AN: SORRY FOR THE DELAY. THANKS FOR READING.
D: LAW AND ORDER SVU AND ITS CHARACTERS ARE NOT MINE.
CHAPTER 94 THE MIRACLE ANGEL
Mom? Did she just say mom? Kathy is here... Out of nowhere my legs stop working and have the need to drop myself into a sitting position on the nearest sofa.
—Olivia.— I hear Bernie's voice close to me but my eyes stay closed. —Are you okay with us been...—
—Yes.— I stop her immediately. —Of course I am okay. More than okey. Thanks for coming.—I don't want them to feel unwanted... ever. —It's just that it was unexpected.— I say trying to sound as calm as possible.
—Well, we wanted to spend Phillip's first Christmas with him and it happened we were actually gonna be all together for once so. It kind of was a last minute decision. I'm sorry.— She tries to apologize again.
—I think it's beautiful.— I try to express the happiness that her presence really causes me. All of them. Looking at Phillip already enjoying their presence is warming. But...—Ahm...—
—Quiet. You don't have to worry about Kathy. Bernie whispers taking my hand in hers.
—I am not... it is just that the last time we saw each other was awkward.—
—I said give her time.— I hear Lizzie's soft voice and turn to meet her warm look and cute smile. I nod and breathe easier, expecting to see Kathy show up at any moment.
—Let me help you with that.— I hear Kyle talking to her at the door so I get up to go to his side.
—Thank you.— I hear Kathy's well-known voice and I focus my gaze elsewhere than on her. I sneak as close to the refrigerator as I can to accommodate the rest of the food they have brought. I am fully aware that she walks into the living room to place a couple of bags on the table and I realize how she is paralyzed for a few seconds staring at my little one. He immediately looked up to try to read her face.
—So you are little Phillip.— She says, bending herself a little to be at the height of my child who is now on Maureen's arms. It intrigues me to see him so serious, one of his hands clings to her sister's clothes while the other tries to touch Kathy's face. —How beautiful you are.— She says letting his little hand reach her skin. —You look just like your mommy.— And she looks up and our gazes finally cross. —Hi Liv.— She says giving me a warm smile.
—Hello.—I answer her in the same way, and I feel the tension beginning to vanish.
—Congratulations.— I can see her gaze shining with the tears that accumulate on her eyes.
—Thanks.— I am surprised to see the beautiful smile that I love so much appear on the little boy's face the moment she offers him her arms, he does not hesitate long to let go of Maureen and stretch until Kathy holds him.
—Are you all right?— Kyle asks me in an almost inaudible whisper as he moves behind me, arranging things in the kitchen. I just turn to look at him and nod my head.
—I told you he was gorgeous.— Elizabeth says as she stands next to her mother to play with the little one.
—Yes you did. Who is such a handsome boy?— I try to ignore the strange feeling it causes me seeing her play with Phillip. It is as if my little man really had a special gift that envelops people making them fall to his charms, his happiness so contagious to everyone.
The night passes with a special calm rhythm. Everyone has settled in the small room and have begun to talk anecdotes of their childhood Christmas Eves. They have even made me tell them about those in which we had to spend it at the precinct.
—I didn't really mind. I never really celebrated Christmas Eve. But I remember how Elliot was all sad and disappointed to have to stay at the job. There is an anecdote from several years ago when I helped him sneak out of the office without anyone noticing so he could be home and got caught but he was already gone so, Cragen accepted it.—
—We were all at home, even Grandma Bernie remember?— Kathy completes with a huge smile.
—Of course. I had not seen my son for almost two years and I found out that he would work the only night I would be able to see him. What a good surprise when he arrived.— Bernie says with teary eyes but with that peculiar smile. Suddenly everyone is silent and turns to see me and almost at the same time speak.
—Thanks Liv.— I immediately try to make the lump in my throat go down and prevent the tears from sliding down my cheeks.
—You were everything for him.— I tell them listening as my voice cracks.
—You were also very important to him, Liv.— Kathleen says with her cheeks wet with tears.
—Yes, that day he kept saying that he owed you one.—Lizzie seconds her sister.
—I told him that he owed you like a thousand!— Dickie says making us all laugh.
