Author Note
I admit it. This chapter is quite depressing so be previously warned. The rating for this chapter and the coming 3-4 chapters had slightly changed to (T+) . Not to reach the M level, though but fairly close to it.
Thanks to Immortal Fallen Radiance, DarkKnightCessi , Moonsmile-chan for reviewing, you made up my day, guys! Enjoy every one and Gomen nasai for being late. I made it extra long to make up for that so please tell me what you think ^^"
Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni
Chapter Eight
A Fallen Hope
A small, satisfied smile greeted his lips, brightening his innocent features. The blue orbs gazed proudly at the drawing's outlines; the picture's object wasn't too impressive but the skill itself was something he was grateful to have. An even wider smile overcame him once he put the sketch on the drawer beside the bed, he was sitting comfortably in. The reason beyond that smile wasn't purely because he was able to draw but basically because of how the sketch reached him. It was quite relieving to notice how hard Kouji was trying to be nice to him without showing it. Forgetting or rather purposefully putting a black, middle-sized sketch book on the desk after he, Kouichi, had previously and unintentionally mentioned that he liked drawing. Kouji had also brought the seventh book of Harry Potter's series, claiming that the owner of the book begged him to give it to him.
Kouji had even allowed Takuya to visit again, repeating over and over that he had allowed the brunette to come so they could finish their school project. Takuya had tried everything to teach Kouichi how to play an easy video game and despite Kouichi's effort to enjoy the game, they both miserably failed. When he reflected to that incident, he couldn't help but chuckle softly. Kouji looked too normal, almost human in a way, when he face-palmed himself once Takuya announced giving up teaching Kouichi to play for the fourth time in a raw(He returned to teaching him each time, though). Kouichi had thought that Takuya wouldn't appear with that cheesy smile of his in his room again however the brunette refused to give up on him even after the dramatic reaction he showed once the former's friendship was offered.
He gazed at the drawn black and white guitar contently. Nothing much could be drown in Kouji's room so he chose something simple and easy to draw before Kouji's coming back; something Kouji would like seeing. He would show it to him despite knowing that Kouji would only nod without offering any kind of appreciation or interest. If there was something Takuya's existence helped him to understand, it would be Kouji's fake coldness.
He felt much better. At least, he was able to leave the bed without stumbling on the floor. Eating by himself, walking inside the room and staying awake till he accept sleeping were changes that warmed his heart and increased his confidence. His relationship with Kouji didn't change that much but they were exchanging the formal greeting and few words from time to time. He had even debated offering Kouji some help in his project but he decided against that thought. For few minutes there, he wished he could join Kouji's school one day. Maybe they would work on something like that together.
'I will be here if you needed me.'
Kouichi believed every single letter of Kouji's reassurance heartily. They gave him hope of a better life. How couldn't he believe them when they were the only comfort he was desperately clutching now?
Who knows? Maybe the gloomy past would leave him if he accepted his coming days? Maybe if he convinced himself that life deserves living, that there was still hope he could hold on, he might then change himself and overcome his nightmarish fears. Thinking about the past would only kill him slowly but leaving the shell, he imprisoned himself inside through accepting people in his life might color his unfortunate life. People that he could completely trust. People like his brother who had offered that afternoon (grumbling with poorly showed indifference) that he could take him to the nearby public park because his female friend, Orimoto Izumi, wanted to see him. Kouichi had smiled at the offer then and nodded, telling him that he would like to thank her personally for the books. Kouji had just shrugged and muttered that he would be at Takuya's house to finish his project (Simply because Takuya would try another session of game's teaching and would eventually forget their project) Now, he thought about it, Kouji had talked to him while facing the desk and fumbling with his books nervously-to put the sketch maybe.
He knew that he was contradicting himself by shifting between being extremely hopeful and miserably desperate. But…maybe that was what he needed to move on…to believe in her words that someone out there might care about him.
His blessed silent world started to fall apart suddenly and rather drastically. His heart ached for no reason and the fearful look his eyes had been free from for few days now threatened to kill him internally. He touched his chest frantically, wondering about the reason of such illogical fear and the answer came weaklyas unfamiliar voices came near Kouji's room. He looked at the door suspiciously, begging his heart to calm down. There was nothing to be afraid of, right? From the voices, he could easily recognize that both were males and much different than Takuya and Kouji's voices. Older, lower but something was strangely scary about them. He faintly recognized the somewhat familiar tone of one of them. His father; Kouji's father...
