If you are uncomfortable with mentions of the female reproductive system…tough. In the last chapter, Adam implied they were learning this kind of stuff in their health class. I needed a bit of filler—and I wanted to make a lame joke—so just be glad you're not actually seeing anything. That's really the only warning I have except for some naughty words and references (no smut, that's not my style).


"I must say," Aziraphale began as he browsed the books at what had to have been the fifth or sixth of these rummage sales, "some of these books are in a rather remarkable condition."

"Why haven't you bought any then?" Tracy questioned.

"Honestly, they're not normally the types of book that I would sell."

"Are they a type you personally would read?"

"Ah, well...that's...while I have read them, these kinds of books are not exactly my cup of tea."

"What kind are they?"

"Judging by the titles and the accompanying covers: they seem to be novels of a more…romantic type."

"Erotic fiction, then." Tracy began to peruse the collection. "I wonder if any of them have that Fabio fellow on the cover. Ooh," one book caught her eye, "I say." She helped herself to that one before picking up another one. "Oh my, my."

She briefly showed it to Aziraphale, who gasped. "How vulgar!"

"What's vulgar about it? They're still clothed."

"Yes, but not fully clothed. Not to mention the way they are positioned on that bed certainly does not leave things open to interpretation."

"Think I read that one anyway," she set the book back and looked around, "Perhaps they have some movies for sale."

"I'll join you by the films in a moment," As Tracy walked away, Aziraphale slowly inched toward where Tracy laid the book. He quickly made sure no one was looking and tried to be discreet as he picked up the book for himself.

"Find anything, Aziraphale?" Newt's sudden appearance behind him made the angel jump.

"Newton!" Aziraphale took a second to catch his breath. "Dear Boy, you gave me a start."

"Sorry. I was just wondering if you were almost done here."

"Ah," Aziraphale cleared his throat. "Not at the moment, no. I believe there are still a few things we'd like to look over." There was a brief beat. "Perhaps you would like to do the same."

"What?"

"Look at things."

"Oh. Not really, no."

"You don't have to look for yourself. Maybe you'll find something for the Anathema or the baby."

Newt nervously rubbed the back of his neck. "I'd really rather…not." The angel blinked in confusion. "I don't really know how safe any of these used baby things are and I really don't want my child to have hand-me-downs. Not that there's anything wrong with that!" He was quick to amend. "I grew up with things that once belonged to my late father or some of my cousins. I'm not saying this like a bad thing. I just want my baby to have nice things. Not that these things aren't nice! It's just-"

"They're not new."

"Exactly! Everyone wants the best for their child and for once I can afford it. Well, technically Anathema's family can afford it. I do appreciate her mum sending the crib, and the stroller, and…well practically everything we'll be needing."

"What have you gotten the baby?"

"Me? Personally?" Newt thought that through. "I…" he slumped in a nearby chair made for a child, "didn't get it anything."

Aziraphale noticed how dejected Newt was getting and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Well, there is some logic to that. Waiting to see whether not it's going to be a boy or a girl before making any last-minute purchases."

"Anathema's gotten loads of gender-neutral toys and clothes and even tracked down new editions of books from our childhoods—I think we've gotten every Berenstain Bears book, by the way." He sighed. "What could I possibly get for my child?" He groaned in frustration. "I've gone and messed up again."

"Newton…" Aziraphale wasn't sure what he could say to help, "…oh Newton, I wish you wouldn't doubt yourself like this."

"The mother of my child doesn't even want me around!"

"Just for a few hours! That did not sound like a relationship ending outburst."

"Not yet it didn't."

"Really Newton, why must you always look for the raincloud and never the rainbow? You are a wonderful boyfriend and you'll be a wonderful father. There really any isn't need to stress about getting your child material possessions—new or used—or even who will get said items. However, if you still feel the need to fret over this, just seek out a gift that comes from the heart."

"Ahem," a gentleman looked them over, "did you wanna buy that chair?"

"Oh!" Newton bolted out of the chair, subsequently knocking it over. "Sorry, just needed to sit down to contemplate how I'm going to be a terrible father." Aziraphale slapped his palm to his face in both agitation and embarrassment.

