Author's Note:
Finally back ;P.
I wanted to say thank you for being patient with me, I've finally graduated and I have some free time now so updates should be more frequent now.
I hope you enjoy this chapter.
Emma's POV
After all the things me and Regina have been through throughout the years, and with how much she has helped me these past few months, I didn't expect her to hurt me the way she has. I didn't expect everything we had built together to crumble within a few hours because of one person, because of a man. I never thought with how close we've become, that I would need someone else to help me through my emotions who wasn't her. To distract me from this emotional hell I'm going through. I wouldn't have hesitated to go seek comfort from her if she wasn't the one causing me pain. For the first time in years she is the one I need to protect my heart from. She is the cause of my distress, she is causing me to hurt physically and emotionally in the worse way possible.
If I just listened to my brain instead of my useless heart I would have not kissed her. I should have just let her think that she did something wrong, that I was avoiding her for whatever reason. I shouldn't have trusted her when she said my actions wouldn't change anything. Me kissing her has changed everything. I will never be able to forget that kiss, or how she rejected me for him straight after kissing me. Him of all people, a man who clearly doesn't know her self-worth or respect her in any shape or form. Maybe if he was actually a good man it wouldn't hurt so much, but she decided to choose someone who has hurt her on several occasions than be with me. I don't remember feeling this hurt when Neal left me pregnant and in a jail cell, leaving me with nothing but a stolen car. I don't know if that's because I feel more intensely due to this stupid curse, or if the love I feel for Regina is beyond what I felt for Neal. Regardless, if there was a way to switch off my emotions I would.
It's not fair! She doesn't get to kiss me the way she did. She can't kiss me, claim the kiss meant something then in the next few sentences claim she loves another person. Say she trusts me but then make it clear that she sees me as a threat. I just don't understand, what is so special about him?
I don't want to have to sit and watch her be happy with him or move on with him, I don't care how childish that makes me. She was the one person who wasn't supposed to hurt me. She has been my rock, my support system throughout this curse and I can't pretend she can be that for me anymore. Would she even want to be those things anymore since he is back now? Maybe I misread everything; her soft touches, her smiles.
No. I know my feelings are not just one sided, they can't be.
But if she felt the same why would she choose him? It just seems whenever something is going good, whenever I'm happy, something comes and takes my happiness away from me. Why am I never good enough? I just want to be free from this endless pain, I don't want to think about her anymore. How once again I've given my heart to someone who doesn't want it. To someone who has used my heart until they've decided they don't need it anymore.
I'm supposed to be this 'saviour', this person who is supposed to give everyone their happy endings, but what about my happy ending? What about me and what I want? I'm I nothing but the 'saviour'? Is that all I am to everyone? Someone who was just born to break a curse and bring back 'happy endings' for the select few?
"Emma?"
I don't even know why I trust people when all it does is get me hurt, Neal hurt me, my parents, Lily, and now Regina. It just seems like I attract heartache.
"You know I could kill you right now?"
"What?" I snap my head in her direction, getting into a fighting stance.
"I knew that would get your attention. You know you've been growling ever since we transformed. You're lucky I've learnt to control and accept my wolf or I wouldn't be able to even be next to you with all that growling you're doing"
"I could easily take you on"
She growled as a warning, and a part of me wanted to continue provoking Ruby just so I could feel something other than this pain. The wolf in me certainly wouldn't protest, any distraction is welcome right now even though that distraction consists of considering fighting each other until one of us is dead.
"What? You're the one who decided to bring up our fight and wanting to kill me"
"I was just trying to get your attention"
"Yeah well, you could have used a more effective way"
"Your right, I'm sorry. It's just your growling is making me uneasy"
She walked ahead of me, keeping her golden brown eyes connected with my own until she could no longer look at me anymore.
Even though we both decided to put aside our fight for dominance It's clear we are both struggling. She is clearly struggling with being a good friend and doing what her instincts tell her to do. I'm sure her instincts are telling her to defend her territory and kill me due to her wounded pride after losing that fight. Whereas I'm fighting my instincts from claiming the territory she has mark as her own. Her scent is all over the forest, and I want to correct that. Clearly, we both value our friendship over our instinct even though this was not the case a few days ago. She didn't have to come out with me tonight but she did. She probably thought I would go looking for Robin's campsite and rip his throat. And now I think about it it's probably for the best that she is here because I would have done just that.
Plus, don't wolves live in packs, shouldn't she be happy that she will no longer be a lone wolf. Shouldn't I be happy that I have someone who can help me learn more about being a wolf?
