AN: I hope everyone is fine. It's been a very long time (years) since I decided to abandon The fanfic writing and this place. It wasn't a conscious decision, I got older, became a lawyer, got a job and kind of fall out of my fangirlself. Yet, it doesn't feel excuse enough. The world's situation right now that has all of us inside of our houses took me back to my mother's house and... to the time I was a diehard SVU fan. Also, the news about Meloni coming back helped a lot. So I decided to watch SVU again, some old EO chapters and all the seasons I just didn't watch. And I really loved having this feeling back.
So, I came back here to find out how awful unfinished I left some of my stories. And... I feel bad about it. So, Now that I am forced to stay inside and I am jobless... I will finish them. When you're gone is actually finished. I wrote it all in Spanish years and years ago and here I was just traducing (As always sorry for grammar and spelling mistakes) and uploading it, so I decided this is the first one to update. I will translate it all and try to submit the chapters every day.
I have to admit that it will be difficult to return writing Eternity cause I lost the vibe I had back then, but I do remember where I was heading with it so... I will finish it. I'm not that into vampires anymore...
And for Decisions, I was really enjoying that one so I will gladly finish it.
I hope you can take me back. And if you are a new reader, I hope you enjoy it.
D: Law and order SVU and all its characters are not mine. Not money was made out from writing and publishing this story.
CHAPTER 30. SELFISH
I wait on the elevator pacientenly observing the number ascend slowly, nore slow than they have ever ascended. But finally I reach my destination floor. The elevator doors slide open to let me look that familiar corridor. I decide to give the step that takes me out of the elevator and start walking; the people thats moving around me doesnt seem to notice my presence. Somehow I arrive to the office door and take a cautious look around. Something seems different.
—Olivia, you are finally here. — I listen to the voice and my eyes emediately fly to his desk. And there he is, sat down with his back at me concentrated on a bunch of papers.
—Elliot? —My heart stops. He is here.
—Whats up Liv? Are you alright? — He stands up and turns around to look at me with concern in his eyes. —I was worried. —
—Elliot. — Its all I can say. I can not feel my legs. I think Ive stop breathing. Eventhough he is here, right in front of me, I cant believe it.
—Olivia… Where have you been all these days? Why didn't you tell me you were leaving? — he takes me by the arm. Feeling his touch makes me shiver. It is so real. He almost drags me to a corner near to the lockers and keeps his blue eyes immovable from mine. There is some kind of anger in them. — Are you alright? —
I feel the tears starting to run down my cheeks. My hand moves by its own will up to his face in the need of touching him and ensure he is there. The fear of him suddenly desapearing invades me instantly.
—Liv, whats wrong? — He asks taking me into his arms and pressing me against his chest. I start sobbing with a mixed feeling of happiness, fear and confusion invading me.
—Detectives, We have work to do. — I listen to Cragens voice in the background. Elliot separates from me just enough to clean the tears off my cheek with his hand.
—She needs you. — He says as his eyes fly towards the end of the hallway behind me. I look up and turn around to find a horrified woman sat in the floor at the end of the hallway. She is crying out load disconsolately. My chest shivers at such a scene. She is destroyed. I decide to walk towards her.
—Hey. — I talk as I duck to try and see her in the eye. When she takes her eyes to mine I can see the pain and agony she is in. My tears wont stop running down my cheeks eventhough I try to stop them.
—Help me Olivia… Please, help me… — She looks so desperate. I turn around looking for my partners help knowing I will find him behind me.
—Liv, you have to help her. — He says.
Suddenly Im right in the middle of the hallway looking at him in one end of it and at the other end there is the young desperate… victim. The air is heavy around me and I find it difficult to take it inside my longs. I know I have a decision to take between a dark horrible reality and one, somehow, less painful. I stand up and start running towards him.
