AT: THANKS FOR READING. I´M TRYING TO MAKE THE CHAPTERS LARGER SO ACTUALLY THIS ARE TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE.

D: LAW AND ORDER SVU AND ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.

CHAPTER 20- POSSIBILITY

It feels as if someone had injected ice-cold water in my veins; as if my blood was frozen. The time stops. I can see the doctor moving his lips, perhaps articulating what should be words, but I just struggle to understand the last two words I really heard: "your baby".

Half my brain is trying to organize the facts and the memories. I try to mix them with those two words. While the other half of my brain, the one that is responsible for controlling the movements of each of my body´s muscles, is so stunned I'm sure it can´t perform any function. I can´t move my lips to speak, but I need to ask so many questions. I can´t separate my gaze from the wall because I'm really not seeing anything. I don´t even know if I'm still breathing... at least not consciously. The only thing that comes to my mind is that beautiful possibility of a little someone growing inside of me. But despite that hope begins to born in my mind, something stops me ... that burning in my chest reappears reminding me of the fear and pain I´ve suffered after the last time I allowed myself to conceive hopes of happiness. What if it is not true? What if I let myself believe just to fall into a bottomless void? Could this come near to kill me at some point? Maybe it just would leave me dying again with even more pain? I cannot go through that ... not again.

:

CASEY´S POV

I´m with Fin in the waiting room. He was the only one who answered me when I call as the ambulance arrived at Olivia´s. I can see the concern in his face. I´m concern myself. I fear for her.

The high hills are listened towards us and I turn around to find Alexandra walking out the aisle. I try to decipher her face, something between anger and sadness but the relief is there. I approach her with doubt.

"She is fine but…"

"What´s wrong?" In the blink of an eye Fin is already standing by our side.

"Isn´t Huang here yet?" I just shake my head. Alexandra call him thinking he will be useful.

"What happened, Alex?" Fin insists. Alex just sighs and walks up to one of the sofas.

"She didn´t try to kill herself. She just fall asleep." I feel a big relief for a moment. I thought, for a moment, that she wasn´t going to be with us ever again. "Dr. Beresford asked me to leave cause she kind of in an emotional shock."

"Why" I ask her.

"I said something I, maybe, shouldn´t have said to her." Alex says with a worried expression.

"What did you say to her?" Odafin demands to know. Alexandra just shakes her head.

"Let's wait till Huang arrives." Is evident she doesn´t want to share it with us.

OLIVIA´S POV

"Olivia." A light dazzles me while I hear my name. "Liv, can you hear me?" I look around and find the doctor in front of me. I try to clear my mind again to answer him back.

"Yes." I blink a few times.

"You are fine." He ensures me. "But I want to know how do you feel?" I breathe for air, apparently I really had forgotten to keep breathing. The doctor raises one of his blond eyebrows so his forehead deepen a little. It recalls me about the night they found me. His expression was the same.

"Tired." I finally answer back, without really knowing what else to say.

"That is normal. It's the second time this month I've to treat you, Olivia." I shake remembering that night.

"I'm sorry." I say with some concern.

"No, I wasn´t searching for an apologize. I know what happened. What you are going through is really difficult. I know." I can feel his hand on my shoulder and his look on my face. I turn up to see him and a slight smile appears on his face. "I´m sorry for your lost."

"Thank you." I can´t say more. I appreciate his words but I´m the only one that really knows what I went through ... what I´ve been suffering.

"Now, Olivia, about what Alexandra said, is there a good possibility that you are pregnant?" He asks me. I stop to think for a second trying not to go further. I try to make the numbers in my mind, but I really don´t know what date is today. I don´t even remember the date of my last period.

"I don´t know." I say with a little fear.

"Ok let me see. Alexandra told me that you've eaten a lot, you're exhausted and you have morning sickness." I try to concentrate again, the fog is dense in my mind for the last days of my life all I can remember is the pain, I have not really thought about myself. I just can remember that I thought my body rejected life. I remember having fallen asleep constantly in everyplace of my house, and I remember waking up in the bathroom.

"I think so."

"Do you want the test to find out for sure?" He asks me and something inside me just yells me to do it, but there is a part of me that doesn´t want to let this illusion appeared in the slightest.

"Go ahead, Liv." And suddenly I hear Elliot´s voice, as clear and strong as if he was really here. I see the doctor who is still expecting for an answer. He hasn´t here it for sure, but for me is so real. It´s been so long since I listen him that clear.

"Yes, do it." I say as sure as I can be. Dr. Beresford smiles before walking away from me. I look as he reaches a cabinet and opens a drawer. A syringe, a needle and a test tube. He puts on a pair of latex gloves and comes back to me.

"It will not hurt." He ensures me friendly. He cautiously takes my arm and stretches it toward him. I feel just a slight pinch on my skin. It doesn´t really hurt. I do not think anything will hurt me again compared to the "wound" on my chest. I sometimes think something is seriously injured in there. I focus on the syringe as it is filled with a deep red color liquid. And it just takes that to make the blurred image of the last time I saw that intense color. Elliot.

