Author Note
*Hides behind the wall* It's been six years. Wow. I thought I'd never come back and believe me this has nothing to do with writer's block. Life was hectic. It still it. Not sure how long would I go with this baby before responsibilities get to me again. Anyway enjoy everyone and sorry if you found the writing a bit off. English isn't my mother tongue and I hadn't written anything longer than a page in it for six years.
Disclaimer: I still don't own Digimon or the twins *sigh*
Kowarete Ita Nani No Tame Ni
Chapter Fourteen
Stumbling in the Darkness
He was sinking in disgustingly comforting boiling water. The water was burning just like his body but his mind didn't care. In fact, the feeling of heat was soothing in a sick sense. Just like how the steaming bloody water was. Integrated Voices started breaking the spell wrapped around his mind. He had been pleasantly absent to the world and now the voices were dragging him back despite his futile protests. He felt hot and caged in a feverish grip. The disobedient eyelashes parted ever so slightly, mocking his attempts to remain asleep. The surrounding light was driving him insane and the sea of colors around him were blinding. He closed his eyes immediately out of pain yet the voices continued knocking on his consciousness.
'He'll wake up soon. His fever went down partially,' an unrecognizable female voice reached him. He tried to block it but couldn't.
'I see.'
This voice was rather recognizable yet the worried tone was so unfamiliar as if its owner was discovering this new type of emotions. He couldn't put a finger on whose voice was though
'I'm glad you noticed the rising in temperature,' she said gently then added after a short pause with a soft chuckle. ' I was against allowing you to stay here you know but it turned out to be a good thing.'
The reply came in a form of a stutter. An embarrassed one from the same familiar voice. 'I suppose.' The tone looked quite strange to his ears.
'I'll be back soon. I need to inform the doctors,' she added in a hurry and the sound of the door's soft slam announced her departure.
He tried to open his eyes again. Everything was swimming and spinning as if he was watching a mirage. A mass of soft blue color approached him. This time he was more successful and his eyes were open yet nothing was making a sense. A boy dressed in soft blue pajamas was staring at him worriedly. He blinked and returned the stare absentmindedly.
'Kouichi,' the boy whispered gently as if raising his voice would make the whole scene shutter.
His name. He recognized that however he couldn't stop staring passively.
'Kouichi,' he approached again, in a softer attitude. This time moving his palm to touch the other's forehead so slightly…hesitantly. The cold touch against his feverish skin was comforting and he couldn't help leaning to it unconsciously.
'You'll be fine,' the boy muttered, trying to convince himself more than convincing him.
The words angered him. Fine. But the last thing he wanted was to be fine. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to leave.
'Mama!' that was his voice. Trembling and weak and caught in a fever yet so tense. He remembered. She was waiting for him. She wanted him to follow her then why was he still chained here when he should have been with her?
'She's waiting,' he whispered hoarsely in a barely audible voice.
'No!' the other replied a bit harshly making him wince and then in a softer tone. 'She wants you to remain here. You can't follow Mother now. We made a deal, remember?'
He blinked again. A deal? And then everything came like a flash of lightening. The bloody bathwater. The hospital. The fear. The promise.
He rose up suddenly startling his companion. The wet piece of cloth fell in his lap dampening the bed sheets a little
'K-Kouji?'He asked, his breathing was heavy and fast.
Kouji smiled kindly. An expression that he rarely use. It was so unlike the stony scowl he always used. An expression that he sometimes forgot that it even existed. 'Yeah.'
Kouichi rested against the headboard with a bit of help.
'How do you feel?' Kouji asked in concern no longer trying to mask it. It was useless after all. His mask was what led them to this stage after all.
Kouichi gazed at the ceiling and Kouji wondered if he would ever give him an answer. Elastic silence stretched like a sharp blade cutting their one-sided conversation mercilessly.
Sighing, Kouji pulled the chair closer to the bed and sat silently. He was exhausted. If they remained silent for longer he might fall asleep in his place. Luckily the other didn't give him that chance.
