Regina's POV

Materializing back into my room, I begin to pace furiously. It took me a few seconds to realize I was still naked, and with a wave my hand I was dressed in a night gown.

All I could think about was Emma's words. Her words play over and over in my head. What did she mean when she said she was done? Have I actually lost her?

I don't know why I didn't just say I wasn't taking Robin back. How could I after everything that's happened? Why didn't I just say something! I can't lose her. Why do I ruin everything I touch!

"Damn it!"

I run my trembling hands through my hair hoping that it will stop the shaking, it doesn't.

"Why didn't I just tell Emma about my feelings a long time ago! I would have avoided this whole mess. I should have told her how I felt about the curse. I should have told her that I thought the curse was influencing her feelings, I should have never let it get this far," I say into the empty room, as if I would receive a response.

"If I lose Emma it will be no one else's fault but my own, I won't have Hook to blame this time."

But what if I'm right and her feelings aren't real?

But wouldn't it be better to have Emma's love for a short moment than not at all?

What if she is right and her feelings are real? What if her feelings for me remain after the curse is broken? I would have messed everything up because I was afraid of getting hurt. Would I be able to live with myself knowing I lost my chance to be with someone like Emma?

I've suppressed my feelings for her for so long, that I couldn't even see or take the chance that was right in front of me. Ever since she started dating that pirate I let go of any feelings I had for her. I was able to convince myself that anything I felt was just sexual tension, but she's not dating Hook anymore.

Why didn't I just take the chance? Why did I let my fear stop me from taking what I want? I let myself listen to a stupid fairy! If Tinkerbell didn't convince me Robin was my last chance at happiness I wouldn't have given him the time of day. I wouldn't have pursued him, we had nothing in common. We still don't have anything in common other than the fact that were supposedly each other's soulmate.

Even if I wanted to go back to Robin I couldn't. I couldn't do that to Emma or myself. Not after I saw the look on her face when I didn't answer her question about Robin. Not after feeling her heartbreak, a feeling I never want to feel again, or be the cause of. I've hurt her so many times, this has to be the last time I do this, the last time I hurt Emma Swan. She's right, I can't keep stringing her along, she deserves better than that, she deserves more, someone better than me. Yet the thought of her with someone else makes me sick. How selfish does that make me?

"I need to talk to her, I need to make her understand!"

"But what if she doesn't want to see me? Who am I kidding? Of course, she doesn't want to see me, I wouldn't want to see me."

Sighing I make my way to my ensuite bathroom, so I can wash the smell of sex off my body.

I let the water run down my skin, and an unexpected cry leaves my lips.

I didn't think I had any tears left…I guess I was wrong.

How did things become so messed up? How did I manage to ruin things so badly? I've lost my soulmate, and to be honest I couldn't care less. Why is that? Why would I rather lose Robin than Emma? He is my supposed soulmate, but who is to say he is still my soulmate now? Tinkerbell's magic matched us decades ago, when I was an entirely different person. I'm not that little girl anymore, I won't ever be that girl, she died the day I married the King. The person Robin wants is that little girl, he wants the person who should have walked into the tavern. He only wants to see the good side of me. If he ever saw the Evil Queen in action he would run the other way.

Emma. Emma has seen all of me, has seen the good, the bad, me at my worst. She has met the Evil Queen, yet still wants to be with me.

I need to talk to her, I need to make Emma understand. I don't care if she wants to see me or not. I need to explain to her that I'm confuse and scared. That I just need time to sort my feelings out.

But, what if she's not willing to wait for me to get my feelings together?

I can't think like that.

I don't know how long I spend in the shower, but the wrinkles on my fingers indicate a long time. I quickly wash my body before stepping out of the shower, using magic to get ready. With a wave of my hand I am back in Emma's apartment, in her room. It looks a mess, items of clothing all over floor, both mine and hers, many of them hers. The pillows strewn across the floor, the bed sheets hastily shoved in the laundry basket, and several drawers open with clothes hanging out of them. Seeing the state of her room makes the guilt inside me intensify.

Sparing another glance around, I leave the room to find her.

"Emma?"

I make my way through the apartment, the silence making me nervous.

"Emma?"

Stepping into the empty kitchen, glass meets my heel. Glass is all over the kitchen; on the counters, the floor, everywhere.

"What the hell happened in here," I whisper to myself.

"Emma?" I shout louder, as I frantically make my way to the living room.

The living room is not in the same state as the kitchen to my relief, however, this is cut short once I realize she is not here either.

"Emma?!" I scream frantically.

Where the hell is she?

