AN: I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW SHORT THE CHAPTERS TO THIS STORY ARE. SO I WILL POST 2 FOR EVERY UPLOAD.

AN2: THE SONG TO THIS CHAPTER IS "LOVE YOU TILL THE END" FROM PS I LOVE U MOVIE SOUNDTRACK.

D: LAW AND ORDER SVU AND ALL ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.

25. THE AWAKING

Munch looks at me with a sad expression. He lets out a big sight from the bottom of his chest.

"I'm not going to lie." He expresses with that look of his. "It is difficult." Odafin's words come back to my head remembering me they lose him too. They were there too. Maybe I aren't as strong as I felt this morning. Maybe I'm weaker that I can accept.

"Can you walk in with me?" I ask him with scare in my voice. He looks at me and smiles as he offers me his arm. I accept it and hug it as we walk towards the precinct's entrance. I feel stronger clung to his arm. I believe that facing it is the best way to move forward. Though, if I'm wrong, is it is not. The fear invades me immediately because if it is not the way to move on then all t will do is throw me back to the zombie I was. Or lowest. And if there is a lowest point I can't even imagine how terrifying it is. Could I be able to handle lowest? It might be like dying in life.

My body freezes at the entrance. Even with Munch trying to walk further I can't move with him. My eyes flies to the place where it all happened. I bite my inferior lip and can't fight the image back. The edges of my wound start burning. My head starts spinning vigorously. I feel Munch supporting me with strength. At least I waited for him to arrive. At least I'm not alone. Munch's here. He is keeping me from falling back down. Of breaking again. I'm glad I waited a little for someone to appear. Now, instead of letting myself fall and break into hundred pieces I can hold on him. I know there is no justification to let him see me in fetal position down in the floor, so I just hug him. The burning tears escaping from my eyes as I fight the burn in my chest. I fight the fall down. He just hugs me strongly helping a whole bunch.

"I'm here." I listen to Elliot's voice. Stronger and clearer than in any of my dreams. It's so real it makes me separate from Munch's hug and turn to his desktop… empty desktop. It is totally empty. A strange fear and anger invades me at such a scene. I turn to see Munch.

"Where are them? Where are his things?" I ask him as he just looks down to the fallen donuts. "John?" I insist not carrying a bit for his stupid donuts.

"We put them in boxes. His son will come for them this week."

"Where are them?" I ask again wanting an answer to my actual question.

"Upstairs at the cribs." He finally answers looking towards the cribs. I have this strong impulse to run towards the place and verify they are there. Perhaps they will help me as a way to remember him. To not let him vanish in my memories. The last weeks all I've seen of him is that blue shirt. I need more. "Liv." I listen at Munch calling me but I'm already climbing the stairs. I hurry to open the cribs door and I get inside in desperation. I look around and find them aside the lockers. A not so big paperboard box filled with his stuff, and a guitar landing softly against it. The memories invading me again. I can listen to our conversation clear in my mind.

' "A guitar Elliot?" I asked him when I found him upstairs with the guitar in his hands. Three in the morning, both all alone in the precinct with bunches of paper work and he had decided to disappear into the cribs out of nowhere.

"Yes. I can sing you know?" He says as he moves in the bed taking a position ready to play the instrument. "It's been a while, so don't laugh." Yup he was going to sing. "This one is for you." He declares as he starts passing his hand through the strings. The melody starts and I can't do much than sit and listen.

Just want to see you
When you're all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I can't escape
I love you 'till the end"

I'm able to listen to the guitar melody and his singing voice as if he was really here. Just as that night. And the hole in my chest starts burning with eager, making me remember it is all in my memories. Taking me to this stupid reality of mine. My head starts spinning again… actually the whole room is spinning around me. My balance is soon lost and I let myself down in the nearest bed. I think this is more than I can handle. I just wait for the pain to appear and, with some luck, maybe the doze will come back too. But in its place, instead of my chest tearing me apart, my stomach is the one to answer. I fell how the bile runs up burning my esophagus. I manage to take my hands to my mouth as a mere reflex. I stand as quick as I can and I think this time I won't be able to reach to a safe place. And I don't.

"Olivia? Oh no!" I can hear Munch's voice behind me but I'm more than busy trying not to suffocate in here than in answering him back. His cold hand in my forehead helps. "Calm down." He says and soon I do.

"Coffee…ugh." I say as my mouth is filled with an awful taste of vomited coffee. Munch kind of laughs as he gives me a tissue.

"Stolen coffee." He mocks a little. "And donut." Just thinking on the donut makes me feel sick again.

Finally I'm sit in my chair. I have no idea how I get here but I'm here. I look at my desktop realizing everything is just as I left it. I force myself to look away not wanting to find the empty desktop in front of me.

"Here" Munch says offering me a glass of water. I accept it and take it to my mouth immediately wanting to vanish the horrible taste. I still feel dizzy and nauseous. If I had something more than an empty stomach I would keep throwing up. "Better?" He asks not taking his eyes from me. I just nod.

"Liv?" A familiar voice calls me making me turn around to find Cragen getting inside the office.

"Hey." I manage to talk.

"What are you doing here?" He asks that silly question again.

"I work here." And I answer back the same silly answer.

"Yeah sure, but…" I look how he fights to find his words. "I wasn't expecting to see you today. How are you?" He asks getting closer to me.

"I'm… the stupid donuts just hate me." I guess I don't look exactly fine so I decide to explain.

"If you eat them in that desperate way…." Munch says faking to be mad.

"I'm sorry, John. I was really hungry. Ok?" I try to apologize for robbing him the way I did.

"No hard feelings." He forgives me.