'Why are you here?' He asked slowly, not sure of how his voice sounded. Still avoiding maintaining any meaningful eye contact
Kouji played with his ponytail nervously. 'I'm trying to keep my promise this time.'
'That's not what I meant,' Kouichi replied, struggling to keep his voice clear. ' You don't have to go this far. No need for forsing yourself into this mess.'
'I'm not forcing myself into anything,' Kouji answered bluntly.
Morning sun rays entered the room peacefully through the half closed curtains. He had gone to sleep after midnight which meant Kouji had slept the night in the hospital. The nurses comments earlier proved his thought.
Kouichi whispered. 'Visiting hours are over. You shouldn't be here till now. 'Kouichi talked more to himself than the other, his eyes darkened a bit .
They were going nowhere but to Kouji that was way better than the stifling silence.
'You should rest. You still have a fever.'
It was true. Kouichi's head was spinning and he could hardly keep his eyes open. His body was annoyingly warm, giving him the urge to throw the light bed sheets away.
'Dad and Satomi will be here in two hours.' Kouji added hesitantly debating whether he should mention them or not.
The clock on the wall was pointing to 8:30 in the morning. Visiting hours wouldn't start till mid-day. It meants they were allowed to come anytime.
'Why?'
Kouji frowned. 'They are extremely worried.'
Kouichi smiled sadly. 'Guilt is a such nasty feeling. It makes you do things you've never dreamt of doing before.'
Kouji rose from his chair abruptly and said hotly. 'It's not guilt. We do care. They were devastated.'
He hadn't been awake when his parents arrived to the hospital after the accident. Takuya was there though and he couldn't get the image that the brunette had described to him out of his head. According to Takuya, he had never seen Kouji's dad like that before. The shocked man was so paper pale. Satomi collapsed in tears against the mans's chest while he was too stunned to even comfort her, his face as pale as a paper and his body was trembling so hard that Takuya feared the man would have a stroke.
The real reason beyond Takuya's leaving was the devastated scene in front of him. He couldn't take it and he told Kouji that almost three hours ago when he called his cell phone to see how they were doing. Takuya was never an early riser which made Kouji wonder if his best friend had got any sleep at all.
Another dull smile.' It doesn't matter even if you don't. It no longer matters. I can't go anywhere. I'm trapped in this nightmare till you decide the end I deserve.'
'Kouichi, please…' the other pleaded. A hand stretched to touch Kouichi's hand. Kouichi didn't pull it much to his brother's shock. He didn't fight the touch nor did he flinch or react. He did nothing.
'I have nothing to fight for,' he breathed out, his eyes closed while is shoulders hunched under the heavy burden he carried.
Kouji uttered. 'Kouichi, listen..we'll-.'
Kouichi raised had hand slightly, silencing him and breathed in fatigue. 'Don't…'
He opened his eyes relieving a doll-like look. 'You can do whatever you want, Kouji. Stay as much as you like. Treat me as you please, I won't push you away. I'm giving you the chance you asked for. Just please, don't…don't ask for more. I can't afford more than that.'
I can't afford to trust you again!
The unsaid words hovered in the air as kouji understood. No need for them to be uttered. He clenched his hands into fists and looked at his lap. He couldn't blame him. He should be grateful. After all, He was given the chance that he yearned for. What was he expecting anyway? Did he expect a fairy tale end? Was he waiting for Kouichi to forgive him and act as if nothing happened? That was silly. He had cracked him so badly that the Kouichi he barely knew was hardly managing to remain sane.
He gave his best smile, trying so hard to keep it stable…or believable
'Come on, you should lye down. We'll talk later after you rest,' Kouji said a bit too cheerfully. He grimaced at the thought of acting like Takuya. He wondered how would the goggle-heard react in such a situation.
Surprisingly, Kouichi nodded and made a move to lie down on his own. His head was spinning so he ended up wavering and almost falling to his left. Expecting the result, Kouji caught him gently and helped him settle.
A mumble of thank you made him smile even if the words were flat.
