Author Note

Konichiwa guys! Finally, this story got an update. It has been so long since it was updated but I couldn't update faster. Gomen nasai Minna-san and thanks to everyone who is still reading and replying.

On a separate note, this chapter is for daddy Kousei. He deserved an explanation chapter after all this mess. This chapter(not separated into parts. Sorry !) contains a flashback in italics and many paragraphs after that are related to the past but I didn't italicize them. The twins didn't appear here except in the flashback. Notice that I am trying to be objective here and it is up to you to judge. As I have no experience or special knowledge of adoption, law or/and orphanages all the ideas here are for the story's sake . Technical information about Kouisei's ideas are fictional.

I wish you enjoy =^.^=


Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni

Chapter Ten

What Lies Beneath

Lies are life-illusions. Humans need them to survive, to move on and to forget. Minamoto Kousei had to lie to save what was left from his familial life. He couldn't sacrifice his present for a dead past or at least it was dead till his lost elder son came back to life. Literally.

Sipping his coffee slowly, he couldn't help but note how different it was from Tomoko's coffee. Maybe because he made it himself. He couldn't ask Satomi especially when he was avoiding any possibility of talking to her. Nevertheless, even Satomi's delicious coffee would never taste like Tomoko's. It was Tomoko's emotions back then that made his coffee wonderfully tasty. As a lawyer, he needed all the concentration in the world while working and Tomoko was always there to make everything lovely and cozy. He closed his eyes, leaned on the chair's back and lost himself inside his memories, imagining the present heavy black coffee as Tomoko's.

The coffee's tingling warmth was all what he needed to work especially when he had to focus on the complicated case between his hands. He had returned from his journey to the kitchen after pouring another cup of coffee. Once he put the cup aside, he noticed the non-existence of the pile of papers he just brought from the work's office that morning.

He was so sure that he had left them on the living room's table. Tomoko was cleaning the office room, which disabled him from working quietly there. The laughing sounds from the playing room attracted him as a rather disturbing idea struck him. Tomoko entered the living room a minute later, sighing tiredly. 'Seriously, Kousei, why couldn't you be more organized while working?' She cut her scolding and crossed her arms against her chest, eyeing the messy table. 'Should I clean this too?'

He laughed a bit awkwardly as if apologizing and she sighed hopelessly. 'I hope Kouji and Kouichi won't grow up as messy as you.'

He was about to defend his pride but he retreated and asked pretty seriously, 'I can't find the rest of the case's file. Did you see them while cleaning?'

She shook her head. 'I thought you had taken what you needed before leaving the home office.' Putting the cleanings materials aside, she looked at the table in concentration.

'No.' She mumbled slowly before exchanging a meaningful glance with her husband. Once the idea reached both of them, they ran to the playing room.

And as they expected. The lawyer's precious papers were thrown in the middle of the room. The younger twin was chasing a flying one happily while the other was leaning above one with his crayons all around him.

Tomoko palmed her face and side glanced at Kousei in concern even if her words were superficially blaming. 'You shouldn't have left important papers above the living room's low table.'

He didn't react to her words, increasing her worried tone. 'Are they this important? I am sure the boys didn't ruin them that much.'

The voice of a paper's tearing proved her wrong. Kouji seemed upset because the flying paper fell to the ground instead of flying like a plane so he punished it…by tearing it.

Kouichi was the one who recognized his parents' presence. He rose from his place, stumbled a bit before leaning over and grasping the drown paper.

'Papa, Look!' His voice was small and too thrilled with himself. The smile was like a melody that would scatter easily despite how eternally it seemed. He walked with tiny steps towards his silent father and showed him the colorful drawing above the neat typed words. Tomoko knelt so she could capture her son's eyes and scowled. 'That wasn't something good, Kouichi-chan. Don't take your father's papers again.' Her scolding stopped to shift to the younger twin who was jumping above the papers on the carpet. 'And stop jumping, Kouji! You will ruin them.'

Apparently the younger twin was too happy in balancing himself inside the papers' borders to care about his mother's scolding.

'Papa!' Kouichi tried again to grasp his father's attention. Receiving no apparent recognition, he looked at the floor sadly. The shining cute smile shattered like a fallen puzzle. However it was miraculously saved once his father decided to speak.

