AN: THANKS FOR READING! THE END IS COMING... FINALLY. ILL LOVE TO READ THE OPINIONS OF THOUSE FEW THAT ARE STILL READING THIS.
I SPENT SOME DAYS ON A BEAUTIFUL BEACH HERE IN MEXICO AND A NEW FIC IDEA CAME TO MY MIND. BUT I WONT BEGIN THAT ONE UNTIL I FINISH UPDATING THIS ONE HERE.
D: LAW AND ORDER SVU AND AL ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.
CHAPTER 84 DE-ANESTHETIZER
I'm now officially out of duty. The captain insisted that I began my pregnancy leave earlier, even though I said it wasn't necessary yet. I couldn't refuse much since everyone was on his side and, to be honest, lately I have felt more exhausted than usual. I have to run to the bathroom more frequently than before and sometimes I find it hard to breathe. Kyle has explained why and that I don't have to worry about it so I don't. And all that is more bearable if I'm at my apartment. Much better to be home resting than to be flustered with paper work. So at the end of the day I agreed to retire a few weeks earlier.
—Thirty-one weeks.— I let out the number in a sigh while I look at the ceiling of my room. I find myself lying on my back in my underwear patiently waiting for the little one to move once more. Kyle has recommended that I monitor the movements inside my belly. How many movements does he make in an hour or so, trying to feel what position he is in, seeing his reactions to external sounds, among several other things. I've been here for a long time patiently waiting but today he is just too lazy.
—Hello in there... move.— I ask once more, but I don't get any answer. —You'll be kicking me all night. Please... wake up.— I move my hip trying to encourage him. I can see my huge belly moving from side to side. From this perspective it looks ever bigger. I can also see my chest rise and fall with the heavy breathing, my breasts have grown a lot and sometimes they hurt. My hips keep growing and my legs swell if I walk for too long and the changes go on and on.
My body is not the only thing changing around here. I'm not used to having people at home but lately it's not an option. Elizabeth and Alexandra have come to visit me and have forced me to walk several blocks to buy baby clothes. Kyle insisted that I have a nursery ready for the little one, so he decided to go furniture shopping and, with Richard and Fin's help they've changed the entire guest room. They painted the walls, put in new furniture and took out the old one. I've juts accepted it and try to stay calm with so much movement in my house.
—Oh, that's it. You are active again.— He kicks again interrupting my thoughts. Which makes me happy because that way I can move myself. I get up with difficulty and walk to the closet. I put my oversized shirt on top. Almost all the clothes I wear have to be maternity, so I appreciate that my shirt still fits.
The early summer heat is terrible in the city, so I keep the air conditioning on throughout the day. At night I leave it a little lower and sleep only with my sheet on top. I brush my teeth, comb my hair, go to the bathroom to secure a night without having to get up and go back to bed. In the meantime the little bean keeps busy with his movements.
I try to settle in with a pillow in between my legs. I take Elliot's blue shirt to place it next to my belly.
—Now, you can go to sleep my love.— I whisper him hoping we both can have a peaceful night.
—Phillip?— Kyle asks me as we walk through the aisles of the store.
—Yes, Don't you like it?— I turn to see him while I put the bread in my cart.
—Yes, it's a nice name but...— He distracts himself by handing me my favorite cookies from the highest shelf.
—But?—
—I don't know. I thought you would name him Elliot.— He looks at me with doubt in his eyes.
—Well I have also thought about it but... let's say that Phillip is a special name.— Of course I have thought about it, but, somehow, naming him Elliot doesn't fulfill me.
—Special? and can I know why?— This man's curiosity intrigues me. He always wants to know more, or rather he always knows when my words hide more than they express. And the most interesting thing is that his curiosity does not bother me at all.
—Do you remember that I went to Long Beach Island?— We reach the cash registers and begin to take out the things from the cart to place them on the band.
—Yes, with his family right?—
—Milk!— I shout when I notice that we have forgotten it. He stares at me with a funny expression and starts laughing.
—I'll get it.— He goes back to the interior of the store still with a smile on his face.
It is nice how I have gotten used to his presence. We eat together whenever his work allows it. We have been working in the baby's room together, and every Sunday he comes with me grocery shopping, and sometimes, if my feet allow it, we go for an ice cream and for a walk in the park.
I am grateful to have him around. He keeps me out from my thoughts. It's not that I never think of Elliot, in fact he is on my mind all the time. It is more as if with Kyle's presence, my thoughts can't get dark. He manages to almost completely anesthetize the pain that my memories cause. I don't know how the hell it happens or why it happens, maybe some positive energy from him or something. But I don't care what it is as long as it stays that way.
