a/n: very sorry for the long wait! hope you'll like this chapter! please let me know what you think. thanks so much for reading!


Every channel Shiho tuned to, there was always the face of Suzy staring back at her.

A well-known, dedicated, acclaimed server of the public had fallen. That's what the caption read, accompanied by a pair of serious eyes looking straight back at Shiho.

She involuntarily swallowed and had to fight the urge to turn off the TV.

They didn't go much into detail behind her death, but there he was, up there, facing a sea of reporters. His face was solemn and if she weren't mistaken, she thought his eyes had a dead look in them.

It was live and he was answering questions.

A reporter asked, "What are the circumstances behind her death? How come no one looked into it until two weeks later?"

He said, "We started the investigation as soon as we realized she had gone missing. The whole department worked hard day and night in search of her."

Another asked, "So what are the circumstances behind her death?"

He said, "She had a lead on this big case she was working on and she worked diligently. Little did she know it was way over her head."

"So what was this big case about?"

Shinichi paused briefly. "An embezzlement. The higher ups of a news network had affiliation with the mafia and they had been embezzling the money to them. Said money were used to finance terrorism. Su- Detective Kuzaki had her suspicions. She went to her supervisors the moment she came upon a lead, but they told her to bury it, to forget it." The color blue of his eyes darkened a shade. "As it turns out, they were also connected to the whole terrorism. They had been funded as well in order to look the other way. Detective Kuzaki couldn't do that. She stayed true to her path. She… She followed the lead on her own, and she paid the price with her life."

Cameras flashed. Shinichi looked away for a split second before returning his emotionless gaze to the hungry vultures in front of him.

Shiho sat back on her couch and thought about what he said before he started looking for Suzy on his own.

No one told him anything. Even though it was on a need-to-know basis, Shiho thought he deserved to know at least a little bit about the case his girlfriend- dead -girlfriend was working on. She didn't know how he managed to find out the truth about it, who had helped him. Was he on his own?

Those two weeks that he was gone, what happened? Was he solely just working on Suzy's disappearance or was he working his other cases as well?

She didn't know.

She could've had her answers only if she had picked up the phone.

Shinichi had been calling her for the past few days, leaving her messages but she forced herself to not answer.

She had also been distancing herself from Higo. He could see something was off but because he had an important game coming, most of his energy was focused on said game, and less on her.

She internally was grateful for that. It gave her time to think about what to do next.

She didn't want to break it off with Higo. She loved him. She realized she did after that horrified mistake that she made; her tears were proof of that overwhelming guilt. Though at the same time, she felt it was not fair at all to Higo.

And she knew he loved her unconditionally. When's the next time she would find a man like that? It's definitely selfish of her, but after all she was human. The best thing she could do right now was to make the best choice for all parties involved.

The reporters asked more questions, about how Shinichi managed to find out the truth and how he brought down a whole chain of corruption.

"It's not finished yet," he said, "it's a work in progress. But I have faith in our department, in a handful of officers with whom I've been closely working, that they are pure and uncorrupted and devoted to serving the public. We have been each other's partners for as long as I can remember, so I trust them completely. There's more work to be done, of course, and I am determined to see it through. I want every single corrupted cop brought down and face justice. They have to pay for what they did to Suzy."

He said her first name, Shiho thought. Not Detective Kuzaki, just Suzy.

From what she could gather, Suzy's supervisors had a hand in her death. They realized she was too close and they had to finish her off.

Shiho blinked. He really has the worst luck with love.

Suzy loved him. So much. Shiho could tell. Suzy learned of their past, knew she was lied to, yet she still stayed with him and forgave him.

Even Ran couldn't do it.

Then it was over. Another Superintendent took over Shinichi's spot; the latter went inside the headquarters. Cameras flashed relentlessly.

Her cell phone vibrated, causing her to jump slightly.

It was Shinichi.

Don't answer.

She flipped the phone upside down. The vibration stopped after a few seconds. Then an alert sound of a recorded voicemail came through.

