For my 28th birthday, my boyfriend took me to Barnes & Noble (where I broke him) and I saw a copy of Good Omens thinking "I've heard nothing but good things and I've been putting it off" and made him buy it for me. Honestly, I don't think a book ever made me laugh so hard that I immediately wanted more. So then I saw the 2019 series—and have since became a huge fan of Michael Sheen, but that's a whole nother story—and am now a big fan of this series. So much so, that I bought my boyfriend his own copy* and he is also a fan. In all honesty, when I become this into a series, doing a fic for the fandom seemed kind of…ineffable
*Fun fact: I have the black, Aziraphale copy and he has the white, Crowley cover. That was not intentional when I bought the book online, but it works out great
Currently, I am also watching "groundbreaking" TV sitcoms of the 1970s. Because sitcoms have tropes and clichés, I like to check them all out if I can. I often watch pilot episodes, birthday episodes, wedding episodes, fantasy/fairy tale/anthology episodes, birth episodes, death episodes, and the "very special" episodes that usually tackle major issues (drugs, abortion, drunk driving, sexism, assault, AIDS, etc) to see how they handled them. More often than not, watching a lot of these give me ideas to set a sitcom episode to a completely different series/medium.
And here we are now—though if you do know my work, I'm sure you expected this.
The main episode I took some basis from is the two-part episode from season 6 of The Jeffersons where George and Louise's grandchild is born. I really just borrowed the major plot point and tweaked pretty much everything else to fit Good Omens canon. I did want to feature my two favorite pairings—the ineffable husbands and the witch and her witchfinder—but I also wanted to explore a potential friendship between Crowley and Anathema because I felt they could have clicked if they had more time together.
I also had an idea and it wouldn't leave me alone until I wrote it.
Shall we get on with it?
With a melodramatic moan, Crowley shuffled into the living area of the Tadfield cottage he and Aziraphale had taken temporary residence in. "I'm bored!" He dramatically proclaimed to the other occupant as he plopped onto the sofa. "I'm so very, very BORED!" Still, this wasn't enough to divert Aziraphale's attention from his book. "ANGEL!" With a relenting sigh, Aziraphale marked his place and turned to Crowley. "I'm bored."
"I hadn't noticed," Aziraphale's sarcasm had been improving since the Armageddon-That-Wasn't. "I suppose it's my job to rectify your situation?"
Crowley pouted at him. "Would you?"
"Every time I invest myself in a good book," Aziraphale muttered as he put his book away. "Crowley, whenever I seem to suggest something that I find enjoyable—with some rare exceptions—you immediately refuse."
"Ah yes, because one's adrenaline always gets a-pumpin' when reading and sewing."
"Knitting." The demon groaned as he dismissively waved his hand at that. "Correct me if I'm wrong: but wasn't it your idea to 'lay low' and blend in with the humans." Crowley made some sort of noise as he shrugged. "Now, I feel that I have been making an effort. I haven't performed any miracles in a long while. I've been a tad more social and active with the community. I've taken up human hobbies and interests."
"The boring ones."
"Agree to disagree. Honestly Crowley, not all human things are boring."
"Then maybe it's human places."
"Like this one, I assume?"
"This place is so…so…dull."
"Our visit is only temporary. We've rented the cottage to be near Anathema and-"
"-and that's another thing: Book Girl said that her spawn was due in two weeks! Why aren't we here two weeks from now?"
"We must use this time to help Anathema and Newton prepare."
"You rented this place for three months!"
"They're going to need help after the baby's born, aren't they?"
"Ngk!"
"You did agree to this."
"Did not."
"You did so."
"Pro'bly to get you to stop talking."
"Crowley, please, this means a great deal to me." Aziraphale couldn't help but smile. "Just think: you and I are going to be godfathers."
"Tried that once, remember."
"Official godfathers. This time it'll be the offspring of dear friends, and we can watch the little one grow up even beyond their eleventh year."
"Right, still bored, gonna put on the telly," he glanced at a succession of remotes on the coffee table in front of them. "Angel, which one…" Aziraphale turned the TV on. "…thank you."
