AN: THANKS FOR READING. SO, THIS CHAPTER MADE ME REALIZED I WROTE THIS BACK IN 2011... WOAH. I LOVE TO WRITE OLIVIA AS A MOM.
AN2: DID YOU WATCH NEW EPISODE? BARBA RETURNING WAS GOOD BUT... I JUST WANT ELLIOT BACK ALREADY. I THOUGHT ABOUT BARBA AND ELLIOT MEETING... I WOULD LIKE TO SEE THAT. AND MAYBE I WOULD LIKE TO WRITE SOMETHING ABOUT IT BUT JUST LIKE 2 CHAPTERS TO PLAY ON BARBA'S REACTION TOWARDS ELLIOT. I WILL WAIT AND SEE HOW THEY HANDLE ELLIOT'S RETURN AND SEE IF I GGET INSPIRED ON THAT.
D: LAW AND ORDER SVU AND ALL ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.
CHAPTER 91 A FULL YEAR
2 MONTHS LATER
The weeks have passed slowly since Phillip was born, and I still can't get used to his presence. My heartbeat continues to accelerate every time I see him, the sensation of his soft skin is still as fascinating as the first time I touched it. The beautiful blue of his eyes continue to fill me with happiness again and again; and I am sure it always will. My little man is an angel who has come into my life to make me, probably, the happiest and most blissful woman in the whole earth.
The apartment is almost never empty as the twins come every evening after school. Maureen decided to bring Kathleen to meet her little brother, and I have to accept that it caused me some nervousness, but everything went better than expected, apparently the baby is irresistible to everyone. I don't know what is in him that makes everyone around him love him instantly. In the end Kathleen hugged me tightly in her arms and, crying, she said an almost inaudible "thank you". I didn't know what to answer so I just hugged her tightly letting her cry some more.
Bernie has asked me for permission to be near Phillip, which I did not hesitate for a second to accept. She is his grandmother and, without a doubt, one of the people who loves him the most. And it's our closest source to the memory of Elliot. Of his father.
I bought a sofa bed for her to sleep anytime she wanted to stay. The first weeks she was so helpful, she has taught me to take care of the little one perfectly. She always finds amazing that after so long she has not forgotten even one iota of what motherhood is and she assures me that I will never forget it. A few nights ago she told me something that made my mind ramble a little. I can hear her words fluttering in my mind since then: "So with your future children you will know what to do. Although each one will be different."
Future children.
It is not like I've never pictured myself with children. In plural. It is just that, as time went by the idea kind of vanished in my mind. There was a time that I have almost loosen every hope of myself becoming a mother. I time before Elliot and I decided to give into our feelings. And then, with his death, I think the hope died too. Phillip was a little miracle I wasn't planing or expecting. And now, I haven't given a thought anymore. I only know that with Phillip I feel complete.
Another person who stays by our side is Kyle. Lucky us. He works a lot but all the time he has free has been dedicated to being with Phillip and me. When he came back, I promised myself not to monopolize him again but apparently there is no force on the face of the earth that can take him away from us. By his own will he has stayed. Which makes me extremely happy. In the end, the sofa bed ends up been used by him almost every night. I could swear that he hasn't sleep in his apartment since Phillip was born.
Sometimes I wonder if my heart can explode with such joy, but apparently it is just getting bigger. Everything indicates that it has fully recovered; that it has returned to his original place and size; that the wound has healed. But nevertheless the scar is present, it does not burn anymore, but it is like a memory of the strength that the person I loved so much in my life gave me. Of the strength I've earned.
Today everyone has come to visit us, they usually do it when work allows them, always filling our home with happiness. I silently sneak up to my room and lean into the crib just to find Phillip's huge blue eyes wide open while he plays with the blanket that covers him.
—Hello my love.— I make sure to take him cautiously in my arms to take him out of the crib. —Did you sleep well?— During my pregnancy I got used to talk to him and now I do it even more. I'm talking to him all the time. —They came to visit you.— He moves his little arms in the air catching a lock of hair that falls down my face. —Let's get you your bottle.— The pediatrician told me that he is very healthy, and I've begin to alternate between breastfeeding and formula milk, so lately I have dedicated myself to balancing his diet.
I carefully sit on the bed and settle him on my arms to give him the bottle.
—You're already hungry, right?— I tell him when I notice that he begins to eat with a rush.
—Yes a little.— I turn towards the door to find Munch entering the room. —Fin has not fed me.— He complains approaching us. I just laugh at his comment. He sits on the couch next to my bed and doesn't take his eyes off Phillip.
