AN: THANKS FOR READING.

D: LAW AND ORDER SVU AND ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.

CHAPTER 51 BETTER?

I take the last drink of water that remains in my glass. Samuel is still sitting in front of me, his eyes fixed on me. His hand caresses my arm as a sign of presence. I feel a little embarrassed because he has just witnessed, yet again, a scene that he shouldn't have. But I am very grateful that he was here... just in time. I don't know why he came back but I don't care, he took me out of a terrible flashback. A horrifying one.

—Better?— He asks taking the empty glass from my hand. I only manage to nod my head without even looking him directly in the eye. —We shouldn't have left you alone.— He complains while taking the glass to the sink. I just try to clear my mind and make that image fade completely as soon as possible.

I don't know how much time I spent buried in his chest uncontrollably crying, but somehow I managed to stop myself and now I want to try to stabilize my feelings. I try to lock the burning again in that personal trunk I've invented for it. But I'm not achieving anything. I feel like the burning in my chest is still intact.

—I'm fine.— I try to assure him although my voice doesn't help me at all. He continues with his concern expression. —Come, I'll take you home.— He says taking my coat and stretching it towards me. I manage to raise my arm to take it calmly.

—Thank you.— I say as I get up and try to put it on. — You don't need to take me.—

—I'm not asking you.— He says with a serious expression. He helps me with the simple task I can't manage to finish by myself making sure the coat is properly placed on me. He puts a hand on my back guiding me to the exit, until we reach the elevator.

—Samuel ... it is not necessary.— I insist while we wait in the elevator to reach the ground floor.

—Olivia. I know you are strong but I am not going to let you alone.— I can't decipher his expression right now. And ,to tell the truth, I'm more focused on controlling my own emotions. I do not fight him back any more. I let him take me to the car and, as soon as I am sitting in the seat, I hug myself to avoid the cold. He goes up and turns on the heating as soon as he starts the machine.

—Do you want to eat something?— He kindly offers.

—No thanks.— I answer trying to sound cordial. So he just begins driving without asking more. I look at him sideways and I am able to notice that his hands are tense behind the wheel while he stares at the street. He drives cautiously through the snow.

—Where do you live?— He asks me as soon as he stops at a traffic light.

—Not far,— I try to concentrate on the road to tell him how to get to my building easily, without much difficulty we arrive and park the car just in front of the building's door.

—Thank yo.— I don't know what else to say, all I want is to run into my cave.

—No problem. Liv, if you need anything, this is my personal number.— He says as he writes it dow in a napkin. I take it with doubt. I can tell with the touch of our hands that his skin is warm compared to mine.

—I'll be fine.— I say a bit annoyed. I don't like being treated this way. With pity. As if I were going to break down in a second, although, I honestly feel that fragile.

—I know. I saw you that night Liv, if you survived that you'll survive anything.— My skin freezes just remembering the cold night in the park.

—Honestly, It doesn't feel like I've survived.— I tell him with great sincerity, because that is how I feel ... that night I died and I never revived.

I open the car door and get out without saying more. I can feel his gaze fixed on my back as I walk cautiously through the snow to the entrance of my building. I don't want to look back, so I hurry to open and get inside. I can hear the car engine roar and the tires slide through snow.

I go up to my apartment, turning on all the lights as I pass until I reach my refrigerator and not to lose the habit, it is totally empty. It hasn't been long since the last time I bought some groceries but they are all gone by now. I guess I do have to start eating decently.

I take the milk that remains and carefully pour it into a cup, put it in the microwave oven and wait about three minutes for it to heat up. I take it between my hands trying to warm my skin. I pour in it a tablespoon of sugar and it's what I have to settle for.

I walk without much encouragement to my room, leaving the darkness behind me. I feel even more reluctance to see the mountain of blouses that are still on the floor. I let out a big sigh and put the cup on my little nightstand, my hands get cold in a flash again. I hurry to lift that mess. Been busy helps. I try to put everything back in my closet in order but to tell the truth I'm too tired to start folding and hanging one by one. I just focus on leaving the ones that can still fit me on hand to use them. I know that I can not use this same shirt every day, however comfortable it is. I will have to wait to go buy more suitable clothes.

I turn on the heater and grab my warm pajamas to hurry to put them on. I fold my used clothes and I see the little card that Melinda gave me fall to the carpet. It is not exactly a suitable date to make an appointment. I suppose the doctor will not be available on a holiday. So I make sure to leave it in a visible place so that I can call after Christmas. Melinda's medical words have awaken in me the need to know how things are with my pregnancy. I don't want anything to go wrong so I really hope I can make the appointment as soon as possible. Good wake up call Mel.

I do not know if I feel different at all. Everyone has been so happy with the news and I am scared that the happiness that it gives them is not felt by me. If I have to put a name on it, is a slight ray of hope. But I am not letting any other feeling escape from within me. I can't handle them.

I get into my bed and finish my milk. I want to avoid sleeping because I know that that vision I had today will return the moment I close my eyes. But no matter how hard I try, it doesn't take long until I fall fast asleep.

I slowly open my eyes to see the light coming through the curtains, the morning is not as cold as the night before. I inevitably stretch as much as I can listening and feeling my joints thunder. I try to remember my nightmare but, to my surprise, I haven't had any.

I look at my watch. 10:40 am. I've slept quite a bit. Thank goodness it's Sunday and they haven't call me from the station, and I really hope they don't. The roaring of my stomach reminds me that I do not have any food left, so I decide to get up and take a quick shower. I put on the loose sweater that was at hand and I dry my hair. I wrap myself well and go out to the street to buy what will be my Christmas Eve dinner. As every year I think I will choose something different than normal.

As I walk to the nearest small supermarket I make a mental list of what I have to buy. All my cravings. If I was actually writing it down I would have to use the hole page.

—Olivia? Hello!— A familiar voice distracts me and I look up to meet...

TO BE CONTINUED...

AN: WHO DID SHE JUST WALKED INTO? THANKS FOR READING. FEEL FREE TO REVIEW.

STAY SAFE.