AN: THANKS FOR READING.
D: LAW AND ORDER SVU AND ALL ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.
CHAPTER 85 WALK AWAY
I keep thinking on my situation with Kyle. He, as always, despite the ugliness of the situation, acted so calm and kid of comprehensive. I told him I didn't feel like discussing so he decided to leave. That is comprehensive, right? Well, him not discussing or forcing a discussion has left me in a doubtful position. But, there are three things that I am sure of.
Number one, Kyle has feelings for me and... I feel something for him as well. I can't do anything to go back in time and change that. Even though I would like to.
Number two, it was a big mistake to encourage him during all this time. A mistake that has been consequence of fear and pure selfishness. It doesn't matter if I ever tried to make my position on this clear to him, I didn't do a good job at all if he has stored up any hope that this could end in something other than friendship. How could I explain it to him without inflicting more damage? I am like an empty and wrecked building. Maybe some homeless people can mange to take shelter on it but they could never call it home. Although, there is hope of gradual repair due to the little human growing inside me, talking about relationships... that kind of love... There's no hope for it. Kyle deserves better than that.
And number three, and perhaps the most important and selfish of them all, I know I'm not strong enough to let him walk out of my life. Not, yet. I still need him to preserve that hope of gradual reparation. Maybe I can find a way to make him understand the importance he has in my existence without him hoping for more, maybe he would stay. Or maybe he wont. The mare idea makes me shudder. I can't bear the idea of hurting him but I can't see him walk away.
I get up gingerly and let the water go down the drain. I turn on the shower to rinse myself off and enjoy the cold water. Summer is wreaking havoc with my temperature and it has made me a habit to take a good bath before going to bed so I can sleep fresh. I get out to my room and look for my big shirt, it's funny that it already fits so tight when it used to look like a circus tent on my body.
—You go on and on growing.— I try to settle into my bed hoping that he has already done enough exercise on the bathtub to let me sleep tonight. But the truth is that if I am not getting any sleep tonight it won't be his fault but my constant thoughts.
What should I do? I don't want to betray anyone. I don't even know if it can be call that way. I wonder, wouldn't Elliot wish me to be as happy as possible? He always showed his dislike of my sadness, he always tried to encourage me in life and in the end he ended up been the one to give me all the happiness I could ask for.
Then, with the same clarity as months ago, Elliot's voice whispers in my ear: "Be Happy." I freeze, as it's been so long since I heard it... since I needed it.
I leave the car parked. I love being able to use these places reserved for future mothers so close to the entrances and exits of the buildings. I go downstairs and walk towards the entrance without much rush. I keep planning how to deal with Kyle, because if I'm here, on his private practice looking for him, it has nothing to do with the pregnancy at all.
My plan is to talk about it in a decent way, something that reassures me is that, as far as I know him, he is a person who knows how to keep calm when facing discussions. I've never seen him yell at someone or go out of his mind. But who knows? Maybe a little of discussion can help me. I know how to deal with that. Sometimes, so much peacefulness confuses me. It has never been easy for me to talk about personal matters with anyone, at least not about my personal matters. And the few times it was necessary to do so, things did not turn out very well. But hopefully this will be fine. I want to think that I can figure it out and get him to stay close to me.
I walk into the building trying to hide my nerves as I take a look into the elegant reception that I have become used to visiting twice or three times a month. I walk calmly staring at the door of his office, control my breathing and calmly approach it.
—Olivia.— Jane's voice, the receptionist, distracts me and makes me turn around. I have forgotten to say hello to her and I have dared to get inside without even asking. It did not occur to me that he may be busy.
—Hi Jane.— She smiles at me kindly.
—Hello Liv.— She greets and takes her gaze to her computer monitor and then back to me.
—Is he busy?— I ask.
—No. Actually he's not here. He called last night to cancel all his appointments.— Okay, I hadn't thought about that. It wasn't within my ideas. I really expected to find him here. Is he avoiding me? Well, he hasn't answered my calls so I wouldn't be so surprised if he was in there hiding from me, refusing to face me. I really hope that's not the case. —Actually, he asked me if you came to tell you to go to Mercy hospital.—
—Oh.— So he knew I would come to look for him. He must have a good reason for having to go to work at the hospital on the wrong day. I'm glad that at least he took the decency to leave me the message. —Well, thanks Kate I'll go there.—
—Your welcome. Be safe.— I return to the street as fast as I can without looking desperate and rush to get to my car.