—I'd offer you milk but I don't think he is willing to share.— I continue with his joke managing to get a little laugh from the old man.
—I am not one who steals from babies.— He expresses and takes his eyes to mine. —Liv. I want to give you something.— He tells me taking an envelope from inside the bag of his jacket.
—Is it about the case?— I ask him taking the envelope in my hand carefully accommodating Phillip on my arm not interrupting his meal. I haven't fully returned to the station but I dedicate myself to helping them from home. I've never been a fan of desk work, but now I kind of love it. I can be with Phillip all the time.
—No, it is a gift that I did not know when to give it to you.— Doubt invades me, so I decide to open the envelope, as quickly as I can do it with one free hand, to find out what it holds.
—Munch.— I say somewhat puzzled when I see the photograph in front of me. —When did you...—
—You really don't you remember?— He asks a little doubtful.
I look carefully at the image, making an effort to remove the memories that remain hidden in the trunk inside my mind. Elliot and I cuddled on one of the bunkbeds. I feel a strange cold run down my back when I remember exactly the day that photo was taken.
—It was... that day.— I remember Munch walking into us and the camera in his hands.
—I couldn't help it.— Munch confesses, cautious, waiting for my reaction. I stay in silence looking at the image. I find myself snuggled in his arms with my eyes closed and a slight smile decorates my face, he keeps his gaze down seeing me with the same smile on his lips.
—I remember.— I accept without taking my eyes off the photo. I remember it perfectly well: the cribs, the guitar, his voice... the happiness. I remember waking up to the strong light and finding John standing in front of us with his old camera. I remember everything like it was yesterday.
—I printed it a few months ago and I guess you're ready to have it.— I try to hold back the tears in my eyes and take a deep swallow to lower the lump in my throat.
—Thank you.— I barely say in a whisper, giving him a frank smile which he reciprocates.
—He is growing.— Munch says watching the baby on my arms. I turn down to see his beautiful face so focused on his task and the calm returns to my body. I lean in enough to press my lips to his small forehead filling me with the delicious and unique scent of him.
—I love you sweet Phillip.— I will be eternally grateful to have my little angel right here, in front of me. As if understanding me, the baby leaves his now-empty-bottle and opens his eyes to look at me.
—It's a little Elliot.— Munch says with a smile on his face.
—With Olivia's beauty thank god.— Fin jokes as he enters the room. I laugh with them, trying to keep the sea of thoughts that are being unleashed in my mind for later. I know that I have to deal with them at some point. In fact, I always knew that at some point I would have to face all these feelings that I made sure to lock in my mind all this time. The difference is that now I feel ready to face them. To face a reality that does not seem as scary as before.
—Are you guys ready to go out with the others?— Kyle joins us moving quick to our side. The little one moves in my arms immediately turning around looking for him. Every time Kyle speaks Phillip reacts immediately, just as he did when he was in my womb. I think he's gotten as used to him as I have.
—Your new pajamas are comfortable, little man?— Kyle asks Phillip taking him away from my arms and into his arms with caution not to let go of his little head. It makes me laugh to see him talking to him as if he was an adult. He never uses baby voice with him and it seems he really is waiting for him to answer back. I wonder if I look just as ridiculous. Wait ... new pajamas?
—What?— I ask, getting up to remove the blanket from the baby and see the romper with the rabbit and carrots as decoration. —Kyle, I told you not to buy it.— I remember the last time we went to buy the pantry before the little one was born, and how he was about to buy those pajamas but I asked him not to. When the hell did he bought it? And when did he he put it on?
—I couldn't help it.— Kyle says with that mischievous child smile that characterizes him so much. I only see the little boy in his arms and I don't argue anymore because, indeed, he looks adorable in those pajamas.
3 MONTHS LATER
Kyle's POV.
I open the apartment door and lean against the frame in silence. I watch Phillip in Olivia's arms as she paces back and forth with the phone to her ear. I wait until she realizes that I have arrived to fully enter the place. I go over and take the little one in her arms to let her read the case file.
—Mommy is busy.— I say to the little boy who just looks at me with that curious look. He is almost five months old and healthy as a horse. Now he can hold up his little head longer. In his hands he holds his rattle which he moves up and down.
—Iugh... someone needs a diaper change.— I complain to catch the familiar smell. Olivia watches me with a smile and without completely detaching herself from the phone, she talks.
—Can you handle it?— I just nod my head and enter her room to take what is necessary and change his diaper. I take care of changing him while he is still entertained with his toy. I get rid of the dirty diaper and pick him up again. I go to the mirror to be able to play with him for a while while his mother is free. The reflection of him immediately catches his attention, dropping the rattle from his hands and pushing himself hard to put his little hands against the cold material. He looks at himself with a serious expression as he notices the baby in the mirror mimics all his movements and soon his face is light up into a beautiful smile and I can see his rosy cheek and two small dimples form on his cheeks.
