Sorry for the long pause between updates. I had a bit of a writer's block, but I think I know where I am headed now! Thanks for all the lovely comments. Again, I do not own The twilight Saga! Let me know what you think please! Same warning still all apply
Edward
My mind was taking longer to catch up with my body. I entered the room that Bella was sleeping, she looked different. Curled up in a ball but with a pained expression on her face. How had I not noticed this? Keeping Bella safe seemed to be the best and worse job in the world, but I never imagined I would have to keep her safe from herself.
I could see the edges on the bandages poking out from under her shirt. I shuddered at the vision of her doing this. I had seen it so clearly in Alice's mind. Bella curled in a ball on her bathroom floor, a pool of blood around her. She looked so helpless, breaking her heart in front of my sister. I should have been there. Of course, I deserve the pain I was feeling at this image but Bella did not deserve this. It was my fault, and she could not deny this.
Be strong Edward
I heard Carlisle think. I am so grateful he was there to support her and there was no emotion in his mind other than worry. Jasper was suffering too. He could feel everyone's anxiety and my pain so clearly. He was also blaming himself for not noticing the change in Bella's emotions, but he was trying to sooth Alice, who seemed, very unusually, numb and frightened. Carlisle was running through the conversation with Bella in his head, and searching for clues in her lack of words. I tried to avoid hearing this, I needed to understand from Bella, completely untainted from others opinions.
"What do I say?" I whispered, only loud enough for my family to hear. It was Esme I heard the loudest
Just show your love and support Edward. We can work the rest out later. We are here if you need us.
Esme's advice was the one I wanted to take right now. She has been here, in this terrible place. The situations may be different, but it is the closest I have. I walked over to Bella and placed my hand on her cheek.
"Bella?" I said quietly not wanted to scare her. She opened her eyes quickly and the panic was evident.
"Edward" She choked out before the tears started to flow out of her already puffy eyes.
"Shh, Bella its ok, I am here now" I pulled her into my chest and hugged her as tight as I dare. She seemed to want nothing more than to embrace me and never let go. We sat like this for over 10 minutes, she was silently sobbing into my shoulder and I stroked her hair. But I knew we had to talk. I reluctantly pushed her onto the sofa and I sat cross legged facing her, she mimicked my position and I took her hands in mine.
"Bella?" She looked at me through her watering eyes "Don't be scared. I am here for you"
"You know?" It was more a statement than a question but I answered anyway.
"Yes. Why Bella?" I stroked her hand, I didn't want her to think I was angry at her. I knew too well now how her mind worked. But she only shrugged. "Please talk to me. I am not angry or disappointed or anything else you are worrying about. I just want to help you"
"I don't know what to say. I just feel sad sometimes I guess" She was playing this down.
"Bella, everyone gets sad sometimes but people don't cut themselves when they do" She cringed at my words and hid her face "I'm sorry. That didn't mean to sound harsh. What I meant was, there is something deeper here"
"Maybe. I can't explain" She whispered
"Try. Please" I begged
"Where is Alice?"
"Upstairs with Jasper, why?"
"Is she angry with me?" Concern was etched across her face
"No of course not! She is worried about you, we all are" I realised what I said as the words left my mouth.
"All?!"
"Yes. I am sorry Bella. We don't have secrets, you know that. It is nothing to be embarrassed about, we all just want to help"
She pulled her knees but to her chest and her breathing accelerated. She was crying harder than I had ever seen before. I was frozen, I didn't know what to do.
Edward, she is having a panic attack just speak to her calmly, bring her to the present.
Carlisle was thinking. He must be listening to any change in Bella's vitals. I did as he said.
"Bella, look at me. Take deep breaths, you are safe. Look at me" She final obeyed "Well done. You are safe here. Nothing is going to happen" I repeated myself over and over as she took deep breaths staring into my eyes. It seemed to be working. After a few minutes she loosened her grip on her knees and composed herself.
"Can Alice come in?" She asked me, though I didn't understand why
"Of course," Alice opened the door as soon as I gave permission. She obviously saw this coming. She approached with worry and love in her eyes and thoughts. She walked over to Bella and pulled her into a hug. After a few moments, Alice pulled an armchair to sit directly in front of us.
"I am so sorry Alice. I feel so ashamed. This isn't your problem"
"Actually Bella, it is. You are my sister, so therefore it is my problem. You want me to help you explain right?" Her eyes were so kind, I owe Alice so much for being so gentle and thoughtful.