I try to ignore the aroma that makes me dizzy and nauseous, concentrating on the people on the chairs in the waiting room. There's nothing out of the ordinary, it's not like there's been a huge emergency or some kind of epidemic. I can't find a good reason why Kyle would have had to cancel all his private appointments for the entire day to attend something here. But I prefer not to start imagining things and I better rush to get to the nurses behind the desks. I approach one of them, with which I have dealt the most with job cases.
—Hello.— I try to get the young woman to take her eyes off the computer monitor.
—Uhm ... how can I help you?— She says without even turning to see me.
—Ahm... I'm looking for Dr. Beresford.—I say trying to sound somewhat annoyed at her behavior.
—He is not here today. Do you have an appointment with him?— She interrupts her words when she sees me. —Oh detective Benson.— She recognizes me and her expression changes completely. —I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you.—
—It's ok. So, is Beresford here?— Well if he made sure to ask Kate to tell me to come here all I hope is that he agrees to see me because if he denies me then I won't even be able to try to fix this.
—Come follow me please.— She gets up, goes around the desk and makes a gesture for me to follow her through one of the corridors. I let out a sigh, perhaps of relief, I have to accept that for a moment I was afraid that he would not receive me. I follow the nurse into the office area, but I'm a bit puzzled that she turns to the opposite side of Kyle's practice. Well he must be somewhere else then. I watch her knock on one of the doors and open it slowly.
—Hi. Olivia Benson is here.— The nurse announces.
—Let her in.— Fear runs through me when I hear a woman's voice.
—Go in, please.— The young woman tells me, fully opening the door. I take a deep breath before walking inside, I really hope to see him but there is only a woman on a white robe.
—Thank you Sam— The nurse closes the door behind me and retires. I can't understand. I want to think that he won't be long in getting here. Of course he must be busy.
—Hello Olivia, I am Dr. Adriana.— She extends her hand to me kindly. It takes me a while to react but in the end I give her mine to shake it.
—Hello... ahm...—
—Take a seat please.— She offers me one of the chairs in front of the desk.
—Where's Kyle?— I ask without hesitation.
—Dr. Beresford had to leave town.— I feel a pang in my chest, as if the stitches on my wound were about to rip. I can't hide my surprise but I do my best to not let her see the pain. —He asked me especially to take care of you as soon as you came.—
—Take care of me?—
—Yes. Apparently he will not return soon. He didn't give me much explanation. I guess some family emergency or something like that.— I can't focus much on her words. How come he won't be back soon? He was here yesterday, with me. Where the hell did he go? When? I feel a bit dizzy and have a hard time breathing normally. —He told me you're almost 35 weeks pregnant?— I can't pay attention to what she says, I just want to get out of here.
It cross my mind that maybe he didn't even go anywhere, he must be locked in his house hiding from me. I immediately feel guilty for my thought, I feel like the most selfish person in this world. I should be concerned for him. Something has happened to him that really made him had to leave the city in a rush. There is a possibility that something terrible is happening and I can only think about myself.
—Are you okay?— I don't think I can answer because of the lump in my throat so I just manage to shake my head. —Kyle is fine. Maybe he just needed a vacation.— She tries to calm me a bit approaching me and touching my arm.
—I'm fine.— My voice breaks making this even more difficult.
—Do you want a drink?— I wonder how bad I look to make her have that really worried expression.
—No thanks. I just... He didn't warn me.— I breathe deeply. I can't let my feelings take over me right now.
—It's okay. Hormones don't help you, right?— She smiles calmly, holding me a tissue. She must be thinking that I am just a patient overreacting to her doctor leaving town.
—No, they don't.— I sit in the chair hoping that this will help me control myself. —Yes, I'm almost 35 weeks.— She smiles and leans back on the furniture and looks at me.
—Good, Olivia. I am dedicated to this, bringing children into this world is my passion. But if you don't feel comfortable, we can find someone with whom you prefer...—
—No. I am sorry. If Kyle asked you, it's because he trusts you, and I trust him so... I'm fine.— I try to smile at her. Thinking of my own words upsets me "I trust him." Of course I trust him, a lot more than I should.
—Okey then. So, tell me the last details you both went through and I'll take a look, okey?—
—Sure.— I manage to calm the wave of feelings to be able to remember the information she needs.
TO BE CONTINUED...
AN: THANKS FOR READING. SO... LETS SEE HOW LIV HANDLE IT WITHOUT HER PERSONAL ANESTHESIA.
