AN: I owned you yesterdays chapter. They are small so I will try to translate and upload 2 everyday.
D: Law and Order SVU and its characters are not mine.
CHAPTER 32. WHY HIM?
Kathy enters the office cautiously. Looking at her causes a hollow in my stomach. She is thinner than I remember her and she has a pair of dark circles under her eyes. She looks at me with evident sadness in her eyes. I know I should say something. Hello maybe? But the words are resigned to leave my mouth.
—Hi Olivia. — she says to me with a subdued tone in her voice.
—Hello. — I finally managed to articulate the word.
—Sorry to interrupt you. I just came to leave Dick. I have to go but he will take his things.— I look up and I can see young Richard standing behind his mother. Waiting at the door. He is bigger than the last time I saw him. Though I don't really remember when it was the last time I had seen him. The image of the family in tears in front of me invades me. I can hear the noise of the drums and see the coffin pass in front of us as if it had only been yesterday. I begin to feel the burning of my chest again
—Where are they? — Dick's strong voice distracts me from my memory.
—In the cribs. — Cragen indicates.
—Well, thank you Don. I have to go I'm late for work. — Kathy apologizes ready to leave, but suddenly she stops and looks at me with that singular look.
—Are you okay Liv? — She asks me with curiosity on her face. And the same dilemma is presented, as always, because physically I am fine but spiritually I feel fatal.
—Yes. — and as always I respond to the physical. Although, now that I think about it, I'm not completely healthy, not even physically. —Been better.—
— I guess. — she nods. —Thank you.— it took a while for her to speak. As if se had a lot to say but could not find the right words. And the truth is that I felt the same way. I am sure that an 'I am sorry' is a phrase they have been hearing a lot in the last weeks.
—Goodbye. —Its all I can say. I can feel Dick watching me sadly as he says goodbye to his mother. With the somewhat uncomfortable situation I prefer to leave the office and walk to my desk but things did not improve because the new detective is there adjusting his things. I drop into my chair and try to disconnect my mind from reality by dropping my head on my desk. The cold memory of that night invades me. I walk again among the trees through the damp grass and I stay there waiting. I remember how Samuel took me in his arms and carried me as if I were a totally inanimate object. I remember Karen's words. 'She doesn't stop saying HE IS GONE'. I feel a little ashamed right now.
I have awfully treated one of the people who saved me that night from freezing to death in the park, and that has, again, been a selfish act. I can't believe he is one of the few people who saw me like that. Bewildered, in a terrible state that just remembering it makes me shudder. Dead would be an inappropriate word ... rather it was a state of agony . I feel how the tears have escaped from my eyes again moistening my arms. I try to focus on retaining them because I really don't want Samuel see me like this.
—Liv. — I feel someone touch my shoulder and a voice extremely similar to Elliot's speaks to me. I immediately raise my face, because it was too real, and I find Dick watching me.
—Oh.. What is it? — I ask, wiping the pair of tears from my cheeks with the sleeve of my coat.
— Sorry. I just wanted to ask you... if you would help me with his things.— he asks with big plead eyes.
—Of course. — I say immediately. It may be a good idea. The last time I wanted to see his things the nausea prevented me of doing so. If I want to see them before his son take them away, this is the perfect opportunity.
I get up from my chair. I can notice Dick's hard gaze towards Samuel as we go up the stairs to the cribs. I hurry to turn on the light and my sight flies to the corner where I remember seeing the little box and the guitar… and there they are, motionless.
—Are them those? — He points out asking me. I just nod as I try to fight the burning in my chest and the lump in my throat. I watch the boy approach them and take the box carefully. He places it on one of the beds and sits without taking his eyes off them. Out of nowhere he brings his hands up to his face and starts crying. A disconsolate cry, uncontrollable sobs come from his throat. I feel useless standing up doing nothing so I approach him cautiously until I manage to touch his shoulder but the only thing I achieve is that he cries even more.
—Why?— he manages to say between tears. He turns to see me with his eyes irritated and full of tears. —Why him, Liv? Why did it have to happen? — The burning in my chest makes an intense presence and the tears slide down my cheeks. However, I do not let myself fall. I manage to duck down to see him in the eye.
—I don't know. — I say, and I hear my voice cut off. I try to clear it up a bit because now he needs a shoulder to lean on.
—I am sorry. — he apologizes trying to calm down. —It's just that ... Liv, I've tried to be strong but I can't anymore. — One more sob comes out uncontrolled in the last words.
—Cry Dickie. You don't have to be strong. Cry. — I hug him and feel him cling tightly to me.
—How can you do it, Liv? ... how do you bear it? —
—Not without a huge effort. There are days that I don't even want to get up but I have to…— I listen to my words as if they were someone else's advice to myself.
—It is not fair. — he complains separating from me —the little time he dedicated to us was… perfect. — He manages to control his breathing and to get up. He takes takes the guitar from the corner. —He taught me how to play. — I don't know what to say so I try to remember some words and the only ones that I can bring back from the back of my mind are those of Munch.
—He is with you Dick. — I say firmly, but he does not tell me anything. Silence floods the room for a few minutes. I peek inside the box and take a photo frame. I look at the photo and know that a smile has been tried to draw on my face. In it is Elliot with a huge smile holding the twins in his arms and with Kathleen and Maureen to one side radiating joy.
— He loved you all so much. — I say without taking my eyes off the photo. He comes closer and sits next to me.
—He also loved you very much. — he says stroking my arm.
TO BE CONTINUED
AN: thanks for reading and letting me know your opinions. :)