It was better than nothing.
Takuya tapped his feet impatiently in the hospital's waiting room. Kouji insisted stubbornly to take him himself to his brother's room so he was forced to wait and he hated waiting especially if he had to sit helplessly looking at the busy, depressing atmosphere in the waiting hall. He was in a hospital for crying out loud.
'Hey!' Kouji greeted from behind him.
Finally. He thought in exasperation. He shifted his gaze from the floor to Kouji's face, smiling. The smile fell immediately. The boy who greeted him was a poor imitation of his best friend to the point of almost having to take a double look at him
Dark, thick bags were under Kouji eyes. He looked exhausted and shallow. His face paler than normal. The way he lifted his hand to greet Takuya was shaken as if he was going to collapse any minute.
'You look like hell!' he said bluntly.
The boy shrugged but didn't reply.
'Are you alright?'
'Of course,' he growled under his breath tiredly, daring him to ask again.
He insisted to visit despite Kouji's claims that it would be better if he didn't. How could he not visit Kouichi after everything? He tried to come the next day after the incident but according to Kouji, his twin developed a fever overnight and was in no condition to be visited. Kouji and his family were apparently an exception since Kouji was practically living in the hospital. It was beyond him how the lone-wolf managed to convince his parents let alone the hospital staff to stay in Kouichi's room. Takuya had to wait impatiently for two days to get permission for a visit.
Kouji put his hands into his jeans pockets and walked towards the elevator, pressing on the buttons. Taking that as a sign to follow, Takuya trailed behind him hurriedly.
'Were you getting any sleep, buddy?'
'Sure.'
It was a lie and both knew that.
Takuya sighed. 'Are you even eating?'
Kouji hissed in annoyance.' I'm fine, Takuya and yes I'm sleeping and eating so quite it. I'm not the one who needs attention.'
Okay, Kouji was pissed. Getting the hint, Takuya changed the subject somehow.
'How is he?'
'Fine, I guess.'
Takuya raised an eyebrow.' You two talk, right?'
Kouji shrugged helplessly. 'Not really..'
Takuya put a hand on his friend's shoulder and asked in concern. 'What is that supposed to mean?'
Kouji who was giving him his back turned and faced him fully and muttered darkly. 'I don't know. He's giving up on me, Takuya. I can't blame him, though. He has been through too much.'
'Kouji…'
Kouji's fingers went through his now messy black hair. He couldn't remember when was the last time he combed his hair properly.
Kouji's eyes were trembling with hot tears that refused to fall. His body was tense and his voice rose ever so slightly. 'He barely talks. He acts as if he's forced to live. He didn't touch the books or the sketch that Satomi brought him. When not sleeping, he's either gazing at nothing or burying himself under the blankets. A pause. 'And it's killing me!'
The last part came so soft that Takuya had to strain his ears to hear.
'Kouji…'
Kouji cursed himself for exposing his emotions. He inhaled deeply to put his emotions under control and fished for something to change the direction of their conversation. He didn't want more fussing. He could hardly deal with his parent's worry. No need to bother Takuya as well.
He said almost apologetically. 'I don't think it's a good idea to visit him, Takuya.'
Takuya's blinked, his jaw dropped a little. 'What? Why?'
The elevator stopped and Kouji stepped out of it, leaving a baffled Takuya behind him. For a precious moment Takuya almost forgot the opened door. Realizing it when it started to shut, he stretched his hand to stop the doors from closing and jumped recklessly.
Kouji scowled. 'Idiot.'
Takuya sighed, hand on his chest to slow the fast heart beats. 'That was close…'
Moving to the issue in his hand, Takuya asked. 'What did you mean by that?'
Kouji titled his head to his friend. 'He's not exactly thrilled about you rescuing him so brace yourself!'
He walked towards the nearby door, knocking softly and added as an afterthought, in a sharp warning. 'And don't lose control.'
What the hell? Brace himself for what? They were talking about the sweet and kind Kouichi. How bad could he be anyway? This was not Kouji!
