AN: THANKS FOR READING. PLEASE LET ME KNOW YOUR OPINIONS AND/OR GUESSES.

D: LAW AND ORDER SVU AND ALL ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.

CHAPTER 82 IT'S COMPLICATED

—Liv, your phone.— Kyle's voice bring me out of shock but before I can react the call is lost.

—How...— how is HE calling me?

—Everything okay?... Duty call?— Kyle asks without taking his eyes off my shaking hand.

—No. I don't know.— My mind starts to work slowly trying to find a logical explanation. But it doesn't give me much time when it starts ringing again. This time I hasten to answer.

—Hello?— Deep in my being I hope to hear his voice.

—Olivia? Hello. I hope I am not interrupting.— The woman's voice sounds a bit familiar.

—No, you're not... ahm... who...—

—Kathy.— I feel my stomach falling when I get the information.

—Sure, hi Kathy. Is everything okay?— I ask doubtfully.

—Yes. Don't witty. The twins asked me to find them your number and I took the opportunity to say hello.—

—Oh, Hi.— Thousands of ideas come to my mind. The image of the twins on the beach and the agreement of meeting soon is followed by the one of Kathy in the captain's office and at the funeral. The ultrasound I just saw of my little man. The doubt invades me immediately, have the twins told him about my pregnancy?

—I was wondering if you would like to go for a coffee someday.— Her voice sounds kind and somewhat doubtful.

—Of course Kathy. Well... I have a lot of work but I'm sure I can find some free time.— I answer politely without thinking very well what the hell I'm saying until I hear it.

—I can imagine how busy you are. We'll find the time.—

—Yes, you know how this job is.— All those years married to my partner backup that.

—Yes... Well, I'll give the kids your number if it's okay with you.—

—Of course there is no problem.— I wonder what expression I have because Kyle doesn't take his eyes off me.

—Okay then. Have a nice day.— Kathy says goodbye.

—Thanks. Same.— I hang up immediately and let out a huge sigh.

—All good?—

—Yes. I wasn't expecting this call.— I explain trying to calm my nerves. Of course, I wasn't expecting an incoming call from Elliot's number ever again. It never crossed my mind that someone else could just use his house's number to call me. Let alone Kathy. Something in my chest starts to burn and I try to control it.

—Hey, breathe.— I feel Kyle's hand on mine and the fear vanishes. I am infinitely grateful that he is close right at this moment. It is like the perfect antidote to the strong burning in my chest.

—I'm fine.— I express, taking his hand in mine in appreciation.

—Come on, it's getting late.— he says, trying to divert my attention without asking for any kind of explanation.

—Yes, we have to work tomorrow.— I say, getting up from my chair.

—Lets me get you both to your home.— He says putting his hand on my belly. I smile at him and (as I've learned not to) I don't even try to reproach.


I've spent the whole night tossing and turning in bed trying to settle in to sleep, but it is not possible, and the constant movement of my little man does not help much. I've gotten up for milk. I've gone to the bathroom. I kept reading chapter 6 of the book but I can't get the ringtone out of my head. It is like a reality check, as everything around me continues to remind me of someone who is no longer in this world but who will somehow keeps existing.

I take my cell phone and search through the folders for the sound that torments me so much. Foot anyone else it could be a normal ringtone but for me it has more meaning. It was the one that woke me up a thousand times at mornings and sometime even at nights. The ringtone that I expected to hear when we were apart from each other. The ringtone that brought me calm after we fight. The ringtone I expected to listen to whenever I was feeling down. And I did.

I let it reproduce and it only serves to make the burning in my chest more intense. Anyone would consider me a masochist doing this, but I need it to feel reality again. I have spent time trying to avoid the memories, but I feel that the longer I stop remembering the more blurred my memory becomes. And, at this point, it seems that those memories are the only thing I have left to defend. They are treasures that I cannot allow myself to forget, as painful as this may be. I will not let them disappear.

I decide to go into the message application and scroll down to find his name. Out conversation. I open it and scroll all the way up to find the very first one. I like the memories that this gives me. Memories as simple as the fact that we never wrote a "hello" because it seemed absurd and a waste of time, but we always put our nickname at the end of the message no caring that we would know that it was the other because of the registered number. Memories as how after a fight he would try to soften things up with a simple message with a smile face, and the fact that it always worked. We never had to say much to understand each other and in the messages it was exactly the same. We did not have to write much to express so much.

Without realizing it, fatigue began to win over me and even though I struggled to keep my eyes open, I ended up asleep.

I enter Melinda's office cautiously and look around to find her at the other side of the window on her examination table, probably working on a corpse. So I better stay where I am. The sickness hasn't appeared in the past days and I rather keep it that way.

—Hey Liv.— She greets me waving her hand when she sees me. I make a sign that I'll wait for her in the office. I don't plan to enter that room. I sit in one of the comfortable chairs and relax, my hands are placed on my belly as they've claim that place as their favorite.

—Are you hungry? — I my little man when I notice movement inside me. —We can go for tapioca tea and a sandwich.— I don't think it is a bad idea.

—Hello pregnant Benson.— I listen to Melinda and I turn my eye to find her approaching me while drying her hands with a towel.

—Hello Mel.— She approaches to place her hands on me, just like everyone else does.

—Hey, how's everything going?— Because of the baby tone with which she is talking I don't know if she is asking me or him, but she looks up waiting for an answer from me.

—Fine. The book you gave me is very good, thank you... really.— I say, remembering each of the tips that have really helped me.

—It's a whole bible for pregnant women, right?—

—Yes, all the symptoms are very well explained and with the possible solutions. It helps more than Kyle himself in some cases.— I say mockingly remembering my stupid dream. To tell the truth, the possible solution from the book is somewhat obvious... sex.