I need to calm down, I can locate her if not with magic then with our blood bond. Even if she does manage to block me like she did the last time, I would at least be able to know she's safe. I still need to ask her how she did that. Our blood bond wouldn't allow her to block me for long.

I take a deep breath, focusing on Emma, and reach into my magic as well as our shared blood. I think about my feelings for her and how much I want to find her.

My heart begins to race once I realize it isn't working.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Come on Regina, focus!

I take another deep breath, clearing my mind the best way I could, I reach into our blood bond again. The harder I reach, the more I notice something is wrong. Our blood bond is there, but not at the same time. Even though I can feel our bond if I really focused, it still feels like something is missing, like our bond is gone. The only way I would be able to feel like this is if…

I use my magic to teleport back to the mansion.

"Henry? Henry?!"

"Yeah?" he shouts, his voice echoing out of the living room into the foyer.

As much as I wanted to scold him for his manners now was not the time.

"What's up?"

"Do you know where your mother is?"

"No, I haven't seen her since yesterday, why?"

"And she hasn't called you?"

"I don't think so, why?"

"Check again."

"Mom what's going on?"

"Just check Henry!"

"Okay. No, she hasn't called me."

"Call her."

"Why?"

"Henry, just do as you're told."

"Fine… She's not picking up. Are you going to tell me what's going on now?"

"I'm sure everything is fine."

"You don't seem so convinced."

"I'm just overreacting. I can't find your mother and I'm worried, that's all."

"Do you think she's in trouble?"

"When is your mother not in trouble?" I try to let out a laugh, but it comes out as a strangled sound.

"I'm sure she's at the station or with Ruby."

"Then why do you sound so scared?"

"I'm going to find your mother."

Even if I tried to tell him that I wasn't absolutely terrified, he would see right through my lie.

"I probably won't be back in time to make you dinner, so you're going to have to eat the leftovers in the fridge."

"Mom."

"Don't forget to do your homework."

Not waiting to hear his response, I magic myself to Grannies. I stride into the restaurant with purpose, walking towards the brunette.

"Miss Lucas."

"Regina."

She doesn't look up to acknowledge me, and continues to wipe down the table in front of her as if I don't exist. Moments like this make me miss when people in this town used to fear me.

"Have you seen or spoken to Miss Swan today?"

"Why?"

"I'm looking for her."

"Clearly."

"Do you know where Emma is or not?" My irritation clear in my voice.

Why can't she just cooperate.

"No, I haven't seen her. To be honest, even if I did, I wouldn't tell you."

My patience is quickly wearing thin.

"You've hurt her enough."

"You know nothing," I hiss loud enough for only her to hear.

She stops wiping the tables to towering over me.

I step into her personal space, to show her she does not intimidate me at all.

"Don't let those few drinks you had with Emma make you forget your place."

"I'm not afraid of you."

"Wouldn't be the first time you've made that mistake/"

I don't have time for this!

"If you don't care whether your friend is trouble then I will go to someone who does care," I snap as I turn around to leave.

"Wait, is Emma in trouble?"

"Don't know yet."

"What does that even mean?"

"Not that it is any of your business, but I cannot sense Emma anywhere."

"You think she left Storybrooke, that's why you're asking me if I've spoken to her."

"She wouldn't do that, she wouldn't leave-"

"You?"

"Henry. She wouldn't leave Henry."

"She said she wanted to leave," Ruby whispers to herself.

"What?!" I screech in a hushed tone, I do not want to bring any more attention to ourselves. We already have several onlookers.

"A few days ago, she was going to cross the town line. I managed to convince her not to, but maybe that wasn't enough. You know if she actually went over the town line it would be your fault."

My heart begins to race, and it feels as though I can't breathe as Ruby confirms what I don't want to believe.

With a wave of my hand, I am at the sheriff station. It isn't long before I realize that she's not here as well.

I should have known she wouldn't be here, her shift ended hours ago. The only people at the station are David and other people that I don't care enough to remember their names. I go to Snow and David's apartment praying to whatever deity that she will be there, she isn't. I even look at Henry's castle, a place I know she goes to on rare occasions. She isn't there, she isn't anywhere.

She has to just be blocking me, that has to be the only explanation. Somehow, she has managed to completely block me. Maybe, I can get someone else to track her, she won't expect someone else to try and track her. She is still here, I know it. She has to be.

Emma's POV

Everything hurts, it feels like I've been hit by a truck, whatever that feels like I'm sure it feels like this. I want to move, but my body is so heavy. No matter how much I will my body to move it won'tcooperate. Even trying something as simple as moving one of my fingers seems like an impossible task. I feel like I'm drowning with no hope of making it to the surface.