Takuya wasn't sure on what he was supposed to reply and luckily Kouji saved him the trouble, mumbling softly and opening the door. 'We arrived.'
The room was strikingly white, unnerving him. Why should it be white anyway? White is the closest colour to death. Shouldn't they choose a different colour. Something that is soothing or lively. This whitness was far from relaxing or comforting.
His eyes wandered slowly, looking for their target only to widen at the scene in front of him. The patient was completely different from the boy he met few times in Kouji's house and he had to wonder if they exchanged places. Kouji's mask was slowly shattering while the other maintained a perfect façade of passiveness and it made him anxious that he nearly regretted the idea of coming at all. Nearly but not quite.
He forced a bright, overly energetic smile in contrast to the gloomy atmosphere around them.
'Hey!' he greeted a bit louder than supposed.
Other than the glance Kouichi gave him, he got nothing. He exchanged a look with Kouji who shrugged in 'I told you' gesture.
'Fine,' he uttered almost to himself and marched to the other's bed, facing him in determination.
'And there I thought Kouji was annoyingly silent. Turned out his brother is worse than him.'
Silence then a sigh and a soft mumble. 'Don't say that here.'.
Takuya blinked in confusion. 'Don't say what?' making a short inwardly victory sign. At least he got a reaction.
This time Kouichi looked into his eyes and for a second Takuya regretted raising his expectations and swallowed in worry. The look was dark, soulless and emotionless and it frightened him.
'We aren't brothers. Not here.'
'What the hell?
'I'm just a homeless kid they found two weeks ago. Some unknown bastard who was living in the streets without a name without a past. I'm nothing. Just an empty pathetic shell that they were too sweet so they kept for the time being. A broken doll they felt sorry for. You can ask your friend there.'
He said that so quietly without conveying any hint of sadness. The voice was tired and hoarse from the lack of use apparently. However, Takuya sensed the start of something snapping in Kouichi.
Takuya glanced at his friend who was biting his lower lip harshly and making a glaring contest with his feet. Kouji wasn't shocked. He had heard those words before for sure. Kouichi wasn't making that up. There was something that Kouji didn't share with him.
Takuya opened his mouth to say anything. Anything at all. His mind went blank for a precious minute that for the first time in his life he enjoyed the silence hovering over them
'How does it feel to be a hero?' Kouichi asked, breaking the silence.
'What do you mean?'Takuya avoided his eyes.
'You are smarter than that, Kanabara-kun…you know what I mean,' Kouichi spoke bitterly. 'You are the hero who saved me after all.' There was despise in the tone.
'Kouichi.' Kouji decided to interfere, sensing how troubled Takuya became.
'This has nothing to do with you, Kouji!' Kouichi replied, raising his voice a bit louder than his go with flow tone and concentrating more on the brunette who suddenly found the floor more interesting than their conversation.
'It was you who brought him to that room. He wouldn't set a foot there.' Kouichi spat, directing his newly formed anger towards Takuya.
Takuya took a deep breath and decided to stop ignoring the topic. He said bluntly. 'I would never regret it. You can't just kill yourself to get away from your problems. This is insane. '
'Insane? You know what is insane?'Kouichi's hand came to rest upon his wrist, gripping it too tightly for comfort before resuming. 'It was the first time in my whole life to take a decision on my own.' He narrowed his eyes. 'And even that you took away from me!. And you know is even more insane? I can't do that again. It took a lot of strength to take that step. I feel so drained. I can't do it again even if I wanted.'
Takuya wanted to say something but was interrupted harshly.
The boy shouted suddenly, something inisde him snapped. 'You are the reason he wanted me to stay alive for. If it weren't for you coming, he wouldn't have sensed anything. It would be over for everyone.'
Takuya shot back. ' That's not true…'
Kouji was listening to the conversation yet his mind was somewhere else. He could hear every word but they barely made sense to him.