"Yes please"
"You need to jump in though Bella, I can only comment on what you have said and I have seen, ok?" Bella nodded. I couldn't work out why she could tell Alice and not me, but this wasn't about my feelings.
"So, after I walked in on Bella, I asked her to show me the rest" I flinched away from the memory I saw in Alice's mind. She was covered in cuts and scars. "Sorry, I am trying not to think of the memory" Bella understood what was going on, and I am assuming that's why Alice spoke aloud, hoping that Bella would jump in.
"Carry on Alice please" I said
"Then Bella told me she had been doing it since we left, and it hasn't really stopped. Bella said her life is perfect but she is more depressed than ever" Alice perfectly recited "And I ask if she wanted to kill herself, but" She paused obviously struggling "She couldn't answer me, so I am assuming that's a yes, even though that's not what she told Carlisle"
"Bella?" I was hoping this broke down the barriers enough for her to start talking
"Yes. That is all true" She exhaled loudly and stared at her hands
"Why couldn't you tell me that?"
"Because it's too hard. I know you are going to blame yourself, but you shouldn't. I couldn't hurt you. This is my problem not yours"
"Bella, this started because of me, of course it's my fault" She tried to interrupt but I stopped her "And of course it is my problem, you are my life Bella"
"But you are back now, it would have stopped if that were the reason"
"Why do you do it Bella? Maybe we could work out a plan around the why?" Alice suggested
"I guess I get so overwhelmed and then when I … you know"
"Cut yourself to pieces?" Alice commented, I shot her a look
"It's not that bad" Bella argued
"Bella, it is bad" Alice said
"Carry on" I prompted Bella
"I guess it just makes me feel better for a little while" Bella was being so honest and brave, this must be so hard.
"It dangerous though. You can say it's not my fault, but we both really know it is. I am never going to leave you again Bella, please believe that"
"Carlisle thinks Bella is ill Edward, you can't control that, it's not your fault" Alice was trying to make two people feel better here, but I wanted to focus on Bella.
"Later Alice. Bella, I am so sorry you are going through this, and I will be there for you. You can tell me anything, I promise. But on this occasion, I am going to have to tell Charlie, or Carlisle can, or of course you can" Alice nodded in agreement with me.
"No, Edward, NO!" Bella shouted and jumped off the sofa. "No, you can't, it would destroy him. Please I will stop, I will do what you want, but not that. Please no"
"Alice has already seen it happen. He is upset about it, but not angry with you" That was putting it lightly, he would be devested but he would be thankful we told him.
"No, I mean it. You can't do this, please" The tears were coming fast now. I could feel her panic rising, worse than before. Carlisle and Jasper came through the door. Jasper calmed the atmosphere whilst my father consoled Bella. He was very good at it and the combination worked.
Sorry Edward for the intrusion, but I could hear things getting out of hand. I agree with you about telling Charlie, but Bella is adamant. I think we should go and tell him, with Alice, he likes her.
"I can't leave her" I said it so quietly to Carlisle that human ears wouldn't hear.
I am going to give Bella a sedative. We use them a lot in the ER, just to relax her so she can sleep properly. This kind of stress can damage a person in more ways than one.
I gave Carlisle a quick nod and fetched the medication from his study and a glass of water. I passed Esme who gave me a hug.
Your doing so well Edward. I will make Bella a tea
"Decaf mom" Esme nodded at me. I want Bella to sleep not be even more hyped up.
When I came back in the room, Alice was pulling Bella into her side and she seemed calmer. I handed the tablets to Carlisle.
"Bella, will you take this for me? It's just something to take the edge off all this upset ok?" She looked suspicious but took them all the same.
After a few minutes Esme bought in Bella's tea and bought her a blanket. I could see she was relaxing and slowly dozing off. I kissed her on the head and left her with Esme. Carlisle and Alice followed me.
"You both did so well" Carlisle praised us
"I can't leave her in this state, we have to tell Charlie, we have to do something" I could feel myself becoming hysterical
"Edward, calm please. We will help her, and I agree that Charlie needs to know. Its 5pm, he should be home soon and wondering where Bella is. Let's make our way they, and decide what we are going to say. Alice you need to join us, Charlie respects you" Alice nodded at the request.
