AN: THE END IS COMING. FINALLY. THANKS FOR READING.

D: LAW AND ORDER SVU AND ALL ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.

CHAPTER 86 I'M READY

These last few days I have felt lonelier than ever. Being deprived from Kyle's presence, and the distractions that it entailed, made everything that I have been suppressing come upon me harshly. The nightmares hit me hard again, well the same old nightmare. The humidity, the trees, the street, the station and the emptiness. Everything almost as I remember it with the only exception that now Kyle appeared in the background in a strange blur. And yet his strange presence in my nightmare did not prevent me from waking up screaming, again, night after night.

But days are not that bad. During the day I keep my mind on everything concerning to my little one's arrival. The last arrangements of the nursery, washing the tiny clothes, and getting all the stuff Melinda has recommended to me. I have been reading thousands of magazines about pregnancy and I even been cooking my own cravings. It all keeps me distracted from the fact that I've been weeks without Kyle.

I enjoy and appreciate the short visits I have from my friends. Having Munch talking to my belly and making fun of him is good. Casey and Melinda have also come to help me. Alexandra has been in charge of keeping my pantry jammed and, of course, I have taken care of devouring everything as soon as I can. Even Samuel has come to see me, he has given me a couple of video about exercises for pregnant women for that his girlfriend used months ago and some books that keep me busy.

I have had a couple of visits with the new doctor, she is really good and has kept me healthy and well informed the last few weeks. She even managed to keep me calm when the set date for birth approached... and passed. I have not had any symptoms of labor. She assures me that I shouldn't worry, that I have to wait a couple more weeks before making rash decisions. The baby is fine and way too comfortable in there. And i am not objecting at all. I don't think I'm ready for it.

The days I enjoy the most are the summer walks in the park with the kids. Richard, Lizzie and now Maureen has joined. She has taken the news as good as her siblings. The only one who has not accepted it very well is Kathleen. She is not exactly mad but I can tell she is upset. Maureen made sure we had a phone call and she sincerely congratulated me, but she did not want to join us. I know I can't push her. She should do it on her own, until she feels okey with it. I am thankful to know that these great humans, his kids, want to be part of my baby's life. Unlike me, he will grow up with some kind of family.

Despite the distractions I manage to do on a daily basis, some thought about Kyle always eludes me and worry often fills me. I miss him so much.

"I want you to know that I will always be here for you. You can always count on me." The memory of his promise doesn't help much. I feel mad at him but its not like I can blame him... right?

I long for his carefree and infectious laughter. I need the security and sanity that his presence had given me. I kind of understand why he decided to walk away. I decided to believe he actually had an emergency as Dr. Adriana has deduced. It is better that to let me think that I have pushed him away forever. But I'de be lying if I said I haven't been waiting for a call. Can't he have a minute for me, not even a couple of seconds to communicate, to return my calls? It feels like he is dodging me. As harsh as it can be, I actually would prefer the reason of his disappearance been he dodging me than he or his family actually been suffering again.

Whatever it is, I decided to stop calling days ago. And I can't go back to his apartment because, surely, the door guard will tell me, once again, that he is not home. I just hope that whatever emergency he had is not that bad. And, if the emergency is not real and he just needed to walk away from me, I just have to wait and respect his decision. But I still selfishly hope that he will understand, come back and keep his promise.

Tonight I got into my bed earlier than I used to. I feel really exhausted. In addition, Casey has insisted on organizing a baby shower for me so it will be good for me to rest a little more to endure the gathering. As soon as I turn off the light I try focus on the little movement of my little one. Nevertheless, I begin to feel the sensation that the darkness invading me, as if yelling at me how lonely my life had become yet again. The burning in my chest starts again and I welcome it as an old friend.

It's raining on me, and yet I hear the crunch of dry leaves under my feet as I walk. I try to focus on my search, and then I notice a difference. Someone walks beside me. I must not turn to know who it is. His aroma, his warmth, his presence is unique. Elliot is walking by my side.

—What are you looking for Liv?— his voice is almost real.

—I don't know.— I admit it while continuing my way.

—You know.— He assures me following my pace.

—No, I don't know anymore.— The emptiness begins to invade me and the fear that he will soon disappear grows strong. I should turn around, hug him, and squeeze him like I did before.

—You just have to turn.—

—I'm not ready.— I know that if I turn he will disappear in front of me.

—Yes you are.— I do not answer, I just keep walking. Not that I really know where I am heading this time. In fact, it is quite the opposite, we are lost on a path with no end. —Olivia, you don't have to find me anymore.—

—I do.— I answer flatly. If I stop looking then this will go away forever.

—Don't you see that I'm here? I've always been.— I find it hard to breathe and I stop immediately. Even when I didn't want to, we've arrived to the same old building. If I keep walking, the dream will finish soon. I will wake up in my bed crying. —Look at me.— I try to take courage to do it. I inhale a great breath of air and hold it inside before turning to him. I shouldn't miss the opportunity to see him before I wake up, not when I finally found him. That has been the point of my nightmare all this time after all.

