Kowarete Ita Nani no Tame ni
For What was broken
Chapter Seventeen
The Happiness Game
Going back to normal life was refreshing; Satomi mused to herself, humming a soft distant melody while working in her cozy kitchen. Life would finally go back to its rightful track. She got tired from all the events that deprived her from even enjoying simple aspects like the soft down rays that entered her house lazily or the sound of the TV in the background. It had been weeks since she felt so relaxed and she wanted to assure herself desperately that everything was going back to its normal routine. Her family was going to live under the same roof again. All four of them.
The impatient, irritated tapping on the floor interrupted her meditative thoughts.
'Enough sulking, Kouji. They will be here soon. Kousei called and said they're on the way,' she spoke softly, amused at the obvious changes in her step son's attitude. Normally, Kouji would wear that indifferent mask but now he was fuming with worry and frustration even though he had tried so hard to keep his emotions under control. A week ago, he wouldn't even stay in the living room when she was around. Now he was sitting on the couch, pillows behind him as she strictly ordered him to rest despite Kousei's reassurance that his wound wasn't serious.
Instead of the ice glare she used to receive, he just bit his lip and directed his glare towards the table in front of him. 'That was half an hour ago. They've been out for so long. Kouichi's still sick. Dad could wait till he recover completely.'
They were released the morning that followed Kouichi's panic attack. He was frustrated and there was an obvious hint of worry with the slightest ting of distrust. He wanted to go with them but Kousei ordered him to go home with Satomi, promising to be back with Kouichi after finishing few things. Kouji initially protested and insisted on going along with them but the look on his brother's face silently begged him to leave so he reluctantly went home.
Satmoi smiled warmly when he mentioned his brother's name. He was no longer 'He' or 'the boy' to him and she should really get used to that.
'Don't be paranoid. They will be here any minu-'
The sound of a car's parking cut her sentence and she chuckled with a look that meant. 'See? I told you.'
Kouji wanted to stay and wait. He really wanted to be patient but he couldn't contain the babbling worry. What if something went wrong? His father intended to resolve his brother's legal condition and he seemed quite confident when he took Kouichi to finish the adoption procedures.
All control left him when the keys unlocked the door. He ran to the front door hastily. His father appeared in the corridor seconds later. Alone.
His heart almost stopped.
Kousei looked at Kouji blankly before giving him a small, tired smile as soft steps followed the older man. Kouichi was walking slowly, eyes downcast as if he was going towards a prison or rather heading towards his execution stage. He looked far worse than how he saw him in the morning. Too exhausted that he was barely able to walk on his own. He looked so worn out and drained that he almost stumbled right into Kouji who was standing in his way.
'Welcome home, Kouichi-kun.' Satomi chirped warmly with a heavy heart.
Why couldn't they do that the first time Kouichi walked into their house? Why were they so cruel to him? How would life be if they were sensible enough to understand a child's pain?
The boy nodded and plastered a meaningless smile. His body trembled inwardly but his eyes refused stubbornly to look at any of them. Maybe he was cold. It was freezing outside.
'Take your brother to your room, Kouji. It's been a long day. He needs to rest.'
Satomi smiled, noticing how her husband recognized Kouichi's presence warmly. Yes he was Kouji's brother and they ignored that fact long enough. Kouji nodded and held the other's arm gently supporting him as his form had practically leant against him. He let Kouji drag him towards the stairs' bottom before stopping abruptly with his eyes examined the stairs absently, freezing on his place.
'Is something wrong, dear?' Satomi stood in front of the boys, her eyes darkening with worry.
His breath quickened steadily. He didn't want to go there. Not to that room. He didn't want to lie down on that bed again nor did he want to see that bathroom again. It hurt enough that he failed. He couldn't risk going up there when he was barely recovering from the aftermath of everything.
'I-I don't want to…to…'
He found his broken and small voice. Almost inaudible but the room was silent that made his breathing sound like drums. Everyone was studying him as if he was a living bomb that would explode any second. He closed his eyes, hands pulled into small fists. Unable to utter anything more, he wished to vanish. They wouldn't understand. He'd disappoint them. He should follow the orders and do what he was requested to do. A small part of him warned threateningly. They'd get angry at you. You don't have the right to protest so quite it.
His body shook slightly. Awkwardness controlled the stifling room as the atmosphere grew suffocating mercilessly. He didn't want that. He didn't want the stiffness he caused by his words. For a second he decided to apologize…to go upstairs as he was ordered. However, his fingertips touched Kouji's arm unconsciously as if begging for understanding, begging to be relieved. Kouji glanced at him out of the corner of his eyes and let a frustrated sigh.
