AN: I DON'T KNOW WHY BUT IT WAS UPLOADED IN A BAD FORMAT. LETS TRY IT AGAIN.
D: LAW AND ORDER SVU ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.
CHAPTER 26. COME BACK
"It's negative." She announces making a huge hole slowly appear in my stomach. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react. I don't know if I feel disappointed, sad, angry or if I actually feel nothing. The way I felt of intrigue and anxiety is vanishing at the same time the hole in my stomach keeps growing until it reaches the wound in my chest. I focus on stopping that new feeling because I presage it won't be a good one. It can't be called disappointment because I really worked hard not to let any hope grow inside me. It was also locked in that box beside the mare idea of actually been pregnant. But, whatever the name of this feeling is, it is not a positive one. It is more of a strange sadness. Whatever it is I force it back to the box and lock it there.
"Liv." I look at Alexandra but I can't express myself. How can someone express a feeling that can't be explained?
"Well." But she needs an answer. A reaction of some kind.
"We can try another one to make sure." She proposes as she takes out another little box fom her purse. Of course she has another one. I don't really want to try again, though. With one was enough to create a new strange wave of unknown feelings. I'm starting to think I spent way too much time in a zombie state, long enough to now not be able to identify my feelings. And letting them all out all of a sudden can't be good. I don't know how good idea it is to look for a detonator.
"No." I tell her without much encouragement.
"Ok. Your choice." She says as she puts the box inside her purse again. "This are not that precise anyways." She says and I just look at the little stick kind of hating it a little bit. "Didn't Dr. Beresford took blood samples?" She asks making a memory come to the front of my head. The little test tube filled with my red pale blood. Wow, I have really managed to forget everything of that matter as soon as I stepped out the hospital. I try to remember the doctor's instructions about the test tube. He was going to take it to the lab and the results would be ready tomorrow… well today.
"Yes. He did." I answer Alexandra's question now that I've think about it.
"You are slow today." Alexandra says trying not to laugh. I do laugh… or something like that. My brain is still kind of in zombie mood.
"Yes." I accept. "Sorry. He did took the blood and I think the results should be ready… today."
"Are you going to get them?" She asks and I think she is already planning on coming with me. I shrink not really knowing if I have to go to the hospital already. I don't remember the instruction given to me. "We should go." Alexandra says throwing the little used stick into the nearest garbage. She doesn't even stop to wash her hands, she just drags me out of the ladies' room. I try to follow her steps and force myself not to look towards the place it all happened but I fail at it. I take a look at the place and stop to take my breath which suddenly disappears from my longs. My chest hurting again and my eyes feeling with the stupid tears. I try to undo the lump on my throat but it is useless.
"Liv?" Alexandra stops with me and calls me trying to make me keep walking. So I do. I follow her to the elevator. "I'm sorry." She says once we are alone inside. "I didn't want to push with all this pregnancy thing. I just…"
"Don't be. I'm fine." I try to take the guilt out of her.
"You know what. We don't have to go to the hospital." She says with her decided tone. 2Let me take you home." She offers as we arrive to the first floor.
"Not necessary." I tell her. "I need a walk." And I walk out of the building. She follows me until I stop to see her in the eye finding her baby blue eyes filled with tears. "Alex, I'll be fine." I feel like lying but I want her to be calm. I need her to go other way and let me go back to my apartment and maybe to my zombie status. I'd like to go back to my zombie me.
"I don't want to leave you alone." She confesses the obvious.
"Alex. I just need time to heal. Alone time." I insist glad to listen to my voice way stronger than it have been all day. She just nods and tries to smile at me.
"Don't do anything stupid." She commands making me feel desperate. I know her words have a horrible meaning but I don't feel like having the I'm-not-suicidal argue again. I just want to go away from her. So I don't say anything else. I just turn around and walk away from her as quick as I can. Away from her, from the precinct building, from the people in there until I finally feel surrounded by strangers. The pain following me closely.
I look at my surroundings letting my instincts act by themselves. They are already trying to guess where I am and where I'm leading to. There are tens and tens of buildings, well paved streets, shining stop lights and marble statues in some corners. Everything in this city is made of stone. Everything is cold and dark. Even with the daylight it all looks shadowy. It feels like looking for my sun in the middle of a midnight. If I give up here and now I would just fall into the pave and turn into just another statue in this gray world.
Without noticing it Ive arrived to my buildings entrance. I hurry inside and clumsily run upstairs, I get inside my home and make sure to close the door behind me. Despite my great effort I've come back to my hiding place. I let myself down in the floor and sit against the nearest wall trying to inhale all the air I can. My lungs soon filled with cold air and as soon as I let all the air out a big sob is heard from the bottom of my chest filling the whole room. My tears finally get free and the knot on my throat start to lose.
"I can't… I'm not strong enough." I complain to no one in particular. There is no one here to listen to me. To see how much of a failure I am. Now I'm sure the damage is irreversible. I'm never going to be the same again. The fucking wound will stay plain open forever.
"Be strong." His voice is back loud and clear sounding with authority. So real. But who am I kidding. He is not here and this fucking voice is just in my mind. I ignore it and hug my ribs letting the sobs come out as they wish. "Olivia, you are strong." It insists but I keep ignoring it. I try to find the doze I was immersed days before. I want the fog to cover me again. "I'm here." It sounds just like blowing wind in my ears.
"Come back!" I manage to say in between sobbing. If I'm going to keep listening to this voice so loud and clear I should answer back then. "Just come back!"
To be continued...
AN: thanks for reading