"Thanks. For being there for me, I know your still angry with me for keeping this from you"
"Emma, you're my friend you have nothing to thank me for"
I walk up to her so we were shoulder to shoulder.
"What happened Emma? Between you and Regina?"
Not responding I look up to the dark cloudy sky, looking for the white light that oddly manages to calm me down.
"I fucked up Ruby"
I walk ahead of her clearly no longer wanting to talk about this topic. Maybe I should have stopped and answered her question, but it was too late. It only occurred to me that I had purposely walked in the direction I had been trying to avoid all night once I caught a glimpse of his scent. And I didn't hesitate to sprint in the direction.
"Emma?!"
He's not far, his pungent smell fills my nose and I viciously run towards the thief. It wasn't long before his campsite came into view, the only thing I saw through the flames of the camp fire was him seated on a log laughing. His laughter sounding like nails scraping against a black board in my ears. Not thinking I bare my teeth before lunging at him, and before I could reach him something had forcefully pushed me to the side. Leaving him unharmed.
"Emma don't do this"
"Ruby move!"
My nails dig into the soil below my pawls as I get ready for another attack, completely ignoring the several arrows now pointing at both of us.
"I know your hurt Emma but do you really want to do this?"
"Move Ruby!"
"If you kill him Regina will never forgive you"
"She won't know it was me"
"Emma do you even hear yourself?"
"She's mine Ruby. I need to kill him. He doesn't deserve her! She is a queen and he is a thief who doesn't bathe"
"Emma, I can't let you do that for both yours and Regina's sake"
As soon as the words leave her mouth an arrow is shot through the air and just at the last second, I quickly move out of its line of direction.
"She will hate you Emma, she will never be yours if you do this"
"You don't know that"
"Emma. Think about what your about to do"
I bare my teeth at the thief as a warning, to show him that I have allowed him to live another day. I stare him down before turning around to run away from the several arrows that where suddenly now being shot through the air. Not thinking about where I was going I run as fast as my legs will carry me until I could no longer smell is scent, and once I had come to a complete stop I realised I was standing right in front of the town line.
"After everything me and Regina have been through, he has managed to ruin everything Ruby. Did you know I kissed her just a few hours ago? It was amazing, and the way she responded to the kiss, God, it was out of this world. The kiss had just enough passion and lust, it was sexy yet beautiful, there's not enough adjectives in the world to describe that kiss. I just don't understand, we've gotten so close these past few months, we have had so many moments, so many intermit touches, kisses. Why did she choose him? I'm tired of not being enough for anyone Ruby, of always being used.
Sometimes I wonder if I was to leave Storybrooke would anyone even notice? Or will they only notice once they need the saviour to save the day?"
"Of course, we would miss you Emma"
"It's funny because the only person who I'm sure would probably realise immediately is Hook"
"That's because he has stalker tendency's"
"That maybe so, but he would miss me. You know he is the only one who has put me first in years, has chosen me, wanted me. And I know it's wrong to want to be with him for those reasons alone, but a small part of me wishes I didn't keep brushing him off. That if I just learnt to love him Regina wouldn't have been able to hurt me. I would have been able to forget the feelings I have for her, I could have convinced myself that I was just attracted to her like I've been doing these past few years"
"Emma, if you don't love Hook you have to let him go, you can't just use him to get over Regina. You know it's the wrong thing to do, it would only hurt both of you in the end"
"You don't know that. Plus, why is it OK for everyone to want to use me for their own personal reasons but I cannot return the favour?!"
"Emma, I know you're hurt"
"You don't know Ruby!" My heart is racing at an irregular rate as though it wants to force it's way out of my body, something I wish it would do so I wouldn't have to feel this rage and heartache.
"But I do Emma, I know how it feels to have deep feelings for someone who doesn't want you. For someone who would never be yours, to someone who will never return your feelings no matter how much you're a better option for them"
"And they're here in Storybrooke?"
"Yes"
"Why is the person wrong for them?"
"He is poison, toxic, and she knows this, regardless she will always go back to him. I had to let her go for my own sake"
"She?"
"Yes Emma"
"Sorry, I didn't know you were attracted to women"
"Gender is not important to me; someone's gender will not determine whether I love them or whether I will be attracted to them"
"Yeah, I feel the same way"
"… You know what's worse? She did leave the person, and she didn't choose to come to me, she chose another person, someone who she knows she will never love. I'm sure it won't be long before she goes back, she always leaves him just to go right back. I've been watching the person I love be with another for years Emma, your heart eventually learns how to deal with seeing that person everyday knowing they will never be yours"
"I don't know if I can wait for my heart to heal. Wouldn't you just rather leave? Cross the town line now and forget about her, start fresh?"