'He doesn't want to go to my room. I'll take him to the guest's room.' Kouji's voice cut his line of thoughts. The other's voice was pained yet firm. He snapped his head and looked at him. He had just realized that he was shivering violently. His trembling hand found its way towards Kouji's involuntarily. He dared a look at Kouji. If he were hurt, he didn't show it and simply intended to lead his brother to the nearby guest room in the first floor.
When the realization of his words sank, Satomi's small hopeful bubble exploded. What was she expecting anyway? Of course he wouldn't want to go there again. That place had many painful moments. He needed a new start.
'I'm sorry, Kouichi-kun.' Her voice quivered a bit.
He had to apologize. The irrational part nagged him still. 'I'm sorry. It's that I'm tired. I can't climb the stairs…'
An obvious lie but Satomi grasped it instantly and smiled. 'Sure, honey. Go and rest. I'll bring you some clothes to change into.'
She didn't give him the chance to reply as she ran towards Kouji's room hurriedly in a failed attempt to hide her pain. Kousei watched their exchange silently with matching pain yet he didn't try to interfere.
'You didn't have to lie. They would understand,' Kouji muttered, narrowing his eyes. He was giving Kouichi his back while unfolding the futon he used to sleep in on the floor. Ironically, this had been his room for a while. He was angry at himself for not expecting the other's behavior. It should have been crystal clear. Why would he go to a place that triggered so many bad memories?
Kouichi remained silent and helped in putting the pillow and making the blankets sides despite Kouji's protests.
Once the futon was made, Kouichi sat on it silently. Kouji sat on the floor cross-legged by his side, back pressed against the wall, his thoughts spinning annoyingly. He finally let go of the question that bothered him since his father's and Kouichi's arrival.
'How did it go?' He wished to take the question back when the other flinched visibly and looked at the ceiling, trying to arrange his words carefully.
'Aside from the pathetic looks I got, nothing much.'
Kouji glared at the floor as if to direct his anger towards anything other than himself. 'Dad should have waited. You were in no condition to go.'
Kouichi closed his eyes and heaved a breath. 'It was for the best. The procedures went quite easily because of my… condition. The protocol is rather slow and bureaucratic but Minamoto-san is a good lawyer.'
Kouji winced at the neutrality of the other's voice. He was merely commenting as if the man he talked about didn't mean anything to him.
'With those bandages and the way I was barely able to stand, they felt sorry for me. They know him well enough to believe in his good intentions besides the hospital report came supportive.' Kouichi resumed and raised his hands, staring at the bandages that carefully covered the wrist of one of his hands and the palm of the other.
Kouichi looked at him for the first time, a small sorrowful smile curved his lips. 'It's not over yet but at least I'm put under the care of your family…'
Again.
Words betrayed him. He had been preparing a lot of things to say yet his mind went blank. He shouldn't have asked. In fact he didn't expect an answer.
'They asked him if he wanted to give me another name,' Kouichi laughed bitterly, tears glistering in his eyes.
Kouji opened his mouth to say anything. Anything at all but nothing came out except a shaky breath.
'I guess that was the only thing I couldn't accept. For a moment I didn't care about anything else. That was my name. The only thing I have. The last link I have with my mum. I gave up on everything so he could go on with his plan whatever it was.'
He wanted to stop talking but his heart was throbbing with uncontrollable pain. The desire to talk was unstoppable as if not talking then would break him beyond repairing. He shivered, breathing unsteady and heavy. 'I almost panicked then. It was terrifying to wait that dreading feeling to overcome me again. The feeling that my body is no longer mine with all those strangers staring at me.' His fingers pulled gently into his hair as breathing became a tiring practice. Tears broke free and he tried using his elbow to hide them but they wouldn't stop falling.
Kouji rose at the sight of his almost panicking brother. His arms stretched and he tried to touch him, to comfort him in any way he could but the other pulled away sharply while hugging his temples tightly.
'D-Don't. I-I might shatter if you touched me now. Please. I didn't panic then after all. I'm still Kouichi. We still share something. A part of our names. Isn't that wonderful?'
Kouji punched the floor with enough force that his palm shook with enormous pain. He collapsed against the wall and gritted his teeth angrily
'I'm sorry.' His apology was empty but torn and wrapped in sorrow and fury. I'm sorry for what you went through. I'm sorry for doing nothing. I'm sorry for being so damn helpless. I'm sorry for not being there.
Kouichi turned to the other side so Kouji could no longer see his face. The trembling eased a bit but it was still there. He mumbled in a broken finality. 'I want to be alone, please.'