His heart clenched as the door's opened and his high hopes had crushed miserably.
'Man, why the hell should I care about first world war? Couldn't Kobayashi-sensei give us something easier to talk about?' Takuya whined pathetically, throwing himself on his room's carpet. He frowned when he realized that Kouji didn't even recognize his complaint, not even with a biting remark as usual.
'Oy, Where are you, buddy?'
Kouji sighed from the desk's chair and returned to scribbling some points on his notebook. 'I am trying to do something useful instead of whining.'
'But it is so damn boring! And you are so meanie, Kouji. You refused to continuedoing the project at your house. We could have kept Kouichi's company that way.' He added as an after thought. 'I was even going to teach him how to play a game that I just bought yesterday since you are too busy to pay attention to video games'
'You'd better finish the project quickly then not to die of boredom. I might allow you to come then.' Kouji scowled and opened another book, searching the table of contents for what could be relevant to the project's subject. 'Beside, it is just paper work. No presentation or stupid play act. Just an old plain paper work. The teacher will accept anything as long as it is not copied and pasted from the internet. You can play with him after finishing, you know.'
'As if I can use the internet to search for something useful.' Takuya scratched his chin.
Kouji released a growl then stood to bring the old-looking book from Takuya's bookcase. Takuya yawned in laziness and silence stretched for few minutes. The sudden sound of the book's closing caused Takuya to jump and turn his head to his friend questioningly. 'What is wrong with you?' His confusion developed into worry once Kouji's face looked too concentrated and slightly pained. 'Kouji? Is something wrong?'
The book fell from Kouji's hands to produce a thump sound on the floor. The long-haired boy didn't answer Takuya's question but his eyes betrayed him, showing fear.
'Kouji?'
Kouji shook his head once he recognized his friend's alarmed voice. He took a deep breath before leaning and collecting his things. He muttered as if talking to himself. 'I need go home.'
Takuya blinked then looked at the wall's o'clock. He exclaimed in concern. 'But it is 7:15 PM! You are used to stay till 11 and we have a project to finish.' He paused once Kouji stopped collecting his books and asked with a thoughtful, worried frown. 'What happened?'
'I don't know.' Kouji answered truthfully, looking at the floor. 'I just felt a painful twinge suddenly. I feel like I have to be home now.'
'Is it Kouichi?' Takuya asked bluntly. Once he thought about his question seconds later, he realized that he didn't even know why he asked it that way. It is not like Kouji seemed to have any kind of twin telepathy with the boy who had appeared from no where into his life.
Kouji bit his lip anxiously and answered in uncertainty seconds later, casting his gaze to the ground. 'I don't know but…I-I could feel that something ...very wrong is going to happen.'
'You said he was okay when you left. You have even bought him that sketch you saw after your Kendo practice yesterday.' Takuya looked at the darkening sky and trailed. 'You should have told him that it is a present, you know. I mean what if he didn't understand why you put it there in the first place.' He giggled suddenly and added: 'Iie, he is smart enough to understand your hopeless attempts to befriend him, ne? I am sure, he is enjoying himself now.' Takuya grinned at the last part but the grin faded quickly when Kouji didn't glare at him or protested that he bought it without intending to give it to his twin. They both knew that Kouji had improved a lot. Even if he himself insisted that their relationship was still the same.
'Otou-san is coming today.' The monotones, dead statement puzzled Takuya before it clicked slowly.
'Today? He had been in Tokyo for...ten days, right?'
Kouji nodded.
'It might be something good. He will be glad to see that Kouichi is felling better. Come on, he was the one who had always asked you to be nice to him. You don't have to worry.' Takuya reasoned, trying so hard to believe his own words.
'Maybe.'
'Hey, he might even send Kouichi to our school. The break finishes in few days.' Takuya smiled once he thought about his words carefully. Why wouldn't the twins' father send his elder son to their school anyway? Kouichi was feeling much better and with some help he would be able to join school normally.
'School?' Kouji seemed surprised at the mere thought.
'Hai.' Takuya smiled enthusiastically. 'Maybe you should talk to your father about that. Me and you and Izumi are in the same class so Kouichi won't be alone at all. We will take care of him. And about your similarities and the adoption thing, we can take care of that later.'
