AN: THANKS FOR READING AND SPECIAL THANKS TO THAT ONE PERSON THAT HAS TAKEN HER TIME TO REVIEW. YOU ARE THE BEST.
D: LAW AND ORDER SVU AND ALL ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE
CHAPTER 61 WOULD HAVE
—Wasn't she your partner at Homicides Unite?— I ask trying no to sound as surprised. He looks at me and I can see a small smile forming on his face.
—Yes she was. Why do you think they transfer me to SVU? If internal affairs found out before my transfer we could have lost both our badges.— He explains with ease. —Which honestly I would not have cared. I didn't want to leave her side. I mean, we were partners for eight years. But she insisted, and with the baby on the way, I can't afford losing the job.— He keeps going. —I now we are two people who weren't supposed to fall in love but... come on... that is impossible. After eight year, we complement each other. I really wouldn't mind if internal affairs had found out earlier.— I try to swallow the lump that has formed in my throat and try hard not to mirror in his words.
—But now they know?—
—Yes, but they can't do anything to us anymore. We accepted the responsibility but I had already asked for the transfer. They suspended us for a few days but that's all. Now I am here and she has her maternity license.—
—How far is she on the pregnancy?— I ask sitting at my desk without taking my eyes from him.
—Almost six months. But it's a bit risky so she has to rest.—
—Oh.— I look down trying to swallow my questions. My thousands of questions.
—It was difficult for her to leave the job but she has her priorities clear.— He keeps talking. And there it is that word I've heard so much lately ... "priorities"
—Who?...Karen?— It seems Fin was listening to the talk because now he has approached from nowhere.
—Yes.— Samuel affirms.
—How's it going? ... everything okay?— I'm surprised that Fin knows who we're talking about and that he asks about her as if he knew her.
—Yes thanks. Morning sickness but nothing out of the ordinary.—
—Good. She gave us a scare the other night.— okey he decently is involved more than I expected.
—Yes, but it happened quickly. We went to the doctor and everything is getting better.— Samuel says with evident relief.
—Guys, we have to go to Chelsea.— I hear Munch's voice, who appears through the back door.
—What happened?— Odafin asks.
—A young man raped and murdered during last night's storm.—
—In the middle of Christmas. That's wrong.— Samuel says.
I can't manage to care on the case, my mind keeps wandering about priorities ... More than anything about my priority.
We arrived at the scene of the incident in less time than expected. I was already standing in the snow trying to keep warm under my hat, my gloves and my coat. I observe how Melinda tries to do her job with difficulty through the snow while the other forensics help by covering her with a pair of umbrellas.
—I could say that he has not been dead for more than 6 hours, but because of the weather it may be a little more. I will know more as soon as I have him on my table and out of the snow.—
—Let's let the crime scene work here. Maybe they can find something.—
—Maybe this will do.— says a uniformed young woman pointing to something in the snow. Samuel approaches and digs up to find a wallet. —Here we have an ID. Ahm... his name was Elliot Charles.— I feel everyone's gaze on me for a few seconds. But I decide to ignore them. My eyes crystallize but I maintain my serenity so as not to let the couple of tears come out, enough of crying in front of everyone.
—That gives us something to begin with.— I say trying to make everyone go back to their business.
I can't focus on the case, and I really don't want to. I just sit in the chair and wait for them to really need me. Selfish me again. But they are doing a good job. They've already brought in a suspect and god knows how they got to him but he's already here being questioned by Fin.
I fake looking at a list of names in front of me as I continue to ramble on a thousand things. Throughout the day I have tried to avoid looking at the place of the incident. I don't want more flashback to attack me. I also can't stop thinking that I should go to the pharmacy to buy the vitamins that the doctor has prescribed me. Hunger has made an appearance again and I can't wait to sneak out to eat something. And, to be honest, I cant stop thinking about Karen, that woman I met just a few months ago in a terrible situation where I was fighting between breathing or giving up.
At the time I couldn't even notice that she was pregnant and now I find out that she is six months pregnant, and not only that, but Samuel is the father. He was her partner at that time, I know that because he was there taking my almost death body out of the cold rain. Try as I might, I can't help but compare their situation to ours... mine. I can't help but imagine how things would have been now if he was still here. Would we have found the same solution as them? If internal affairs found out, they would have separated us? We would have lost our job?. What about his family? What would they have thought?. I fill silly to think about this now, because I know perfectly well that I will never know all those questions won't have an answer. Ever.
If I think about it it makes no sense that I continue to hide the fact that Elliot is the father of my child. In fact, I should be shouting it to the world. Internal affairs can't do anything anymore. Nobody can change what happened. I would give my life for changing the reality; for him to still be here; for we having to take this decisions together; for he could continue to be part of my life. But I can't. I am aware that from now on I will continue to make decisions on my own. As always.
—Yes babe, I hope to be free soon.— Samuel's voice distracts me from my spiteful thoughts. I watch him talk on his cell phone and I am struck by the brightness that appears in his eyes. —How have you felt?— He keeps talking, the ringing of my desk-phone distracts me but it doesn't make me separate my gaze from him.
—Benson.— I answer.
—Hi Liv.— Melinda greets from the other side of the line. —Could you come down to the office. I found something.—
—Sure.— I answer and hang up.
—I have to go babe. I'll see you soon. I love you.— He hangs up the phone with a smile on his face and lets out a light sigh before turning to see me.
—Everything okay?— He asks me.
—Yes, Melinda called. She has something.—
—Well let's go.— he says still with that spark of joy. I know I shouldn't but I can't help feel envious of his happiness. And I feel bad about it.
TO BE CONTINUED...
AN: THANKS FOR READING.
