Chapter 8

Out of breath, William rounded the door into Julia's room, apologies and declarations clamouring to be released.

The room was empty.

He stared, dumbfounded at the neatly-made bed until a nurse appeared at his elbow.

"Doctor Ogden is outside in the garden."

And he was off again, dashing back through the corridors he'd recently travelled, headless of the stares he garnered. The sun dazzled him as he broke through the door to the outside that he almost tripped down the white-washed steps and into the large hospital garden.

Eventually, he found her, seated in a wheeled-chair and being pushed along the unevenly paved pathway by one of the hospital porters. With a silent signal from Murdoch, the men wordlessly switched places with barely a pause in the chair's journey.

Julia seemed not to notice his presence, so he took a moment to study her. Her head was bowed, and her curls, even more unruly than usual, tumbled from her crown to rest over her white hospital dressing gown.

In her presence, the words, which had seemed so ready to be said only moments earlier, dried up. What can I say to her? What should I say to her? He doubted himself, doubted his ability to fix their situation. He eventually summoned up the courage to speak. "Julia."

She startled and gasped his name. She tilted back to see him, squinting against the sun. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see you." He paused, yet she didn't respond. "How are you feeling?"

Her gaze returned to her lap. Really? He has not bothered to visit, and he chooses to speak in banalities, as if there is absolutely nothing wrong with abandoning his ill wife in hospital! Normally, she might have given voice to her tirade, yet with her confidence shaken, and part of her feeling that he was fully justified in absenting himself from her, she merely huffed. "I'm doing much better, thank you."

"Good…" he uttered, uselessly. "Good…"

Silence fell, and he pushed her chair aimlessly, before deciding that they might be better able to talk if they could both sit and see each other. He spied a pond, beside which was a white wooden bench. It was some distance from the path and partially surrounded by willow trees so as to provide some privacy. Diverging from the paving and crossing the grass was little trouble for him, and he eventually he parked her next to the bench, engaged the break and took a seat for himself.

Now what?

The silence continued. Both gazed across the water, seemingly mesmerised by the shifting dapples of sunlight on its surface, yet both were in silent turmoil. It was clear, to Julia at least, that she would have to be the one to break the silence, to end the painful impasse. At least, the hurt would end for one of them.

"I have a suggestion, William," she voiced at last, forcing her tone to remain level and calm, even as her heartrate ratchetted and her clasped palms became clammy. "We have clearly reached a point in our marriage where it has become apparent that we can no longer go on together happily. I suggest, therefore that we separate."

He swung around at this. "Separate?" he just managed to choke out.

"Yes." The calm in her voice only increased the incredulity in his expression. "I have considered this at length, and separation seems to be the only option left to us. I will not contest a divorce, if that is what you wish. And if so, I will take the blame for our situation."

Separation? Divorce? He shook his head. How could she be suggesting they just give up? Forgetting George's words and his own earlier remorse, anger built up in him.

"This is just like you, Julia! Your solution is always to leave!"

Stung, she released a short, bitter laugh, her calm resolve collapsing in an instant. "My solution was to work with Miss Clark to develop a fertility treatment. My solution was to use myself as a test subject. My solution was to experiment with the dose!" She dashed away a tear. "I have no more solutions left except to set you free. I have failed you once again, William. It is now clear that my infertility is an insurmountable obstacle in our marriage."

No, no, no, no, no! He shook his head vehemently. Not again! "I don't see it that way."

"Then why did you not visit?" she snapped, her voice cracking despite her best efforts. "Why were you absent for days while I lay in a hospital bed?"

He was silent. His usually brilliant mind was stuck, startled at the emotions thrown at him. Although he was desperately attempting to formulate words to solve their situation, to Julia, he only appeared cold and uncaring. Exhausted and physically weak, she was effectively stuck, forced to bear witness to his shuttered expression.

Eventually, after much too long, he slumped and sighed, only uttering one word: "guilt."

Julia jolted, assuming the word to be one of blame at her, yet he continued, his tone quiet and sad.

"I drove you to this. My desire for a child forced you to take these risks."

"No." She shook her head. There was some relief at his words, yet her arms remained clasped around herself in protection. "I am the one who has been collaborating with Miss Clark. I understood the risks, yet I entered into this freely."

"But you did it for me." He spread his hands, his eyes wide, vulnerable with hopelessness.

"Yes," she admitted quietly. "But for me, also."

They both averted their gazes. She was so very tired. The sun had disappeared behind a cloud some moments ago. No longer bathed in its warmth, she began to feel every ache in her body exacerbated by the strain from holding herself seated. "I'm cold, William. Please may we go back inside?"

"Of course." He did not want to leave things unresolved, but he noticed at last that she was shivering. Shucking off his jacket, he placed it over her torso, tenderly tucking it around her. Staying crouched before her, his eyes pleaded with her. "Can we resume our discussion inside?"

She nodded with a sigh, her eyes closing against her will. His heart full of a swirling mass of so many emotions, William touched his lips to her mass of blond curls, then resumed his position behind her chair to begin the journey back to the hospital building.