'Let me see, Kouichi.' His father's voice was inviting and the cloud above his features had vanished. He picked Kouichi up and took him outside the room. Kouji, unable to see his brother being taken away from him, abandoned his interesting game and followed them to see his father carrying Kouichi in his lap and sitting on the couch. Tomoko followed them and sighed contently at the scene. 'You have another copy of them, don't you?'

He raised an eyebrow and ginned. 'Sure I have.'

'You scared me there. I thought…'

'You thought I would be mad at them?'

She shifted uncomfortably and nodded hesitantly. 'They are important to you. I mean your work is always important to you.'

He ignored her comment and rocked Kouichi who appeared to be enjoying himself in his father's lap. 'He draws quite well. If he is able to hold crayons now, I am sure he will be a great artist one day.' He paused then laughed at Kouji's pouting face. 'Come here, Kouji. I know you want to cuddle to him.'

Kouji grinned and ran to his father. Usually, the elder twin would stumble in taking few steps unlike the more energetic Kouji but that had never made him less important or beloved to him. He lifted Kouji in his arms. They were too small so it was so easy for them to snuggle between their father's arms comfortably. Tomoko joined them few minutes later then gave a small frown. 'I should be jealous of you now. I am playing with them all day but once you are here, they forget me.' She crossed her arms playfully before pouting even more when Kousei laughed. 'Come on. I am their dear papa who bring all these toys to them. Surely they will love me.'

'Can't deny that, can I?' she smiled affectionately and nuzzled Kouichi's cheeks who started to fall asleep. Kousei sighed and pretended to look annoyed. 'So I am supposed to keep them like this.'

'As long as they truly fall asleep if you want to work quietly.' Tomoko grinned in amusement.

He didn't mind carrying them all day if they wanted to. His work could wait.

If he knew how much he would miss those tender moments, he would have treasured them even more. Love was there in the small family but it didn't survive long. It started with trivial fights that escalated towards divorce. He was selfish so was Tomoko. Both were young and stubborn. They decided that they couldn't continue together. Ironically, he couldn't really remember what destroyed their happiness. Their children would suffer much more in a broken family under the same roof so he agreed with Tomoko to leave each other. The decision of separating the twins was the court's final words. He had to choose which one to keep and it had been the hardest decision of his life.

A father shouldn't love one of his sons more than the other because it was unfair but he couldn't help it. He had loved Kouichi more than the younger twin. Kouichi was the one who managed to tell him without words that he was his father. Kouji was stubborn and dependent even at a young age. Kouichi would smile at anything and would easily accept bring carried or fed unlike Kouji who was known by his ability to bite whoever try to come near him or his twin aside from his parents. Kouichi was fragile and independent which gives him the feeling of responsibility and that he was needed in their life. However Kouji had given him the feeling that he could easily grow up without him because he was strong.

Strange how different their personalities were even in such a young age.

Because he loved Kouichi, he kept him with Tomoko. Kouichi needed someone who would love him and take care of him more than Kouji who didn't seem to have trouble with staying alone without crying for a mother. His life had continued roughly but he was a hard worker who built a place for himself in the changing community. But he didn't forget his son and ex-wife. He couldn't. Looking at Kouji had always reminded him with Kouichi's sweeter nature. He made sure to offer them what they needed indirectly. After few months of the divorce, he asked a friend who was working in Shibuya and living in Shinjuku to take money to his wife and son. He kept sending money, glad that Tomoko was accepting it. He knew that she wouldn't find a job easily so the money would help her and Kouichi. No matter how he had tried to shake his confused feelings, he couldn't. It was strange that Tomoko was accepting the money so easily. After two years, he knew why. His friend hadn't delivered a single yen to Tomoko and his son. He had discovered that when that friend had suddenly decided to leave Japan.

He had returned to Tomoko's parents' home, knowing that she had moved to live there after the divorce. She wasn't there.

She was dead along with his four-year son. Terrified of the news, he asked about them in the local hospital and knew that she had been sick and unable to get medicine. He heard nothing about Kouichi there except from an old woman who told him that the child was sick too.

He left with a heavy heart and two death certificates with him. It wasn't difficult to get one for his elder son. Judging from the circumstances, there was no doubt that the boy had died with his mother.

That night, he entered his house in Shibuya, blaming himself for the lie that had become true. There was no one named Kouichi anymore and Kouji's mother was dead.

