brought Kouichi home two months ago yet he felt at ease.

He doubted if Kouichi would even remember or mention this night. After all, he seemed as if he doesn't remember their previous talk. He felt that this night would remain secret. Kouichi wasn't the type of people who would bubble everything that happened with them. He smiled to himself. At least he knew something about the other. Better than nothing.

He would give it a try. He had nothing more to lose.


Etto. The song is the first two lines from Kuroshitsuji Ending song (season two). The translation into English is mine as I have translated the lyrics from my mother language(the translated Japanese) into English.

I feel satisfied with this chapter. It is good to see a sweet end from time to time.

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please tell me your opinions and suggestions.

(-)(-)(-)(-)

Onegai: Please.

Arigato: Thank you.