Author Note

Hello everyone. Sorry for being so late :(

Just a quick note; this chapter is rated M for reasons you'll realize after reading it. The coming two chapters or so are the same. No worries from imagery though. Sadly I am not that good at painting tragic or bloody scenes. The first and last scene are a bit messy but considering the emotional condition of the characters, it is natural.

Thanks for everyone who is reading this story. Enjoy ^_^


Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni

Chapter Eleven

Last Regrets

It was much easier to let things fall apart than hold them together. That could be explained as running away but at the moment he didn't want anything other than running. Letting go of everything would make him heal or at least get lost in the endless sea of tears. When humans come to this world they cry because they entered a world full of idiots. He wondered whether he was going to cry once he leave the stage. No need to know though.

There wouldn't be any time to search for tears then. He no longer knew wheather he wanted to feel or not. Voices continued to whisper in his ears asking him to wake up. Familiar and comforting. Yet he refused to listen. He wanted to get closer to the soft voices. They begged him to stay away.

But he wouldn't. Couldn't.

He would join them…He needed their warm embrace even if that meant abandoning the whole world. Ironically, the world rejected him so it made sense to turn his back to it and give up everything.

He was drowning slowly and numbly. It felt so good not to feel anything at all. He wouldn't bother them anymore.

"Never give up, Kou-chan!" The pleading whisper was enough to tempt him to laugh. He couldn't though. A voice in his head answered the trembling plead. "It's too late…I tried…I'm sorry."

His head hurts and he finally ignored the overcoming pain. It wouldn't take long before all that mortal pain vanish.

Closing his eyes, the bloody water announced the play's end. The curtains fell down.


'KAA-SAN? KOUICHI?' The scream tore his throat as he called what remained from the fragile images of his dream. His hand was stretched towards the ceiling as if trying to touch something. That was illogical. Even in the dream, they were far from him. He didn't deserve to be closer to them. He opened his eyes slowly with difficulty, surprised by the tears that clung to his eyelashes.

'A dream?'

It should have been a dream. Life wasn't that nice to offer him a chance to see his mother and talk to her. Yeah, they talked about something important. What was it again?

He couldn't remember. That was good…

He buried his head in the stifling pillow. It didn't matter what they talked about anyway no matter how important it was.

He wondered why he had that strange dream in the first place. Was it guilt that drove his dreams to go insane or maybe because he had never overslept even if it was a holiday. Last night was so weird. The disconnected dreams were shattered and mixed. Yet all of them had something that unify them. Kouichi was in every single one of them. His twin was lying limply in his mother's lap. She was busy stroking his wet hair. Thinking about it, Kouichi's clothes looked so wet that they plastered against his skin sickly. Was his fever that high in the dream to be covered in sweat? Why should he suffer even in his own dream? That wasn't fair…

Kouji shook his head violently. The dreams meant nothing to him. They didn't make enough sense to give him the chance to interpret them. They were futile just like how everything else was.

It was a light punishment for being a heartless monster with Kouichi the previous day. Very simple punishment because he couldn't really remember Kouichi's face nor his mother's. Whether they were angry at him or disappointed wasn't clear. And that made him feel better. Funnily, he must have cried during those dreams yet he kept considering them nice enough not to be looked at as nightmares.

He wished he could continue sleeping but the sudden persisting door ringing was stronger than his desire to stumble under the thick blanket. Getting rid of the blanket, he left his futon and walked towards the door. Luckily he didn't stumble in his way to the room's door. He couldn't get used to sleeping in the guests room even after spending the previous few days there.

'I am coming.'

Satomi wasn't home otherwise she would have saved him the trouble from opening the door himself. His mind wasn't in the right place when he headed towards the front door or else he would have noticed how strange he looked. No one open the front door of their house in their sleeping clothes after all.


'Hey!'

Kouji stared blankly at Takuya's cheerful face. The brunet grinned widely and pushed his way inside.

'It is so cold out there. Close the door!' Takuya rubbed his temples and trembled as the cold air kept invading the room.