"I've thought about it"
"It would be so easy, to leave and never come back. Do you think the curse would break if I leave? If I was to cross the line now, leave Storybrooke, would I remain in my wolf form? Would I still be a hybrid?"
I step closer to the invisible line that separates Storybrooke from the outside world.
"Emma, you can't leave"
"Why?"
"You know why"
"Do I?"
"You don't know if you will be able to get back in, Henry needs you, you can't just leave especially when you haven't spoken to him"
"Henry will be fine, he doesn't need me. He will have a real family now"
"You're his family"
"If I leave he won't have to worry about me drinking from his mother"
"But he will have to worry about his other mother dying because you can't drink from Regina anymore?"
"Would dying be so bad?"
"Emma don't say that. You have so much to live for, your parents, Henry, your brother, this town, me"
"My parents don't need me, they have Neal, plus they hate what I've become"
"Emma, just give them a chance, Snow is always talking about how she misses you, and how you no longer come over. Before I didn't understand why you were both so distant, but I've been able to put the pieces together. As much as I love Snow I know she can be very ignorant at times, she is quick to judge when she doesn't understand something, and David is no better. The fact that Snow still holds Blue to such high standards shows her ignorance. The Blue fairy thinks wolves are an abomination, she has helped killed my kind and done unimaginable things to them, she thinks we're a curse. I don't know how she can call me her best friend but still trust Blue, snow likes to see the best in everyone I guess. Give them another chance they can be very understanding. Just don't leave Emma, not until you have spoken to your family and have actually thought about it"
I take a few steps away from the magical shield. She's right, I need to make sure that leaving this place is what I actually want.
"Maybe you should stay at the apartment until you're ready to be around Regina again"
"Yeah maybe"
"Come, I'll like to show you something. It's a place I always go to when I feel sad or I just want to escape from the rest of the world"
….
I walk into the station looking for David deciding to take Ruby's advice to talk to my parents. Plus, I rather deal with the situation between me and my parents than the situation with Regina. I walk up to his desk and sit opposite him.
"Stop seeing Blue. She can't help you find a cure or whatever the hell she told you. If you want our relationship to be remotely anything like it was before this curse then stop seeing her"
"Me and your mother just want to help you"
"Well treating me as if I'm this disease that needs to be cured is not helping me. Snow's best friend is a Wolf David. Blue doesn't want to help me, she just can't stand seeing the 'saviour' being something she despises. Has she even told you how she plans to 'cure' me?"
"Well no"
"Then why are you still trusting her?"
"She's always helped us"
"What the same way she helped you when she told you only one person can go in the tree?"
"She lies David. It's what she does. So, it's either you tell her to mine her own business or the relationship we have built over the past years will be for nothing. I don't need any more parental figures telling me how much of a disappointment I am"
"You're not a disappointment Emma, don't ever think that me and your mother see you that way"
"Then stop making me feel like that"
"I'm sorry we have made you feel that way Emma. Me and your mother are so proud of you, you are more than we could have imagined or asked for and I'm sorry me and your mother don't tell you that enough. I know it is not an excuse, but because we are nearly the same age sometimes we forget that you need the same affection we give Neal. Well maybe not the same, I don't think you would be able to handle Snow's baby voice"
I give him a week smile, a part of me gets upset when I see Snow and Neal together because it just reminds me what I missed.
"I'll tell Blue we don't need her help anymore"
"And Snow?"
"Snow values your relationship more than anything, I'm sure she will agree to telling Blue that her help is no longer needed"
"Thank you"
"So, Regina has been helping you deal with you being a…"
"Hybrid. Yes, she's been helping me. What do you actually want to ask me David?"
"Who do you drink from?"
"I only drink from her, I can only drink from her, and once I feed from her I heal her"
"OK"
"She and Henry are fine, there safe, I've never tried to feed from Henry, I would never hurt him"
"I know you won't, I was just asking out of curiosity so I can understand what you've become, not to judge you or question Henry's safety"
I only nod in response. This is not the same argument Snow had months ago.
"Would you be able to come over for dinner today? Snow and your brother would love to see you"
"I'll think about it"
The wide smile on his face had me smiling in return, and it had me feeling loved, a feeling I haven't felt from him in months. As soon as I hear the familiar sound of heels making their way into the station I abruptly stand up without any warning.