And he is here, with his soft look on my eyes, and his pleasant smile is drawn in front of me. I don't hesitate to hug him, and that's when I notice my belly, it's big, it's real. This is a different dream.

—Where were you?— I complain clinging to his back.

—Here.— I feel the warmth of his hand as it rests on my belly, and almost at the same time the little one strongly moves inside me.

—He knows you're here.— I assure him, feeling the tears on my cheeks.

—Of course he knows.— His voice is so real that it makes me doubt this is even a dream.

—I'm scared.— The words leave my mouth.

—Scared of what?—

—Of everything. Of waking up.— I cling more to him breathing his aroma as much as I can and feeling his heat against me. I snuggle into his arms trying to stay asleep as long as possible.

—The Olivia I know is scared of nothing.— He says.

—Well... I think that Olivia is no longer here.— I complain making him laugh.

—What are you scared of?— He pushes.

—I'm not ready.— Maybe I don't want to wake up ever.

—You are ready. You've been ready for years.— The tone in his voice makes me freeze. I turn my gaze to find the blue that I like so much.

—What? How do you know?— I ask raising my eyebrow to him. It seem he knows better what I am talking about than myself. —How are yo so sure?—

—Feel.— He takes my hand and places it over his, exerting a strange pressure on my belly, a pressure that turns into pain.

—Ah.— I instantly complain letting the dream evaporate as I wake up crumpled on my bed. I stay still trying to dispel the pain along with the dream, but it doesn't go away.

However, it is not as intense as I had felt it. It is a discomfort in the lower part of my abdomen. I try to move to a different position and breathe more deeply making it disappear.

Dr. Adriana has made me practice some breathing exercises to prepare me for delivery and to calm my nerves down, she has noticed that the subject makes me too nervous. I have no idea how it will be, apparently nervousness is normal in everyone but personally it fills me with dread. I have read many articles and books about childbirth, which has not really helped me much, there are so many differences in each of the cases that I have read that I do not know what to expect.

I have never considered myself a cowardly woman, it is not that I am not afraid but, rather, I have the gift of being able to control myself. But, ever since he passed, that self control of mine has vanished. I shouldn't get that feeling heightened. I prefer to get away from those thoughts and concentrate myself on my body. The soft pain goes away with the change in position, which I really appreciate. I can feel the little one move a little, almost nothing, so I move my hips up to check if I have broken the water but I can't feel any other change which scares me even more. I bring my hands to my face, feeling the moisture left by the tears on my cheeks during my sleep. I turn to the nightstand and look at the clock: 9:43 am.

—Is everything okay in there?— I pat my belly waiting for him to respond, but he doesn't move at all. I try not to draw conclusions and I better hurry as much as I can to reach my cell phone. For a moment I was about to dial Kyle but looking at his name on the screen recalled me that it would not help. He would not answer. I sigh slightly before looking for Adriana's number and dialing it, I wait patiently for her to answer.

—Hello— She answers almost immediately.

—Hi, Doctor.— I greet her listening to my voice somewhat hoarse and with a slight accent of despair.

—Olivia.—She says my name recognizing me.—Is everything okay?— and apparently she can tell the despair on my voice too.

—I don't know.—

—What's up?—

—I woke up with a slight pain in the lower side of my belly. I'm not sure if it was a contraction.— I try to explain.

—Did your water break?—

—No, it was just the pain and the baby is not moving.—I force myself to hide the panic in my voice.

—Did you try the breathing rhythm?—

—Yes, something like that.— I move again to get into a sitting position on my bed.

—Don't worry Liv. What you are experiencing are called Braxton contractions, they are a practice of the body prior to the actual birthing process. They are irregular, and they calm down when you change position, so it is likely that you are having a false labor; although it could become real in a matter of minutes. Count your contractions Olivia, if they start to be continuous call me, or if you break water.—

—Ok.— Her explanation actually helping.—So, I am giving birth... today?—

—Not necessarily. These contractions can appear even a week or two before labor, and even after labor.—

—I could be in pain for weeks?— I don't realize how shrill my voice is when I complain until I hear myself. There goes the calm. Adriana lets out a little giggle before answering me.

—Well, yes Liv, that's possible.— I let my head fall back to the headboard.

—So, is the baby okay?— That is all that matters to me.

—Yes Liv, relax, take a shower, have something for breakfast and prepare your bag with everything you need for your stay in the hospital, and keep me posted if something else happens, okay?—

—Okay, thanks.— I say goodbye to her and try to stay calm. I get up and walk through my apartment to my kitchen. Having something for breakfast doesn't seem like a bad idea to me, so I take out a couple of eggs, the frying pan, the oil and a little milk. I am about to cook while still very alert in case any other pain occurs. I don't like the idea of being in pain for days, maybe weeks, but I can't do much, I guess. The cooking routine wakes the little one up because soon he is kicking slightly, which brings me calm.

