AN: THANKS FOR READING. I WILL KEEP JOINING TWO CHAPTERS IN ONE SO I CAN GET FORWARD ON THIS STORY. WE FINALLY GET TO KNOW KYLE'S SECRET.

D: LAW AND ORDER SVU AND ALL ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.

CHAPTER 79 KATE

I snuggle into his arms capturing his delicious aroma, thanking that this time what I see in his eyes is not something terrifying, rather I find his beautiful blue eyes patiently waiting. I have something to tell him. It's silly how nervous I feel for this just been a dream.A dream I haven't had in a while. I've been so focused on the job that I haven't even give my brain any time or energy to dream.

—What did you want to tell me, Liv?— He asks encouraging me to continue.

—Well ... I think you already know.— This is my subconscious after all. If I know then I suppose he should know it too. Anyways, It just feels as if he really was here. As if this encounters were real.

—How do I say it?— I have trouble finding the exact words.

—Why don't you just show it to me?— He says smiling warmly at me. It's a better idea if I just separate myself from his warm body a little and let him see my belly. I don't want to let go of him a bit. His hand slides slowly between our bodies, as reading my mind, and warmly lands on the lump. He knows.

—I am with you.— He says with that familiar tone. I now realize the meaning of those words, it is not the first time I dream of them. All this time he has wanted to tell me. He knew even before I find out.

I take my hand over his and suddenly I feel a strong movement under my skin, too strong. I feel my heart start beating hard and I turn scared looking for his gaze.

—Elliot?— Everything begins to blur and I try not to let go of his hand in an attempt to stay asleep but it is impossible.

Soon I am back in my bed, with a heavy and uncomfortable breath. And a accelerated heartbeat. I try to be completely surrounded by reality observing my furniture and my stuff. Everything is as I left before sleeping. I keep one hand under the pillow, hugging it tightly and the other one on my belly. I try to focus on my heartbeat and work to restore my breathing until I slowly let go of the pillow. But, before i can get the calm I am seeking, the movement is back. Unconsciously, my other hand flies to land also on my belly. This time was soft. Just a light tap that hit my hand from inside my body. But it was enough to paralyze me. My blood froze and I desperately lift my blouse to feel my skin waiting for something more. And there it is. I feel it again. I can't believe it, it's not strong like in my dream, it is so dim.

The warm tears slides down my cheeks as I feel it one more time. My hands attached to my belly as if my life depended on it. My heart pounding hard against my ribs. It is amazing to see how decisive and completely necessary this moment has become for me. This first light touch has changed my whole world. Where before I thought was no more left for me, nothing that made me want to live anymore. Now there is a tiny little tap. I feel a strange sensation in my chest, but it is not burning or pain, it is as if my heart's growing, and even bigger than it used to be before. As if the entire gap that it had left was now being filled. It even makes me dizzy. I want it as if it were air to breathe, it is no longer a choice but rather a necessity.

I can feel how the mist tries to overshadow this moment, the feeling of loneliness wants to make an appearance but it is weak now. I am not alone, he is here with me, maybe not in person but his energy will always be here and now it is stronger than ever.

As always, I am late for my medical appointment. I have overslept more than normal, so I had to bathe with cold water. Something must be wrong with the heater, but I didn't have the time to check it with my landlord. A bowl of cereal is the only thing that I can manage to eat before running straight to Kyle's office.

The amount of people in the city is not something that has ever bother me. Well until today, there is not a single free taxi and the subway, as always, is jammed. Now that I have a bulging belly it is really uncomfortable. Being among so many people makes me uncomfortable, apart from that, the temperature in the city has been getting higher and higher. A sign that summer is approaching.

—You're late again.— The receptionist tells with her cute smile as I rush inside the building.

—I'm sorry.— I apologize almost out of breath. I hate the fact that I get exhausted faster than before.

—He's waiting for you inside.— She points to the door trying to contain her laughter.

—Thank you.— I walk towards the entrance to get into the office. I watch Kyle look up from behind his desk when he sees me enter.

—Late ... again.— He leaves a couple of papers on the table and takes off his thin glasses.

—I'm sorry, Kyle.— I apologize feeling my cheeks getting red. He just smiles at me and points to the examination bed, so I head over there. I try to get on it and soon he's by my side helping me.

—I felt it.— I couldn't wait anymore to tell him the news. His expression is strange. I can read some doubt. Was it not something he was waiting for as a doctor? Is it not okay?

—Excuse me?—

—I felt the baby move, last night.— I explain.

—It was about time.— He says taking his artifacts somewhat indifferent. —How was it?— He tries not to see me in the eyes thinking that this way he can hide the pain on them. I recognize that pain so easily. It is not the first time that he has that look and such a strange attitude towards me. Closing. It makes me feel helpless because I know that there is something that bothers him and despite the fact that we have become good friends I have not been able to find a way to touch personal issues. He always evades me, either by changing the subject or just playing deaf. I understand the hint and I don't insist any more, but it starts to bother me.

—At first I did not know if I really felt it or if it was just a dream.— i start explaining. —But then it moved again. I couldn't sleep waiting for it to happen again.— I say while he asks me to lie down.

—Where did you feel it?— He asks uncovering my belly.

—Here.— I slide my hand to the lower part of my abdomen to be able to point out the exact point. He places his warm hand on my skin pressing a little.

—It must be its knee. I was expecting you to feel it. It was light right?— He says paying more attention to his task than to me.

—Yes ... light.—

—Have you eaten balanced?— I feel the anger growing in me. I was really eager to share with him this beautiful moment and he is overshadowing it.

—I hate when you do that.— I finally complain aloud almost unconsciously.