'You think?' It wasn't wrong to hope that their life will change and leave that melancholy circle, surrounding it since Kouichi's appearance. If he accepted that improvement, things might be better for all of them.
Takuya nodded in encouragement.
His friend was right. There was no point in worrying without even having a reason but…Kouji wasn't willing to ignore that pain and stay here. He should. No he needed go home. And now. He had never experienced the sudden pain that squeezed his heart and disturbed him endlessly. He heard that twins feel each other's pain but that wasn't possible. After all, he had lived without knowing about Kouichi's existence for years and never felt such pain. To be truthful with himself, he had always felt that something was missing in his life and even when Kouichi appeared that didn't help to fill the hole completely. It was starting to fill slowly, though.
Takuya didn't protest again when he repeated that he was going home and that they would complete their project later.
Whatever that pain was, he didn't want to feel it again.
That wasn't supposed to happen. None of it! Satomi-san had told him that his father cared about him and he believed her despite the fear, despite the memory of the identity that was burned in front of his eyes and despite his father's words that he wasn't allowed to address them as a family unless they asked for that. He didn't want to open his eyes to see the truth; the scary truth that had always manged to beat his dreams.
In front of him, his father was talking to a man, he had never seen before. From the look of the case he was carrying and the professional eyes that examined the Prescription and the full bottle of sleeping pills, he looked like a doctor but completely different from the kind doctor that came few times before. Hadn't Kouji broke that bottle? he wondered. Maybe there was another one that Satomi-san didn't want to use.
They were talking as if he wasn't even there. The white-haired man shot him a disgusted look that sent shivers to his body. He pulled the blanket closer to his-now- clearly trembling body.
'Minamoto-san, shouldn't you have adopted someone else? He will have bad influence on your son besides that orphanages is one of the worst orphanages I heard about.'
Kousei didn't answer but moved to lean against the blank wall, gesturing to "the doctor" to start his job. The other man sighed and approached Kouichi's bed. 'Now, kid, let me see what your problem is exactly.'
Kouichi curled like a ball and pressed himself as far as he can from the man. 'Iie…stay away…' He begged in terror while the other's hand touched the top of his pajama. He screamed, pushing his hands away from him unsuccessfully.
'Stay still, boy! I won't hurt you.' The man said in irritation. He pushed the boy to lye on the bed forcefully.
'No…no…NO!' The blue eyes shivered frantically as the other's strong arms manged to unbutton the dark navy Pajama's top. His mind refused to give him a logical reason for what was going around him. The opened medical case meant that this man was a doctor. He wouldn't hurt him, right? Yet...he couldn't stifle his hysterical screams.
The man pushed him angrily then looked at Kousei as if explaining his harsh attitude. 'The kids from that orphanage are good actors you know. Acting so innocent and hiding how twisted they are. Seriously, you have a bright son, why would you adopt something as trivial as this kid?
Kousei answered calmly. 'Hamasaki- sensei, continue your work, please.'
Hamasaki seemed flushed because of the other's comment. He turned to reveal his frustration on the miserable figure In front of him. Feeling the urge to convince the other male of his perspective, Hamasaki muttered poisonously. 'You know, there was a girl that committed suicide from that orphanage few years ago. The one who was adopting her said that she was stealing from him. She was even running from his house and working in a night club.'
The story seemed so trivial to Kousei who ignored it completely and looked at his son who had stopped fighting suddenly, eyes wide.
'How shameful of a fourteen-year girl to work as a whore. I wouldn't be surprised if this kid was-'
Kousei shouted hotly, losing his cool suddenly. 'Hamasaki-sensei!' Judging the way he growled at the man, he seemed ready to do more than verbal shouting. Hamasaki's language wasn't the language of a respectful doctor but he was the only one he could bring without fearing undesired consequences. Hamsaki was different from the family's doctor who was had come several times to examine Kouichi''s health and had been extra careful when he described the sleeping pills to him.
Hamasaki nodded curtly in apology, unsatisfied at being interrupted. He had always hated those who would end up with desire to destroy the systematic society he was worshiping. These diseases, like the brat in front of him, were taking humanity down and causing the world to become an even darker place. How could he like one of those who would end up criminals one day no matter how nice they were treated?