She listened to all of these voicemails and deleted them right after.

Opening the voicemail, she put it on speaker.

"Hey, it's me again." His voce came through, as clear as water. She closed her eyes. "This is probably the twentieth message I've left you. I just had a field day with the reporters. I'm sure you're watching now. But anyway, I just want to say…" He trailed off. She opened her eyes. "I just want to say I'm sorry," he continued. "I-I shouldn't have done that to you, and now it's a mess, I know." He sighed. "I'm sorry. If you could just pick up and call me back, that would make me very happy, Shiho." Another pause, then, "Well, goodbye." Click.

It was similar to the previous nineteen messages. Her fingers automatically found the delete button and the message was gone.

There was the wake.

Shinichi personally left an invitation in the mailbox of her apartment. Higo was of course also invited.

Shiho found it interesting that Shinichi hadn't tried to show up at her place yet, but thinking that it may be due to the fact that she and Higo were living together, he didn't want to worsen the situation.

He had tried to show up at her workplace, and so far she had managed to successfully avoid him.

"How's Shinichi doing?" Higo asked over dinner one night.

"He's coping in his usual Shinichi way," she answered before putting a spoonful of rice in her mouth and started chewing.

"Have you been talking to him?"

"Yes, why do you ask?"

"No reason. I just feel like he probably needs you the most right now."

"He needs any type of support right now," she said. "He's just busying himself with work. And we do talk. You just aren't here when that happens."

"Does he work nights now or something?"

"Yes. He's been staying very late lately at work. You heard about the whole corruption, right? He's working very hard to get justice for Suzy."

Higo shook his head. "Poor guy."

"So when is this wake?"

She looked at him and said, "Sometimes next week, I believe."

She wasn't even present at her own parents' wake. She wasn't sure if they even had one or even a proper burial.


Shiho found herself surrounded by a lot of black. Black clothing, black atmosphere. It reminded her of the Syndicate, and for a moment she forgot to breathe, her mind instantly was pulled back into the painful gallery of her past.

Higo squeezed her hand and she found her breath again.

There were a lot of important people here as well. All belonged to the police department. Suzy was well liked. She was a model detective, always staying on her path and sticking to her instincts. Shiho had to admit she never fully tried to get to know the girl, partly because the latter sort of despised her. Now, Shiho wished she had.

Shinichi was talking to a man in black. Then his eyes befell her when she and Higo crossed the threshold. She didn't know how he was able to detect her presence that fast. She sucked in a breath.

He excused himself and walked over to them. Shiho started sweating. She squeezed Higo's hand subconsciously. Her boyfriend glanced at her curiously.

"Our condolences," Higo said as Shinichi approached them. Reaching out his hand, Higo wrapped it around the detective's extended one. "We're very sorry about what happened. Please let us know if you ever need anything."

"Of course," Shinichi said solemnly. He threw a look at Shiho but it was very fleeting. She looked away.

"We'd like to pay our respects now," Higo said.

"Yes, this way."

"Thank you for coming," Shinichi said as he led them toward a small room in the back of his house.

It was open casket. Shiho looked down at the peaceful sleeping face of Suzy, knowing she would never wake up again. Her pale skin seemed soft to the touch. She had light makeup done. Her long, long, straight dark hair fell to below her breasts, almost reaching her belly button. Her hands clasped over each other. Her red lips seemed very still. Her long dark lashes were curled and unmoving.

Suzy was beautiful in life. Now in death, she was eternally youthfully beautiful.

Shiho suddenly felt dizzy.

"Are you okay?" Higo asked concernedly at the sight of her pale complexion.

She nodded slightly. "Yes, I think I just need some water." Then, she excused herself and walked toward the kitchen. Her feet carried her there purposely.

Of course Shinichi would be there.

He handed her a glass of water after she explained what happened.

"You look really pale," he commented. She nodded and finished the drink in one gulp.

"And apparently very thirsty," he said raising an eyebrow. She handed him the empty glass and was about to walk away when he grasped her wrist.