—Did you find everything you were looking for?— The young cashier asks me kindly.
—Yes, thank you.— I let her start her job and keep my attention to the numbers on the screen.
—Ready.— Kyle appears behind me with the milk in his hands and a blue thing that catches my attention.
—What is that?— I ask taking the milk from his hands to let the lady charge them.
—A pajama for the little one. I found it.—
—Do you know how many clothes he already has?—
—But look at these little bunny.— He points to the fabric. —And the carrots that decorate here.— I look at him with disapproval. Alexandra and Casey were in charge of filling the small clothing cabinet. They washed all of the clothes, disinfected them and sort them by color and age. I think he will have clothes from here until he goes to college.
—I'll pay for it.— He says smiling at me like if that would somehow convince me. But it doesn't. I shake my head without saying anything else. I hear him make a strange complaining sound but he doesn't insist.
We arrive to my apartment and manage to put everything we bought in its place. I'm not used to having my fridge so full, or my pantry almost bursting. And I am definitely not used to see all that food disappear in a week.
—And will you tell me why Phillip is special?— And there is his curiosity again.
—Yes. Sit down and I'll tell you.— We walk to the sofa and I settle down with a couple of cushions around us.
—I'm all ears.— He says, staring at me. I try to remember Bernie's story as well as I can so I can tell it correctly.
—His mother told us many things about Elliot's childhood.— I hope that the memories will not make their way over me and reopen the hollow in my chest. I hope Kyle's presence keeps me safe. —When he was about eight years old they moved to a new neighborhood because his father was relocated at work. They had a neighbor who lived alone with his son who was the same age as Ell. Apparently they did not get along at first, but one day when both families had a barbecue together, the two kids agreed to play a joke on the parents, you know what they came up with?—
—No, but because of your smile I am imagining the worst.— He answers really attentive to the story.
—They put habanero in all the food except theirs.— My laugh comes out unconsciously when I imagine that mischief again —Bernie said they all had a horrible experience and had to drink all the milk they could found on the house. Both kids laughed so much that they got busted, but they enjoyed it so much they didn't even complain about their punishments. They knew the deserved it.— Kyle laugh floods the room.
—Oh my... that was evil.—
—Well, yes... but from there on they became best friends. Can you imagine two naughty children together all afternoon after school? And this little boy, the neighbor, was Phillip.—
—Oh... and you want to name your kid after him because you want him to be a naughty little one?—
—Oh no. This one will me naughty enough with Elliot's genes.— I assure him placing my hand on my belly.
—So... why Phillip and not Elliot.—
—I have not finished.— I scold him for interrupting me.
—I'm sorry, please continue.—
—There are endless stories about those two that Bernie told us. She said it was the best stage in Elliot's childhood, until Phillip got sick.— And then the smile fades from his face and a silence fills the room.
—what happened?— His curiosity encourages me to continue. I let out a heavy sigh.
—Cancer.— He already understands how this story is going to end, you don't have to be a genius to guess that.
—Terminal?—
—Yes. Elliot spent the entire illness at his side. They still managed to do a few mischiefs.— The other stories that Bernie told that night go through my mind, and I know that a smile is drawn on my face when I imagine the two ingenious children doing their thing in the neighborhood. I am glad that I had the opportunity to meet that part of Ell. He didn't talk much of his childhood. Not that I am complaining. He had his reasons as I had mine.
—It is not easy to lose someone special.— he says understanding.
—Not at all.— I let out a sigh snuggling against the back of the sofa as the tears accumulate inside my eyes. —Elliot loved his friend a lot and the kids said that he wanted to name the next boy after him. Though I don't think he was actually planing on having another one.— I try to joke a little but the words came out with a sob.
—Hey, Liv.— Kyle calls me trying to look me in the eyes. —I know how difficult this whole situation has been for you. And I know how strong you are but... I want you to know that I will always be here for you.— I am surprised by his words. I know we're kind of like friends but I'm not used to sweet talks. Not with him or anyone for that matters. —You can always count on me.— I am not sure what expression is on my face but he lets out a little laugh. —That sounded a little cheesy.—
—Yes a little.— I admit trying to hide my surprise in a smile. —I know it. I know I cant count on you, probably more than you think.— A huge smile appears on his face and I don't know why but I wish I had swallowed my words. I didn't tell him a lie but maybe I should have. Yes, I need him here with me, but I feel like his ideas are drifting to a place I don't want them to. —But maybe you shouldn't waste your time.— I try to fix it. Although I would not like him to listen to me, the more time he spends by my side the better I feel. I am so selfish.
