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D: LAW AND ORDER SVU AND ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.

CHAPTER 50 FLASHBACK

—Get me in too.— We all turn around surprised to see Samuel adding himself to the bet. He really wants to win my sympathy. But what makes him think that I would actually want to spend the holidays with him?

—No! ... you weren't in the bet either!— Fin complains. He believed he had everything to win as he was the only one who had not yet plotted against me.

—If she just got in ... I can too.— he says pointing to Melinda.

—I have the seniority here young man.— Melinda complains.

—If so, I am the one with more years on this place.— Munch argues. It is not the first, and I am sure it will not be the last time, I see them argue like this for a bet. In fact, many friends those times I was part of the discussions, but not now, now I am the object. It is up to me to decide the winner and that bothers me more than it should.

I take the time they use to argue to think about it. I really don't think I'm ready to spend a holiday with any of their families. I know they are like my family, the only one I have, but I have to face that each one of them has their own family and they will surely be there for Christmas Eve, all together and I will feel like an outsider.

Alexandra has her mother and her sisters; Melinda with her husband, her children and her dog; Munch ... well Munch I have no idea which one of his thousand ex-wives he plans to spend it with this year; Cragen with his cousins; Fin with his son; Samuel with his pregnant girlfriend. I don't fit in any of those places.

Honestly, that is not how I want to feel, the outsider. Nor any day nor in my current state of mind. It can't help. I prefer to be alone at home, that's where I fit in. Every year I have decline each of their invitations. The only one invitation I ever accepted every now and then, was Elliot's. Most of my Christmas Eves I've been home alone. What difference would one more year could make?

—Enough.— I say louder than I expected making everyone to silent. I am surprised by the strength of my voice, it has been so long since I heard it with such power. I manage to get all their eyes on me. I'm sure they are waiting for a positive decision. —Guys, I really thank you for your invitations.— I begin to speak more calmly. —But the truth is, I do not feel like celebrating anything.—

—But Liv...— Alexandra tries to interrupt me.

—No Alex, thank you but... I have decided to stay at home. I actually need some rest. I have not slept well lately.— I wait for someone starts protesting but, to my surprise they only share some looks and nod almost simultaneously.

—Ok Liv, we respect your decision. But you know that the invitation will always be open.— Cragen says with his warm voice.

—Yes, Liv, always.—Fin seconds him.

—Thank you. I know.— Okay, now that I've taken a load off my shoulders I have more important decisions to make. My eyes flies to the little card, from Melinda's friend, that rests on my desk.

—We have to continue with the case, otherwise none of us will be able to celebrate the holidays.— Cragen says making everyone go back to work.

He is right, the case will not solve itself and the truth is that we have not made much progress. Not that there is much of a lead to follow. Personally, I don't feel the same at work, his absence has affected me. I know perfectly well that if he were still here, by my side, in some way or another I would have focused better. I feel incomplete. Now I'm only half the detective than I used to be. Thankfully, the others are good detectives, and they know how to do their job. But I can't help but feel that chill on my skin. There is no one taking car of my back. And I have no one's back to take care of.

Hours later, making sure their paperwork is ready for us to continue tomorrow, everyone is getting ready to leave. The office starting to get lonely.

—Goodbye Liv.— Fin says leaving the office. —Have a good night.— I smile at him. And as soon as he disappears I feel alone. I know it's late and I should be in my apartment by now, but I just have the need to stay here a bit longer. I don't know exactly why. I just observe the file without really paying much attention to it.

It's been a long time since I was alone at the station, well I'm not really alone, I know there are a couple of detectives on other floors and some uniformed men guarding the place, but I sure feel alone. I look up and I can notice the darkness that surrounds me, only the lamp on my desk has been lit so I can hardly see the place clearly. I look around and the flashback attacks me. The image of Elliot lying on the floor comes to my mind in a second. Elliot dying. It is so vivid that I could swear that in fact he is in front of me, right where the light is scarce, suffering with the wound in his chest. I feel how my skin freezes completely, my gaze becomes blurred and a strong pressure in the chest suffocates me.

The urge to save him surrounds me, but I am unable to move, my body does not answer to the desperate signals from my brain. I cannot do anything to save him. I cannot. Suddenly that image vanishes as the light illuminates the rest of the office, my gaze remains fixed on that place. Where there is nothing but the floor.

—Olivia?— I hear a voice far away. I know he's talking to me but I don't think I can even breathe, although I desperately try. My lungs are burning from their need from air.

—Olivia!— I feel how someone takes me by the cheek and move my head, making me look away from the place. I face Samuel's eyes fool of concern while his lips continue to move. The heat of his skin is intense on my ice cold cheek. —Look at me. Olivia, look at me. I am here. Look at me.— I manage to concentrate on his dark eyes until I finally am able to breathe in. My lungs hurt instantly from the sudden cold air invading them. And, as soon as I inhale it a big sob comes out of my mouth. The tears come out uncontrollably, the burning in my chest appears with violence. Samuel hugs me tightly and I can only sink my head into his chest trying to control the sobs that keep coming out of my chest.

—I'm fine.— I try to asure him without been able to stoop the crying.

—No you are not.— He says without letting me go of his embrace.

—I am fine.— I repeat as my arms cling to his making it clear I am not.

TO BE CONTINUED...

AN: WITH WHO WILL OLIVIA END UP SPENDING HER CHRISTMAS EVE? WILL SHE REALLY BE ALONE? SHOULD SHE?

THANKS FOR READING! STAY SAFE! XO