—How long are you now?— She asks surrounding her desk to take her place.

—Almost seven months.—

—Oh... the seventh, huh? — Her tone of voice bothers me a bit. I don't know if she knows what I'm going through or I'm just imagining she knows. —The best of the symptoms.— She says taking some papers from her desk.

—Hunger?— I say playing dumb.

—Not exactly.— She answers looking at me with doubt.

—ahm... I came for the final report to close the Davon's case.— I leave the subject immediately trying to take the papers from her hand. Kid of obvious since she already knew what I was here for. I told her on the phone. Not my smartest outing.

—You know what I'm talking about.— She affirms with a perceptive smile. I can't help but laugh because she knows perfectly well that I know what she is talking about. Perfectly. —Have you read chapters 6 and 7?—

—I still haven't finished number 7.—

—Well, there they will give you several options, Liv. But, if you want my opinion, only one works 100 percent— Are there more options? Good. I have to hurry and finish reading that chapter after killing Kyle.

—I guess so.— Is the only thing I can say.

—Olivia.— She stops trying to find the words what really scares me. She is not dropping the subject. —Have you thought about, maybe, I don't know, looking for someone with whom...—

—What?— Let me ask my dreams. Oh yeah, I've thought about it.

—Having sex during pregnancy can be wonderful.— She stats.

—Yes, I read it in a book.— I said ironically, getting up from the chair. She just laughs a little.

—So?— Well, what do I answer? "I'll go see what I find in the bar tonight" or "of course let me check the men's catalog" Any ironic response would be good for the situation. But the truth is much less funny and more painful than I would like to accept.

I don't want to be with any other man. I just don't.

—It's complicated.— Is the only thing I can say. Whenever I don't want to answer something because the truth is that words can't describe it, I come up with the same answer "it's complicated."

Melinda stops smiling and looks at me with a look of understanding. I don't need to say much for her to know what I'm talking about, or rather who.

—I get it.— She says within a sigh while I nod with my eyes.

—Thanks for the papers.— I tell her leaving the office, trying to control the feelings. I think I have progressed in that. At least I manage to keep the tears inside.


I breathe deeply, taking away from me the memories of the cold night I spent here. I haven't came back here since that rainy night. At least not while I am awake. I've only been here in my nightmares and dreams. Dreams in which he is always beside me. It scares me to face the pain it may cause me but I think I can handle it. I hope.

I sit on a bench in the middle of the park trying to focus on the children running around playing happily. I wait patiently for Elizabeth and Dickie to show up, they shouldn't be long. We have arranged to meet at 2:30 pm to eat together as we had promised and it is 2:46 pm. It should not be long.

Doubt keeps invading me constantly. It is not something I like to think about, much less try to find a solution for it. I know the wisest thing to do would be to ask them as soon as I can, because otherwise I'll never know if Kathy knows or not.

I don't know what reaction to expect from her knowing. On one hand she could be furious, and it is not that we were having an affair, Elliot and she had been divorced months before something else happened between us, but I am sure it has run in her mind that we had an affair while they still were married. It is something that never happened, but nevertheless everyone in the office would joke about it every now and then, so I do not doubt that she also thought about it at some time. On the other hand she may feel sad... maybe. I can't really anticipate her reaction, but I can be sure she wont be showing the happiness everyone else had.

And wondering about that, I haven't given any serious thought on how I will tell the guys at the office. Who the father is. Several people already know. Melinda, Casey, Alex, Kyle, Lizie, Dickie and Bernie, but mostly they all just guessed. I didn't really have to tell anyone. How is it still a secret? How come others still can't guess? Maybe they do... they just don't put it into words.

Munch isn't one to keep his mind for him alone. Maybe they don't. It would be much easier if everyone just guessed and saved me the trouble of thinking these things. Samuel's words from back when he noticed my pregnancy echo inside my mind. "You should be the one to tell them. I am not making your job easier." I let out a tired sigh. I just place my hands on my belly and focus on the image of the little man growing inside me and shush my thought with the same words I've been shushing them... This is none of their business.

—Olivia!— A sweet voice catches my attention and I look around to see Elizabeth appear behind some bushes. I wave at her to let her know that I have already seen her.

—Hi!— She comes closer quickly with a huge smile on her face. I get up from the bench and approach her to stretch my arms to receive her affectionate hug.

—How are you?!— She asks me without letting go.

—Fine, and you?— When she moves away a little, she places her hands on my belly.

—Fine too. You are showing now.— She say excitedly with a singular sparkle in her blue eyes.

—Yes, it can no longer been hidden.—

—Do you know if is a boy or a girl already?— She asks.

—I do. It's a boy. I just found out last week.—

—A boy.— She repeats without taking her hands off my belly. —Uhm.—

—What's the matter?— I ask trying to understand what is going inside her mind.

—Dick and I made a bet. I thought it would be a girl.— She can't take her hands off me or help but smile despite being upset about losing her bet. —I owe him a video-game.—

—Oh.. Sorry... I guess.— It is not like if I have chosen the gender.

—No worries. Can you imagine that you were having twins?— Such an idea had never crossed my mind, so it catches me off guard.

—I had never thought about it.— I answer her truthfully.

—Well, there was a chance.— She says, turning around somewhat distractedly. —Men put the twins gene.—

—Speaking of twins... Where's yours?— I ask guessing she is actually looking around for him.

—ahm. There they come.— She points to someplace where I focus my gaze to try to identify him among the people who come out of the park. Wait... they? I soon find young Richard walking towards us but its not him I put my attention on but rather the woman who comes next to him. Kathy.

TO BE CONTINUED...

AN: THANKS FOR READING. STAY SAFE.