—What?—
—Kyle I don't think I'll ever recover. And I don't think it's fun to spend so much time with me either. I've monopolized you, unconsciously, and I'm sorry.— Accepting selfishness is the best thing I can think of right now.
—Don't talk like that.—He takes my chin making me look up to see his eyes. —I have decided to spend time with you and I love it. It's the best thing that could have happened to me after...— Kate. I know. Maybe I have been as anesthetic to him as he is to me. He has enjoyed our time together as much as I had. But his face getting closer to mine makes me sure that he has misunderstood me.
I turn my face away and feel his lips collide against the skin of my cheek. Silence makes presence and we both freeze. I focus on the couple of feelings that come over me trying to figure out what to do.
—Kyle.— I call him trying to make the awkwardness go away but my shaking voice doesn't help. He moves away from me... jut enough to face me.
—Look me in the eye and tell me you don't feel anything for me, Olivia.— I can feel his gaze daring me to turn around. I can't deny it, even if what I feel for him is nothing more than a faint echo of the love I was once capable of feeling. I cannot deny it but neither can I affirm it because more than love I could say that what I feel is a terribly selfish need. —Liv.— He insists approaching again.
I know without a doubt what can happen if I lift my face and let him press his lips against mine. It would be very easy. Perhaps there would be no need for explanations tonight. But I'm not able to do it. It feels like betraying Elliot just to save me from an uncomfortable situation.
—Don't ruin this, please.— I finally speak, but I try to keep my face down. I just let my pupils up.
—Ruin what?— He asks moving away. I take the opportunity to move away and stand up as quickly as my belly allows me. How do I explain what I mean? How do I tell him that he is just a pain neutralizing person in my life? Not even I myself can accept how terrible selfish that sounds.
—You can't... don't do this!— Suddenly I find myself shouting, frustrated with helplessness.
—Ey, I am sorry but...—
—But nothing.— I stop him scared that he can convince me from the contrary.—You can't come in here and spoil this!— I shout angrily enough to surprise myself.
—And what is this exactly?—Even though he stands up he does not yell at me. He sounds annoying but without being startled. I manage to control myself and take a deep breath. Then I realize that my eyes are flooded with tears and that my throat burns with the lump that begins to lodge there. What am I supposed to do?
—I can't. I don't want to argue.— I don't want him to get angry. I don't want to hurt him and I don't want him to walk away. And this argue can only end up with that. He turns around and I hear him let out a sigh. I watch him move to the kitchen and take his keys.
—Kyle, I'm sorry.— I say trying to get him to turn around. I would like to go back in time for a few minutes and be able to react differently. I could have tried to avoid this outcome.
—It's ok, Liv.— He whispers with that tender tone of his. —Good night.— He opens the door and fear runs through my spine. But, even though I want to run and stop him... I can't. I freeze watching him disappear behind the wood.
I try to relax taking my attention to the warmth of the water on my body. I keep my eyes closed while I caress the soft skin of my belly that is under the foam and slightly raises above the water level. As soon as I am relaxed, the little one wakes up and begins to move inside me. I try to imagine him in there, listening to my heartbeat. It seems that everything is so peaceful being like this. As if nothing else existed outside this room, as if my world was perfect.
—Are you comfortable?— I like to talk to him, and feeling him react to my voice under my fingertips brings me unique warm.
Despite the tranquility around me, inside my mind everything is not so calm. I can't stop thinking about Kyle. I don't know if he's angry, which most likely is. Who am I kidding I'm sure has left angry, and it's all my fault. I let this get to this point, not that I was aware that it would happen but something inside me always told me that I should draw some kind of line between us. But I did not.
How I wish he had been my brother, one of flesh and blood, so that I could have some right over him. The universe knows I never meant for this to happen. I didn't want to take advantage of Kyle, but I can't help but realize that the guilt I feel right now is proof that I've done it. I've used him. I forced him open to me without the actual intention of reciprocating. I've never intended to love him. him or anyone else by that matter. Because, if there is one thing I know for sure deep down, from head to toe, in the imaginary wound inside my empty chest, it is that, to love someone is to risk losing them and being easily destroyed with that.
TO BE CONTINUED.
AN: SPECIAL THANKS TO SPACEKITTEN WHO HAS BEEN REDING AND REVIEWING SINCE FOREVER. YOU KNOW I APRECIATE THAT A LOT.