"You're avoiding me," he said. It wasn't a question; a mere statement. She tried to break free but his grip was strong and she didn't want to cause a scene.

She lowered her arm so his fingers locking around her slender wrist wouldn't be seen by other scrutinizing eyes.

"You know the reason why," she replied bitterly. "After what we'd done, how could I face you again?"

"It's not the first time."

"But it happened right after Suzy's dea- passing." She struggled to compose herself. He still had his grip on her. "And I'm with Higo."

He looked at her for a long second before saying, "Do you feel guilty because of Suzy's death or because of Higo?"

"Both," she said through gritted teeth. "I cheated on my boyfriend, Shinichi. Someone who loves me very much. I can't bring myself to tell him, but I don't want to keep lying."

"You lied about your relationship with me to him," he said.

"I didn't really lie." She struggled for words. "I didn't feel the need to burden him with unnecessary details. But this is different!" She lowered her voice. "I cheated."

Shinichi stared at her with an unreadable look in his dark blue eyes. "So you think he deserves to know the truth even if it hurts him?" he said quietly.

She flinched. Did she really want to tell Higo what happened and destroy whatever happiness she had left? Higo was the man who had been with her through her ups and downs. He's always there to comfort her in her bad moments, and cheer with her in her happy moments. He loved her unconditionally. She could clearly see it. The only things he asked for in return were loyalty and love.

She loved him, she knew. But loyalty? That had gone down the drain that night.

Shiho swallowed then she realized Shinichi had let go of her wrist. He was still looking at her.

"So would you?" he asked again. "Would you tell him the truth now? Isn't it better that he stays in the dark? Sometimes the truth hurts more than a single lie."

"I…" she faltered.

"As long as it doesn't happen again," Shinichi said, looking away this time. The crowded but silent living room ahead that was filled with incense suddenly seemed very interesting to him. "I won't cross the line again," he said then glanced at her. "So please stop avoiding me. You're all I have left now, Shiho. I can't lose you too."

She felt her heart rip slightly.

"There you are." Higo's voice sounded behind her just as she was about to open her mouth to reply. Shiho turned around and was met with his handsome face with a clean-cut shave and dazzling green eyes. He came up behind her and wrapped his arm subtly around her waist. For a split second, Shiho thought she saw Shinichi's eyes flicker to Higo's arm position before returning to the couple's faces. It was a very fleeting second.

"I've been looking for you," Higo was saying. "I just thought maybe it's time we took our leave? I have an early game tomorrow and you also have work, don't you?"

"Yes," Shiho said, tucking some strands of hair behind her ear. "I have to be at work earlier than usual as well."

Higo reached over and grasped Shinichi's shoulder. "We're always here for you. Let us know if you ever need anything."

Shinichi nodded his thanks. Shiho gave him her tiny, rare smile before turning around with Higo, hands intertwined with his, and walked away from Shinichi.

She doubted the distance between them would be closed again, and that everything would be okay again.

Shiho bit back an oncoming tear.


She pushed away the omelet and Higo raised his brow from across the table.

"Is it not to your taste?" he asked, sounding a bit hurt.

Shiho shook her head. Her boyfriend had always been the one making breakfast and every morning, he'd make her her favorite omelet and usually she'd devour it in seconds, but not today. Actually, it wasn't the same for the past few days.

She often felt nauseous. The smell of food upset her stomach and raised her acid level. Today, just like yesterday and the day before, she clasped a hand over her mouth and ran toward the bathroom. The door swung open violently, just in time for her to throw herself forward on the toilet and everything came out.

As she was retching, Higo's the one holding her hair and some tissues in his hand. A very concerned look crossed his handsome face.

Shiho leaned back and sat on her hind after she's done. She was breathless. Her breath smelled foul and she still felt nauseous but there's no more urge to vomit.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked softly as she dabbed at her mouth with the napkin that he handed her.

"I'm fine," she answered, looking up to meet his eyes. Two pair of emerald orbs melted into each other before she broke off their gaze.

