An: hope you are still reading and liking it. This chapter has a little wink wink to eternity. Hope you are safe. My best wishes to all of you. ENAP.

D: law and order SVU and all its characters are not mine.

CHAPTER 42 SCARED

The night is cold, and I can't sleep ... it's not because of nausea, or back pain, it's not even a nightmare ... I can't stop tossing and turning in bed thinking about the words Samuel has said. Now he also knows about my pregnancy. I have no doubt about that. I'm sure he has read my name in the space destined to the patient in the analyses, it is written in capitals and bold. How couldn't he have noticed? I let out a sigh that is heard loudly in my bedroom.

I don't know if I want everyone to know about this. I really think they will be as happy as I should be. Should. It's not that I feel bad or sad about this. Of course not. But I really don't know what to feel. I don't want to give myself into any kind of hope. The last time I let myself be carried by my feelings things didn't go very well. I guess I am scared. I guess.

I have not even gone to the doctor nor do I know how everything is going. I have taken the vitamins Dr. Beresford sent me and I have eaten... well I have eaten too much. And, to tell the truth, I haven't take the time to plan on going to the doctor any time soon. I don't even know who to go to. My thoughts get interrupted by a huge roar that comes from my stomach.

I get out of bed and shuffle my way to my lonely partner in crime. The freezer. I look inside, I really do not look for anything in particular. I just want to get rid of this hunger. So I take what little chicken is left, I can't remember when did I order it but it doesn't smell bad so I decide to eat it. I take out a frying pan and start to heat it. I focus on the oil that jumps desperately, and such a delicious aroma invades my apartment: chicken almost ready to be eaten. I decide to leave it a little longer on the fire while I look in the cupboard for something to accompany it. Maybe some sweet seasoning, or maybe something spicy. But I find nothing, just a white plan bag. I will have to settle with the chicken.

I really don't plan on going outside at this time to freeze in the middle of the snow, so I take out the toaster and put in a couple of slices of bread. I think it would be good if I went to buy the entire pantry tomorrow, because this living-on-ordered-food is no longer a good plan. I keep thinking ... Elliot always complained about it. Since he met me I have been a person who speaks to food services because her refrigerator is always empty, or is simply too lazy to go shopping. I still remember the first time he scold me for that.

"I leave the bathroom surprised to find him snooping in my kitchen. It was not the first time he was in my apartment. I can't say exactly how many times he had been here, but I know not enough to have the confidence he has had to open my refrigerator. It is completely empty, except for a few jars of pickles and old olives, a few leftovers from fast food and a bottle of water.

—What are you doing?— I ask a little bit upset.

—Olivia , you would tell me if you're some kind of vampire... right?— He pretends a grimace in terror.

—What?!— I am surprised by his strange question.

—There is nothing edible in this place ... tell me, what do you eat? ... The blood of virgins?— I can't help but smile with his silly conclusions. —Or are you a robot? Do you need to plug in all night?— I just go up to him and close the door of my refrigerator.

— Yes ... the truth is that I fed on my partners.— I say threatening, and out of nowhere he laughs like crazy, which honestly makes me laugh too.

—Enough snooping around my home.— I scold him trying to sound serious. His laugh stops and looks at me somehow ashamed.

—Sorry.—

—Never mind. Do you want leftovers?— I say more kindly.

—You should buy real food ... not those things.— I give him a glare. —I am just saying. You should cook delicious plates with this kitchen.—

—I do not cook.—I say annoyingly putting on my jacket again in order to get back to the investigation since we had only stopped in my apartment because I needed to use the ladies' room. He just looks up and follows me to the door, we go down back to the car. I start the engine.

—Liv...— He says to me before I can move forward. His serious expression gets my attention. —You would tell me if you were a vampire, right?—

—No.— I reply pretending seriousness as I look forward the road."

The sound of the toaster throwing the toasted bread brings me back to reality. I let out a sigh as I try to keep my pain where it should stay. I take out a plate and take the couple of slices. I can't help but taking one direct to my mouth managing to burn my tongue. I try to blow to remove the pain, until it becomes bearable to eat it.

I put the rest on the plate, suddenly my stomach complains again, but not because of hunger but because of nausea. A terrible aroma fills my nostrils. I put my hand directly to my mouth and turn directly to the pan.. perfect! My chicken burned!

—Damn it!— I put off the stove as fast as I can before I run out into the bathroom. As soon as I get away from the burning aroma the nausea stops. I lean against the cold wall while trying to breathe what little clean air is left in my apartment. Now I remember why I hate the kitchen, nothing works for me.

—You see!?— I say once again looking up at the ceiling. —I don't know how to cook!— My eyes fill with tears, of course, this talking to someone who isn't there doesn't help anything. I try to hold back the crying and try to understand the feeling I have. It is not only sadness of not having him here. It is not only emptiness... but it is also a kind of anger because I haven't been able to heat a stupid chicken! I know it is silly to cry over such a thing, but I can't avoid it. I feel bad and useless. And so fucking hungry! I wipe my eyes trying to avoid tears.

'Yes you can...' I listen to his voice as crisp and clear as ever. I froze. I have heard it before, back in my zombie state. But I was sure it would ever happen again. But here it was again.So close. It doesn't scare me, in fact it makes me feel an inexplicable strength.

Well, I wouldn't mind going back to madness if it is the way to listen to him. It does me good... even if it's just my imagination. I calm down and resign myself to leave the bathroom with my nose covered to open the windows and eat... my already cold toast.

TO BE CONTINUED...

AN: PLEASE let me know your opinions. Maybe I should cut this fic sooner. Well, more to come. Will Samuel tell the others about Liv's secret? What about Elliot's family? What kind of wake up call will Olivia have that will make her realize she has to go to the doctor?

RR please. Stay safe. XO