"Hold it." The doctor´s voice takes me back from the memory. He is holding a cotton against my arm so I deduce that is what he wants me to hold. "Your vitamins and defenses are low." He says while observing the blood in the tube

"You know that juts by seen it." I ask.

"Yes. Because of the color of your blood and you are pale too." He explains while taking care of the sample. "You hadn't been eating healthy, had you?"

"I don´t think so. My diet has always included fast food." I say. I´m not sure what I´ve been eating these last days, but I know I´ve never been a healthy eater.

"Well, I´ll send this to the lab. Your results will be here by tomorrow or the day after. For today I will just prescribe you a couple of vitamins and better alimentation." He says as he takes out small notebook from the table and begins to write. "Please try get some sleep. What happened today is very dangerous." He says with evident seriousness in his voice. I feel guilty for causing an unnecessary scare to the people who cares about me. And I will certainly follow the doctor´s advices.

"Yes. I know." I say without much encouragement.

"You can go today Liv. I´ll let your friend know." I notice how he is ready to leave the room.

"Hey." I stop him. "uhm… thank you doctor...ahm…"

"Beresford." He gently reminds me his last name. "You can call me Kyle."

"No, I think doctor Beresford is better. Thanks"

"Nothing to thank detective Benson." He smiles at me and leaves the room.

I have not had much time alone as Alexandra and Casey entered the room. They give me clean clothes and I just put them on automatically, like a robot.

What do you say if we go for a coffee?" Casey proposed in the silence of the room. At this point I do not know what I should do. My mind is occupied in blocking any thought about "my possible baby " and perhaps be in the company of real people will be a good way to distract myself from that and other thoughts.

"Shall we?" Alex asks me with a little caution. I don´t really know what she thinks of me right now ... maybe, not to blame her, she thinks I've gone mad. So I try to seem a little less zombie.

"Yes, sure." But hearing my own voice I realize that I can´t do much. It is dry and slightly off. It was more vivid when talking with doctor Beresford though. Both of them look at me but they say no more and we just get out of the room to meet Fin and Huang talking out in the waiting room. I think I must try harder to hide my zombie form and seem a little more human.

"Liv, hey how do you feel?" Fin asks me approaching with a smile on his face. I try to lift the corners of my lips

"I´m fine." It's not a lie but it is not totally truth.

"You scared us." He says letting his hand touch my arm.

"Im sorry it was not my intention." I explain.

"I know. Don´t worry we are all here for you." Huang approaches and looks me closely. He is trying to psychoanalyze me, I think. Does that bothers me?.

"Hello." I say trying to distract him from his zombie-analysis process.

"Hi Liv. I'm glad you're better." I just limit myself to answer with a "smile" and prefer to start walking towards the exit sign.

:::::

We arrive at a cafe in the city. It is a rare occasion when we all are able to get together somewhere. It always is in the first place we find, but let's say this is a rare occasion.

"Oh I remember this place." Fin says as we enter the coffee shop. "We made you that surprise welcome party in here." He says looking at Alexandra.

"Yes." She answers. I stop at the entrance of the place and start to explore it with my eyes ... a couple of tables with cozy chairs and low lights, a former coffee machine decorating the counter and at the bottom a small stage with a microphone. I perfectly remember that party as if it had been yesterday. We had worked on a difficult case, and the first one for Alexandra on the unit. I remember well how we plan it; I chose this place.

"Don´t you want to sing Liv?" Fin says pointing to the microphone. I sit down and look at him with discomfort. Is he mocking at the last time I stood on that little stage? My voice is not something I can brag about, but that day at that party I didn´t. I felt comfortable being surrounded by loved ones. I went on stage and I started to sing, I can´t really remember now what song it was but I do remember that I was happy.

"No thank you." I answer. A waitress comes over and I get lost in the movement of his pen as he writes down our order. I remember the picture in my apartment. The photo Alex took of us. Right here. And the pain is back.

"Be strong." I listen to his voice again, so clear that I look around trying to find him. I know he is not here but… I just look around.

"What can I offer you?" I listen to the voices around me but they are unclear. "Miss?" I hear the voices in the distance while trying to dispel my pain.

"Liv ... Olivia." To hear my full name brings me back.

"What?"

"Do you want a coffee?" I feel everybody´s gaze on me. I look at the waitress.

"No thanks." I turn towards Alex. "I´m going home. I really need some sleep." I try to sound good but tired. I see her face gets an expression of frustration but before she could utter a word Fin interrupts.

"I´ll take you." He says friendly.

"I'm sorry. I tell her before leaving the place with fin.

TO BE CONTINUE ...

AN: DR. BERESFORD IS A REAL CHARACTER OF SVU. JUST SO YOU KNOW. IN CASE YOU WANT TO GOOGLE HIM. :) LET ME KNOW WHAT DO YOU THINK.