Kouji shook his head and sighed before closing the door and following his guest. He was feeling cold himself but Takuya's appearance caused him to delay thinking about the outer cold to think more about the internal hell that boiled inside him.

What on earth was Takuya doing here after everything happened between them? He thought it was all over. But no this was Takuya. The guy who never gave up poking his nose in others' business. Kouji fought giving a small smile at the thought. Takuya wasn't the type to let go of his friends because they had a fight. Seriously, they were together for years and Takuya was so used to his lone-wolf mode. Anyway, he didn't allow himself to seem further surprised at the shocking appearance of his friend in front of his door. Standing like a status after opening the door was embarrassing enough.

'So how are ya doing? Takuya started, glad that the heat system was working efficiently.

Kouji answered coldly, 'Fine I guess.'

They sat in silence for a while before Takuya took a deep breath. He locked eyes with Kouji for less than a second, gave a thoughtful sigh and jumped from his place. Before causing Kouji a heart attack from the sudden change of place, he bowed so low. That startled Kouji even more.

'Gomen nasai!' Takuya breathed out. His heart running a mile per second. The scene was so strange to anyone who knew him. The Takuya whom everyone knew wouldn't apologize even if he was wrong. He was as stubborn as him after all.

'W-what?' Kouji stuttered, eyes so wide.

Takuya straightened up slowly and replied in a shameful tone, 'I'm sorry. I shouldn't have blamed you even if you were mistaken.'

Kouji just blinked.

He explained thoughtfully. 'A friend shouldn't only mention his friend's mistake. I don't have the right to blame you for something I can't do anything about. I'm equally mistaken.'

Kouji looked away. 'You shouldn't do anything about it. He's not your brother. Why do you feel guilty anyway?' The question that made him boil with anger and envy during their last talk followed their current conversation.

'Because I told him that we can be friends. And I was sure that we'd be friends if he took his time to decide. I'm supposed to be his friend. I should help him…' he looked at the floor. Sadness seemed so strange when it covered his face. He bit his lip harshly and whispered, 'I am your friend too. I shouldn't blame you and watch your world shatter in front of my eyes. What kind of friend give up on his best friend and ignore his new friend's pain?'

'You really want to be his friend. It wasn't out of pity?' Kouji asked painfully. Strangely, he felt glad. There was someone out there who thought about his brother without pitying him. Someone whom he could trust with his life. It was weird but comforting. He felt as if he could really make everything all right. Takuya was as stubborn as hell when he wanted something so maybe they could find a solution. Maybe he could think of Kouichi as a brother just how he had tried to for weeks.

But No. Nothing hurt more than a false hope and he didn't need it. It was a lost case. Didn't he blame Kouichi for hoping in the first place?

'Kouji, are you okay?

'Yeah.'

'Are you sure?' Takuya sounded worried and he didn't hate that. It was nice.

'I just need time to move on.' Yeah. That was what he needed. It would be easier to forget than to keep blaming himself. Who knew? Maybe his father had already taken Kouichi during the night. The thought made him shiver but he suppressed it.

'Do you really want to move on?' Takuya asked seriously. Warm eyes were trying so hard to make an eye contact with Kouji's frozen ones. It had never been good to face a serious Takuya. Somehow that told Kouji how idiot he was that he needed a serious Takuya to knock some sense into him.

'What do you mean?'

'Kouji, you don't want your life to go back to its routine. I mean the routine before Kouichi entered your life so stop pretending that everything will be fine without him because that would never happen.'

'I'm good at adapting, Takuya. I'm not going to stay frozen in the same place for nothing. I'm the one who control my life not some weird boy.'

'Who you are calling weird is your twin. The twin who suffered so much from all those around him. The twin who needed you the most!' Takuya cried at the last part and pressed on. ' You can't just lie to yourself. You know how much you care about him.'

Kouji winced. It hurt to hear the truth from someone else. It had kept torturing him whenever he allow himself to think about Kouichi.

He replied as coldly as possible in a finality tone, 'I admit that I cared about him but it was useless. I'd better stop before hurting myself.'