He missed the tear that escaped her at his actions.


Settling Julia into bed was an awkward dance. Of course, she would have preferred not to receive any assistance, yet merely raising to a standing position caused her legs to quiver and her elbows to buckle as she pushed against the arms of the wheeled-chair.

For his part, William was silently alarmed that Julia was so drained that she could not walk the few steps to the bed without assistance. Grasping each other's arms, he took her weight during the manoeuvre, easing her down onto the mattress when he felt her about to drop. Under the guise of manoeuvring the a chair next to her bed, he turned his back as she adjusted herself, her nightdress and the bed sheets, granting her at least some of the independence and privacy he knew she must be craving.

Eventually, with William seated on a chair, and Julia sitting in bed, her weary body supported by pillows and the metal headboard, there was nothing more to prevent the recommencement of their discussion. It was he who spoke first, in acknowledgement that she had made the first, brave move earlier.

"Doctor Harris spoke with me, Julia," he ventured. "He is really quite concerned about the pills you are taking. He…" And he took a deep breath, guessing the next statement would not go down so well with his headstrong wife. "He strongly cautioned against taking them again. And I must say that I agree. I really can longer stay silent while you take them."

Surprising William, she nodded instead of arguing. "He urged me to abstain as well. And I certainly do not wish to feel this unwell again. So do not worry, William, my last attempt is over." She stared straight ahead at the closed door to her room, willing her eyes not to glisten even as she felt the heavy weight of her next words. "I can conclude that I have failed." She swallowed. "Miss Clark was not at all pleased that I messed with the parameters of our experiment."

"You mean by increasing the dosage?" He ignored her comment about failure for now, as her apparent recklessness was something he needed to address first.

She nodded, finally glancing over at him. "She is, admittedly, correct, that the results are of little use because of my actions."

"So why alter the dose?" he asked. "Did you not consider that there may be risks?"

"Objectively, of course I did. But my desire to become pregnant overruled my caution."

He frowned. "I thought scientists were meant to think with logic and reason."

She flinched, stung that he was criticising her professional abilities. "Scientists are also human, William. We cannot completely turn off our emotions."

He sighed, conceding to her point. "But why take the risk?

"Come on, William," she huffed, turning to fully face him with a wince. "Are you completely blind to what our relationship has become? I felt my only choice was to become pregnant as soon as possible lest we drift even further apart."

"Of course I have not been completely oblivious," he began slowly. He had noticed the strain in the physical aspects of their marriage, and saddened by the silences between them, although he had apparently been less concerned than Julia. He said as much to her, adding, "I suppose I did not feel the pressure of having to become pregnant myself. But Julia," he spoke with urgency then, leaning forward and grasping her hand. "I do not want you putting yourself at risk or making yourself unhappy in an attempt to have a baby."

The press of his hand was insistent, his gaze unwavering.

She did not agree, nor did she disagree. She merely entangled her fingers with his, squeezing briefly and weakly. He conceded that that may be the best he could get from her under the circumstances, and settled back in his chair to sit quietly with his wife.


She was sagging, he noticed sometime later, her body sinking deeper into the pillows and her head drooping. "I'll let you rest," he said, standing. Yet noting the immediate flash of panic on her face, he squeezed her hand, amending his words. "But I will stay as long as I am able. Let's just make you more comfortable."

This time he did help ease her down, rearranging her pillows and tucking the blanket back around her. Unbidden, her arms clasped around him, needing to feel him close as her emotions threatened to overwhelm her. He responded in kind, leaning down over her, and gathering her up against him, feeling her trembling with supressed sobs.

"I've missed you, William." Her voice broke, yet she fought to continue. "I hate that our conjugal habits have become so devoid of love and passion. It makes me feel-" She stopped abruptly, already cringing away from revealing too much.

"What, Julia?" he prompted. "What do you feel?"

She sniffed, then fell silent a moment. The urge to close up and protect herself from further hurt was strong. But the psychiatrist in her knew that giving words to her feelings may lead to resolution. She steeled herself, then haltingly began. "That… That you no longer desire me as you once did." She paused, then whispered, "That you no longer love me."

And William's heart broke for her. He has been feeling the pressure to perform, and he missed their emotional connection, yet not once had he felt that Julia no longer loved him. "Oh, Julia, that's not true." He held her tighter, as if he could transfer his love to her through a fierce embrace. "When we resume our relations, I'll prove that I still desire you. But," he added with a blush, "we need to be free of pressure and routine. Our relations should not be a chore. Don't you agree?"

She nodded slowly, not yet at a point where she could fully believe his assurances, but that was okay, he decided. He would work to ensure that they returned to the happy and loving couple they had once been.

"I do love you, Julia," he whispered into her hair.

She sniffed and tucked her face further into his neck. "And I love you, William, very much so."


A/N: Thank you all so much for reading, and thank you for the reviews. A few of you were rather angry with William - that wasn't actually my intention, but I'm quite happy this fic made you feel something. I hope you think he's redeemed himself in this chapter! :)