Setting the Stage for Something Special

"Tawna, Tawna, Tanwa," Doctor Neo Cortex mused. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Release me? Let me go?" The bandicoot's eyes narrowed. "Allow me to kick your arse?"

"No, no, and most certainly no." Cortex rubbed his buttocks, remembering their meeting with a certain kangaroo before it was submitted to the Evolvo-Ray. A ray that he turned around to look at, while his scientists continued to restrain the female bandicoot behind him.

"Absolutely magnificent, isn't it?" the doctor mused. "The cutting edge of science! A pushing of the frontier of biology, anthropology, and…um, technology."

Tawna sniggered. "Run out of ologies?"

He glared at her. "I'll have you know that not everyone is born a poet."

"Yeah, some of us are born assholes."

"Oh really, I know my experiments on Donkey Oatie made his rump a bit big, but…" Cortex trailed off. The bandicoot's lips curled in a manner that was half smirk, half sneer, half frown. The scientists, as if reading his mind and wondering if that should be thirds rather than halves, gave him a look.

"Well, anyway," Cortex said. "I made the Evolvo-Ray…"

"Ahem!" came a voice.

"…and I'm going to take over the world…" He waited for N. Brio to interrupt him, or worse, Uka Uka to remind him who was really in charge, before adding, "and I'm going to make you the leader of my Cortex Commandos!" He walked over to Tawna. "Or I would, if you didn't keep escaping from my fortress of doom."

"Of doom?" Tawna asked.

"Yes, of doom! Doom! DOOOM!" Cortex yelled, before one of the lights gave out due to lightning striking the roof. Which was odd because the sun was up outside. He gave the bandicoot a good looking over, wishing he was taller because villains were meant to be tall and intimidating, damn it. "But you keep running off. You keep meeting with your boyfriend in the trees, watching him jump on boxes before I snatch you away." Cortex raised an eyebrow. "Did I ever tell you the definition of insanity?"

"Tried to look up insanity once," Tawna murmured. "It just had a picture of you."

"And yet you keep running off to the failure," Cortex pointed out. "You come back, we have a talk, you run off, I find you, and I leave the reject to warp back to whatever pile of mud he was previously rolling around in."

Tawna remained silent.

"Mind telling me what your plan is?" Cortex asked.

"Mind telling me yours so I can stop it?"

"Oh my dear, you're in no position to stop anything," Cortex laughed. He clicked his fingers and walked over to the Evolvo-Ray, the scientists dragging the big, bodacious, blonde, and other things beginning with b (take a guess, genius!) bandicoot along with them "Besides, you already know what my plan is. My plan is to…" He paused, waiting for lightning to strike. "To…"

On one of the castle windows, a bird began to sing.

"To…?" one of the scientists asked.

"Shut up Eugene." Cortex spun round, extended his arms, and lightning or no lightning, yelled, "to take over the world!"

Tawna looked at him.

"I said, to take over the world!"

"Yeah, I heard you," she said. "But then what?"

"Excuse me?" Cortex, missing the sound of thunder and lightning, heard her quickly.

"You take over the world and then what?" Tawna asked.

"Um…"

"Taking over the world is a means, not an end. You take over the world, and, what? How do you run it? How do you deal with the people? Are you making the world better? Worse? And if worse, how do you justify the change in management?"

Cortex remained silent. Partly because he was considering those same questions. Partly because he was trying not to consider them. He took over the world, he released Uka Uka, he was lauded as the greatest scientist in the history of ever, and he retired to a nice beach somewhere. Beyond that, he hadn't given it much thought.

"Hello? Earth to Cortex?" Tawna asked.

He grit his teeth and pulled one of the ray's many levers. The device spluttered and coughed, as if it had a cold.

"Not working too well is it?" Tawna asked.

"It's fine," Cortex said. "I know what I'm doing."

Someone sniggered, and it wasn't Tawna.

"I mean," Cortex said, as he continued to fiddle, "I did design it."

"Ahem!" came a voice.

Gritting his teeth so hard that little white flakes started coming out of his mouth, Cortex continued to fiddle. Fiddle so hard that somewhere in the fortress, a violin joined in.

"Still fine?" Tawna asked.

"I'll have you know that while you were gone, I used it on another test subject," Cortex said.

"And?"

"And, he…" Cortex trailed off. "It didn't go well."

"Really?" Tawna's voice was between gloating, and glooming…which was totally a word.

"Indeed. I put in a dog that wouldn't stop being naughty, and when it came out, it…" He shuddered, thinking of the orange raccoon-like creature that had emerged in its place. "Well, what can I say? We are in uncharted territory here."

Tawna didn't say anything.

"But I will get it working," Cortex said. "I, the great Doctor Neo Cortex, who designed the Evolvo-Ray-"

"Ahem!"

"…will make you, Tawna Bandicoot, the leader of the Cortex Commandos, and prove to HR that my outfit can indeed have a female in a position of leadership!" Cortex laughed, and spun around. "What do you say to that?!"

Tawna didn't say anything. Which wasn't surprising, since she wasn't there. All that was left in her place were half a dozen unconscious scientists.

"Oh codswallop," Cortex whispered.

"Can't…feel…legs…"

"Shut up Eugene." Cortex turned away from the scientists and pulled out a radio from his pocket. "N. Brio, the bandicoot has escaped again."

"Again, master?" N. Brio sniggered on the other line. "Isn't that the fifteenth time?"

"No you little cretin, it's…" Cortex began counting with his fingers. His eyes widened after he began counting his second hand for the second time. "Never mind. Point is, you have control of the fortress."

"Perhaps we should let her go, master. Let the bandicoot save her and leave us alone."

"N. Brio you fool, that isn't how this works! We can't do anything like that!"

"Why not, master?"

"Because…because…"

"Because, master?"

"What do you want from me Nitrous, I didn't write the plot of this game! Now shut up, or you'll be written out of future instalments."

There was a sound on the other end of the line that sounded like a wall collapsing. Cortex sighed. This old fortress was falling apart. Granted, it wasn't that old…but then, Crash had fallen out the window, and had somehow ended up two islands away, so who was he to question the laws of rationality? That was like asking how Brio had said "ahem" over and over, when he'd had to use the radio to contact him just a few seconds ago.

Well, there was nothing for it. Giving one last look at the scientists (Eugene was still moaning about his legs) and his Evolvo-Ray (which he'd created, damn it!), Cortex began whistling. Heading off for his flying hoverboard, thinking he really needed a better vehicle like those Robotnik or Wily fellows, before lightning finally struck, plunging the fortress into darkness, and plunging the doctor head first into a door.

"D'oh!"

He was briefly knocked out, but not for too long. He was a bit of an insomniac these days, and every time he closed his eyes, he had dreams of purple dragons. Waking up, he found his flying hoverboard and zoomed off…noticing that despite the earlier lightning strike, there wasn't a cloud in the sky.

Weird.


A/N

So started playing the N. Sane Trilogy, and with the first game, can't help but notice that Tawna's special stages have changed so that Cortex re-captures her every time, rather than just standing there. Small change, but gave me the idea to drabble this up.