He resumed his work, ignoring the glistering tears of the child's eyes. He didn't even know his name and it didn't really matter to him. After all, he owed Mianmoto Kousei a favor after Kousei had saved his client from bankrupt so he, Hamasaki, didn't hesitate when the man asked for his help to offer a more effective drug. He had even volunteered to examine the patient himself but once he had knew that he was an adopted kid from one of the worst known orphanages in the district, he regretted accepting.
Kouichi was about to protest against the other's indignant story but the feeling of fingertips touching his skin sent him screaming in horror. Unknowingly to the two adults, the trivial gossip the doctor had narrated carelessly was like a knife that dug deeply in his heart, opening an old wound.
His heart cried in fear...in shame for not being able to defend the girl who had been the motherly figure that enabled him to clutch the hope of something better…of someone who might care about him.
An image of a pretty fourteen-year girl flashed in his mind. Her sweet, motherly smile had always managed to warm his heart. The smooth, light brown hair was loose around her elf-like features as the bright blue eyes encouraged him softly. 'Never loose hope Kou-chan. People who lost hope has no reason to live…like me.' Her tender voice cracked at the last two words before stepping back from him. The strong winds were playing sympathetically with her waist-lengthen hair.
'But, Aiko-Onee-chan! You said you will...stay with me this time.'He cried clutching her hand as strong as his small hands can.
'Gomen nasai, I can't stay anymore. I-I can't bear it anymore.'her voice wavered as tears streamed on her cheeks. 'I can't be their toy anymore. I am done selling myself.'
He had been too young to understand her words but it hurt him to see her crying. She lent in front of him and gave him a tight hug. 'You have such a big and sweet heart, Kouichi, don't ever allow anyone to destroy it! Hope is all what you need, sweetie, to find someone who will care deeply about you.'
He sobbed in her arms and nodded without understanding the complicated things she talked about.
The wind grow ruthless. 'I have to go now.'
The eight-year old kid closed his eyes painfully to fight the burning tears as the orphanage's officials along with the monster who had destroyed his Onee-chan appeared from behind them. They were running and from their faces, they seemed like they were searching for them. She looked at them in disdain, he had never seen in those particular loving eyes. 'I am not yours anymore.'
The forty-year old man in a black suit smiled sickeningly at her. 'Oh, don't be so naughty, baby. You know we can take care of you.'
'Never. Not again! I won't lose myself to someone like you.' The girl screamed fiercely and took few steps back towards the edge of the orphanage's fence-less roof, smiling gently at Kouichi's tearful face and whispering so no one else could hear her. 'I was so glad to be like an elder sister to you, Kouichi. I am sure you will be okay…Sayonara!'
The scene faded and a scream tore his throat once he was back to reality.
The man, the doctor, took a small bottle and a needle from his case along with his stethoscope, scorning the anguish look in the child's eyes. The kid's cries sounded hysterically insane to him. No wonder Minamoto-san wanted to get rid of him, he thought.
'I-I can't give up. If I did I…' Kouichi moaned. The cold touch of the other's fingers on his skin brought horrified memories to his mind. He screamed again almost hysterically. Yet that didn't stop the horrible memories or the other's touch…
The first thing that alarmed him once he opened the front door was the helpless look of his step-mom. She was covering her face in her hands and the sound of sniffs reached his sensitive eyes. She looked at him, shocked and stuttered. 'Ko...uji, you'd better sleepover...at K-Kanbara-kun's house...tonight.'
Kouji didn't thought about her words but kept staring at her tearful eyes and the miserable, tired look of her face, momentarily forgetting where he was. She wiped her tears and shuddered involuntarily before rushing to his side and enveloping him in a sudden hug which he didn't even return. He stood, still, allowing her to hug him and to cry softly. She kept murmuring that he shouldn't be home now and that everything would be fine. His mind froze once he registered what she was saying, his eyes moved unconsciously to the stairs.
A high-pitched screech stunned them. Satomi released him and gaped in terror, repeating without making an eye contact. 'Onegai, Kouji. Go to your friend's house now...I beg you...It will be O-okay!'
Another scream that seemed stifled succeeded a terrified gasp shook him. And before he knew it, he was running towards his room, leaving Satomi who called him in a panicked tone.