Why can't I move?!

I try to open my eyes, and once I realize I can't, a wave of fear washes over my body.

I don't know where I am, I can't move, and I can't even open my eyes. I'm just surrounded by darkness. What the hell happened?

I try to scream for help, begging and wishing anyone will hear me. My calls fall on deaf ears, whether that's because no one hear me or my body isn't working with me I don't know. I don't remember the last time I've been this scared or helpless. What I do know is I promised myself a long time that I would never allow myself to feel this way again, a promise I've failed to keep.

I need to calm down and think. I just need to think about what happened. I just need to remain calm.

Ok. I was at the apartment and Regina came over, we had sex, we argued, she left, then I drank myself into oblivion… Then nothing. Why can't I remember anything after that?!

Don't panic, there has to be a logical explanation for what's going on. Maybe, I had too much of Ruby's alcoholic concoction. That has to be the reason why I can't remember everything, but this hasnever happened before. My body should have worked the alcohol out of my system by now, and even if it hasn't I should still be able to move. Something must have happened! Ruby wouldn't give me something that has these types of side effects, she said she's been drinking it for years.

I try to move my body again, trying to move anything. I would be happy with just a little twitch of my fingers. No matter how much I wish it, my body remains motionless.

I force down the tears of frustration that I'm sure want to leave my eyes. Crying will get me nowhere. Plus, I wouldn't be surprised if my body won't allow me to do something as simple as that.

Why does this shit happen to me? Why can't I just live a regular life like a normal person? Where I don't have to worry about villains, and whether I have been captured by someone trying to kill me. I hope that I'm just overreacting, and I'm just passed out, or asleep having a nightmare. Maybe my body doesn't want me to wake up because it doesn't want me to face the harsh reality that once again Regina rejected me. Maybe my fragile heart has finally had enough and it's just trying to protect me. As much as I wish for this to be true, I know it's not. History has taught me wishing gets you nowhere.

The unmistakable sound of a door being opened followed by footsteps catches me by surprise. I know I've already come to the conclusion that I'm clearly no longer at my apartment, but a part of me expected to wake up. To realize that this was just all a terrible drunken dream.

"Hello?"

"Hello?!" I shout again.

Can't they hear me?!

Where the hell am I?

"Do you think she's awake now?" I hear someone say, the person sounding so close yet far away.

"She'll wake up soon." I hear another person say, or is it the same person? I don't know. It's like my mind is struggling to identify who these voices belong to. The voice seems so familiar, but I can't tell who the voice or voices belong to.

"The magic that was used should wear off any minute. Don't worry though, she will still feel the effects of the magic, it will keep her weak while I prepare other means to keep her confined."

Weak? Confined?!

"Why can't we just keep her like this?"

"My work as well as yours will be better if she's awake."

"To be honest, I don't care if she is awake or unconscious as long as I get to do my research."

"What do you want?" I scream out.

"Miss Swan, nice to see you're finally awake."

Awake? They heard me this time?

"We're here to help you Emma."

"I don't need help!" I wanted to say with conviction, but the words barely made it out of my mouth. It's if my throat is fighting the words.

"Where am I?"

"You don't need to worry about that," another voice said.

"Please. Please just let me go. I-I don't need help."

God, why does my throat feel so dry?

"I know you think that now, but you'll soon see things my way. Once you're cured you will thank me, you were destined for greatness, not to become this abomination."

"Please."

I feel something cold on my arm.

"No! What are you doing?!"

"Shhh."

The cold object is being forced into my arm, and I feel a foreign substance enter my body. As soon as the substance enters my body, a pain like I've never felt before consumes me, and I let out an involuntary piercing scream. It's worse than the times I've drank another person's blood who isn't Regina, a thousand times worse. I would rather feel that pain than this one. It's as if my body was seton fire, as if someone had taken a thousand hot blades to my skin. As if someone has set my skin ablaze.

My body immediately tries to fight whatever has invaded my veins. My body jerks, trying to get away from whatever this pain is. But I can't escape the pain no matter how much I try. It is only then I realize, that my body had been tied down. Every pull I make, I hear the distant sounds of chains clashing.

"Grab the vervain and wolfsbane."

"What do you want me to do with it?"

"Poor it on the chains. Do it quickly, we don't want her to break them."

"What does this do?"
"It weakens her, that's all you need to know."

"Didn't you just inject this same stuff into her, she doesn't look too weak to me?"

"It takes time, now stop asking questions and just do as I told you."