Kouichi yelled in a tone that was so unlike him. 'Your existence there forced him to care. He would be ashamed to act indifferently when you were watching. If it were only him, he would have killed me himself. He was the one who asked me to die-
Everything happened so fast in the next few seconds. Kouichi was silenced by an angry slap. The slap's force threw him to hit the headboard harshly.
Before Kouji could react, his friend pulled Kouichi by his collar. 'Don't you dare say that again! I bet my life that he'd rather die a slow, painful death than seeing you like that ever again.'
Takuya was furious. He held the other's shirt forcing him to look into the flame in his eyes. Shocked blue eyes met burning brown ones.
'What the hell are you doing, Takuya?' Kouji gripped his friend's arms and tried pulling him away from his brother but Takuya wouldn't budge as if Kouji didn't exist.
'Kouji is the biggest idiot I've known but at least he admits it unlike you. It's you who forgot that you're brothers.'
Kouichi was staring blankly, unable to make a sound. The other tightened his grip, making him whimper in pain while Kouji kept struggling to pull him back.
'Stop it, idiot!'
Ignoring his friend's growl, he continued, biting his lip with a force that made it bleed. 'He held you to him as if you were his life line! The paramedics struggled to take you from his protective embrace even though he was unconscious,' he panted then his voice wavered. 'I-I thought…I thought he followed you there…'
Takuya's hot salty tears started falling and staining the red spot on Kouichi's face.
'Being twins and all…for a second I thought he died with you,' his grip loosened completely, releasing the other's weight who fell on the bed with a thump.
Kouji stopped holding him and stared in shock.
'I..I was scared…I thought I failed both of you…If I came earlier…If I wasn't an idiot and understood his pain…maybe we wouldn't be here…
Takuya raised his voice and glared at the shock-stricken Kouichi. He shouted, pointing to Kouji who blinked, unable to respond. 'Look at him!'
'I doubt he had eaten anything since that night. I wonder if he's even sleeping with all the nightmares that stalk him!'
'Takuya enough! You went too far!'
Takuya growled. 'No I won't stop! If you're too soft to knock some sense into him, I will just like how I knocked some sense into you before!'
Kouji was thankful that no one came to check on them. It would have been disastrous. Kouichi was slumping pathetically on his own bed, his bangs covering his eyes, face completely expressionless while the offended red mark was glowing on his pale skin. Takuya was trembling with rage. He was almost tempted to start shouting again but brushed it in a favor of an exasperated breath, trying to contain his anger.
'Damn it! This's frustrating!' Takuya shouted to no one in particular. 'I'm going home. You two are driving me nuts!'
He headed towards the door in angry steps and before Kouji could say anything or follow him he glared at him 'You stay here!'
Takuya slammed the door behind him angrily.
Kouji's fingers went though his hair in built up frustration, tempted to pull few hairs.' I thought I gave the hot-headed a warning.'
A sigh followed by a mutter to himself. 'Seriously, Takuya, And I thought I'm the one with anger issues!'
He looked at his brother who seemed too shocked to comprehend anything and moved towards him with a heavy heart.
Kouji offered his hand to the other who took it half-heartedly. 'You okay?'
A nod.
Kouji rubbed his eyebrow, banishing the headache that started itching. 'At least, it's not a punch!' he winced at the thought and touched his jaw involuntarily. 'Last time, his punch made me sour for days!'
Kouichi blinked, raised an eyebrow. 'He punched you before?'
Kouji grinned a bit. 'Well, we always fight but recently the fights turned physical more times than I can count. Most of them were because of you actually.'
'Me?' Kouichi asked, surprised.
Well that's a good change in the flow of their conversation. Kouji decided that this will take longer than he thought so he sat on the bed and looked at his brother with a sheepish smile. 'I've been a jerk. I thought it would be better if I ran away than face you. Takuya couldn't stand it so yeah he let his fists talk for him.'