His bedroom's door was open and the second he reached it, he saw what made his heart sink. His father was standing beside the wall, with expressionless face that had been empty of all emotions. No matter how distanced he was from his father, he had never seen such a blank look.
A third cry disturbed the silence and the sound of a strange man scowled in frustration. 'Damn it Kid, Shut up!'
The kid, the man was ordering was no one but the fragile figure that was pinned on the bed. The blankets were thrown carelessly under the man's feet. None of them acknowledged his presence and his disbelieving blue eyes moved slowly to see what the man was doing-the doctor- he managed to understand from the look of the opened medical case on his own bed. The figure, his brother, was fighting feebly, trying to push the man's hands from his bare chest. Kouji's eyes widened once he noticed the faded bruises and scars on Kouichi's chest. The whip's faint lines traced his pale skin, giving Kouji the urge to throw up.
Kouichi gasped and released another scream, whimpering faintly with a hoarse plead. 'Please…stay away…s-s-stop, please…please…'The plead didn't reach the doctor's deaf eyes. He shouted at the boy, dangerously. 'I am not going to hurt you, boy! Shut up and let me do my work!'
The man's strong right hand clutched Kouichi's bare arms above his head. He snatched a needle from the bed(It had obviously fell because of Kouichi's struggling movement) and as quick as Kouji noticed it, the needle's content was injected in Kouichi's wrist.
Kouichi gaped, wept and screamed meekly but nothing had changed around him. His father avoided looking at his tear-stained face or feeling his tremors. A shudder then another weak plead once his body lost its power to protest. He murmured to himself more than anyone's else. 'P-please…enough…Mama…hel-' His head fell on the pillow. His eyelids screamed, begging him to close them but fear prevented the sedative from killing the light and banishing it from his eyes. The blue, unfocused eyes gazed blurrily at the image of Kouji standing at the door's step. They widened ever slightly as tears kept tickling his cheeks. A dying groan was followed by an inaudible cry that mouthed Kouji's name before his whole body gave up helplessly.
'Oh, this is your son, Minamoto-san.' The man's sudden voice brought Kouji to the unbelieving reality of what he was seeing. He didn't believe how stunned he was. His existence hadn't even been noticed till that strange man looked at him in admiration as if comparing him to the wimpy unconscious boy. The image of Kouichi's shivering body forced him to forget how to breath. The other's tears kept falling even after he lost consciousness to wet the pillow.
His father nodded without even turning to look at him. The man moved again towards Kouichi's body. He put the stethoscope roughly on the patient's weakly raised chest. Few minutes passed with them accepting the silence forcefully or voluntarily and in Kouji's case unconsciously. He wasn't able to recognize what had happened in front of his eyes. The doctor used another needle to take a specimen from the unconscious kid's wrist and muttered to the other adult in the room. 'I wouldn't be surprised if I discovered some terrible illness by examining his blood. You can never trust those little devil's innocent faces.'
The supposed doctor gathered his devices, closed his case and smiled professionally to Kousei before steeping out of the room, with a slight bow, promising to give him the results as quick as possible and handing him a small box of needles.
The man left, leaving both son and father alone.
'W-why?'Kouji managed to utter once he trusted himself enough not to stutter yet the waver in his voice proved him wrong.
'Because it has to be done.' Kousei answered coldly. 'Didn't you want him to disappear from your life? I will do what you wished.'
'Wh-what do you mean?' He shouted, anger burning inside him.
'I will send him to a hospital that treats drug abuse.' His father's voice was flat. He moved towards Kouichi who was gasping for air, desperately. Kouji didn't say anything for few minutes, allowing his father to re-button Kouichi's top pajama and to cover him with the thrown blanket. Kouichi's body shivered at the mere touch of Kousei's hand on his skin.
'P-please…ay…Mama…'
The muffled, unconscious words made Kouji's body tremble with rage. He looked at his brother whose shivers were visible enough to tell them that his nightmares had already begun.
'He-He was feeling…better.' Kouji whispered weakly, all strength left him vulnerable to understand any of what was going on. Wasn't his father who asked him numerous times to be nice to his brother? Wasn't he the one who told him that he was proud of how better he had started to treat Kouichi? And wasn't his father who insisted that Kouichi would never hate him…that Kouichi is just afraid and would be better if they cared enough about him?