Before he could think of a reply, Satomi knocked on the door and entered, smiling gently, a pile of carefully folded clothes between her arms. 'I brought you some clothes, dear. Try to take a quick shower.'
She glanced at Kouji. 'Now, Kouji. I need your help in preparing dinner.'
If Kouichi heard her, he didn't make any reaction. Satomi dragged Kouji outside despite his hesitant protests.
Kouji was confused since Satomi had never asked for his help especially with his hopeless cooking skills but when he saw his father waiting for him outside, he understood her behavior. His father wanted to talk to him urgently and the desperate look Kouji received made him swallow the biting frost that he had all prepared to unleash. Kousei headed to the living room and gestured for him to follow which he did silently. Satomi left them and went to the kitchen. This conversation was between Kousei and his son and she wouldn't interfere. Not when they were trying so hard to connect.
'How is he?'
'What do you expect?' Kouji scowled in irritation, forcing himself to soften his aggressive attitude and pressed on. 'He panicked there, didn't he?'
Kousei was shocked. He didn't expect Kouichi to say anything. He didn't give the impression that he liked talking about his fears but that meant Kouji was close enough to him that he entrusted him with something this personal. 'He told you?'
Kouji glared at the stairs, avoiding his father's eyes who sighed. 'He was on the verge of panicking but didn't. I think his fear of having an attack stopped the process. He'll stay with us for the time being. Child social workers would observe his existence here closely. It'd take a while to be his legal guardians but we're working steadily.'
Kouji nodded absentmindedly.
'We should keep an eye on him, Kouji. I don't expect him to do anything dangerous again but we should be careful.'
'I know.'
'I'll give you the medication that the doctor prescribed for him.''
Kouji's head snapped so fast that his neck hurt. 'What?'
Kousei sat on the couch and spoke in a whisper. 'We can't give him the responsibility of taking them himself. It's too dangerous. I don't think Satomi can do that anymore. He trusts you enough to accept your help.'
Kouji knew that his father wasn't even an option. Kouichi could barely accept him when he was stable.
Kouji was struggling to understand his father's words. Flashes of how Kouichi acted during the panic attack at the hospital terrified him. He shouldn't be in charge of something this serious. What if things went downhill? What if he couldn't help his brother? Beside, how could he give him some damned pills when Kouichi was so terrified of swallowing anything of the sorts? During their stay at the hospital, Kouichi refused to take any tablets, forcing the nurses to inject replacement medication into the solution attached to the IV. He had refused taking the suspension as well. Now, he had to be the one giving him that! Kouji stuttered. 'I don't think I can.'
'Yes you can because you care. You had always cared. When you two were so small to even talk, you'd always remain by his side. He trusted you more than he had trusted me or your late mother. You're so important to him.' Kousei simply said, a smile on his lips at the memory.
'Despite how anxious and terrified you were at the hospital, you helped him. I'm sure you'd be able to do that again if needed.' Kousei gave him a pillbox. 'He should take it once daily in the morning. It would help in decreasing the PTSD effects on the long run. This medicine is highly addictive so he mustn't take more than one until the doctor change the dosage.'
The term was no longer foreign to him. He heard the doctors and nurses use the term several times to describe his brother's condition before they were discharged and he had made some research after leaving the hospital.
'But-'
Kousei breathed heavily. He knew that it was a heavy burden but Kouji was the only one whom had a chance at getting close to Kouichi. 'He'll attend therapy sessions soon. Hopefully, we wouldn't need the medication for so long. If you failed, we'd have to force him somehow and I don't think he'd accept it then
Kouji wanted to protest again but a part of him begged for a chance to do anything that wasn't meaningless. He'd try. They believed he was the only one who could do it. He couldn't understand why were they so sure that Kouichi would accept his interference. He had been literally kicked out of the other's room minutes ago.
He inhaled deeply, determination in his eyes as he clutched the drug. 'I'll do it.'
How could anyone fake their real feelings and mask their complete opposites? Kouji could never understand. He was good at hiding his feelings but pretending to be happy or sad when he wasn't was beyond him so when his brother was faking a perfect smile during the first family dinner they had together, he was irritated. In fact, he wasn't expecting Kouichi to come with Satomi when she went to invite him to dinner especially after their short tense conversation a while ago. Kouichi's smile was nothing like the one he witnessed before at the hospital. Yet Satomi was accepting it whole-heartedly. Kouichi thanked her for the food and complimented her cooking with the sweetest words Kouji could imagine. None of them believed it yet they went along with the feign atmosphere. Having dinner hadn't been more awkward as he resumed eating silently.