He breathed deeply and avoided Kouichi's eyes, collecting all his courage to keep talking without stuttering. 'We weren't talking for days. That night, he came to apologize for letting me be an idiot. He said he should have helped me in dealing with this mess instead of lecturing me and…' he swallowed, recalling that night's event with a shudder that Kouichi noticed instantly. 'He went to your room without telling me…when I followed him there…'
Now his voice was slightly shaking. 'He was the one who took you out of the… the bathtub and then he…he called the ambulance…I remember holding you and then…nothing. I woke up here.' The last parts was barely heard and punctuated with heavy pauses.
It was Kouichi's turn to kook away at his bandaged wrist and the IV that was connected to his arm.
Kouji didn't want to remember..didn't want to talk about it. He had enough nightmares that repeat the events mercilessly whenever he close his eyes.
'Shouldn't you follow him?'
Koji, surprised by the question shrugged. 'Nah, he needs to cool down on his own. He's half angry at himself for losing control and half worried I'd turn him into a lump for losing his temper.'
Kouji heaved a sigh and looked at where his friend had been minutes ago. 'He hates it when he can't put his thoughts into words without using force. I shouldn't have brought him here but he kept nagging annoyingly.'
'It doesn't bother you? 'Kouichi asked, fiddling with the bed sheets nervously. 'What I said…I mean..'
Kouji smiled sadly. 'You have every right to be angry at me. It's perfectly fine as long as you don't push me away. After all, I deserve it.'
'But I…'
Kouji interrupted him, shaking his head gently. 'Well, it hurts to know that you think I'm so heartless..can't blame you though.'
Kouichi was shocked by Kouji's logical responses. Why should he go this far? Why should he try so desperately? It would have been enough if he visited for an hour or so but Kouji made it clear to everyone that hell or high water wouldn't make him leave Kouichi's room. Despite the indifference mask he wore, he couldn't help but feel amused. It was quite interesting to see Kouji acting so out of character in front of him.
He felt slightly guilty for driving Takuya to the edge. The brunette did nothing wrong. Takuya knew nothing about the pain and the struggling that led him to that breaking edge. He acted in a way that any sensible person would follow. Kouichi himself knew deep down that he would do the same given the circumstances. How many times had he wished that he was strong enough to rescue Aiko Onee-chan despite deeply knowing the hell she went through?
He sighed mentally and glanced out of the corner of his eyes at Kouji who was now lying silently on his chair and gazing at the ceiling.
He knew that Takuya was right. He, Kouichi, wanted to vanish to spare all of them the suffering. He didn't mean to be the reason behind their misery. His existence made Kouji and his family suffer so he wanted to put an end to his interference in their life. He didn't expect the aftermath of his actions though.
He didn't need Takuya to point out his brother's food disorder. The only time Kouichi had seen Kouji eat since he was admitted to the hospital two days ago was when Satmoi threatened to force-feed him. Kouichi grimaced at the memory. The minute Satomi left the room, Kouji ran to the bathroom and he could hear clearly the throwing up sound.
And the nightmares. He had been there whenever Kouji was trapped into one.
It wasn't difficult to notice the other's fierce trashing or his incoherent mumbling. Despite the darkness of his room, he could easily see the tears that struck the other's face in a nightmare accompanied with heavy breathing and fast heart beating. Kouji would try so hard to remain awake but would sleep or rather pass out eventually as a result of exhaustion. Kouichi made sure to act ignorant…to fake sleepiness when the other wake up with a gasp. It became harder since Kouji would stumble frantically towards his bed, wait a second to make sure that he was breathing then mutter in panic with tears falling freely on his brother's supposedly asleep face. 'You are here! You didn't go away.'
It became harder and harder to pretend sleeping when his brother's arms would envelope him so tightly…so softly in fear of waking him up.
His heart ached but he couldn't believe anymore. What if it was because of guilt? What if Kouji would turn away from him again? What if the world was cruel enough to separate them despite their attempts to stay together? Kouji was a kid just like him. He couldn't face the whole world. He could never protect him from everything. It wouldn't be fair to give himself or Kouji hope. It would shatter them both. And they wouldn't survive it this time.
To Be Continued...