'And that is the problem.' Kousei said monotonously, walking towards the door. 'I can't send him to a boarding school neither to your school. It is impossible to send him back to an orphanage so that leaves the hospital. The percentage of drugs in his body isn't enough for the hospital's administration to allow him to stay there, though.'
'So…so…you were drugging him purposefully?'Kouji's voice increased dangerously.
'People have already started talking.'
'You are killing him…'
'He would understand one day. I can't allow him to go out to the world when I don't know what to tell people about him. I thought he would take a while to recover from what happened in the orphanage but he is as stubborn as your mother.'
The mentioning of his mother in that indifferent tone cut the last thread of patience or lack of understanding Kouji had. He growled in a voice that looked like a wolf's cry 'He wanted a life…Why can't you give it to him? Damn it! He was begging you to help him minutes ago. He was pleading you to look at him in a different way-different from those who treated him as a tool. Is your position in front of the society matters more than your own son?
'You don't understand!'
'Shut up!' What the hell do you think me? You asked me to be nice to him and now you are killing him and asking me to stay away!'. Kouji roared, tears threatening to fall. He pointed at Kouichi. 'Can't you see him? He is scared…He doesn't want to be trapped in his nightmares but you are pushing him there.'
'I am doing this for his sake.'
'Liar! You are afraid of what others will say about you. You are scared of the sound of his screams that sure as hell had reached the neighbors now.'
'Just keep him out of your life, Kouji. Isn't that what you wanted?'
'S-s-stop!'the sobbed mumble felt like lightening that froze both of them. Kouji's eyes moved instinctively towards the sleeping figure who continued whimpering in his sleep, groaning painfully.
'I-I hate you.' He cried out at his father. 'You are a monster who doesn't care about anyone other than yourself. You don't mind killing him if that what will make you keep your money and power. Just an immoral monster. You killed 'Kaa-san. You killed her and you will kill us too to satisfy your selfish ne-…'
A slap cut Kouji's words, its strength pushed Kouji's body to hit the wall as his father yelled, 'You don't understand!'
'THEN LET ME UNDERSTAND!' Kouji pushed himself to his feet and ran towards the older man. His feet made contact with his father's stomach, forcing the adult to clutch his stomach in pain and to stumble back. Kouji was so shocked by his own behavior to say another word. The staining red mark hurt even more when he recognized the hidden pain in his father's eyes when he mumbled in exhaustion. 'I want to help him but I have no other choice. He needs a therapy that I can't offer while he is here. He needs medical help, you idiot!'
The last part came as a growl. He clutched Kouji's jacket collar, urging him to look at his eyes directly. 'What the hell do you know? It is better to stay in your blessed ignorance. You would never UNDERSTAND!'
His father had never cursed and in normal cases that use of cusses would surprise Kouji but at that moment all what he had cared about was hurting the man in front of him. Kouji was ready to direct another punch at his father's face but the voice of Satomi's scream stopped him. She had run to her husband, releasing Kouji from his grip and crying pathetically, begging them to stop. And they did. Kousei gave his younger son another look before leaving. 'Just forget about him for now. That would be better for both of you.'
Nakidashisou na kao de ureu hikui sora
~The low sky grieves with a face that's about to cry~
His head was spinning painfully and a headache he rarely felt was smashing his skull like a hammer. Listening to the song on full blast, didn't help in distracting him or in clearing his mind. Resting his head upon his knees didn't manage to decrease the pain's intensity or the broken feeling that was consuming his very existence. He had been powerless, unable to even move when he saw Kouichi screaming. He had just let them hurt him…
He bit his lip as another faint scream escaped the vulnerable kid on the bed next to his. He raised the sound's volume.
Suru koto mo naku toki o kezuru
~Without ever doing so, it shaves off a moment~
Hakidasu ba no nai omoi o nomikonde
~Swallowing the thoughts with no place to be vomited~
How painful it must be, to be trapped in your nightmares unable to wake up. He didn't even try shaking him to wake up. Part of him felt afraid of facing the other again. He knew that their eyes had met before Kouichi had lost consciousnesses; that Kouichi had recognized his existence…and recognized his helplessness.