"I thank you for exercising restraint with your demonic powers while in my presence." The smile Crowley flashed was rather smug. "Oh, but don't think I don't know that you're the one pulling all those little pranks in the village."
"Sometimes it can't be helped. After all: I'm only demon."
"Former demon."
Crowley dismissively waved his hand again, "Semantics."
"You're incorrigible."
This made the former demon smirk. "But you love me."
Aziraphale chuckled in affirmation and gave Crowley a quick kiss before patting his knee and rising to the kitchen. "If you are looking for something to do later in the day, I've given Adam and his friends permission to have their study group meeting here. Perhaps you'd like to help them."
"Perhaps not."
"You give yourself the benefit of a doubt, Crowley Dear. You are wonderful with kids."
"Kids, yes, I'm fantastic with kids."
Aziraphale blinked in confusion. "I'm certain I've missed something."
"You've got your basic levels of children. Babies, toddlers, kids, teenagers, and then it doesn't matter once they're legally old enough to vote, or drink, or not have their parents under suspicion for neglect. When they're at the 'kid' level, then they're great, I can deal."
"I believe Adam and his friends are…oh, what are the young people calling it these days?" Aziraphale briefly contemplated this. "Ah, yes, a tween."
"Please don't ever say that word again."
"Then you'd consider the Them at the 'teenager' level?"
"Slightly bigger kids with uncontrollable hormones who think they know everything? Yep: that is a teenager."
"I suppose. He will be thirteen this August."
"Like I said: 'kids' I can deal with, it's the level I'm best at."
"What about when they're babies?"
"Oh, that's the worst."
"Well, I just adore babies," Aziraphale's statement elicited a melodramatic moan from Crowley. "They're little miracles."
"Yeah, yeah, miracles, sure, can I watch telly now?"
"I'm sure there are some babies you can make an exception for. Didn't you for Warlock? You were a wonderful nanny to Warlock"
"Damn right I was. Though I didn't actually become an in-person nanny until he was almost five. We did our intervention from the sidelines until then." Aziraphale made some sort of sound to acknowledge Crowley was right. "I get that you're excited for Book Girl and Disaster Boy's spawn, and I fully support you if it makes you happy. I'd just rather not be involved, thank you very much."
Aziraphale shrugged and poured himself some tea. Mid pour, he stopped as if he remembered something. "Oh my heavens, it's Friday."
"'S also the thirteenth."
Crowley's addition went unheard. "I can't believe it slipped my mind. I made prior arrangements with Madame Tracy." Crowley twirled his finger sarcastically. "Someone is going to have to stay and supervise Adam and his friends while-"
"Not it!"
"Oh, bother!" Aziraphale bit on his index fingernail in thought. "Well…well there is a more than likely chance that Mr. Shadwell will accompany her when she arrives. Not that he's exactly the greatest influence around children."
"Nobody's perfect, Angel."
"Perhaps if Anathema or Newton aren't too busy they might-" Aziraphale was cut off by a frantic knock on the opposite side of the sliding glass door. "Newton?"
"Speak of a devil."
Aziraphale opened the door to let in the younger man. "Newton, Dear Boy, whatever's the matter?"
"I've…" Newt stopped to catch his breath, "…I've lost Anathema."
"What? How does one lose a woman?"
"By forgetting to cherish her," Crowley jested back in response.
A flustered Newt was clearly on the verge of a panic attack, but was trying hard to maintain some composure. "We're walking in Hogback Wood, next thing I know, she's not behind me. Run back to our cottage, not there; so I came here."
"Did you think to actually look in the woods?"
"And search a wooded area alone?" Aziraphale questioned back to Crowley. "Pay no mind to Crowley, Newton, you were right to come here first. It's best that we form a search party and-"
"Search party? How far could she have gotten with her swollen ankles and a tiny human resting near her bladder sending her to the loo every five minutes? Book Girl prob'ly made it back to Jasmine Cottage as you came here to ask for help."
"Alright Crowley, I understand: if you don't want to help, then don't help."