"Here you are!" Alexandra is heard from the office entrance. I look at her and the way she hurries to my side makes me dizzier. "Gosh! Please let me know when you've decided to leave your confinement because I swear you just gave me the scare of a lifetime!" She leans down to look at me in the eye. "How are you? You look awful! Do you want to go back home?"

"Alex!" I stop her. "I'm fine!"

"Well… you don't look exactly fine." Fin's voice appears out of nowhere. I just let out a big sight.

"Leave her alone, guys." Don decide to defend me. "Munch, please pick up the donuts. Tutuola, you should be in the hospital waiting for the Harrison guy to wake up." Everyone keeps silence and decide to follow Cragen's orders. I just wait and see if he has something for me but he just disappears into his office. Alexandra decides to take a sit in the chair settled beside my desktop somehow calmer. She looks in the inside of her purse looking for something. I just look at her as I keep drinking the water. Finally she takes out a little box from the inside and she puts it on my desktop in front of me.

"What's that?" I ask her keeping my eyes on the box.

"Pregnancy test." She answers in a really low voice.

Ch 25 A light.

Just to listen to the words makes me understand her intentions. I feel my blood freeze inside my veins, from the tip of my toes to my head. I can't separate my eyes from that little box and I can swear it is getting bigger every passing second. I've promised to keep the possible pregnancy issue locked inside the imaginary box under the protection of a hundred of locks and a big chain. But now it just seems that all that protection is so weak in the strong presence of that pregnancy test.

"Liv? Not again." I can listen to Alexandra's voice. I try to focus and I'm able to feel her hands in mi shoulders as she shakes me a little bit. I force myself to run away of my own thoughts as fast as I can. I can't take the time to lock the box inside but I leave it there.

"Sorry." I say as I look at Alexandra's worried look. I feel so selfish again.

"Don't scare me." She reproaches.

"I'm sorry." I repeat. "Is just that I wasn't expecting this." I explain as simple as I can.

"Oh. It's ok. If you don't feel like doing it right now you can try it later." I look at her taking the little box ready to put it back in her purse with evident disappointment in her eyes. I can see it even when she tries to hide it. I know her so well. I know all of them quite well. My heart aches as I remember that ALL of them no longer contemplates one particular person. My eyes are soon filled by tears even if I fight them back.

"No." Alexandra expresses as she notices the tears. "Don't cry. I'm sorry." Guilt is written in her eyes.

"I'm fine. I… I actually need to use the ladies' room." I express thinking that maybe some alone time will help. And the water kind of run me quick. With an empty stomach that's no surprise. Maybe I can do as she wishes just to make her happy. Maybe it won't make a difference.

"Do you feel sick?" She asks with doubt in her expression.

"No. Alex… I need to GO." I say trying to make her understand my intentions.

"Oh…" and judging by her sudden smile she does. She takes my hand and I just let her drag me to the ladies' room. Once in there she takes the little box and offers it to me.

"Here, the instructions say..." She starts to explain the usage of the little stick.

"I know how to use one." I express giving her a glare. "We've been here before remember?" I tell her trying to make her remember how few years ago I used to date a reporter and one night he invited Alexandra, Odafin and me to a famous fifth avenue bar. It was a great night and the one and only that I spent with that reporter. Drunker than I should've been and as stupid as if I was college girl… I didn't use protection. "You are an SVU detective!" I remember Alexandra´s scolding me as soon as I told her. "Protection comes with you always!" She would scold me even when I was fucking scared of getting a disease. "What if you are pregnant?" And she remembered me the other issue I should have been worried about. Back then she made sure to get a pregnancy test and of course she almost dragged me to Melinda's lab to take all the test I needed. I remembered doing the pregnancy test inside of the restroom of a Chinese restaurant. Of course back then it been negative was a big relief. But now…

"Go ahead." She insists opening the restroom door for me. I look at her and decide to do as I'm told. I get inside the little restroom and prepare to do it. I listen to her hills as she walks from one side to another out there. I focus my eyes in the blue plastic door as I wait for my body to do it. This restrooms are too little. I've always hate them. Since my first day here. My memories attacking again.

"That took long." Elliot says as I step out of the ladies' room.

"It's difficult to sit in there. Those are really small." I explain giving him a glare.

"I told you." He decides to answer back. "You have to go before stepping out of your house."

"I do." I let him know I've actually followed his advice. "But you know, the coffee just…"

"Runs you. I know." And he interrupts me finishing my sentence himself.

"Let's go." I tell him as I walk towards the unit's office, knowing he is following me with his usual cocky smile.

"Olivia?" Alexandra's voice bring me back to reality. "Ready?" I notice actually yes, I'm ready.

"Coming." I let her know without much encouragement. I haven't finished to give one step out the little restroom when she is already all over me. I walk away to the sink and put the little stick in there and I just focus on washing my hands letting the cold water run down my skin. Alex keeps walking around and I just look at her come and go through the mirror reflection. She is starting to stress me and the minutes insist in pass slower than ever.

"I think… I think it's ready." She says walking to the test and it hits me. I suddenly understand why she is so anxious. What are we actually about to find out. The thought escapes from the box inside my mind without asking for my permission and the anxiety attacks me. I look at her and just let her do it because right now my legs won't work. I just stay still trying to read her expression but she doesn't really makes one.

"So?" I finally find my voice. She looks at me and a small smile appears in her face.

"It's negative." She announces me.

To be continued…

AN: I DON'T REALLY HAVE MUCH TO DO AT JOB IN THE HOLIDAYS SO I WILL KEEP TRADUCING THIS STORY AND HOPEFULLY I'LL BE ABLE TO UPLOAD IT ALL. THANKS TO THE READERS OUT THERE.