"You're going to be late for work" was all she said as she stood up, walked out and left him kneeling there.

She knew something was off. She was late on her period. Shiho had attributed it to stress and all the events happening around her, but now that she really had time to think about it, she decided that wasn't a factor at all.

She wasn't just stressed. This wasn't the way her body responded to stress, she knew.

With trembling hands, Shiho reached for the pregnancy test on the counter and suddenly she felt so self-conscious. As if all eyes were watching her, judging her. She quickly made the purchase and left the convenience store. As she was sitting in her car, she looked at the test in her hands and exhaled. Leaning back against her seat, she closed her eyes and bit her lower lip.

After her affair with Shinichi, Shiho never stopped making love to Higo. Their passion was strong and he still made her feel good. During the peak of her orgasms, she managed to shut out her moment of weakness with Shinichi on that fateful night and allowed the guilt to dissipate. But when they're done and she fell neatly next to Higo with her head resting on his chest, listening to his heart beat, she opened the gate and guilt flooded back violently. She would shut her eyes, bite her lower lip and try her best not to make any sound as her petite body slightly trembled. Higo would mistake it for her feeling cold, so he'd pull her closer under the blankets, wrap his arms tighter around her and kiss the top of her head. She would then force herself to think of happy memories or else she'd cry and he'd find out.

Staring at the result of the pregnancy test in her pale hands, she slowly stood up and pulled up her pants. Only when she reached the sink did she drop the test onto the hard, cold tiles and fall onto her knees. Tears kept streaming down her rosy cheeks as she made no attempts to stop them. Her hands were balled into fists. Her body shook violently with each sob. Finally, she let out a wail.

No one was home but her.


"Hey gorgeous, I'm so sorry but looks like I won't be able to get home in time for dinner. Coach really wants us to run the field more."

Higo was speaking on the phone and Shiho was limply staring into space.

"It's fine. I'll leave the food out on the table for you," she said but she couldn't recognize her own voice.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

A pause. "Are you okay?"

"Yes, why?"

"You sound… distant."

Distant doesn't even begin to cover it.

"I'm fine. Sorry, I'm not feeling so well. I think I may have caught a cold."

Another pause. "I love you, you know that right?"

"Yes, I do."

Say it or he'll suspect it more.

"I love you too," she said.

"I'll see you soon, princess." Then he hung up.

Her phone dropped onto the sofa and she titled her head backward, her eyes lazily studying the pattern on the porcelain-white ceiling.

He thinks you're pregnant, given your performance earlier, and he knows it's his because never in a million years will he ever suspect you to be unfaithful.

But you're not faithful, are you?

And it's not his, is it?

Or is it really his?

Want to find out? Order a DNA test.

She leaned forward and put her head in her hands, her eyes closed.

The timing was too coincided. When she made love to Shinichi that night and the following nights she did it with Higo.

Shiho wanted to scream.

The tea kettle was boiling and she stared at the rising steams. A chamomile teabag sat idly in her mug, waiting.

You could get an abortion. That'll solve all of your problems. No baby, no headache. Neither Higo nor Shinichi will ever find out, and you'll just go on with your life like nothing has happened.

She turned off the stove and poured hot water into her cup. As she was waiting for the tea to steep, Shiho absentmindedly reached for her cell phone on the sofa and dialed a familiar number that she hadn't contacted in so long. She put it on speaker.

The line went on ringing and ringing, then it went straight to voicemail.

She dialed again and again, and always the robotic voice answered her.

Shiho brought the mug to her lips and took small sips of the tea. Her free hand mindlessly placed on her flat tummy.


Shinichi hadn't been home.

She had frequented his house more times than she could count. Everytime, she would see the same sight. An unlived space. Dark, gloomy and depressing. The fallen leaves in the front yard were untouched. The curtains weren't drawn. There was this melancholy befalling the once-lively house. Her slender fingers absentmindedly dialed the same familiar number while her eyes passively trailed the outlines of the dark mansion.