"Could you call me if she does come here?" Newt's request garnered a "thumbs up" from Crowley. "Right!" Newt took this time to begin to ramble his perspective to Aziraphale as they left.
Crowley watched the two of them leave. "Right," he slowly rose from his spot on the sofa and made his way to the front door. Once he opened it, he called out, "Okay Book Girl, coast is clear."
A very pregnant Anathema tentatively exited the garden and made her way over to Crowley. "You sure they're gone?" He gestured for her to go inside. "Thank you."
"You and Disaster Boy have another fight over the whole 'antenatal/Lamaze' thing again?"
"Not yet, no." Crowley helped her to sit down. "Thanks." She adjusted her sitting before continuing. "I just knew if I ask you to help me do this, I could get some time away from Newt. Some time where he's not at my side twenty-four seven, or calling me every free moment I'm not in his sight."
"Disaster Boy means well, you know."
"Yeah, I know," she absentmindedly smoothed her distended stomach. "I love my boyfriend, really, but he worries too much. Sure, the being at my beck and call and doing what I want is a perk; but one can only take so much of him constantly asking if he's doing it right or if I'm okay."
"How'd you escape?"
"I suggested a walk would do some good and of course he wouldn't let me go alone. I knew if I sweet talked him, I could convince him Hogback Wood was a good walking option."
"Plenty of room to sneak away, yeah."
"The next step is to start talking about something that he's into; something he knows a lot about. When he does this, he gets so caught up in what he's saying that you could practically do anything."
"Not something he's anti? Like talk about something you know he's against and-"
"-when he tries to make a point, he'll often look at the person who disagreed with him. Newt's movements and gestures can be a little dramatic and if he's not careful, he can hurt someone—most likely himself. I may want him to go away for a while, but I'd still like him to come back in one piece."
"Fair."
"Plus I know the woods better than he does. I can easily find my way here from Hogback Wood. Newt knows the way when he leaves Jasmine Cottage, so he'd obviously go there first. The only concern was what door Aziraphale would come out of."
"Gimme some credit on that 'search party' idea, by the way. My Angel is a sucker for helping people."
"Doesn't it seem common sense to not go into a wooded area alone?"
Crowley brushed her off. "Oh, shut down mobile service by the way. Not that it was easy; Aziraphale's been trying to get me to cut down on using my demonic powers. Tried to make it look like a human related disaster. Phones're gonna be down a while though."
"How long is a while?"
"Twelve hours at the least."
"At the least?"
"It's the best way to make it look like I had nothing to do with it. Shutting down mobile service is a favorite pastime of mine, but I have to make Aziraphale think I had nothing to do with it. Once I got your text, I took care of it."
"I'll probably get fifty calls and texts from Newt when this comes back up."
"Naturally." After a bout of silence, he turned to see her sort of staring off into space. "Book Girl?" The snapping of his fingers gave her a start. "Zoned out there for a sec."
"Yeah," she sat up a little straighter. "Guess I let my mind wander."
"Bit tense there. Sure you weren't having any of them…apostrophes or what have you?"
"Contractions, and no. The baby just shifted a little; it's been moving around a lot lately. It just feels uncomfortable."
"I'll bet."
"Damn," Anathema was getting teary-eyed.
"What?"
"Gotta pee again."
"And that makes you sad?"
"No, it's my stupid hormones. I guess I'm upset because I finally get comfortable and I have to get up again." Anathema struggled to get up before Crowley helped her to her feet. "Thanks."
Crowley reluctantly began to follow her. "You need me to-"
"I think I can do this myself," she waddled into the bathroom and closed the door behind her.
"Don't see how she can do anything with that thing inside her," Crowley muttered to himself as he went back into the living area.
"Anthony J. Crowley!" turns out, someone was waiting for him. "I can't prove it, but I know this is your doing."
"Hello, Aziraphale. I see we miracled ourselves back."
"That wouldn't have been necessary had I been able to use the mobile to call you."
"So why didn't you?"
"Because there doesn't seem to be any cellular service."
"'S that a fact?"
