AN: finally vacations! I'll update this one every day! And I'll keep working on the other ones.

D: L&O SVU and charachters are not mine.

Chapter 16: Loneliness

SONG: WHEN YOU'RE GONE- Avril Lavigne

The light surround us as we embrace each other by Alice's statue; he is petting my hair as I watch a couple of birds flying in the air and so I notice there is no snow; it's a nice summer day.

"You know? I always needed time on my own." I tell him stroking his arm that rests around my waist.

"Always?"He asks me.

"Yes. I use to like my loneliness. But I have to admit that right now I just want be with you. I don't want to wake up again."

"You know you will wake up, right?" His words cause instant chills in my body. I'm aware that I'm with him because I'm dreaming, but it is the only way that manages to keep me alive. Perhaps I'm going crazy, and maybe I will never be sane, but if being crazy is the only human possible way I can be with him ... I don't really care on losing my mind.

"I hate that." And just like that the day starts to be gray and cloudy and the rain starts to fall. I can hear it in the distance. I open my eyes, and here I am, in my room, on the bed where one day he was lying and where he is supposed to be. I wait expecting the stun and the pain to appear. I know pain will come back at anytime. But I hope the stun comes with it. I've broken my own rules. I've let the memories come close to me; I went to meet him rather than avoiding it. I've been hearing his voice with total clarity in my delusions and therefore, I'm sure I'm going to pay for it; especially if the stunning fails in coming back to protect me.

Despite how much I try not to think about him, I'm conscious that I'm not trying to forget about him either.. At night, when the exhaustion from lack of sleep knocks me down, I worry about the fact that everything seems to be fading, my mind is unable to recall the exact shade of blue in his eyes, or the feeling of his warm skin, or even the texture in his voice. I shouldn't think of all this, but I need to in order to stop forgetting.

At the end of the day if I've locked myself in my apartment, the only reason I feel more trapped than ever in my home, is precisely because I'm against any change. I've lost contact with the outside world, without counting food distributors and Alexandra who calls me every morning to ask how I am ... is almost always the same conversation and yet she keeps calling.

I don't know exactly how much time has passed, it can be days or weeks, maybe even months; but I do not care. All I can ask of life is exactly that: losing track of time completely.

I bury my nose in his white cotton shirt, and the familiar smell hit me immediately. The overwhelming grief closes my stomach. I knew the pain would soon return. I feel the burn in my chest intensifying again. I feel a horrible tingle down my throat threatening to suffocate me just as all previous mornings. Aside from the low murmur of my freezer and an occasional creaking of the pipes in the building, silence reigns. I know… I am alone. An arcade of bile rises in my throat and I run as fast as I can to the bathroom where I let myself down to my knees over the toilet… again. Sometimes I only walk around the rooms of the apartment; other times, without realizing it, I'm eating something my freezer still keeps or a slice of the pizza I barely remind ordering the day before. Then at early mornings the bile will attack me and I end up here, kneeling on the cold bathroom floor.

I shut down the toilet and flush it away trembling with the cold of the floor. I stand up with a little help of the sink and rinse my mouth with cold water. I see in the mirror and there is the zombie which I've turn in to.

Like all the early mornings, I begin to wander from room to room while I sip salty tears. My eyes are sore and the night seems unending. Nowhere in the house gives me the slightest consolation, his clothes are still lying on the floor, his glass of wine still in the cabinet where he had left it. I breathe a deep sigh; I rinse the tears and try to regain some common sense thinking that he would not have approved this at all. Like every night in recent weeks, I achieved to lie down somewhere and I fell in a deep sleep just before dawn.

Every day I wake up uncomfortably twisted in a different place: today it was the couch's turn. I hear in the distance the sound of the phone ... a concerned friend. She probably thinks I do nothing but sleep, because no one calls me while I'm wandering listlessly around the house like a zombie, recording rooms looking for ... whatever I'm trying to find.

"Yes?" I sleepily replied, my voice is hoarse from mourn, but I don't really bother to try on hiding it.

"Oh sorry I woke you up Liv?" A worried Alex asks through the line. Every morning she calls to know if I've survived the night. Always afraid to wake me up but nevertheless relieved to hear me breathe safely. And it is her call which makes me know that I've faced the night ghosts again.

"No, I was just lying on the couch." I try to take the blame off her. Why her familiar voice always manages to fill my eyes with tears? I can picture her face furrowed with concern, that wrinkled in her forehead that always is formed by the concerns. But that just help me remember the reason why she is worried.

"It is a nice day. The snow is not falling. Some fresh air won't hurt." She tries to encourage me. She doesn't seem to understand that since the day that my best friend was gone no amount of makeup, fresh air or shopping will help me.

"I guess ... but no thanks. I'm fine." I try to ensure her. Perhaps it is not a lie anymore considering that I'm really beginning to get used to my state of constant daze ... my crazy life. My zombie me.

"Ok then. Call me if you change your mind."

"Sure. Thanks anyways."

"No need to thank. I'll call you tomorrow." She announces. I hang up and try to stand on my feet. I lose my balance a few seconds so I just close my eyes and go back to lie on the couch. One breeze slips under the door and I can smell his aroma and feel his warmth. Perhaps it is only another hallucination but can lie on his chest and feel his arm. If I could tell him how I feel, but no one else is here.

"The days feel like years when I'm without you ... I need you so much right now. I need to hear your words, those that used to help me to get through the day. I never felt so devastated before. I miss you, Elliot." I'm not sure if I said it out loud.

"You must keep going, Liv." I hear his voice with vivid clarity. Am I sleeping again?

"I try so hard but I can barely breathe ... I need to feel you here with me."

"I'm here with you." I curl up in his arms and he places his hand on my abdomen. I close my eyes and let myself fall into a deep sleep.

TO BE CONTINUE ...

NEXT: AN SPECIAL DATE HAS ARRIVED SO ALEXANDRA DECIDES TO GO TO OLIVIA'S APARTMENT. WHAT WILL SHE FIND AND HOW WILL SHE DEAL WITH IT? ALEXANDRA'S POVS.