I sit in the living room with my breakfast. I open the book that Melinda gave me and I leaf through it until I get to one of the last chapters to go back to review the anti-pain tips they give. Strange positions and breathing exercise. While I eat my fried egg I try to memorize them in detail. I am going to try everything to avoid pain as much as I can. I've been in pain way too long already. Not physical but pain nevertheless. I wonder if the labor contractions can be even stronger than the pain in my chest, it seems impossible.

I quickly finish my breakfast and walk to the nursery. Everything is perfect. I have checked it several times, and the bag has been ready for a week. However I dedicate myself to reviewing each of the things that I have packed. Clothes for the homecoming, a blanket, some newborn diapers, a pair of socks for me and even a hat, a bottle and, as Munch called them, some mini-socks. Melinda made me buy and pack a baby nail clipper and a pair of mini gloves. I think everything is ready.

I walk to the window and open the curtains in the room so I can see the beautiful summer day falling over the city. And then I realize that I don't even know what day it is. I walk to my bedroom to look at the date, August the 28th. I look around for an agenda that I am sure I have kept somewhere. I bend down so I can reach it under the night table and try to balance squatting to be able to open it.

—Let's see.— I read the notes that are written in it, most of them in Casey's handwriting ... appointments to have breakfast with her, the days I had medical appointments, the name of the vitamins I took, and, what I was looking for. The date he was supposed to birth. I try to make the maths in my head trying to know how many days he has been late already.

—Ouch.— A small moan comes from my throat when I feel the discomfort in my panties followed by the pain in my belly. —No baby. I'm not ready yet.— I complain, letting myself fall on the floor to breathe deeply.

—You're ready Liv.— I hear Elliot's soft voice as if he were right next to me.

—I'm not.— I complain clinging to my belly to prevent the pain from getting stronger but it doesn't help at all. Once the pain is over, I manage to stand up and walk back to my cell phone.

—Casey.— I say when I hear her voice on the other side.

—Hi Liv, I was about to call you. I wanted to know if you are okey with the baby showers been...—

—Cancel.— I finish her sentence.— My water just broke.— I announce.

—What!? Oh God! Okay, calm down and breathe. Call your doctor and be calmed. I'll be there soon! Okay? Be calmed.—

—I'm calm Casey.— I assure her noticing that she is the one that should be calmed down.

—Well, I am not.— She says in a funny way. I can imagine her expression of terror what makes me laugh along with her.

—I'll call Adriana and I'll wait for you here, okay?—

—Yes... I'll call Melinda cause I know nothing about giving birth.—She says before hanging up the phone.

I rush to call the Adriana who tells me not to rush. She tells me that I should take my time because, apparently, this can take some hours. The contractions are not near to each other, so I take advantage of the fact that I am not in pain to take a quick shower and put on comfortable clean clothes. I feel how the little one moves often but the pain does not appear again... yet.

—Do you really want to be born already?— I talk to my belly looking at the mirror. It really surprises me how huge it is, in a couple of weeks it grew so much that it makes me sick just thinking about it.

—You're ready, Olivia.— Elliot's voice returns to make an appearance and instantly I feel how another contraction begins. I breathe easy and sit on the toilet seat, waiting patiently for it to banish.

—I'm ready.— This time I agree.

TO BE CONTINUED

AN: SO, I AM ALMOST FINISH WITH THE TRANSLATION OF THIS STORY AND IT WILL BE UPLOADED COMPLETE SOON. I HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED IT BEEN THE DRAMA IT WAS. I HAVE TO FINISH DECISIONS BUT IT IS JUST TOO MUCH DRAMA FOR ME ALREADY. SO MAYBE I'LL TRY WRITING ETERNITY'S ENDING. THAT STORY IS WAY OUT OF CANON AND ALL DRAMA MY FIC TURN TO HAVE..

I'VE ALSO BEEN THINKING ON WRITING SOMETHING WITHOUT DRAMA. A BENSLER ONE SHOT MAYBE. I JUST NEED TO FIND THE PERFECT SCENARIO. NOT SURE IF AN "ELLIOT FINALLY COMING BACK" OR JUST AT ANY POINT IN THE TIMELINE OF SVU. I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

ALSO, AND TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THIS AUTHOR'S NOTE, I'VE BEEN DOING SOME VIDEOS BECAUSE I HAVE A LOT TIME TO SPARE. SO, IF YOU WANT TO, YOU CAN SEE THEM ON INSTAGRAM OR TIKTOK. I THINK MY USERNAME IS "DUN_DUN_FAN" ON BOTH OF THEM.

THANKS FOR READING. STAY SAFE.