He couldn't stop blaming himself for what happened to them. It had been his fault. He had killed his wife and son because he was a coward. If he was courageous enough to make sure that they were fine, they would have been alive. He had lost them both because he didn't deserve them and he no longer deserved Kouji too. Moving on was impossible. There was no way he could look at Kouji's face without remembering that his other son had died because he couldn't offer him medical treatment. Darkness swallowed the three following years of his life. He had continued working but he had lost the feeling of being a father. It became a duty to take care of Kouji. Till he met her. She showed him that blaming himself for his wife's death would take him nowhere. Step by step, he loved his life again because Satomi gave him hope that he could be a good father. They started dating and few months later, they married. Kouji wasn't happy about it but he had been young. He would understand when he grow up, that was what Kousei believed. It hurt to lie to her but he couldn't gather the courage to tell her the truth.

That truth wouldn't bring the dead back. Or maybe not.

Four years later, one of his co-workers had told him about a boy that looked a lot like his son and he started chasing that hope. And found it eventually. But that hope didn't lead him to the son he had left years ago. What he had found in his place was a broken doll who had lost its innocence and childhood. Kouichi had always reached for others to play with him but the boy he had found there was trembling from strangers. That boy had been a broken shadow from his dead son.

But a shadow was better than nothing at all.

'Kousei?'

He wasn't able to recognize where he was when Satomi's interrupted his thoughts. He looked at her tired face then sighed and took off his glasses.

'I have to return to Tokyo in the morning.' He was collected in his words, working too hard not to reveal his weakness even to his wife.

'We have to talk. We need to,' she whispered urgently.

'I am busy now. We can tal-'

She surprised him by shouting angrily, tears escaped finally, 'It can't wait. I can't wait! What you are doing is wrong. It is wrong!'

Upon looking at his shocked face, she shook her head and broke down suddenly. 'You have to stop. This is enough, Kousei. Please.' Her voice was muffled by the tears but she made sure to make it as clear as she could. When she found him in the home office, she couldn't stop herself from rushing inside breathlessly.

'I know.' He rested his head on his laced fingers and avoided her eyes.

'Then why are you doing it?' she was shouting, contradicting her calm nature.

'Because I have to. I have to protect my son, Satomi.'

'You son? Kouichi is your son too. What do you want to protect Kouji from?'

'I am talking about Kouichi! I have to protect him.' One of his hands hit the desk angrily. He felt pained to hear her reminding him that Kouichi is his son.

'W-What do you mean? Protect him from whom?' Confusion invaded her as she collapsed on the chair tiredly.

He sighed. 'They might take him again, Satomi. Kouichi doesn't have any legal existence here.'

'What? But you have adopted him!'

'I bought him.'

Her eyes widened at the bitter words he uttered slowly. He continued, begging her silently not to interrupt his explanation. He had never expected himself to be in this position. He wasn't going to tell her but he had to. If he wanted her to believe in him…if he wanted her to help him, he had to be honest no matter what the consequences might be.

'The orphanage allows parents to adopt kids for three months and then they have to return them. Kouichi is the first kid whom they allowed to be completely taken by someone. However they refused to sign legal papers for permanent adoption and instead they kept things informal in order not to cause them legal problems. Adopters usually pay a good deal of money for three months so losing a boy to someone forever is a loss to them. How much do you think I paid to bring Kouichi with me?'

He didn't wait her answer. 'I paid three million yen. And I don't mind paying the double if I have.'

'Impossible.'

'They traded him with money and yet they refused to give him up legally, promising me that they won't try to take him again. And that I have their word as a promise.'

'You mean you paid without even making sure that they won't come back?' The thought was horrifying in her mind. His nod caused a shiver to invade her body.

'The only legal paper I have is the temporary adoption for three months. They said it is not that important and that they weren't going to use it against me but I could never trust them. I have to make Kouichi's existence here legal before the end of these months or else they would take him. They aren't going to give him up this easily.'

He gritted his teeth and raised his voice. 'Those bastards have been treating my son as a toy for years and I couldn't do anything about. There is no way in hell I would let them touch him again.'

'But he had his birth certificate. Why did you burn it?'

He replied, eyes full of regret and remorse. 'Because I registered him dead years ago so a birth certificate now is useless. It could be used against me.'

It was too much for her to bear. So many lies. So many half-truths. He looked at her sympathetically then sighed. 'I am sorry. You didn't have to go through all this. I will take him to the hospital after tomorrow. They would take care of him.'