Regina's POV

I look at the brown door in front of me, debating whether I should knock on the door. Debating if I'm wasting my time. The only thing that is stopping me from turning away is Emma. If she does decides to help me, I know she will do it without expecting anything in return. Whether she will help me or not I don't know, but I at least need to try.

The door swings open before I can even knock.

"Are you going to stand out here all day?"

"Maleficent."

"Did you actually need something, or did you come to stare at my door?"

"I need your help."

She moves to the side, allowing me inside the apartment.

"Would you like something to drink?"

"No."

"Are you sure? You seem like you could use a drink, a strong one/"

"I'm fine."

"Okay."

She leads us into her living room, and signals over to the couch to take a seat.

"So, why do you need my help?"

"I need you to help me track the savior."

Maleficent laughs in response.

"You came to me, of all people. You want me to help the Charming clan? This being a hero has clearly gone to your head if you think I am going to help them. Did you forget what they did to my daughter, why the hell would I help them find theirs?"

"Please Mal."

"Don't Mal me. Just because I haven't gone after either Snow or Charming, don't mistake that for me wanting to be a hero. I haven't killed them because killing them means I will have to kill everyone in this damn town with how many supporters they have. I could use that time to look for my daughter. So, no, I won't help you."

"Please, I'm not asking for them."

"You know I never thought I would see the day where the Evil Queen would be begging me for help. Why do you even need my help to find her, can't you do it yourself?"

"If I could, I wouldn't be here!"

She raises a perfectly shaped eyebrow.

"Do you actually want my help?"

"If you're not going to help me I might as well leave. I should have just gone to Rumple," I mutter, moving to stand.

Before I can reach my feet, Maleficent grabs my arm. "Wait, you can't expect me to be jumping for joy at the idea at helping a Charming."

"She is more than just a 'Charming'."

"You must really care about the savior." She gives me a knowing look.

"I do."

"Fine, I will help you."

"Why?"

"She is important to you, is she not?"

"She is, but you were so adamant about not wanting to help. What's changed?"

"To be honest, I don't know. I guess I'd rather help you than let you go to that imp, and even though I will deny this if anyone asks, I do consider you a friend."

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it. Really. Don't. So how do you expect me to find this savior of yours?"

I open my hand and Emma's blanket appears in purple smoke.

"Here."

"What do you want me to do with this?"

"Sniff it?"

She lets out a laugh. I hold back any retorts bubbling in my throat while I wait for her composure.

"Wait. You're being serious?"

"Dead serious."

"Do you expect me to try and track the savior's scent?!"

"Yes."

"You know I'm not a dog, right? Why didn't you ask her wolf friend?"

"It would take her too long, you're a dragon. You'll cover more ground quicker."

"Why can't I just do a tracking spell?"

"We don't have time for that, making the potion will take too long."

"Why do you need to find Emma so urgently anyway, I'm sure the idiot is with one of her friends."

"Don't call her that."

"Don't you call her an idiot all the time?"

"We're wasting time!"

"Regina what's going on? You can't just come here asking me to go flying around the town looking for the savior, I need more than that."

"Please, I just need to find her."

I force back the tears of frustration that want to leave my eyes.

"Okay."

I can see the pity in her eyes and I hate it.

"But when I come back-"

"With Emma," I interject.

"Yes, when I come back with Emma you need to tell me what's going on. Especially, as me being in my dragon form will have the whole town wanting to burn me at the stake with all their fear and ignorance."

I watch as Maleficent brings the blanket to her nose before disappearing in black smoke. As soon as she is gone, I begin to frantically pace, before falling ungracefully to the couch.

What if I pushed her too far and she crossed the town line? What will I tell Henry? Would I be able to function with her gone? Will I be able to move on like I did Robin? Of course I won't, Emma is not Robin, she's special.

I know the love I felt from Emma a few hours ago. I've never felt that way while being intimate with someone. I've never felt such love before. Definitely not in my first marriage, not with Graham, nor with Robin, who is supposed to be my soulmate, and I never got the chance to experience that with Daniel. Even though the sex was rushed it was still passionate. Emma is a caring and generous lover, not like the other people I've been with. How have I been able to doubt her feelings after all that for even a second? How could I let Robin's words get to me?

Even though Emma would probably never believe me, and I don't blame her, once we were in the moment I wasn't thinking about Robin. I wasn't trying to forget about how he hurt me. Maybe that was my intention at first, but as soon as she kissed me any thoughts of Robin left. I was ready to give myself to her, all of me, but once we were done it was like a bucket of cold water was poured over me, and I remember that I had a soulmate that had gotten my sister pregnant, a soulmate who still wanted me to give him another chance. It was all too much, I shouldn't have gone to Emma. Maybe if I didn't I would have been able to realize what I want without having to hurt her.