"So you gonna buy the chair or not?"

"Um, no," Newt set the chair upright. "No, no." He quickly turned to Aziraphale. "Unless I should?" of course that came out as a question.

"No, we do not need the chair," Aziraphale to the rescue. "Thank you, my good sir, but we are fine at the moment. I shall seek you out if there is any further assistance required. Come along, Newton, let us continue to browse."

"I'm sorry, Aziraphale," Newt dug for something in his pocket before passing the item to the former celestial entity. "I think me coming was a bad idea."

"Are these the keys to Dick Turpin?"

"I think maybe I do some time to myself."

"Oh? Are you sure that's-"

"Just leave the car at your place."

"At my place? You don't want me to drop it off at Jasmine Cottage?" Newt started to walk away. "You will be back for it, won't you?" The younger man continued to walk off. "Newton? Newt?"

Tracy made her way over to Aziraphale. "Where's Newt goin' off to?"

"I haven't the foggiest idea. He just said he needed time to himself and walked away."

"He didn't take his car?"

"That's something that worried me, Tracy: he didn't even call the car 'Dick Turpin'."

"Ooh. Poor boy, it must be serious. Unless he's using this as an excuse to try and sneak off to see Anathema again."

"He would have likely taken Dick Turpin if he was so desperate to see her."

"Should we go after him?"

"Honestly, I don't know. Yes, I am worried, but a little time to himself may help him clear his head. I think this may be beneficial to him."

"When do you suppose he'll be back?"

"I can't say. In all actuality, I don't really know what to say."

"Should we call it a day and go back to your cottage to wait for him?"

"Yes, I suppose we should. Go back and see how our husbands corrupted the children."

"Husbands?"

Aziraphale stopped in his tracks. "Oh my Heavens, I did say 'husband' in regards to Crowley."

"You and Crowley are married! That's marvelous, Dear. Oh, you must tell me everything!"

"It was merely a slip of the tongue. Crowley and I are not joined in holy matrimony."

"Not yet, anyway."

"We've only just established a romantic relationship; there's no need for us to rush into things."

"Yes, by all means, can't get married unless you've been together for 7000 years." Tracy smiled a bit too smugly at him. "You want him to propose to you, don't you?"

Aziraphale pretended to look through some various knick-knacks. "Well…it'd be nice. He is the one who initiated the relationship, it's only fair that he initiates the engagement."

"Do you know how Mr. Shadwell initiated our engagement?" Aziraphale shook his head. "He asked me how many nipples I had."

"Good Lord."

"No, but that was his own special way of doing it. He didn't have to outright ask 'will you marry me, Jezebel'."

"The Jezebel part doesn't really seem all that necessary."

"But that's Mr. Shadwell's way. When he asked me the nipple question, that's how I knew he wanted to settle down and live the rest of his life with me. And as much as I love the man: I don't expect it'll be that much longer with all that sugar he ingests. It must be nice for you and Crowley to not worry about the 'rest of your life' part, what with you both being immortal."

"Yes, I suppose."

"Come on: let's go and pay for our things."

"I'm afraid I didn't get anything." Without saying a word, Tracy looked down at the book that had been hastily hidden in Aziraphale's tartan jacket. "Oh," he nervously chuckled as he took out the book and tossed it aside, "how'd that get in there?"

"In through the nose, out through the mouth," the instructor for the birthing class did the demonstrating. "Now inhale," everyone but Crowley did so, "and exhale," and then they all (except Crowley) blew out their breaths in succession. "Inhale…exhale."

Crowley was having none of this. "My God, this place sounds like one end of an obscene phone call."

"You too, Mr. Crowley. In through the nose-"

"-out through the mouth, I got that part." He shooed her away. "All this, Book Girl, this is a load of-"

"Okay," the instructor clapped her hands together as if it was deliberate, "I did promise us one more film on the last day of class. So if you'll all get yourselves comfortable, I'll get it started."

"Oh, a movie? Great!"