Takuya didn't reply. He just looked at the ceiling as if wondering where to go next. He declared out of the blue. 'By the way, your dog doesn't seem all right outside. No one seems to give him enough attention.'

'I thought Satomi feeds him.'

'Why don't you go outside to make sure he is okay. I bet he missed you. It'd been a while since you walked him outside, right?'

Kouji just nodded. The change in topic was welcomed but a faint feeling told him that Takuya aimed at something else.

'By the way do you sleep with your hair tied? It's so messy.'

Just then Kouji realized that he truly looked so messed up. He had never allowed anyone to see him when his hair was messy. Takuya chuckled at the face he made but he hmphed and ignored it.

'I'll see Tsukiyoru. Don't do anything stupid!'

'Hai~' Takuya smiled innocently.


It took him less than two minutes to return to the living room. Tsukyioru needed a walk for sure. Kouji wondered when he would be able to take him outside. When he came back Takuya was no where to be seen in the living room

'Takuya?' he called worriedly. A sickening feeling screeched inside him.

The only place he expected his friend there was his currently abandoned room. And he was right. When Kouji arrived, Takuya looked at him with the coldest glare Kouji had ever seen.

'Where is he?' Takuya hissed angrily. 'He didn't go, did he?'

Kouji's heart sank even further. He avoided Takuya's flamed glare and gazed at the empty beds. Kouichi's blanket was thrown on the floor. Their mother's photo wasn't there. He breathed heavily. It couldn't be. His father couldn't have taken him. Not yet.

His heart ached and sweat covered his forehead. He must have looked so pale because Takuya stopped glaring at him. In the freezing silence that chilled the room, they could faintly hear the running water in the bathroom. Takuya was the first to notice it.

'Maybe he is taking a shower.' He pointed out, ignoring how illogical it was. Kouichi wasn't healthy enough to be trusted with taking a shower on his own. Yet he ignored his logic and preferred to feel slightly relieved. It meant that there was a chance. He wanted to talk to Kouichi no matter what. Surely, Kouji had said stupid things to him and it was his responsibility to take care of the mess his best friend had made. They could all be friends, right?

What scared him was Kouji's paler expressions. He looked as if he had been struggling to breath. Had he been so harsh with him? Or was Kouji that worried? Maybe that was a good sign. Kouji must have cared so much over his twin to look that scared yet…

'Kouji?'

'Something is wrong!' Kouji fought so hard not to fall. The moment he allowed his emotions to leak, he felt so exposed. His heart was trembeling with unknown fear but a familiar one. He had felt it before when he had been at Takuya's house that day. The small reasoning part of him was struggling to calm him down. His father couldn't have taken Kouichi without him noticing and there was no way he would leave without even caring to put everything in its place at least. Some of Kouichi's clothes were in the laundry basket in the corner. And the running water. He couldn't have left without noticing that he left it open.

'No…' the illogical side inside him screamed in horror at the passing image of that dream. And before realizing it, he pushed the bathroom door open.

Kouji was going to faint. He could tell it. The sickening scent in the foggy air was enough to strangle him to death. The hot steam in the bathroom drove him insane but what made him lose his senses completely was the disgusting rosy water that touched his bare feet. A shiver ran down his spin like a lightening struck. Everything seemed like a scene from a drama. The deadly steam, the bloodied water, the shattered glass beside the bathtub said everything. The dangling bleeding wrist on the bathtub's side...

'K-Kouichi!'

His voice was dead in his throat so it was Takuya who had the courage to force his voice to appear. His friend ran to the bathtub and shouted at him hysterically to help him.

Help him to do what? He didn't even want to know. Takuya continued screaming words that were so foreign to him. Meaningless words. He stared at the brown-haired boy as he left his brother's still form from the hot bathtub water. Kouichi's body wasn't heavy but Takuya was trembling so hard that he couldn't clutch him tighter. Kouji kept staring at them blankly as if they were wandering figures from a psychotic nightmare. It looked awkward to witness without even blinking. His body's functions weren't responding to anything except shivering terrifyingly. His mind refused to give any orders...refused to get the play that was realistically performed in front of him.

