AN: Thanks for reading.

D:Law and order SVU and all its characters are not mine.

CHAPTER 45. REALITY

The loud knock of the door echoes in my ears with force, as well as the words that Alexandra had just said ... "Prolonging it will not make it disappear."... I don't want it to disappear. "Are you even planning on having it?" Do I? I walk back into my living room and sit on the couch. How the hell can she thinks that I want it to disappear? This is the only thing left as evidence that everything was real, and that he is no longer here.

Although she's right, if Samuel opens his mouth, if they find out from him instead of finding out from me, I'm sure they'd feel bad. I think. The truth is Samuel is right, it would be much easier for them to find out by "accident" than for me to face them. Just thinking about it causes me a strange fear.

Everything would be easier if it had not happened. If he was still here. My mind begins to wander due to fatigue. I curl up on the sofa taking the blanket that is next to me and let my mind do its job. How would things be if we hadn't left my apartment that day? If we hadn't worked on that case? If he had been standing a few centimeters further from that place? If he hadn't... die?

"I'm sitting on my bed, slightly lying down, reading a book without really paying attention to the text in it. I am nervous.

The noise from the shower gets my attention. I stare at the door with doubt noticing the steam is visible. I get up very carefully and walk trying not to make a noise towards the bathroom. The warm steam hits my face as I cautiously enter. I hear how the water falls unevenly and I hear someone whistling.

"Liv?" I recognize the voice which makes me feel an immediate relief. "Babe?" I don't answer. I just walk to the shower and open the curtain peeking inside.

"Hello" he says to me when he sees me.

"Hello" I answer back noticing my voice sounds kind of sad.

"Do you want to come in?" It is an invitation that I would not miss for anything.

I just nod my head and move around to take off my clothes. I raise my arms to be able to take my big nightgown over my head. I throw it by the air and when I am about to take off the rest something makes me stop. I see the large and foggy mirror over the sink. I slowly approach and raise my hand to touch it and to clean the steam out of it. I observe my blurred silhouette. There is something different, something I did not expect to see. My hands fly to the small but well defined bulge between my hips. I try to remember where I was yesterday but my mind is blank; in fact I don't even remember what I did before I was reading in bed.

"Are you ready?" I hear his voice behind me and I observe him through the reflection. His arms surround me until he places his hands on mine resting them on my belly. "What's up Liv?" He whispers the question into my ear. I just keep silent, trying to understand what's happening. "Are you still nervous?" He kisses my back tenderly. Nervous? ... uhm why would I be nervous? I only have a pregnant belly that I did not have yesterday. He is here. He is hugging me... naked. Why would I be nervous?

"Yes." I answer truthfully.

"Don't be. We will tell them together. You will see how happy they will be." I am not able to say anything so I just let out a strange noise from my throat. "Enough future Mrs. Stabler. Let's take a bath." He tells me while he caresses my hand tenderly. I look down and I can see how a delicate ring decorates my finger. I get even more nervous ... when does this happen? .. Why don't I remember anything? ... it starts to get hard for me to breathe ... "

I wake up so scared that my body lifts up in one quick movement. My hands fly up my throat trying to avoid being suffocated, but there was no one really trying to stop me from breathing. I open my mouth for air. My hands fly to my belly looking for the lump but it is not there. Which is kind of a relief. I rise my hand quickly and look at it. There is no ring either. I take a look around me and try to calm down. Everything is as I remember it, my living room, my sofa and my blanket on the floor.

—It was just a dream.— I ensure myself.— Just a dream.— While my breathing stabilizes and my mind begins to focus I begin to feel the cold tears fall uncontrollably down my cheeks. I try to dry them and contain them but I cannot. —It was just a dream.— I say again, but instead of helping it gets worst. It was just a dream. A really beautiful dream.

The wound on my chest begins to burn without mercy. I feel the need to hug my ribs tightly. I try to avoid my undoing. I shrink until I feel the soft fabric of the sofa on my cheek. The sobs begin to come from my throat without me being able to control them. I need to breathe but I just can't. Trying to think what would happen if it hadn't happened has only served to affect me even more, because now I have seen something that will never be true. He will never be here by my side. I will never be able to kiss him again, he will never be able to hug me, he will never find out that I am expecting a child of his ... he will never be able to feel my belly, he will never know... simply... he will never return.

At the end of the day, I am condemned to face all this alone, because he is no longer here to support me.

I don't have to put this off any longer ... whether they find out or not, like it or not, ask me or not ... I can't change it ... it's a reality, it's my reality. It's stupid to keep hoping to feel safe. Now I am sure, without a doubt, that I'll never feel strong again in my entire life. My strength vanished with him. I hear my own desperate cry in the middle of the silent night and the only thing I can do is wait for the pain to dissipate even a little so I can breathe. If it doesn't kill me first.

TO BE CONTINUED

AN: Thanks for reading.