"This is your doing, Crowley."
"Oh, so just because one demon continuously shuts down mobile services for nearly twenty years, he gets the blame every time someone can't use their mobile?" He pulled out his own mobile for a sort of demonstration. "For your information, Angel: I was not aware that the mobiles weren't working."
"I want to believe you, but I can sense your lying. Just as I sense Anathema is here."
"Strange how you didn't miracle her location when you first heard she went missing."
"A crisis is not the perfect time for rational thought. Besides, I've been performing less and less miracles." Crowley nodded in acknowledgment at that. "I am however going to miracle back to Newton and-"
"-and I'll transport her somewhere else if you do."
"You…" Aziraphale was caught off guard by that. "…you…you will do nothing of the sort! Newton is worried sick about Anathema and-"
"-and Anathema is sick of Newton worrying." Once again, the angel didn't know what to say. Crowley sighed before continuing on. "All she wants is some time away from him. She can't get a moment alone anymore. Not that it's easy to be alone when she's carrying another human inside of her."
"If that's so, then why didn't she just ask him for some time alone?"
"Because…" Crowley considered this, "…hey yeah, why didn't she do that? Oy, Book Girl," he turned his head toward the bathroom, "why didn't you do that?"
"Is she using the lavatory as we speak?" The flushing noise (and Crowley pointing toward the source of the sound) confirmed it. "That's just not polite."
"Excuse her for having to piss."
"I meant you!"
"Well that's stating the obvious, Angel."
"Anathema!" No sooner had Anathema come into view did Aziraphale hurry toward her. "Anathema, Dear, Newton has been worried sick. Are you alright?"
"I'm fine," there was ire in Anathema's tone. "Newt's not here, is he?"
"No."
"Can we keep it that way?"
"Book Girl," Crowley came closer to her, "if you wanted to be alone: why didn't you just ask Disaster Boy if you could be alone? The thought occur to you to do that?"
"It occurred to me, yes."
"Well then why didn't you just ask Newton?" Aziraphale inquired. "I'm sure he would have given you the space you needed."
"Yeah, but for how long? I know him. He'd just be somewhere nearby trying to occupy his time, but failing because all the worst-case scenarios are playing in his head. I've rehearsed how to ask him, but every time it doesn't exactly sound…nice."
"Right," Crowley seemed to agree with her, "there isn't really a nice way to tell someone to fuck off and leave you alone."
"Language, please," Aziraphale chided.
"I asked Crowley to help me," Anathema continued. "I'd get away, come here, we figured you'd be back later than this, and Crowley could say I was here but sleeping and to not bother me. Newt's kinda afraid of Crowley—what with him being a demon and all—and would probably listen to him and stay away. All I'm asking is a few hours of time to myself."
"I suppose we could let you stay here for a couple of hours."
"Maybe even twelve," Crowley muttered.
"Twelve?! Good Heavens, that simply is too much!" Aziraphale quickly turned to Anathema. "Not that we don't enjoy your company, Anathema, but that is a bit lengthy. Crowley, why ever would you suggest twelve hours?"
"Because that's how long I rigged it before mobile service comes back."
"A-HA! I knew you had something to do with the mobiles not working!"
"Mr. Crowley!" they could hear Newt call out for Crowley before he even entered the cottage. "Don't be mad, but now I've lost—Aziraphale?" it had dawned on Newt. "Anathema," he rushed to his girlfriend. "Anathema, are you okay?"
"I'm fine," she was trying not to sound impatient with him.
"I tried to phone, but there's something wrong with the service," the couple didn't notice the quick glare Aziraphale gave Crowley. "I thought something dreadful happened."
"That's because you always think the worst is going to happen!" Her snapping made Newt back away toward the ethereally occult beings. "My God, Newt, I just wanted a few hours away from you and your incessant worrying! Your constant state of anxiety isn't exactly healthy for my stress level, you know. Give us both a little time to just relax and do something mindless without me having to assure you every two seconds that nothing's wrong. Cut me a little slack: even if you weren't constantly up my ass, you'd be the first to know if something was wrong! Shit," here came the waterworks, "it's the stupid hormones." She growled in frustration. "I knew something like this would happen. I'm like a frickin' time bomb!" Newt was about to step closer, but she backed away. "No! Just…I need some air or something," moving as fast as she could with the swollen stomach impeding her, she hurried out the front door and into the garden.