A cold gust of wind blew by.

The receptionist at the police station said he hadn't been to work in a while and when Shiho demanded to talk to his boss, all she got was a sympathetic look as he said, "He's currently working a case."

So he's working. He's not ignoring you. But why hasn't he answered his phone?

That night, she was standing on the balcony. The wind was blowing her short hair gently about, and as she brought up a hand to tuck stray strands behind her ear, Higo came up behind her and wrapped his strong arms around her slender waist.

"It's beautiful tonight," he whispered, tilting his head down to kiss her neck.

"Yes."

"You okay?"

"Yes, why shouldn't I be?"

He tightened his hold on her. "Because you seem to be quite distant or lost lately. I feel like everytime we're together, you're not completely present."

"What are you talking about?" She stiffened.

"I can see it in your eyes. There's this faraway look in them so I'm just worried. Please tell me if something's wrong."

She turned around, still embraced in his hold, and wrapped her arms around his brown neck, pulling his face down so his forehead was touching hers. "Nothing is wrong."

The next words lumped in her throat and she had to force them out. "I love you."

"Love you, too." And he kissed her.

It's not that she couldn't say it. The guilt was getting to her. It's getting more unbearable every day that she looked at him, held him, kissed him, made love to him. It made her more nauseous.

The next morning, she was throwing up a whole breakfast and Higo forced her to call in sick.

You have to do something. Tell him, get it aborted. Doesn't matter what it is but you have to do something! It's going to be out of your control soon and his suspicions are growing.

"I love you…" she whispered into the pillow pressed tightly against her chest.

Higo was making dinner one night and she was reading a book in the living room when the telephone rang.

"Would you mind getting it, babe?" he called from the kitchen.

She got up from her sofa, walked toward the phone that hung on the wall and picked up the receiver.

"Hello? Yes, this is she."

There was a clang. Higo dropped what he's doing and rushed to the living room.

"What happened?" he asked and his breath hitched in his throat as he saw her sitting on the ground. The phone was dangling from its cord. All color drained from her face.

"Shiho…"

"It's…"

"What?" He was kneeling next to her. "Are you okay? What happened?"

She slowly turned to him. Her eyes were huge and her lips trembled. "It's Shinichi."


"A coma?"

The neurosurgeon was talking. "The bullet's lodged in his skull; miraculously it only grazed the frontal lobe. But still it's too dangerous to try to get it out. He also appears to be submerged in water for quite some time, so the amount of oxygen deprivation could cause some brain damage. Though right now, his EEG shows normality."

"Is he going to recover?" Higo asked.

The doctor sighed. "There's no guarantee. He's in a coma right now, and sometimes people wake up from it. Sometimes... they don't."

Higo thanked the doctor and the latter left.

Shiho was standing next to Shinichi's bed. He was battered. There were lots of bruises on his once flawless face. She reached out and her fingers tremblingly trailed over his high cheekbones. He was breathing evenly. His chest rose and fell. So peacefully.

"Shiho…"

"I'm going to use the bathroom," she said softly. Her voice sounded robotic and she thought she tasted something metallic in her mouth.

Just as she made it to one of the stalls in the restroom, she threw up. Then she just sat on the ground with her head in her hands. Her body shook as she cried and cried. Her wails echoed around the silent, lonely bathroom.

It had been almost two weeks. And everyday she made sure to visit him.

The respirator was doing his breathing for him. The bruises were still there but she could still see his handsome features underneath. Smiling to herself, she pulled out a book, opened to where she'd left off last night and started reading aloud.

That's their routine. She would visit him, read to him, let him listen to his favorite music, talk to him, hold his hand and simply look at him.

Shinichi's boss had explained the situation. He was fighting against the people who murdered Suzy. He knew the risks and he knew he might die but that didn't stop him. He wanted to get his former girlfriend justice. The bad people were still out there. His work wasn't finished, however, he gave his team a good start and with all the clues he'd gathered with his detectives, one day all of those people would be brought to justice.