—He owns me nothing.— I say turning my gaze to Phillip, who huddles in my arms about to fall asleep. I hear someone sigh as I am mesmerized by my child's half-closed eyes. —Do you want me to take him to his crib?— Kyle asks me, who has been silent and attentive to each of the stories told.
—No, I'll do it. Thanks.—I get up being careful not to move him too much. —Can you take care of serving dinner, please.— I ask him, winking an eye and receiving a smile from him. He is way better that me handling the kitchen. I move awkwardly between everyone to get to the entrance of the room. I take care of finding a warm pajama for my child, and trying my best not to wake him I change him into them. He half-opens his eyes and complains a little but I finish quickly and I cradle him again in my arms to lull him calmly managing to make him go back to sleep.
—He does has Elliot's eyes.— I hear Kathy's voice behind me so I turn around immediately. Her gaze is fixed on the photo on the wall, looking cautiously, still smiling.
—Yes.— I accept looking at him in the photo myself.
—He would have loved to meet him.— Her voice breaks immediately and she creeps up her hand to get rid of the tears that are leaking from her eyes. I just keep quiet. —I'm sorry for the way I left the other day. I didn't want to be rude, I just...ahm.. I needed to process the information and...—
—Don't worry. I get it. It was also a surprise for me... a very big one.—
—Olivia, I believe life has rewarded you with this little angel and I know you deserve it.— She says stroking Phillip's hair. I smile at her thanking her for her beautiful words.
—I am really grateful for you always been there for him. For all of us.—
I place Phillip in his crib and tuck him well, let out a sigh and wipe away the tears that have slid down my cheeks.
—I was doing my job.— Somehow I try once more to justify my actions on work duty. —And I did care for you all.— I try to be more sincere. It feels natural now. I watch as she presses her lips tightly in an attempt to calm herself even though the scowl on her face reveals her desire to cry. —Kathy, I am...— She makes a gesture with her hand to stop me as she walks towards the small sofa next to the crib and falls into it with her eyes closed remaining silent for a few seconds.
—I always feared that one day... That at some point... eventually, I would receive your knock at the door to let us know that he was...— I feel like my heart narrows when I understand her words. I stand still waiting for her to take a breath to continue. —I even had nightmares of it. I always feared for a call or a message because, after all, you always let us know when he had been injured. Even after the divorce you did make sure to let me know.— She finds the words to keep expressing her feelings. —But my biggest fear was that one day you would come to tell me that he had died.— Tears come out of her blue eyes even though she tries to wipe them away immediately.
—Kathy. I'm sorry I didn't.— Immediately the guilt invades me and the image of the family at the funeral attacks me. At the end I wasn't there to tell them as she always feared. It wasn't me who bring the news to her house.
—It's not that.— She clarifies letting out a sigh. —Liv, when Cragen arrived at the house my body was filled with dread, and when I saw his gaze when I opened the door... I knew it... It was worse than my nightmares. You weren't there.— She can't hold her tears anymore and a sob gets out from her chest making my own tears to roll down my cheeks. I squat to her height and take her hands in mine trying to give her some support, and looking for one for myself.
—It must have been very hard.— I try to make her understand that I empathize with her. That back on that day I saw her pain reflected in her eyes... in all their children's... in his mother's. She nods her head trying to take a breath again.
—It really was. And telling the kids was... so difficult. But I stayed strong for them. And then I thought of you Liv. Why had it been Cragen the one to come with the news and not you. I must confess that fear invaded me at the thought that maybe you were also... death.— I remember the time when I myself wished that it had been me instead. —I was sure you were gone. When I saw you at the funeral I felt such a relief.— She confesses. —But then, your eyes told me everything. You were destroyed. I couldn't understand how come you were still standing? You looked...—
—I was devastated.— I clarify trying to stop her. —It was awful, Kathy. I wasn't prepared for it. I locked myself in my pain for weeks and I thought I would never get out of there again.—Expressing it all out load feels harsh. —But then... — My voice cuts and I just turn to see Phillip who sleeps peacefully in his crib.
—You knew you were pregnant.—Kathy guess letting out one more sigh.