I wake up. My breathing is agitated and my right hand is pressed against me chest while my left one is holding my weight against the mattress. I fight to recover the missing air in my longs. I look around trying to guess the place and time I am. My bedroom. Everything is just as I remember it ... without him.
I move into a sit position in my bed and try to clear my mind of that strange… nightmare. I know I was expecting to have one, like every night, but… not this one. It's always the same strange dream where I walk alone in the forest and end up undone till the point where I understand that there is nothing to look for. But now it has been so different and vivid. So vivid that I was sure that he was really alive, that I had gone crazy. But now that it is beginning to fade in the middle of the cold morning… it comes clear it was a dream. I try to calm down a few more minutes until I manage to control my breathing and the inevitable tears that are shedding down my face.
As I fell into the inevitable reality the burning in my chest return ... but nevertheless something else crosses my mind before I fell back into bed. That young woman in my dream, that victim whom I had somehow abandoned. And a a feeling I haven't felt for a while invades me. Guilt.
I begin to think about the number of victims that in real life I have abandoned all this time. It is not that I have done it consciously but I have locked myself in my pain and depression that I have ended acting so selfishly…. Again. I know that they really have not been alone. I trust that my colleagues have continued with their work and have brought them justice but… I cannot stop thinking how hard it will have been for them. A job that was used to be done by four people was left with only two. I left them too.
While I keep thinking about the selfish actions I have allowed myself to make the roar of my guts distract me.
—mmm ... I'm hungry— I say out loud. It's strange to hear my own voice again. It seems to me like I haven't heard it in years.
I get out of bed and hurry to my kitchen, I open the fridge and find a couple of eggs and a liter of milk. Maybe Casey provided me with some food which I greatly appreciate. I hurry to get the food out the fridge. I put some oil on a pan and put it on the fire. I crash the eggs inside a bowl and put a little salt on them before pouring it all in the pan. I decide to distract myself by the sound that the oil makes with the heat and I watch how the eggs cook slowly. My stomach roars again with more force. I pour myself some milk in a glass and take one gulp.
I hurry to remove the eggs off the fire even though they are not fully cooked. And with a fork I take a piece of it direct to my mouth. I burn at first but soon it has cooled enough to eat it more calmly.
As I finish breakfast I can't stop thinking that I really must make a great effort to return to my work ... to my life. I walk a little trying to make my decision. a decision that has to be firm and that I must promise to fulfill. But my eyes go stray to the pair of papers on the bedside table. The huge hospital shield reminds me of what, for a moment, I had forgotten ... my hand flies to my belly and I can feel the corners of my lips lift slightly.
—Someone has to pay the bills— I say out loud, taking my decision. After all, if I am going to start eating this way I can't wait for my friends to fill my grief every now and then. I hurry to get into the shower of the other bedroom's bathroom in to avoid any memories that make me fall again. I make my best to look decent and get ready to go back to the station.
The snow has already covered the streets so I drive carefully to find out there is an unknown Ford parked in the place that used to be mine. I sight and keep driving until I find a parking place as close as possible to the entrance. I wouldn't be surprised if someone changed their car without me knowing. I wrap up well before getting out of the car and cautiously walk to the entrance of the building. I manage to reach the elevator before it closes. The image of my dream invades me, but it is somewhat different since I'm not alone. There are a couple of uniformed inside with me. I try to control the burning that fights to come out. I think if I can learn to control it it will be easier.
—Ladies first. — One of the uniforms tells me when I get to the floor. I didn't even realice we've arrived. Maybe because in my nightmare it had taken me forever to get here.
—Thanks. —I manage to say as I get out of the elevator. There is no one in the hall but I hear movement inside the office. I take a deep breath to try and arrive with the best possible face. I go through the pair of doors and I can feel Munch and Fin's gaze on me. I approach to greet them but something distracts me ... a couple of boxes on his desk and a familiar face sitting in his chair.
TO BE CONTINUED
AN: Thank you... very very much for taking your time to read this story. And for taking me back.
