AN: THANKS FOR READING AND FOR LETING ME KNOW YOU ARE STILL DOING IT.

D: LAW AND ORRDER SVU AND ALL ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.

CHAPTER 93 THE ROOM IN MY HEART

KYLE'S POV:

I cautiously climb up the chair so that I can place the lights at the highest point, lowering my gaze so that I can observe Liv in the small living room of the apartment as she entertains little Phillip with the Christmas decorations I have bought for them. She insisted on not placing any decorations, but I have convinced her and we even managed to get a Christmas tree.

—Don't eat it, Phillip!— She tells the baby laughing and taking the toy out of his mouth. I can't help but smile when I see them together. To see Liv smiling. She has been a bit cranky all day but I'm not quite sure what the reason is. Everything was fine until I left last night, and I'm sure I haven't done anything to upset her... at least not consciously.

—Who is my little man?— She talks to him. —You are!— The baby does not take his eyes off her as he takes a few strands of her hair with one of his little hands and touches her cheek with the other. Liv lifts him up in the air and brings it up to her face to let him suck on her nose and then cover him with kisses.

—No mommy, don't eat me.— I say in a ridiculous baby voice as I get out of the chair. She ignores my comment and does not take her attention away from Phillip. —Hey, Liv.— I call her but she keeps ignoring me. —Olivia.— I sit next to them trying to get her gaze, but the only one who turns around is Phillip, who immediately smiles excitedly and moves in the arms of his mother, stretching towards me. I take him in my arms and off hers to place him against my chest. Now she doesn't have her destructive excuse. I give Phillip one of the ornaments to keep him busy. I take Liv's hand and finally manage for her to look at me.

—What?— She asks without much encouragement, looking away from me again.

—Is everything okay?— I ask kind of knowing she will lie.

—Yes.— I know this because every time she does it her eyes narrow just a little, just as every time she says a bad word she unconsciously blinks, as if her body rejects the act, or like every time she needs to sneeze she squeezes her lips trying to avoid it always without success and every time she feels on the spot her cheeks turn pink instantly putting her in evidence. Basically, I know it because I know her perfectly.

—Hey, don't lie to me. What did I do to you? Why are you upset with me?— She lets out a sigh and observes Phillip, avoiding looking up.

—Nothing. You didn't do anything. It's not you...— She is trying to hide her nervousness by taking Phillips little hand in hers.

—So, what is bothering you?— I ask, letting the little one move to stand on my legs and look over my shoulder.

—It doesn't matter. I have to change his diaper.— She says approaching to take the baby back in her arms and standing away from me.

—Olivia.— I complain when I see them both walk away into the room.

OLIVIA'S POV:

I rush into the room to get away from Kyle as quickly as possible. I put the little one on the bed and rush to grab what is necessary to change his diaper.

I know I haven't been very good to Kyle but I can't help it. I feel so frustrated. I couldn't even sleep well thinking all night about his date and my dream. At the end of the day, I came to the conclusion that I only have two ways out of this "problem". The first is that I can accept that Kyle continues with his life avoiding feeling bothered about it, or at least hiding it better. Accepting that if i do so there is a big chance of him moving away from us. The other one is to accept that what I feel is more than just the fear of losing him but something else... something that frightens me to the core. It's not that I don't want to feel it, but I know how much it can destroy you when that feeling turns into a void. That is something I wont be able to bear anymore.

—Liv.— But Apparently he won't be left without an answer for my bad behavior towards him, and I don't blame him.

—Are you coming to help us?— I ask him trying to totally change my mood. —Cause it seems it is a heavy one.—

—Sure.— He approaches and leans over Phillip to give him a tender kiss on the forehead. —Tell me what's wrong.— nevertheless he keeps asking me without forgetting the subject.

—I already told you that nothing.— I suppress it while I take care of removing the dirty diaper. He is silent for a while, making the atmosphere feel tense immediately. I can even notice how Phillip changes his attitude and begins to complain, moving his limbs, making my work more difficult.

—I'm almost done sweet boy.— I try to get him to stop moving by taking his legs but I only get him to start pouting.

—Hey... where's Phillip?— Kyle hurries, putting his hands up to his face and taking Phillip's attention to distract him. I manage to finish thanks to his help.

—Thank you.— I say, smiling, giving Phillip a stuffed animal so that he can stay in bed for a while.

—Always a pleasure.— He sighs before continuing. —Tell me Liv, did my last night date annoyed you?— He says hesitating a bit. I get up and walk to my dresser trying to avoid his gaze. It's easier to deny it if he doesn't see me directly.

—No.— I say taking my cell phone to see the time without really paying attention to the screen. —Why should that bother me?— I continue, trying to sound as confident as I can.

—I don't know, maybe it just does. You don't need a reason.— I take a deep breath and turn to see him trying to make an expression of doubt which I hope is convincing.

—You are free to go out with whoever you want Kyle.— I say avoiding his comment but he approaches me and smiles letting the air out of his mouth. I feel his breath hitting the skin of my face, which doesn't help me.