Newt (and the other men) didn't exactly know how to respond to this. "I…" the younger man was stumbling on his words, "…I've gone and messed things up again."
"Newton," Aziraphale put a comforting hand on his shoulder, "I'm sure she didn't mean it. Her hormones had gotten the best of her and-"
"She's right, you know."
"I know," Crowley had mumbled.
"I'm just expecting the worst to happen like I always do and I've unleashed my anxieties on my pregnant girlfriend," Newt admitted. "Ever since Anathema told me about the baby, I have been terrified. I think things in life are getting along fine and that I can finally start to figure out what I'm going to do with my life when I learn I'm going to be a father. Now I'm going to be responsible for someone else's life and I want so bad not to screw everything up. I think I may have gone a little overboard with all the reading and the lessons learned in the antenatal classes. I even got us kicked out once for asking too many questions."
"I can see that happening," Crowley's remark resulted in Aziraphale shushing him.
"I knew I was going to screw everything up again. Hell, I even managed to before my child's even born. That's got to be a record."
"Honestly, Newton," Aziraphale started, "you need to be more optimistic. I sincerely doubt you've 'screwed up' as you keep insisting. I see this situation as you caring too much. You love Anathema, and you want to make certain that she is alright and is being taken care of; especially now that she's carrying your child. A child that you want to do right by and that you've acknowledged as your own before its even come into the world. Sure, you may make mistakes along the way, but whomever doesn't when raising a child—particularly a firstborn child. Still, I never once doubted that you wouldn't be there for your own child."
"Yeah, but then the time comes for it to be born and I'm gonna pass out when it happens."
"Come now, you don't know that." Newt raised a skeptical eyebrow. "You may surprise yourself, Dear Boy."
"Yeah, no, he's going to pass out," Crowley didn't exactly agree with Aziraphale. "What with all the pain, and the blood, and the…imagery." This was enough to make Crowley shudder.
"Mr. Crowley has a point," Newt surprisingly agreed with the demon. "I couldn't sit through those videos in the antenatal classes. Honestly, even the images in the books were too much."
"Nevertheless," Aziraphale patted Newton on the back, "I have faith in you."
"Thank you, Aziraphale. Really, this has been of some help."
"I suppose we should all take this opportunity to relax. Why don't you head back to Jasmine Cottage and occupy your time with a good book or film?"
"I can't stay here?"
"Were you not paying attention to that outburst?" Crowley questioned.
"What Crowley means," Aziraphale began to explain, "is that you and Anathema could both do with a few hours of rest. Take the time to do what you like and not think of anything. Anathema will stay here with us for a bit, and you will do whatever it is you'd like to do."
Newt then had to spoil the moment by asking, "What if she doesn't want to come back?"
"Newton, really, try to get your mind off of this. Anathema loves you; she just needs some time to herself. Crowley and I will give her her space and if anything happens, we will come and get you."
"Because the mobile service is down and we can't call you on your phone," Crowley was compelled to add.
Aziraphale's eye began to twitch as tried not to show his aggravation. He took a deep breath and led Newton out the back way. "I assure you, Newton: everything will be tickety-boo."
"Um…okay," Newton didn't seem all that convinced by Aziraphale's choice of phrase. "Oh! We have our last antenatal class this afternoon. If she still doesn't want to see me, would you take her?"
"While I would be delighted to do so, I have made plans with Madame Tracy. However, you are welcome to join her and I on our excursion. We're just scouring the village's rummage sales."
"I'll consider your offer, thank you. But do you think Mr. Crowley could-"
"You'll pardon me saying Newton, but Hell would freeze over before Crowley ever attended a birthing class."
I thought this would be a good place to end. Basically make this the expository chapter and set things up that should come into play later.