'Why are you so eager to send him to the hospital?' She couldn't help but ask. If he truly loved his son then why would he force him to go through all this mess.

'He needs to. He suffered so much before coming here. You are the one who suggested a therapist. A hospital would take care of him. Besides, the hospital is an important part in my plan.'

'Plan?' She asked bitterly.

'The hospital will surely send him to an orphanage as there is no proof of him living in one. A proper one.' He smiled sadly. 'Then I can adopt him legally. He would live normally with us.

She couldn't believe it. 'This is insane. It won't work! What about the police? What if Kouichi told them?'

'It has to work.' He closed his eyes. 'Kouichi wouldn't say a word. I am sure of that.'

'Then why didn't you do that from the very beginning. Why did you put him in so much pain?'

'I had believed the orphanage. When I took Kouichi, I only wanted him to adapt to his new life. I tried to get him closer to Kouji and everything was perfect. It was Takasu–san who warned me of their real intentions. He really wanted to adopt Kouichi and I am sure he and his wife liked him so they wanted to help me in giving him a normal life. He investigated the case when I was in Tokyo few days ago and we found out that there was no time. We didn't have any alternative. a week was left from the three months.'

Satomi took a deep breath and managed to get herself to actually listen to his justification. It was her chance to understand the mess around her. Before she knew, another question was formed on the tips of her tongue. 'And the drugs?'

'He needed them not to collapse. I didn't use them to get him addicted. Till he is offered a medical help, they would work.'

'But he was getting better and Kouji was…'

'Kouji loves him. I know how much Kouichi means to his twin even if Kouji denied it or forgot it. Kouji had always cared and I knew that it was a matter of time before he fall in the protective brother mood.' He smiled at that then paused and lowered his voice painfully. 'I don't want them to get close till I make sure that they will stay together.'

He had to separate them then. If Kouji got closer to his twin, he wouldn't allow Kousei to take his brother away. And without Kouji there, Kouichi would collapse. The painkillers were the only way to prevent him from breaking down. He wanted to take Kouichi to the hospital whether it was because of the drug overuse or not but it seemed like a believable excuse to Kouji then despite how sadistic or inhumane it seemed . Even if Kouji hated him…even if no one understood him, he would go on. He had to.

The solution he yearned for was unrealistic and built on total gambling but he was desperate and a desperate father would do anything to save what is precious to him. He reassured himself that he has no other alternative…that it was the only way to make his life normal; to make their life normal. His sons would understand one day. He didn't Want them to understand now. Children should not be involved in adults' game. His fingertips ran through his hair desperately. It would be all right. It should be all right. He would make sure to choose a good hospital and a good orphanage as fast as he could. Kouichi would be fine there. And in few days, he will bring him home again. Then he would be able to involve him fully in their life. His son would be Minamoto Kouichi once again. Who knows maybe he could even send him to Kouji's school.

Selfish. Stupid. Self-centered. It didn't matter how he described himself just how it didn't matter how absorbed his "solution" seemed to him.

A gentle hand brushed over his clenched fist on the wooden desk. He raised his head and gazed at Satomi's eyes.

'Kousei…' she called him softly.

His eyes met with her and she forced a smile. A true smile.

'I want to believe in you. I need to. ' She reminded herself and him at the same time. It would take them nowhere not to trust him. She couldn't force herself to agree with him but she could always support him. As long as that support would help her small family to stay together. That small family included Kouichi as well.

And he understood her and felt ashamed of himself. She was the one who enlightened his life and she deserved to know earlier.

Kousei returned his wife's smile with a greatful "Thank You."

Because they were parents no matter how much they erred. No matter how far they would go to correct a mistake, they would put things in their place again for their kids' sake. And it doesn't matter if their kids weren't able to recognize how great or bad they were. They were simply parents.

To Be Continued~


Author Note

Geeeez, it is done. And guess what? I am not happy with it. It seemed like exams had sucked all the inspiration I have. I could hardly pull the strings together in this chapter and the dialogue was a real pain.

Again, the technical information regarding Kousei's idea is completely fictional so please don't mind them. What Kousei is doing is wrong but as mentioned he was desperate and desperation would lead to fatal decisions. There is a possibility that everything would break down for him but he is not ready to see that. I am sorry for the less than great chapter but I needed to write it to move on. Gomen nasai!

So with this chapter, the parents stage is closed. We will return to the twins in the coming chapter with a nice cliffhanger there …=^.^=…