"Help me down," Anathema told him.

"Yeah, sure," he watched the other pregnant women and their partners as he guided her onto her blanket. "With all the heavy breathing and people getting onto the floor like this, one would think they're back at Caligula's." He then couldn't help but notice Anathema grimace and smooth her bump. "Kickin' again?"

"Huh?"

"The last few times you put your hand to your stomach, you said the thing was kickin' the crap out of you. It doin' it again?"

"Yeah. Sometimes I think this baby's going to be a soccer player. Oh, sorry, football."

"Yeah, don't care, say how you want to say it. Hey, you think we can get some popcorn?"

"Trust me, Crowley: you're not gonna want any popcorn for this movie."

"You know what we're watchin' then?"

"Sure, we watch one every other week. She just likes to mix it up to show what to expect."

"What to expect?"

"When you're expecting."

"Meh, didn't care for that movie. Whoever thought to give the guy from Glee a career outside of Broadway deserves a special spot in Hell. I bet it was Hastur."

"I bet you'll wish you were watching that movie instead."

"Can't be worse than that woman who cackled every time her husband touched her during those 'relaxation exercises' at the start of the class."

"That laugh does take some getting used to. Hey, did you know she and her husband have five kids."

"Five kids, really?" Anathema nodded. "I'm surprised she hasn't died laughing." The lights dimmed as the instructor started the show. "This one looks like an old one."

"The miracle of birth," the narrator intoned as Crowley made himself comfortable. "It all happens here in the delivery room. On hand to assist the mother with the delivery are the doctors, nurses, and her husband who acts as her coach."

"Right, yeah, got all that, full ensemble picture."

"As you can see, the process of childbirth has now begun." Crowley's face twisted in terror and he subconsciously crossed his legs together. "Notice how the mother is helping the baby along by 'pushing'."

"What, lady, ew, why are you doin' that?"

"Observe how the Lamaze method helps to reduce the pain."

"I told Newt it was Lamaze!" Anathema triumphantly whispered.

"Call it whatever you want, 's still ungodly disgusting," Crowley was squirming in his seat. "Can't the doctor just reach in there and yank the demon spawn out?"

"You've never seen a human birth, have you?"

"The mother is continuing to push to help the baby emerge into the outside world," the film's narrator went in.

"This is what you humans find miraculous?" Crowley questioned. "How can you even wa—AAH, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?"

"See that the baby's head is becoming visible."

"Book Girl, shield your eyes!" Crowley covered Anathema's eyes, but Anathema pushed his hand away to keep watching.

"Now the camera moves in closer."

"Nope, can't do it!" the demon quickly rose off the floor. He then made a retching sound as he caught one final look at the screen and ran outside.

"No, I think that's the ovary right there," Adam pointed to the photo on a blank worksheet.

"Aren't there supposed to be two of them?" Wensley questioned.

The three boys all looked to Pepper. "Just because I'm a girl, you expect me to know all the parts of the female reproductive system?"

They all nodded back to her, responding with a chorus of "yeahs".

"Ugh," Pepper rolled her eyes. "That's sexist of you all to assume so…but no, that's the uterus you were pointing to."

"Thanks, Pepper," Adam thanked.

"I'll not have you stupid boys ruin my good grades."

"So these two are the ovaries?" Wensley asked for confirmation.

"And that must be the vagina," Adam concluded.

"Then where's the clitoris?" Brian inquired.

"Somewhere you boys will never find," Pepper answered back as she labeled that specific part on her worksheet.

Shadwell let out a disgusted groan. "The things they be teachin' the kids these days." He shrugged. "Ah well: better they find out now than from their parents when they're older."

Adam finished labeling the diagram. "Okay, so that's health class finished. What's next?"

"Maybe we should read Lord of the Flies now," Pepper wondered.

"I'm not," Brian decided. "I'm gonna wait til we watch the movie."

"I think we should do that on our own time," Wensley suggested. "I can't really stay for much longer anyway. Ever since Mum and Dad heard about this illness, we haven't really been going out much."

"What illness?"