Nanimokamo ga kowaresou na fuan daite asu ni obie
~Fearing a tomorrow where I embrace the anxiety that everything's about to shatter~
Asatte bakka miteta tte kotae wa denai koto datte wakatteru
~And looking only at the day after tomorrow won't bring me an answer-I know that~
"I will be here if you needed me." Idiotic promise. Nothing could have been done even if he wanted to. How silly he felt suddenly. He had thought that the solution was in his hands; that if he cared everything will be perfect.
Few tears fell hopelessly. It was pointless, he reminded himself. He had been right when he told Kouichi at the very beginning that his father would throw him away once he knew where. The surrendering tears in his eyes continued falling pathetically. An inaudible gasp showed his shock once he noticed the black sketch book on the drawer between them. He reached for it, uncertain. The drawing of his favorite guitar nested in the first paper, skillfully, impressively and full of life. He bit his lip as sudden anger burned inside him. Without a second thought, he tore the drawn paper and threw the sketch book on the floor in disgust, despising himself and the unfair world he was living in.
Kagiriaru wazuka na toki no naka
Hetakuso na jibun egake
Ima wa mada sore de ii
~Draw a crappy-looking sketch of yourself
Within a limited, cramped amount of time
Right now, I'm still fine with that~
He pressed the headphones to his ears in order to shut the other's nightmarish moans then raised his head slightly to cast a sympathetic look at the other's struggling form. 'Why can't you simply…die?'
He felt sick for uttering those words but death would be much better than suffering in a life that no one wants him in.
Nothing deserve fighting for. Is it too hard to give up? he thought; the hatred against himself increased.
'I-I…' He fought the humiliating tears and murmured. 'I hate you…Kouichi.' His heart preferred to stop at that moment. The twinge he felt earlier pained him even more but he ignored the pain, miserably.
It was sickening to blame the other for being powerless. It was his fault that he couldn't help Kouichi or fulfill the only promise he had given him and he knew that. But he also knew that if Kouichi had never appeared in his life, he would have continued his life so normally. Kouichi's existence just gave him a concert proof of how useless his life was. And he loathed that feeling and hated the poor child that had smiled at him softly that very afternoon wishing him good luck on his project and shyly asked him to send his greetings to Takuya-kun.
Kagirinaku hirogaru masshiro na ashita ni nani o egaku
Genjitsu ga someyuku makkura na ashita ni nani o egaku
Mogakikagayaku
~What will I draw on the tomorrow that spreads infinitely, pure white?
What will I draw on the tomorrow that reality stained pure black?
I struggle and shine~
He hugged his knees harshly. He didn't even send the other's greetings to Takuya…And he would never do so.
It was a crazy hope to wish having someone so close to him. Just a false dream that shattered in front of his very eyes. He closed his puffy eyes slowly, distancing himself from the world around him. The song's last few words lost meaning to him. No struggling anymore and certainly he wouldn't shine. Minamoto Kouji muttered to the darkness faintly, aiming his words to the one who had suddenly cut the darkness with a heart-breaking, unconscious"S-stop..."
'Just die…You are too good to live…too good for someone like me. I don't want you anymore, Nii-san...'
The first and the last time he wanted to call the other with "Nii-san..."
To Be Continued
Nii-san: Beloved elder brother
Otou-san: Father
'Kaa-san: Mother
Onee-chan: Elder sister
Gomen nasai: Sorry
Sayonara: Farewell
Hai:Yes
Iie: No
Onegai:Please
Sensei:A suffix attached to teachers and doctors' names.
...
AIKO 愛子 f Japanese
From Japanese 愛 (ai) "love, affection" and 子 (ko) "child".
KOBAYASHI Japanese Sir Name
Means "small forest" in Japanese.
HAMASAKI Japanese Sir name
From hama meaning "beach, seashore" and saki meaning "small peninsula, cape".
Reference: Behind the name website.
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*Sniffs*...I feel like crying now. Aiko is the second sweet, fourteen-year old girl I kill in my stories. Waaaaaah. Anyway, guys, I hope you enjoyed the chapter( I wonder if I can call this enjoyment!) Regarding Kousei, we will see more about him the coming chapter along with the kinda full story*flashback* so, please, don't judge the poor man unfairly now.
The song in the end is Konpurikeishon ~Complication~ Durarara! anime 2nd opening. The translation is from Anime lyrics dot com. The song is quite noisy but its meanings seemed strangely suitable to Kouji's emotions. It is a good way to distract him, though.