—What?— He keeps avoiding eye contact moving the stethoscope over my belly. So I stop his hands forcing him to look up into my eyes.

—This!— I take the device in my hands —You burst my bubble of happiness, Kyle!— I complain frustrated.

—I'm sorry.— His eyes trying to run away again. —I'm glad you finally felt it.—

—You always do this. Stop talking like a doctor.— I really don't think I can stop talking even though I know I should.

—Liv, I'm your doctor.— There he's trying to push me away. Of course, when it suits him he is my great friend and when it does not suit him he is just my doctor. I don't say anything else. I let go of his hands and now I'm the one looking down, trying to swallow the angry words. —Look how much your belly has grown. Its size should be about 10 inches and it's weigh approximately .8 pounds. You are almost six months, right?—

—Yes. Go on Dr. Beresford.— I say with a serious expression.

—Oh, Liv. Don't be mad.— He say realizing my obvious anger. —I'm sorry, it's just that... it's difficult for me.— He looks down and puts her things aside. I keep quiet trying to ignore him, but I think I finally managed to open the door I wanted to open. I subtly move my eyes to see him. He keeps his head down seeing his hands while he plays with his robe.

—Why?— In the end I ask. I can't contain my curiosity and I should take this opportunity if I want to know a little more about him. He lets out a sigh and walks up to a ledge, picks up one of the picture frames, and returns without much encouragement.

—She is... was my sister.— I look at the photo and I recognize the red-haired woman that I had already seen. I knew it was all about her. Melinda gave me that information, and every time I thought about it I just imagined worse and worse things.

—And this is my niece.— He picks up a small photo I didn't notice him taking. I take a look carefully, hoping to see a beautiful girl with those green eyes as beautiful as her sister's, but to my surprise the image is not exactly of a girl. It is the photo of an ultrasound. I look at it with a little doubt, although my ideas begin to connect. —Kate came to town a little over a year ago.— I can see how his words come out with difficulty as he tries to clear his voice. He takes a sit and sighs. I can recognize the pain in his eyes when he looks up to me.

—Kyle, you don't have to tell me.— I say, getting out of the bed carefully and crouching in front of him until I was squatting.

—I want to tell you, Liv.— I observe how he seeks serenity to continue. —My family lives in Canada, so I don't spend much time with them.— Now I know why he was alone at Christmas. —She came to visit me with great news.— He takes the small picture of the ultrasound and a sad smile appears on his face. —I remember well when she told me about her pregnancy, she was so happy. She asked me to let her stay with me, her boyfriend was a jerk. He had left her as soon as he found out. He never valued her.— He stops for a moment and remains motionless with his fists clenched trying to retract his anger. I take the opportunity to get myself into a nearby chair because I'm honestly not comfortable at all. I wonder if I should ask any questions to encourage him to continue or should I just wait. —I was the happiest man to receive her in my house. We enjoyed so much time, time we had lost before. I took care of her. I helped her. I wanted to see her happy. They both deserved to be happy.— His gaze turns crystalline and his voice raspy. I take his hand between mine trying to give him some calm.

—What happened?— I ask without being able to swallow the anxiety.

—I wanted to go to my mother's house, so that the little one would be born in Montreal and could be with our grandmother. She is too old to travel.— He squeezes my hand, giving me to understand how difficult it is fro him to tell this. —I did not want us to go by plane, it is not very far by car and she was already eight months pregnant. It was not good for her to get on a plane. I thought it would be a nice road-trip between siblings but, I did not think about the risks.— He breathes deeply swallowing his saliva strongly, getting rid of the knot that surely had lodged in his throat. —There was snow on the road and fog. It was getting late and some lights came straight towards us so I tried to get out of the way but...— The tears escape his eyes as I try to contain mine.

—It all happened to fast. I woke up on a hospital in Canada without knowing what happened. Liv, I didn't have a single scratch on me, but she...— He is silent and I really don't need him to say more. I think the rest is...obvious.

—I'm sorry.— It's terrible to just be able to say those words. Those fucking words I've hated to hear so much. So I try with something else. —It wasn't your fault.— But once I hear my voice I realize that surely those are words that he hasn't stopped hearing himself.

—I know.— He sighs and walks away from me taking a couple of tissues to wipe his tears. —I thought that I would never be able to come back to my life. My parents were devastated. I wanted to stay there forever but they insisted I had to come back and I did. Still I couldn't get out of bed for days until one night an emergency call from Samuel made me leave my apartment.— I perfectly understand what he is talking about. I remember when it was me the one locked in an apartment on a zombie state of mind. I'm back to work now and... that question that has been invading me for months, has now an answer.

—Samuel?— I say as I take my time registering he has mentioned him.

—Yes. He personally called me the night they found you in the park.—

—Oh.— Not much more comes out of my mouth. I'm trying to process all the information.

—When I found out what happened with Elliot, I guessed what you were going through. You two were like family to each other.—

—Yes.— I still have no words.

—Liv, are you okay?— How is it that is him the one asking me that?

—Processing.— I explain while some ideas pass through my mind. I realize that I haven't had to tell anyone what happened. I've never said it out loud. I have never told the facts to anyone. I have taken pains to get away from that moment with each passing day. Seen him telling his story makes me realize that at some point I'll have to tell mine to someone. And I'm afraid I won't have the strength that Kyle shows.

—Livia, I don't want to get too fond of...this. I don't want to suffer like that again.— So that's the reason of his walls. Of his sudden random coldness. Well, I wouldn't want to go through that pain again either, but... I don't want him to walk away.

TO BE CONTINUED

AN: THANKS FOR READING AND REVIEWING. STAY SAFE.