—Who's in the mirror?— I ask as I see him fascinated to find Livie's smile traced identically on his face. —It's that you? Yes, that's Phillip.— he taps the mirror excitedly.
—Agree. See you in an hour.— I look through the reflection to find Liv walking into her room with all of her papers in her hands. She hangs up the phone and puts it in her place —Hello.— She approaches and gives me a kiss on the cheek and then divert her attention to the little one.
—Is it you? Yes it's you.— The boy lets out a giggle and stretches his little arms desperately towards Olivia.
—Come with mommy.— She does not hesitate for a second to snuggle him against her body.
—Can you really take care of him today?— She asks me with her somewhat doubtful face.
—Yes.— The job has began to consume her time little by little. Claiming her back. Specially this case. So I decided to take the whole day off to stay with Phillip while she goes to help the boys. I have to accept that I do not like the idea, we both know it is dangerous. I would like her to find something else, for her to think twice before returning to the battlefield. But I know how passionate she is with that job. I've gotten the whole panorama during our time together. Her story has been revealed to me little by little. I get it. But, still, I wished she thought about a change. But I don't dare to discuss it with her. At least not yet. —Do they really need your presence at the station?—
—Yes, an old case was reopened and the survivor is asking for me. She trusts me. It was our case so they need my help.— She flutters around the room taking a couple of things and placing them in a portfolio while balancing Phillip on her hip.
—Ok. Will you come back for lunch?— I dare push a little.
—Ahm...— She lets out a sigh stopping suddenly and I notice she is not really paying much attention to my words. She is lost inside her thoughts.
—What's wrong?— I ask trying to see her in the eyes. I know her so well. Something goes through her mind that has her altered.
—I think it will take a little longer. I'll try to be back for dinner.— She manages to answer my question.
—Is everything alright?— I ask agin knowing there is something on her mind.
—Yes. I just remembered I have to go to a place later.— I decide not to ask any more and I let her go assuring her that Phillip will be fine during her absence. She takes care of filling him with kisses before disappearing through the door. I walk back to the living room balancing little Phillip in the air to distract him from the fact that his mommy was gone. He starts moving all his limbs in excitement and lets out that beautiful laugh of him. The playing ends when we accidentally throw a picture frame off the table.
—Oops. Mommy better not find out. It will be our secret.— I talk to him as I bend down to take the photo of the floor. And when I look the image something clicks in my mind. I take my cell phone to verify the date.
OLIVIA'S POV
I hurried to get to the station and give them the file they needed. Samuel and I sit down with the survivor and help her get us through the attack once again. She felt confident and was grateful to having me there. As soon as she was gone I helped a little to intertwine the information they have collected with the one we already had but honestly I am not planning on staying much longer. I have another plan in mind.
As soon as I can get out of there, I drive cautiously until I find a good place to park. I take a deep breath before getting off and walking to the entrance of the place. I focus on the noise my feet make when they step on the mince leaves that are lying on the grass. I brake right in front of my destiny. I can remember it as if it was yesterday, the drums beating with a gloomy rhythm, the wind blowing in my face with force, the tears wetting my cheeks, the coffin passing in front of all the people around me, in front of his family.
But it wasn't yesterday, it's been a full year since that day. A full year. I look at the rock in front of me and read:
"Venerable officer, beloved family man and great friend Elliot Stabler 1966-2011"
I let out a sigh trying to hold back my tears. Suddenly I feel a hand on my shoulder, I turn to see Kyle next to me carrying little Phillip. Seeing both of them gives me the strength that I thought I would lose in seconds.
TO BE CONTINUED.
AN: THANKS FOR READING. STAY SAFE.
AN2: I'VE BEEN THINKING ON ETERNITY... THE OTHER CRAZY FIC I LEFT ABANDONED YEARS AGO AND I THINK ILL BE TRYING TO WRITE A NEW CHAPTER SOON TO SEE IF I CAN STILL FINISH IT. IF I DON'T FIND THE INSPIRATION I THINK I WILL ERASE IT FROM THE PLATFORM AND KILL IT. IT MAKES ME SAD BUT... I DONT LIKE TO KNOW IT IS THERE... UNFINISHED... ABANDONED... AND IT STILL HAS VISITORS... AFTER ALL THIS TIME. IT DOESNT FEEL FAIR TO LEAVE IT THERE.