"You never change," she whispered. "Always want to play the hero. Putting your life on the line for the sake of others."

"What if…" She placed her hand on her belly. A tiniest bump was unnoticeable to everyone else.

A month went by.

Shiho walked into Shinichi's room and halted in the doorway.

Sonoko was standing next to his bed. She turned around at the sound of Shiho's footsteps.

"Sonoko…"

"Hey."

Sonoko had come to visit Shinichi a couple of times before, and always her and Shiho's interaction was brief, limited to what was necessary only.

"How are you doing?" Sonoko asked. She still had the same signature short brown hair. Only she wasn't wearing a headband anymore.

"I'm good. How about you?"

"Same old same old."

Shiho went to the chair and put down her stuff.

"Do you still visit everyday?" Sonoko asked.

"Yes."

"Never miss a day?"

"I try not to."

Sonoko was studying her longtime friend. "That's the power that Shinichi has on people. He cares so much and those he cares for will do anything for him."

She then turned to look at Shiho. "You and I were never friends but at least we have something in common, don't we? We both care deeply about this detective idiot."

Shiho chuckled. "I suppose we do."

"Take good care of him." She reached over and squeezed Shiho's hand before leaving the room.

Shiho sat down in the chair and looked at the peacefully sleeping young detective. A single tear trailed down her cheek.


"Shiho…"

"No…"

"Listen-"

"No!"

She yanked her arm from Higo's grasp. Her eyes burned with anger and her face flushed red with fury. Her body trembled slightly as she backed away from him as if he were a murderer coming to claim her life.

"Babe…" he said resignedly.

"You have no right to ask me to do this," she said through gritted teeth.

Higo ruffled his hair tiredly and she realized with a start that he'd developed dark circles under his eyes. His face seemed to be aging rapidly; there were lines forming at the corners of his eyes. His brown hair had some gray in it. Shiho bit her lower lip.

"Babe," he said. "It's been almost two months now and he shows no sign of recovery."

"People wake up from coma all the time," she reasoned. "Even the doctor isn't sure if he would or wouldn't. I'm not giving up."

"I agree." Higo debated his next choice of words. "But you can't torture yourself like this anymore. You're not sleeping. You have nightmares when you do. You spend most of your time in the hospital. You're barely home! I-I miss you."

There it was. The truth. The real reason why he wanted to pull the plug on the life support.

And she knew she was the perfect person to blame.

Suddenly, she felt a sense of clarity wash over her. As if a solution to her dilemma had been in front of her the whole time.

She couldn't save both men. She couldn't save herself.

But there's one person she could save.

She stepped forward and fell into his outstretched arms. Being embraced in his strong arms and inhaling his masculinity, she almost forgot her problems because for once she pretended that his arms were her castle and she was perfectly protected.

"I'm sorry, Higo. I'm so sorry for everything that I've put you through," she whispered into his chest.

He tightened his hold on her.

"It's not your fault, love," he said softly and kissed her head.

She closed her eyes.

That night, she had told Higo she would see him at home so he'd left before her. Now standing in the hospital room with Shinichi lying on the bed, a respirator doing his breathing for him. The bruises were nearly gone. His face slowly healed. She brought out her phone and dialed a number.

A voice answered on the third ring. "Hello?"

"Sonoko. It's Shiho."

"I have a request. A last favor to ask of you," she was saying into the phone as her eyes calmly rested on Shinichi. "You have to contact Ran. You have to make her come back, for Shinichi's sake. No matter what he did back then, he doesn't deserve this. He loves her to the moon and back. He'd die for her, you know that. The least she can do is to be here now, with him, giving him his last moment of peace. I'm sure that's what he'd have wanted very much."

A long pause.

"And remember what you said, Sonoko? 'He cares so much and those he cares for will do anything for him.' You care deeply for him, don't you?"

Another pause.

Then Shiho hung up the phone.

Placing her hand tenderly on her small bump, Shiho smiled contently.

She knew she'd made a right choice.