"Are you OK?"
"I'm going to my office, if anyone asks for me tell them I'm not here, that includes Regina"
Not waiting for his response, I make my way into my office. I shut the door behind me before closing the blinds so she won't be able to see into the room.
It wasn't long before I heard David tell her I wasn't here, and of course she didn't believe him.
"Miss Swan I know you're here, open the door"
She materialised right in front of my desk when she didn't receive a response.
"Real mature"
Her hands were crossed in front of her chest, her irritation was clear on her face. As much as I wanted to be angry at her I couldn't ignore how good she looked. She was wearing her signature red lipstick, her hair was styled to perfection, and she was wearing a blue dress that hug every curve of her body. And most importantly, she didn't smell of him. I would love to walk up to her and pull her into my arms like I would have any other day, before he came back.
She looks tired, and a part of me is happy that she was unable to fall asleep after our conversation, if it can even be called that.
"Is there anything you need Regina?"
She begins to walk up to my desk.
"Please don't come any closer"
I'm not ready for her to be that close to me, it will just remind me of what I cannot have. Respecting my wishes, she let out a loud sigh before taking a seat opposite me instead of directly in front of me on my desk.
"I don't want to fight with you Emma"
"Why are you even here Regina, shouldn't you be with Robin?"
"Emma don't do this"
"Don't do what? You made it very clear who you want. You made it clear what I mean to you. You know I thought you knew I would never intentionally hurt you, and that running away comment, I didn't know that's what you thought about me"
"Emma, I didn't mean those things, I was just upset and confused, and I wasn't thinking. I know that is not an excuse, but please believe me when I say I did not mean what I said.
As much as I didn't want to believe her words, I knew she was telling the truth, but that still doesn't take away the pain her words brought.
"I just don't want our friendship to end because of this, your avoiding me, your not answering my calls, and you didn't come home last night or this morning. You are clearly avoiding me"
"I thought you would be spending 'alone time' with Robin, him being away for months and all. I didn't want to disturb you" I hiss out, I know I was being petty but I didn't care.
"Emma don't do that"
"Do what? You know I wasn't going to kiss you, I was going to get over whatever feelings I felt for you, but you kept pushing me to trust you"
"I didn't know you were going to kiss me!"
"And I didn't know you were going to respond, if the doorbell didn't ring we would have done more than kiss and you know it"
"I don't know what you want from me Emma"
"It doesn't matter, you got your happy ending, no one else matters"
"Can you stop saying that. You can't be mad at me for choosing my soulmate Emma, you know how things go for me regarding my happiness, I couldn't ignore it another time"
"Do you expect me to be happy for you two?!"
"You're supposed to want me to be happy Emma, you're my best friend"
I can't help but let out a humourless laugh.
"Best friends don't do what we do Regina. Best friends don't kiss each other, hold each other the way we do, touch each other the way we do. We have almost slept together more than once. We are just 'friends' but do you think Robin will see it that way?"
"And what about Hook? Emma, you have someone, I don't"
"I'm not with Hook anymore. He has never chosen you Regina, you're always a second choice to him. You deserve so much more than that Regina"
Her eyes glass over with tears that refuse to fall.
"This is as good as it is going to get for me Emma"
Her words have me holding back my own tears. The fact that she would think someone like Robin would be a better choice over me hurts
"Why did you even kiss me back? Why are you here looking for me instead of him?"
"I don't know"
"Can you at least tell me if the kiss meant anything to you, other than trying to fill a void"
"I didn't kiss you because Robin wasn't here"
I only nod in response.
"I don't think I can stay at the mansion anymore"
"No, that's not what I want. You don't have to leave. I don't want you to leave"
"We can't always have what we want"
"This was not supposed to happen, I came here so I could bring you back home"
"I'm sorry Regina. I can't stay there right now while you're with him, you will smell of him, he will be there. I just can't"
"Emma"
"Regina, I almost killed him last night. His scent alone made me want to kill him and if it wasn't for Ruby I would have"
"Where will you stay?"
"At my apartment"
"For how long?"
"I don't know"
"What about our blood bond?"
"We will figure something out"
"Emma, I know you think you want me but you don't"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"It doesn't matter, I should go, I have a meeting to attend"
She quickly gets up from the seat, and I knew she was lying about the meeting but I let her leave anyway. Emotionally drained from this conversation. I watch her leave my office, fearing what will become of our now fragile relationship.
Author's Note: Poor little Emma right? Don't forget to review.