If I didn't go to Emma, then I would have been able to come to the conclusion that I wasn't upset that Robin had once again hurt me. I would have come to the conclusion that I am more angry than hurt. I am angry because I chose him, I chose him when Emma asked me not to, I chose him over Emma. Then he goes and gets my sister pregnant. Ruby is right, I only have myself to blame, I shouldn't have taken Robin back. I don't even love him, I am finally ready to admit that. How many times have I had to convince myself that I do?

Why did I have to realize this now?! Why did I have to wait for the possibility of Emma leaving to finally accept how I feel. Why did I have to wait for Robin to screw up to want to tell her how I feel?

"How could I have been so stupid?!"

I bring my hands to cover my face, as tears slowly run down.

"Regina?"

I snap my head up, wiping the tears away hastily, before standing to meet Maleficent.

"Where is she?"

"I couldn't find her, I'm sorry."

"No." I feel like I can't breathe.

"Regina."

"I fucked up Mal. I fucked up like I always do and now she's gone."

"I'm sorry."

"She's gone."

"Regina, you need to calm down. You need to breathe."

"She left me."

I lost the one person who has always put me first, the one person who has wanted nothing but for me to be happy, even if it is at the cost of her own happiness. The one person other than Henry who is able to make me laugh and smile no matter what mood I'm in. The one person who understands me, knows me, the real me. Who makes me feel loved in a way that I haven't felt since Daniel. Emma doesn't make me into this needy woman, this woman who is trying to please people. She doesn't make me into this weak woman the way Robin does. Robin makes me into a woman who is looking for approval and acceptance.

I promised myself I would never let someone decide my fate, that I will decide who I get to love, who I get to be with. Yet I let a fairy tell me who my soulmate is. The whole purpose of me casting this stupid curse was so I could make my own destiny, now look at the woman I've become. I didn't even like Robin when I first met him, there was no chemistry, no spark. He doesn't challenge me, not the way Emma does. Emma makes me feel… She makes me feel. In a way I have never felt, not even with Daniel. After Daniel, I didn't believe I would ever be able to feel the way I do now for another person, but once again, Emma Swan has proved me wrong. I want to be with someone who makes me better, who challenges me, who loves me for all of me and not just the good parts, someone who understands me. Who will always choose me no matter what. I had that with Emma and I ruined it. I was a fool for going back to Robin, even if there was never a chance of being with Emma, I should have never taken him back. We would have never worked.

"I love her Mal."

"I know you do, anyone who knows you can see that. You'll get her back."

"I won't, she left Storybrooke. I choose Robin too many times and now she's gone. I love her, and I won't be able to tell her. I won't be able to tell her why it took me so long to admit it to myself, and most of all I won't be able to tell her I'm sorry. That she deserves more than me, that she deserves to be fought for and not strung along. She deserves someone better than me, but I want to try for her. I want to be better, I want to be someone she deserves. I want to fight for her. I want to tell her that I'm sorry it has taken her leaving Storybrooke for me to 'get my shit together' as she would crudely put it."

I let out a humourless laugh.

"And you will be able to do that."

"How?"

"You can leave the town can you not?"

"Well, yes but-"

"But nothing, the Regina Mills I know would not just give up. You cursed a whole town for God's sake. Does Emma mean nothing to you?"

"Of course she does! She's everything! I just realized that too late."

"Feeling sorry for yourself won't get you anywhere. You need to go and find her."

"How?"

"I don't know, it shouldn't be that hard, Henry found her didn't he? You just have to believe you will find her. God, that sounds wrong coming out of my mouth."

"You almost sound like-"

A vicious wave of pain overtakes my body, the pain making my knees give out. I don't register the impact of the fall, all I can feel is this pain. It feels as if I'm being burned alive. I can't stop the bloodcurdling scream that leaves my mouth.

"Regina?!"

I knew Maleficent was speaking to me, but my brain could not process what she was saying, all I could understand was the pain.

"Regina?! What's wrong?!"

Maleficent grabs hold of my arms, and her touch only intensifies the pain.

"Em-Emma."


Author's Note

I hope you enjoyed this chapter. This is just the beginning stages of Regina getting her shit together, and I really hope I did it justice.

Don't forget to review. I'm really interested to hear your thoughts on this chapter.

Before I go, I'll like to thank my awesome Beta Reader kelojelo61 for helping me with this chapter.