"It's just some virus or something. I suspect it'll be going away soon. Maybe we should all go over our maths assignment."

"Probably for the best."

"WOOF!" Dog called for attention.

"What is it, Dog?" Adam asked his canine companion. The pooch whined in response. "Again?" Another whine. "Probably all those dog treats you ate. We gotta pause guys: I have to take Dog."

"I'll take 'im," Shadwell volunteered.

"You will?"

"The lot of ya seem ta be doin' fine on yer own and this'll give me somethin' ta do."

Adam readied Dog for his walk and passed the older man the leash. "Thanks, Mr. Shadwell."

"Think nothin' of it, Lad. Now ya all get back ta learnin' things that won't help ya in the future. Come on, Mutt," out they went.

"Things that won't help us in the future?"

"I doubt that daft old fool knows what he's talking about," Pepper blew it off. "Now let's see how bad you all did in algebra."

"Feeling better, Mr. Crowley?" the instructor asked Crowley upon him returning to the nearly empty classroom.

"Just peachy," he couldn't look this woman in the eye. "Where'd Book Girl go?"

"Anathema? She just went to the loo. I'm not sure how long she'll be, but you're welcome to help yourself to some reading material until she's done."

"Whatcha got?"

She looked through a brief selection on her desk. "I have The Picture Book of Childbirth."

"I, uh…I think I'm good."

"If you insist. Have a lovely day, Mr. Crowley."

"Yeah, you too there…Teach." Crowley awkwardly shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked back and forth on his heels before deciding to glance at the book. "Ngk!" he tried not to vomit as he closed the book. "That. Is. Unnatural."

A paler Anathema entered the room. "Um, Crowley, I'm pretty sure this is it."

"I know: I thought this class would never end," he noticed she was clutching her abdomen. "You alright there, Book Girl?"

"I think," she let out a cry and winced—which in turn elicited a sort of scream from Crowley, "okay I am in labor."

"No you're not!"

"I beg to differ."

"You can't be in labor!"

"Well I am!"

"Are you sure?" Anathema responded with an agonized moan. "You don't have to prove it!"

"Crowley, calm down."

"Don't tell me to bloody calm down, I'm having a baby!" She shot him an 'are you serious' look. "Teach! I'll go get the instructor!" He ran outside to fetch the teacher. "OY, TEACH!" he called. "Teach, can you…and she drove off." Back inside he ran. "The instructor left."

"I heard." Anathema took some breaths. "Let's not panic, that's not good for the baby."

"Not good for me either."

"We'll just get to the hospital."

"Should I call an ambulance?"

"You drove here!"

"And you expect me to drive you to the hospital too?"

"Could you?"

Crowley paced back and forth for a moment before unleashing a, "NGK! Fine! I'll drive you to the damn hospital. Can you just…"

"Just?"

"…just hold it in until we get there."

"You really don't know how childbirth works do you?"

"You saw that movie, you tell me!" Anathema cried out in pain again. "Right, hospital," Crowley ran to the Bentley and started for the hospital.

Anathema sighed. "I expected this. Granted I expected it from Newt, but I did expect this."

She heard tires squeal outside and Crowley was running back in again. "I'm back."

"I noticed."

"Figured it'd be kinda hard to have the baby without you there." This was enough to garner a little chuckle from Anathema. "You okay? You feeling calm?"

"I think so."

"Good. You think you can do the driving then?" There was that look again. "Right, yeah, sorry. A crisis really isn't the time for rational thought."


Let's give credit where credit is due: While the scene at the Lamaze is mostly borrowed from The Jeffersons, the "obscene phone call line" was actually from Mama's Family. Snuck some Matthew Morrison references in there just to pick on him. There was also a blink and you'll miss it reference to The Simpsons from Shadwell. Lord of the Flies for reading material as I'm sure most of us had in junior high. Plus at the end, Crowley references another line Aziraphale said in chapter one. I also tried to sprinkle in a few things from the show (like Anathema asking "could you?", "Dick Turpin", Crowley shouting "OY" to get someone's attention only for it to be too late, or the "daft old fool").