AN: TRYING TO KEEP WRITING MY OTHER STORIES AND KEEPING UP WITH THE TRANSLATION OF THIS ONE... THANKS FOR READING :)

WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CAN BE KIND OF DEPRESSING...

D: YOU KNOW I DON'T OWN L&O AND ITS CHARACTERS.

SONG: Evanescence- my immortal

CHAPTER 16: Funeral

I wake up in the middle of the cold with the feeling of not being totally alive. I digress a little bit in my mind; he should be at my side to wake up. Maybe this is a dream, perhaps one which I'll never wake up. My most terrible nightmare came true.

I look around me to find out that the candle is completely consumed. I look through the window to see how the snow slowly falls dancing in the wind. I settle on the couch sitting up. I lift up my head to find a set of dark clothes settled on a chair. Perhaps uniform. I rub my eyes trying to dispel that beautiful feeling that still surrounds me; the feeling of him beside me; and as soon as I close my eyes the gloomy picture come back to me ... the cold night, wet grass, loneliness.

I get up as fast as I can trying to erase the image off my mind but suddenly I feel the first twinge in my chest while the cold invades me. I get dizzy and my hand flies to my throat trying to fight the lump on it. I sight as deep as I can in attempt to achieve balance. I don't know how but I finally manage to stand up, so I start walking to the chair. I find a white paper with my name handwritten on it. I take it and try to read.

"Olivia: I brought you appropriate clothing, we are waiting for you downstairs. Fin."

"oh" It's the only thing that came out of my mouth understanding what for the clothes are.

: EOEOEOEOEOEO

I hear the sound of the drums carefully. My teammates are next to me while we watch the coffin passing in front of us. I fight to keep the fire of my chest locked inside. My jaw in clenched and I can feel the burning tears in my eyes. I lift my eyes away from the coffin just to find his family. Kathy cries on her son's shoulder, Richard, who remains calm. Two girls keep hugging each other while letting out sobs from their throats and a younger girl is clench to the arm of an old woman who looks at me with evident sadness.

The drums stop and I turn to see how the captain get up on a little stage. He sighs before beginning his speech. I return my eyes to the closed coffin and keep them there. The stunning makes presence and I appreciate that because I know that if I were fully conscience right now I couldn't handle to keep standing up here.

"We are here today to say goodbye to a great man ..."

I force myself to stop listening to the captain's words and my mind tries to go back to the place where it is covered by a dense fog. I try to remember my dream, "I live in you" I hear his voice so clearly in my mind as a slight breeze hits my face. It's like if for a few seconds I can actually feel his heat and smell his scent. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I'm not ready to say goodbye… yet.

"Liv" I feel a slight touch on my arm so I turn towards my right. "You want to say something?" Fin asks me as quietly as he can while the others follow Don's words. I remind in silence thinking. Should I say something? Could I be able to? The burning in my chest soon answers the questions. I don't think I can keep quiet any longer. I might not be here. So, I just shake my head and look away from him not wanting him to notice how much I'm struggling here. And Bernie's sad eyes catch me again. We look at each other for no more that tree second before I start taking a few steps backwards. I turn around and try to keep my tears in place while I walk away in the snowy grass; away from all the fear. I feel like walking until I get lost again, back to the bottomless pit that had caught me that night. Maybe I prefer that a thousand times more than the reality. I prefer to sink into that feeling forever before saying goodbye.

I achieve to leave the cemetery with a firm step, and I am determined to walk again aimlessly, but a hand stop me by the arm turning me around to meet Alexandra's worried face.

"Olivia…" She tries to speak swallowing the lump in her throat. On her face there's this look of concern. "Don't do it. Please." I'm not sure what she means but I really don't care.

"Just, let me take you home." Home. I know what awaits me at home and I would rather be stranded there in time than see him fade away. "It is starting to snow, Liv. Please." I look as her blue eyes fill with tears so I just nod my head.

EOEOEOEOE

I'm confused by the thick fog that blurs the day in the snow. I'm surprised to find myself in my building's driveway without clearly remembering the road from the cemetery. Without remembering the words uttered by Alexandra few seconds before leaving. Without even remembering having climbed the stairs up or even opening the front door as it is here I find myself, alone standing in front of my kitchen.

Maybe if I can move quickly enough to my bedroom the memories will not invade me. Maybe then I can ignore the dirty dishes in the living room, the cups of wine on the kitchen's counter or his jacket on the couch. So I rush over to my bedroom's door but my hand gets frozen in the cold knob. The last image I have of that room appears like lightning before the door opens. Absolutely everything is as I remembered, my blankets are on the floor, our clothes lying everywhere. His clothes are still here.

The burning rips through my opened chest, the burning tears roll down my cheeks. I try to avoid recognizing what is happening. I can try to chase the memories away, I can close my eyes as strong as I can avoiding looking around me, I can try to pretend that it never happened... but still I will never be able to get things back to the same place where they were before it happened. And I have to accept that the physical evidence is the most significant part because it has changed me. My insides are altered to the point of being unrecognizable. Even my outside is different. The mirror shows my pale face and the big dark circles that the terrible nights I've had had left under my eyes. My eyes… so dark in contrast to what my skin looks like… so pale.

It seems more appropriate to concentrate on the feeling of hopelessness instead of letting me sink into the memories that are even more horrible.

Suddenly I notice the soft carpet on my knees and then on the palms of my hands, and finally, against the skin of my wet cheek. I hope to pass out, but unfortunately for me I'm more that conscious and it is atrocious. I feel like if it was me the one shoot on the chest, so hard that the bullet have completely removed my heart away. And I'm left here with the deep unhealed wound throbbing harshly. The waves of pain rose and swept my mind, sinking me in the cold, and I stay there, I don't fight to go back to the surface.

TO BE CONTINUE...

AN: SO THIS IS LIKE THE DUEL OF IT. NEXT CHAPTERS: HER FRIENDS TRY TO HELP HER OUT OF THE APPARTMENT. WHY WILL SHE END UP IN THE HOSPITAL AGAIN? SHE HAS TO GO BACK TO WORK, AND WHO WILL SHE FIND THERE... THEY NEED A NEW DETECTIVE. COMING NEXT...