'I talked to your school headmaster. It wasn't easy to give them a reason for your absence.' Kousei interrupted their silence suddenly before directing his words to Satomi. 'I'm quite busy tomorrow. Could you take Kouichi to Kouji's school and finish the registration process. I talked thoroughly with the headmaster.'
Kouji's eyes widened slightly and looked at his brother out of the corner of his eyes, waiting for the other's reaction.
Satomi wasn't less shocked than her step-son. 'School? Isn't it a bit early? He 's still recovering.'
She took a glance at the elder twin who stopped playing with his food and directed his gaze towards his plate, face expressionless. All their eyes were glued at him, examining his reactions and making him extremely uncomfortable.
'He'll be fine.' Kousei waved his hand, dismissing her words.
Satomi sighed and spoke worriedly. 'Do you want this, Kouichi-kun?'
The boy kept looking at his food stubbornly before giving a small nod. Whether it was honest or not she couldn't tell. A thought occurred to her suddenly and she talked before thinking about her words. 'Have you been to a school before?'
She almost slapped herself when her question triggered an obvious flinch. How could she be so tactless? She swallowed in anxiety, praying that her words wouldn't elicit more than the initial shudder. The fear of expecting an outbreak was paralyzing.
'It doesn't matter.' Kousei said coolly, saving her from the chaining guilt. 'He's so smart. He'd take a placement test. I discussed everything with the headmaster.'
They talked about his brother as if he was invincible. Does it matter if he wanted to go or not? They arranged everything beforehand. Kouji was furious. How could they act as if Kouichi wasn't even there?
His father grinned with a hint of pride in his tone. 'I guess you should lend him your textbooks, Kouji. I'm afraid he'll score a level or two above you and end up in a different grade. Taking a look at your text book will keep his answers under control.'
Kouji had a priceless look on his faces, making Satomi chuckle in amusement. Their father laughed lightly. 'If you didn't do your best, you'll fall behind him easily.' He looked at Kouji and smirked. 'He used to solve puzzles that were directed to five year old children when he was two. While you were struggling with your three-year old puzzle. ' He stopped eating and breathed in nostalegia, forgetting where he was momentarily, his mind travelled back in time when his twins were mere toddlers.
He smiled in Kouichi's direction affectionately. 'And you drew very well. Maybe you should attend a special school. You'd do good there. Once you drew a picture of you and Kouji. I was shocked at how you managed to hold the crayons and drewso well that I framed it back then.' He trailed off and added in afterthought. 'I guess I still have that drawing somewhere in the closet. Maybe I should show it to you sometime.'
Why did he talk as if he knew him? Kouichi struggled to remain blank. He spoke as if he had never forgotten about him like he had been looking for him for years but he wasn't. No one was. He was dumped away for years and it was coincidence that brought him to their house. He didn't need their pretending that he meant something to them. They weren't forced to fake their feeling unlike him. He had to master the perfect obedient smile to be accepted. It was a part of his role as an adopted orphan, a part of his theatrical performance yet there they were talking warmly about him, acting as if he was a member of their happy family. He could feel their intent eyes on him but he had nothing to offer, nothing to leak. This whole conversation didn't mean anything to him. It was a part of the happy family game. Ironically, he had begged to be part of this game for a long time that he stopped wishing and merely played along. A game that was driven by guilt and sympathy could never be real or worth believing so he smiled professionally when his father directed his words to him and continued eating in the way he was taught to act to give the good boy aura. He wasn't a perfect actor though. It didn't work all the time especially if what he was feelings was so devastating or overwhelming that he couldn't hide. Sometimes his feelings bleed against his control but when it came to playing the happiness game, he was a great player. It'd cost him few complimentary words and even fewer smiles along with formal respect to play the role perfectly.
'Kouichi?' Satomi asked when she noticed that he had barely touched his food despite all the pretending that he was consumed in the task as if to ignore their conversation.
He gave a tiny fake smile. 'Yes?
'You all right?'
A nod. 'Yes. I'm fine. Thanks for the food. It was delicious.' He stood up and gave a short bow. 'Forgive me for not finishing my plate but I feel tired. Can I go to sleep, please? '
Can I stop playing this game now?
Satomi's jaw dropped slightly. She was a bit startled at the overly polite language and the respectful gesture he displayed that he gave her no chance of asking him to complete his food or to doubt his sincerity. 'Of course, sweetheart. Go ahead.'
If anything to owe the orphanage for, it was how well-trained he became in faking feelings and acting formally. However, this fake act didn't work on everyone as Kouji's eyes followed him skeptically till he disappeared behind his room's door.
To Be Continued...
Author Note
Hey! So happy to post another chapter. I hope you liked it as well. Go ahead and tell me what you think. I'll be super happy to feel that someone is still there :)