—I couldn't have done it without him.— Just thinking about it makes me stop and let a sob escape from my throat. —We never planed... god... I wasn't planning on... becoming a mother.—
—It really is a miracle, Liv.— She immediately gets up and puts her arm around me and I reciprocate. In the end I think we both needed it.
—Hey, everything okay?— Kyle's voice comes as a whisper and manages to separate us, both wiping the rest of the tears.
—Yes— I can't explain much.
—Dinner is ready.— He says with his soft smile without the need for a great explanation, which I appreciate.
—We are coming.— Kathy answers, still carving her cheeks with the sleeve of her blouse. I rush to grab a couple of wet wipes and hand her one so we can cleanse ourselves better.
Before leaving the room we gave each other a sympathetic look and a slight smile, perhaps even a thank you. Never before had I put into words that time that I lived as a zombie, to anyone, and now that I have, I feel as if another part of my feelings is released from deep within me, taking the weight off me, letting me breathe.
Dinner passed peacefully, I ate everything and of course took a second plate of Kyle's Alfredo pasta and of Bernie's turkey. More anecdotes and laughter made an appearance. Even Kyle commented on the time he had to take care of a gunshot wound on Elliot's shoulder without anesthesia and how Ell endured the pain and tried to form a distraction by telling me how her daughter had painted the entire wall of her house with crayons when she was a baby. Kathleen knew immediately that it was her and laughed, letting her skin turn a little reddish with grief, knowing that even the doctor had heard such an anecdote.
It was a really beautiful night, they even handed out gifts, and even though I had nothing for anyone they insisted on giving me mine. A nice picture frame with a picture of all the brothers around Phillip when he was just a newborn. I don't even know when it was taken but it is beautiful. I was in charge of hugging each and everyone for a few seconds thanking them for everything, and I thanked a thousand times more for their presence before they left.
I take care of picking up the rest of the wrappers left on the living room floor and turning off the Christmas tree lights while Kyle takes care of the kitchen. I hurry so I can help him a bit.
—Did you have a good time?— He asks.
—Yes.— I answer truthfully.
—Enjoyed the food?— He asks with an evident mocking tone in his voice. I know he has noticed the enormous amount of food that I have allowed myself to have, but it does not sound like a scolding. He has been guiding me in a balanced diet and exercises at home to recover my ideal weight and I have faithfully follow his instructions so I think I deserved a night of breaking the diet.
—I did.— I answer smiling at him.
—There are no left overs.— He says, surprised as he takes care of putting away the dry dishes that Kathy washed.
—Well... We were a lot of people.— I remind him making sure he knows I didn't ate it all by myself. We hurry to get everything in place. I rush to look into Phillip's room and find him fast asleep. I sneak around trying not to make a noise until I can close the door, but something stops me. I turn to find Kyle with a cute little box in his hands and looking at me with a smile.
—What is it?—
—Your gift.— He tells me, handing me the beautiful box. —I hope you like it.—
—You didn't have to.— I complain. —I didn't get anything for you.— I say a bit sad.
—I don't need anything. Open it!— I can't help but smile. I move slightly to get to the living room and sit on the sofa to get rid of the wrapping and open the box cautiously. I notice inside a nice necklace with a very shiny angel-shaped pendant.
—I want it to be part of your necklace collection.— He says, pointing to the pair that hang from my neck.
—It's beautiful.— I say while I see how he takes it out to let me see it better. He walks up to me and gestures for me to turn around, so I stand up and do it gently taking my hair and letting him place the necklace lightly on my neck. I look down to see the angel and a smile lights up my face. It is a Guardian Angel, just as he has been this year. I feel how his breath collides with my skin before he tenderly kisses my neck, immediately and almost involuntarily I turn my face to be able to kiss his lips again. This time there is no Phillip to stop me. But I don't want to do it either. I don't want to stop.
TO BE CONTINUED...
AN: I AM NOT SURE IF I SHOULD ADD THE LOVEMAKING SCENE BETWEEN KYLE AND OLIVIA... I FEEL LIKE CHEATING. BUT IF YOU WANT IT LET ME KNOW.
AN2: I AM DYING WITH THE WHOLE STABLER COMING BACK TEASING THATS BEEN GOING AROUND LATELY... I CANT HANDLE IT. I JUST CANT.