'Move you idiot!' Another scream and he felt Takuya's wet hands pulling him towards the asleep form on the floor. Takuya said something else about an ambulance and a phone before running outside the bathroom. It didn't really matter.

Kouichi was lying in front of him. Helpless. Lifeless. Hopeless… And he himself was more dead than alive to understand what was going around him. His arms moved on their own as they clutched the silent figure to their embrace. Kouichi's clothes were so damp and wet that caused him to shiver even more but he didn't care about how wet his clothes were becoming. The other's pale skin was much colder than his own frozen skin…much paler.

'…Ichi…' The call was eaten alive by his horror.

'Why can't you simply…die?'

He had asked him to die, right? He should be happy, right? Kouichi had enough. It was only natural that he would try to leave them forever. Didn't he tell him that himself? Kouichi had repeatedly asked him to stop humilating him but he had continued blaming him for remaining alive- for being a passive doll.

And it was because of him. He had killed his brother. His eyes wandered to the wet clothes that hugged the other in their fragile embrace. Just like in the dream. Kouichi was sleeping in his lap. In the dream, their mother…no he didn't deserve her. She was Kouichi's mother. She was stroking his hair gently then but he was afraid to touch him. Afraid to hurt him even more.

A pool of blood continued forming slowly around them and the scent was enough to tempt him to throw up but he didn't have the energy to. Kouichi's wrist was now wrapped in a tight white towel that turned into ugly red. Absentmindedly, he gripped the nearby towel and replaced the previous one with it. The brief moment in which the wound was naked to him, he felt like dying. The scratches were thin and deep. So carefully cutting the sensitive skin. It was cut with glass and he knew which glass was it. The towel he used was under his mother's broken portrait. The picture was safe but the covered glass was shattered into pieces. How cruel it was to use his mother's portrait to put an end to everything. No, it wasn't awkward. His mother would be happy to take him in her arms in the other world...unlike everyone else.

He left the limb body in kindness he was surprised to find inside his stony heart. Embracing him tightly was the only thing he could do. Hot, idle tears accompanied his hysterical broken laughter. 'It is...over now, right Kouichi?'

'H-happy?'

'You must be…'

He laughed again madly and clutched the body closer. Tears washed the other's face. 'It's unfair.'

'You can't just go… You can't leave…you can't just die. DAMN IT!' The facade disappeared and he was naked. A child who is witnessing death with unbearable guilt. Logic didn't have a place. Not there when he couldn't even remember why he had been so numb before.

Kouichi's didn't even blink. His face was so peaceful…so emotionless and it didn't feel right at all. Kouji expected to see a small soft smile but there wasn't any. He couldn't leave without even saying goodbye…

'Don't take him 'Kaa-san!' He cried out in the agony of a little child. An image of a small happy family shattered in front of him. His mother was holding Kouichi's hand and walking away from him without even looking back. He had screamed after them to wait for him…just like how his younger self had done many years ago. In defeat, he protested weakly. 'You two…c-can't l…leave m-me a-again!'

'Damn it all!' He gazed wildly around him as if waiting his mother's spirit to appear, to mock him, to shout at him...to take the only thing she left for him with her. 'Don't take him…I beg you. I-I...n-need him. S-so early. Please.' The words no longer made sense.

His mind stopped reasoning and thinking all together. He rested his head on the boy's wet hair and whispered to himself. 'You're right 'kaa-san. I-I don't…d-deserve him…'

He didn't feel cold anymore. Hugging Kouichi made him warm despite how cold the other's body was.

'I-I'm s-s-sorry…' He sobbed in a heartbreaking voice. His heart was melting and he couldn't keep his eyes open anymore. Kouichi's faint breathing heated his skin, warming him. It felt so horribly comfortable to just lean there with Kouichi between his arms.

The world shut its door in front of him and he wished for nothing more than not waking up again.

To Be Continued~!