—I know we never talked about what happened before I... left.— and then he decides to bring it up right now?! Hell I need to move away form him, so I take a step backwards but I only manage to collide with my furniture.

—Kyle.— I try to stop him but he ignores my weak voice.

—I owe you an apology for what I did that night. I think it is clear that what I feel for you is more than just the appreciation of a friend, Liv. I don't want to disrespect you, much less I want to lose you.— A scared face is drawn on his face when the words leave his mouths. —But I want to know if you feel the same, if you tell me that you don't I will not accept it and I swear... I swear that I will not walk away.—

—You already promised that and you broke the promise instantly.— I interrupt him selfishly recalling him of that broken promise.

—I know, I shouldn't have left without telling you. The sadness that caused me to get away from you was enormous and I don't want to imagine that it was as awful for you. If it was... I'm sorry.—

—It doesn't matter anymore.— I tell hem trying to take that weight off his shoulders. If I can stop being selfish, this is a good start. —You came back, and you're here.— I tell him, putting my palm against his cheek, making sure that he is indeed in front of me. He does the same, gently stroking the skin of my face and slowly approaching me.

—Kyle.— I stop him and look for his gaze. —I'm afraid.— The confession comes off my lips as soon as his eyes connect with mine.

—Don't be. I'm not going anywhere.— I can feel my smile appear as it is covered by his warm lips. I close my eyes and return that kiss with a little fear. He let our lips dance slowly as I inspect the feelings this causes me, trying to push aside those physical sensations that it unleashes inside me, and fixing myself more in the inside. To my surprise that guilt or remorse that I hoped to feel never made an appearance, on the contrary, I feel good, I feel happy.

I slowly pull away and open my eyes to meet his gaze. A huge smile appears on his expression, which I reciprocate immediately and let him place his lips back on mine. He snuggles me into his arms and puts his head on my neck, wrapping me in a comforting hug.


I make myself comfortable on the bed, snuggling Phillip's small body against my chest. He sleeps peacefully and only complains a little moving his little arms but returns to his deep sleep immediately. I close my eyes and focus on the heat radiating from his body and the beautiful scent of his skin. I let out a big sigh as I stand here, motionless, calm ... happy.

I can hear the apartment door opening and footsteps in the hall.

—I am here.— I hear Kyle announce his entrance like he always does, making sure not to scare me. But I'm so comfortable that I don't bother to answer him back. I wait until I hear him enter the room to open my eyes and move almost nothing to see him.

—Are you two asleep?— He asks in a whisper, approaching the bed lightly without making a single noise.

—He just fell asleep.— I let him know as I let the little one take my index finger with his little hand. Whenever he falls asleep in my bed he unconsciously searches, with his little hand, for my presence and when he meets my finger he holds it tightly. It's like he's reassuring I am here. It's a connection that I love.

—It's very cold outside.— Kyle tells me, walking around the bed so he can see me in the eye. I look at him and I can't help but smile when I see his damp blond hair and the traces of snow on it.

—I can see.— I say trying not to laugh. He smiles and leans over to us, careful not to crush Phillip, and approaches my face to give me a tender kiss, which I reciprocate with pleasure. It's a feeling that I still haven't gotten used to, but I like it... a lot.

—I'm going to take a shower, okay?— He rises cautiously and stares at the little boy sleeping.

—Sure. I don't intend to move from here in a thousand years.— I say snuggling even more into bed and making him laugh a little. He disappears behind the bathroom door and then I try to return to my peaceful state with my child.

Even though I can't get my mind to clear again. I can't stop thinking about his lips and I can't help but blush... I like it a lot. During this long time I have learned to be with him, to understand him, and little by little we were connecting more and more until we let this become something more than a friendship. Some part of the new me remains alert and does not let this feeling flow. Now I am cautious and I am at a slow pace. I am trying to avoid Kyle from being something indispensable in my life. I am working on making him part of the balance of my existence, and I try to find the exact place in my heart where he belongs.

From the moment I held Phillip for the first time in my arms, I found a love that I did not know could exist within me, and I understood that my heart is huge, that each person who has existed in my life has their special space in it, in different forms and portions. It is clear to me that most of my heart belongs to Phillip and a very special part belongs to Elliot, and yet, I discover that there is still much more space.

My mother has her own place despite how complicated our relationship was. My colleges have another great part, they are my family and that is a very special space. My work is part of me too and with it all the people that I have helped to move forward, that I have done justice for them. Another person who has won part of that enormous space is Simon, despite how strange our meeting was and even more so our relationship. For a long time he was the only thing that would have resemblance to a family to me. Now I have a family. Phillip's family, they might not be my blood family... not even my in laws; but I know that there is a union that becomes stronger and stronger every day with them. Elliot's children and mother. Undoubtedly they now have one of the main rooms in my heart. I will eternally thank life for the love that they have given to my child. Phillip will know what it is to grow up in a family and that is more than I could ask for.

