AN: Thanks for reading.
D: Law and order SVU and its character are not mine.
CHAPTER 47 TIME HAS PASSED
Time has passed, sometimes slower, sometimes faster, but it has passed; and my wound hasn't healed a bit, but something has changed. My wound hasn't healed but I have strengthened. I continue to have terrible nightmares that disturb me until I wake up. Sometimes the same old nightmare returns, the one where I walk alone through the humidity looking for something... for him. It continues to affect me in the same way it did the first time it came to me. I keep waking up between screams and a strong pain, and I don't like it at all but those are the times I manage to hear his clear and perfect voice. And few are the times that I dream of him... that I feel him close.
Yes, time has passed, I have no doubt. The small lump that lies between my hips is the proof of it. It's not a big deal, but it's enough to make each and every one of my blouses to stretch on the area. I usually like to use them a little bit loosen, I've never liked wearing fitted blouses, but now not a single one can be separated from my belly. I have tried each one of them and nothing ... none has succeeded. I've been having the same problem with my pants. They have all forcefully fit. I am glad I can still manage to close them.
So, this is how I find myself sitting on the edge of my bed with only my bra and my pants tucked in by force, glaring exhausted at the amount of clothes on the floor. I let out a great sigh.
—This is not working.— I have gotten used to speaking out loud imagining that it is Elliot to whom I am speaking to. As I have already decided, I have lost my mind. Being alone... there is no one who can judge.
I take a looser shirt ... one that I only wear when I exercise or hang around the house, but it is the only one that still keeps my belly free. I get up and look for my comfortable boots. I take a quick look in the mirror not much surprised by what I find. I begin to get used to my new zombie face. I lift my hair into a ponytail, it has grown quite long and it bothers me when it falls on my face. I put some lip gloss on my lips, grab my coat, my hat, and rush out to work.
Things in the office also feel strange, despite the time that has passed I still feel totally uncomfortable, and I still cannot totally accept Samuel's presence, nor has he been able to fully fit into the unit, in fact I feel that his time in it is soon to come to an end. He will not be able to take it much longer. As I once told him, You need a strong stomach for this job.
Speaking of strong stomachs, I've managed to control my nausea almost completely ... but not my cravings. I think I have never eaten so much in my life ... and I have never cooked as much as I have now.
—Look who's coming.— I hear a familiar voice as I walk down the street concentrating on not slipping with the remaining ice at the same time that I have a hot chocolate and my daily donut, I stop and turn around.
—Hello Alex.— I greet her happily. She catches up with me and says hello with a friendly look. After the fight in my apartment it didn't take long for us to reconcile, which makes me happy because she is the only one with whom I can gossip about Samuel and who agrees with me. Everyone else has been hypnotized by the young detective already. I can't mention anything wrong with Fin or Munch because they stand up for him ... and that just makes me dislike him even more.
—It's cold, huh?— She says covering herself well.
—A lot.— I agree.
—Christmas is coming. Have you decided what are you doing for the holidays?— She asks me as we start walking together towards the precinct. A few days ago everyone invited me to spend the festivities in their respective houses, apparently they don't want me to stay alone. Which makes me feel good ... but now I have to make the decision of who to go with, because it has become a game for them. Fin and Munch do not know how to do anything without placing a bet on it and, of course, who has to decide is me.
—I don't know yet.— I tell her honestly. I have no idea what I want to do. I almost always spend these parties alone anyways.
—Well, make up your mind, Liv. We have to make preparations.— She scolds and I just nod somewhat annoyed as I take another bite of my donut. I can see her look at me. At my mouth actually.
—How many had you have?— She asks pointing at the donut. Of course, she has been bothering me all these days about my diet. She insists I must moderate my cravings, and above all, that I should go to see a doctor. She even got the number and name of a couple of gynecologists. But I feel good and I like to eat my cravings, it is the little good that I have left.
—It is the second.— I answer swallowing the bite.
—The day just started and you've already had two? Look, I already told you a thousand times, you're going to end up like a big cow if you continue like this.—
—Let it go.— I complain.
—Have you at least already called one of the doctors.—
—I haven't had the chance.— I say taking a sip of my delicious chocolate. She just makes an annoyed face. —I will do it.—
—I hope so. It's for your health.— She says with an annoyed face, but I won't say more and she also decides not to continue. At the end of the day we had this fight yesterday and we will have it tomorrow.
We arrived and went up to the elevator together. I finish my hot chocolate wishing I had more because sincerely it is delicious. We get off on the corresponding floor and continue on our way. I am glad that the office is warmer than outside, so as soon as I get to my old same desk I get rid of my coat.
—Nice shirt.— Samuel tells me.
—Thank you.— I answer completely mechanical.
—I love NY? Uh?.— I stop for three seconds and turn down to see my shirt. It is indeed the classic I 3 NY tourist t shirt. I didn't think through it this morning. Well it is the only one that makes me feel comfortable right now. —Did you went touristing on the weekend?—
—No.— I answer and take my attention towards turning on my computer. Now that I think about it, it does come from a weekend touristing on NYC with Elliot. I sit in my chair noticing how I begin to lose myself in that blurred memory.
AN: Stay safe.
