Disclaimer: I do not own anything! I own nothing of the twilight saga!

Note from author: I am trying my hand at different styles of writing and I wanted to take a depressive aspect since it's so prevalent in our lives now, sadly. It quite freeing actually. Please review, follow etc. It would be great to know if you like it or not, that's fine too. I have done my best with grammar but it is a struggle for me, I am hoping to improve as I write more, I do think I have got a lot better. More chapters to follow shortly…

Warning: Triggers present! Self- harm, suicidal thoughts and actions, extreme depression etc etc.

Darkness. Darkness in the brightest of sunlight. That's how it feels. Like you are in a forest alone, but yet you hear sticks breaking and rustling of bushes. You shoot your head around to chance a look. The path is empty. No one, that you can see, is there. In some ways you want someone to be there, to explain the mysterious noises, to explain way you feel panic rising in your chest, to explain why you feel like eyes are penetrating your back. But still. No one. Your feet quicken, your heart races and a trickle of sweat threatens to run down your face. That's how it feels. Every single day.

Why? A question that baffles my mind. It's a question I can't answer, if I could, maybe then I wouldn't be this way, just maybe. I have heard the stories, read the articles, but never did I truly understand how freeing it was to live without this struggle, that was until I had one to burden my life. Carrying it around like a four-year-old irrational child on my back, exhausting my body and waking me up through the night. I feel like I have a foot pressing on my weak chest, like I have butterflies in my heart instead of my stomach. Take it away, someone take this away. Even if it means that the 'stalker' in the forest takes it away for me. The stalker that is in my head, the one that I feel following me each and every time I blink, like a shadow sewed to my feet. How I pray for a cloudy day. But it never comes, the thoughts plague me. Take it away, I say to the stalker. One day I may let the stalker succeed.

Of course, I have actually been there, stalked in the forest of Forks by Victoria. She may still be out there, searching the outskirts, waiting for her time. Perhaps this has triggered this deep-rooted depression which is controlling my life. That and my soul mate disappearing and trying to kill himself. I thought everything would go back to normal when Edward returned. But it didn't. I can't understand why. Depression was inevitable when he left, but why is it still here now.

No one knows how badly I am suffering. Edward can feel my anxiety but he puts it down to the impending feeling of doom I am feeling, being attacked from all angles, the Volturi, Victoria and Jake. Charlie assumes I am consumed in my school work. Preparing for finals, in reality I cannot concentrate on anything.

So here I am again. Another long day and night. Another 24 hours plagued with anxiety. It is always worse when Edward was gone, but at least I am free to suffer my misery. I have to be careful with my thoughts, they are always being watched. But I have realised that Alice can't see my pain because it is a mental. She explained it to me once, although not in this context, that as her talent is based on physical choices and that's why she can see my future, unlike Edwards mind-reading. But it appears she can't see my mental agony. I am thankful. No one must know the extent I go to, to calm the anxiety.

Jasper was another difficult situation. Although I haven't been spending much time with him lately, since he almost killed me and my birthday last year. He was very careful to go near me. Maybe he thinks I am anxious because he is near. I have learnt to control my emotions when he is around mostly, but that can only last for a few hours. It has to come out. I feel as if I am a can of pop, being shaken until the pressure builds up and up and I have to realise my pain.

It was Saturday. I was alone and feeling the darkness sweeping over me. I did what I had to do, the only thing that helps. I reached into my bedside draw and pulled out my trusty scissors. The perfect level of pain, not too much to need stiches and therefore people noticing, but enough to create the release I was seeking. Only cut in places where it wouldn't be seen. Since Edward won't touch me below the shoulders, I was pretty free with my locations. It is never shorts and t-shirt weather in Forks, luckily. I thought this behaviour would stop when Edward came back, but to say it plateaued would be generous.

So I dragged the scissors across the top of my right arm. I watched the blood drip down my arm and felt a huge relief in my body. Blood doesn't bother me anymore, not since I worked out how it can help me.

I put the scissors away, pulled my knees up to my chest and sobbed. This was the next step in my realise. I thought about how easy it would be if no one cared what happened to me. I could hurt myself freely, where I wanted too. Across my wrists, through my veins, as deep as I wanted too. The thought was comforting. Of course, it would make my choice of life or death very easy. I couldn't do it Charlie. But then, maybe he would have closure. Maybe he would be happier without me to worry about every single day. The thought was intriguing.

"Bella..?" I jumped higher than necessary, I should expect this now, although I didn't expect it this early. It was the small timid voice of Alice, laced with concern.

"Oh, Alice" I said wracking my brain for an explanation and wiping the tears away "I was just, umm…"

"Hysterically crying?" She interrupted me. Her voice full of shock and concern, not accusation. I just stared at her. There was no explaining this. She sat on my bed next to me with grace "Bella. What on earth is wrong?"

"Nothing Alice. Really, I am just being silly" I forced a smile, something I was good at now.

"Bella, drop it and tell m…" Suddenly she hesitated and held her breath "I smell blood. Your blood?" Her tone wasn't suspicious, just curious. I can fake my way through this, I thought. I didn't answer, just mimicked her confused look. She looked me over and used her ridiculously sensitive nose "It's coming from your arm!" Before I could stop her, not that I ever could, she had yanked my dressing gown off.

She stared at the tops of my arm, covered in old scars and fresh ones too. There was silence, all I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears. A small gasp escaped her mouth as it became evident to her what it was she was seeing