And last but not least. Kyle. He walked into my heart without warning and I want to make sure that he has his unique and special place in it. As much as everyone else. His own space in my heart.

On the other hand, there are the physical feelings that he causes in me. I can't help it. I am only human, flesh and blood. My body has its own needs, just like the primary ones: hunger, thirst, sleep, hygiene ... And I can't avoid that other "primary" need ... sexual. While we have decided to accept the love we have developed for each other in this time, we have not yet decided to take this to the next level. And it is not exactly that we do not want, but rather, because we want it, we must take it with caution. We know that it is something serious, something big and maybe we do not want to ruin it by rushing things. But if I have to accept something, it is that that irrational side sometimes, only sometimes, tries to invade me and not allow me to think clearly. Especially when his body gets too close to mine, when he dares to take the tender kisses to something deeper, when his hands decide to explore a little on my back without going any further. But I've managed to control myself. I just hope the right moment comes in time.

—ahmm.— Phillip starts to move letting out a couple of sounds from his throat, which manages to distract me from my thoughts. I move a little so I can see him carve his little eyes and slowly open them.

—Hello love.— I say whispering seeing the beautiful blue of his gaze on mine. He moves a little more trying to roll in bed, so I decide to help him out a bit.

—I think a storm will fall.— I was startled when I heard Kyle so close. I didn't even realize when he got out of the shower and into the room. I turn to see him and to make things worse for me he only has the towel on his hip exposing his chest to my view. Don't you have a bit of empathy inside you, Kyle?

—Ahm... you think?— I ask trying to divert my gaze from his muscles and back to Phillip.

—Yes. But I already bought everything we need.— We need? For what? I turn around with doubt looking for him to explain his last words.

—Christmas Eve.—He tells me as if it were obvious. Well, I guess for the rest of the world out there it is obvious, but for me, here in my own perfect world the only important thing that exists is my son trying to crawl on the bed.

—Is it Christmas Eve already?— I ask without letting go of Phillip.

—Yes. I had to cancel with my parents so we'll spend it together again if you don't mind.—

—Not of course it doesn't bother me.— I take Phillip to get out of bed and turn to see Kyle. Big mistake Benson! —ahm... it doesn't bother me at all.— I hesitate trying to separate my sight from his naked torso. —ahm I'm going to... give him his bottle.— I say walking backwards towards the exit, and it's only until I collide with the wall that I I turn around and rush out the door.

—Do you like what you see?— He asks smugly from the room as I try to control my hormones by focusing on getting the formula for Phillip.

—Shut up!— I repress him trying to prevent him from noticing my reaction. Phillip demands his bottle as soon as he sees it, I rush to serve it to him and I give it to him, helping him to hold it up. He takes it straight to his little mouth and without letting go he points to the bedroom turning to see me with doubt.

—Do you want to go there, love?— Well, you had to be timely little one, it is not a good idea for mommy to enter that room until she is sure that it is... safe. I decide to just walk over to the Christmas tree to switch on the lights and get him distracted by the decorations.

—What's up detective Benson?— I hear him calling me by my last name and in three seconds I have him behind me with his warm hands on my hips. I slowly turn my head without moving my body an inch to meet his gaze.

—Nothing.— and I think of a way to get away from him a bit, but his lips are already on mine snatching a kiss out of nowhere.

I turn to him and let the kiss deepen a little more, knowing that the risk of not being able to stop is great. I notice that now he is dressed, which really helps my self-control a lot and it also helps to focus on holding Phillip tightly using him as if he were something like my personal brake.

—mmm... the door.— He says without separating completely from my mouth. I open my eyes and complain a little when I hear the bell ringing.

—I'll get it.— He says to me tender separating from us. I try to catch up some air while I wonder inside myself who the hell could it be in the middle of Christmas Eve and with a storm coming. I turn around to answer my question. I watch Kyle lean out of the door and when I see a smile on his face, the doubt invades me even more.

—Hello! Come in.— I remain motionless next to the tree waiting to see who it is. Little Phillip lets go of the bottle and smiles immediately when he sees his grandmother come through the door shaking off the snow that remains in her hair, behind her the young Elizabeth follows with a huge smile on her face and Richard soon appears.

—Hello, Kyle is it?— Bernie asks with that kind smile of hers.

—That's right.— Kyle responds, taking the bundle Lizzie is carrying into his hands.

—Bro!—Richard says seeing Phillip in my arms. Immediately the little one stretches demanding the attention of his older brother. I do not hesitate to comply to his demands.

—Hello.— I greet them a little paralyzed yet.

—Hello Livie!— Lizzie approaches to hug me with euphoria. I try to reciprocate but my attention is focused on the other people who enter my apartment. I recognize Maureen and Kathleen immediately followed by a tall young man who is not known to me, I suppose he is a friend or maybe a boyfriend of one of the girls.

—Are there more people missing?— Kyle asks, moving from side to side with agility to take the girls' coats and place them in the guest closet.

—Yes, mom is coming up.— Kathleen answers.

TO BE CONTINUED...