A/N: Last chapter will be up tomorrow sometime. I still have to edit. I have to admit, my son and his friends came in from playing in the snow today and they asked me why I was crying. Ten year old boys do not understand, let's leave it at that. Please review, let me know what you like.

CHAPTER 15 Breakup Breakdown

I laid in Wade's bed as I had so many times before. I stared at the ceiling. The Gatehouse was rustic and charming when it was clean. I loved waking up under the sky without having to be outside in the Alabama heat and bugs. Today, everything was different. Neither of us wanted to speak. How did he know I was going to take the fellowship?

'I still love you Wade, that isn't changing"

"What are you saying Doc?"

"I don't know, where do we go from here?"

"I don't know either.. I am not sure I can keep fallin' deeper and deeper just for you to leave."

That is when it hit me. He knew because I didn't tell him. If I would have told him, it would have meant us talking about the pros and cons and that he would have had a chance. He knew by me not saying anything that was going.

"Wade do you want me to stay?"

"Do you want to stay?"

He didn't want me to regret it and I didn't want to blame him if I started regretting not accepting it. We were at an impasse.

"Should I go?"

"Do you want to go?"

"Wade, stop. Just tell me. Doc, this is all your decision. I told you how I feel about you, It is very clear how I feel."

"Wade I do love you that is clear to me too."

"Then stay"

He tenderly caressed my arm as I laid curled into him. I couldn't bring myself to look into his hazel eyes. I had seen them this time of morning, when his eyes were at their greenest unless he was wearing green of course.

"Zoe, I have to go to work"

"Can't you call in?"

"You know I don't do that. I live up to my responsibilities. I may be a few min late here and there but I don't call in."

He took his time getting out of the bed. I wondered if this would be my last time seeing him at this time of day. We still had a month before I left. I felt an emptiness come over me and I reached for his hand. He turned slowly and said "Zoe, don't"

The shower began and I heard some groans and something hitting the wall. Neither of us had gotten all of our emotions out last night. I joined him in the shower and the pain kept coming in waves.

"Wade, this hurts so bad. I can't leave."

"I am not letting you stay for me. If you stay, it is because you want me yes, but because you want this life, a life here with people you love and love you."

The warm water relaxed our very tense muscles and the love we shared seemed to ease the pain. This time, I looked into his chameleon eyes, "Please don't break up with me. We will figure it out. You always tell me not to worry, to take one day at a time."

"Zoe, that is the last thing on God's green earth that I want. I can't imagine my life without you. I am going to have to."

"Can I come see you at the bar today, like always do for lunch and dinner?"

"Yeah, yeah you can do that." He kissed me softly goodbye.

I want to stay so bad but what if he is right and I regret not being a surgeon. I love this man so much. I was lost before him and even though I seem a little lost now, it is only because I never thought I would get the fellowship and didn't know if I still wanted it.

XXXX

"You have room for me at the bar?"

"Always"

He stood there half smiling, half holding back his emotions in front of the lunch crowd. The wall of bottles behind him, framing his body with a soft caramel colored glow. I could see his reflection of his back side in the mirror, his perfectly proportioned body, the little curve of his hairline, the hemline of his fitted tshirt hugging the top of his back pockets. I would miss all of these little things.

"Zoe, you want the salmon salad or somethin' else?"

"Whatever, I am not even hungry. I just want to be near you."

He sighed heavily. "You need to eat, too many people depend on you. By the way, when I went by Dad's last night, he said he needed to talk with you. I will just tell him you are busy and I will break it to him that you are leaving."

Shelley overheard and practically shouted. "You're leaving, leaving for where? For how long?" Wade's eyes fell. I ran to the bathroom.

"Shel, can you ever keep your damn mouth shut? Take over the bar, I am going in the bathroom to get Zoe."

"Zoe, you are going to have to accept that you are leaving if you want me to be able to accept it."

"Will you walk me back to the office. I can't be here."

I crumbled to the floor in my office after Wade walked out. Sobbing, talking to myself. "Wade, I love you. I am sorry I love you. I don't want to leave, I just want to be a surgeon."

Addy was frightened when she heard me wailing. " , what is going on?"

I tried to tell her the story, but I was freaking out. I felt like I was going crazy. I was incoherent. Brick was out for two days on a fishing trip. The only thing Addy knew to do was to call Wade. Later Addy told me that he was by my side within a couple of minutes. She told Wade to take me home and to get me some rest. After he put me in the car, I heard her tell him. I think she is having a nervous breakdown.

Then she said, "Wade, I am not kidding, text me every change in her."

It was like I was having an outer body experience.

I woke up a few hours later in Wade's bed. He was sitting in a chair he had pulled over from the living room, just staring at me.

"How are ya?"

"I am tired, so tired."

"Here, drink some water. You didn't eat lunch so maybe you are hungry and that is what caused you to collapse"

I drank a few sips and tried to give it back, but he made me drink more. I could see all of the love and all of the hurt in his eyes. I could tell he was worried, but I didn't have the strength to talk.

"Shhh, just go back to sleep, I am right here baby."

I tried to say okay but I am not sure if I did. The next time I woke up, it was pitch black dark outside. Wade was asleep in the chair. I tried to get myself out of the bed, but my legs were so weak that I fell, my head hitting the bed frame.

"That's it. I am calling an ambulance." As he got me back in bed.

"No, please don't Wade. I was trying to go to the bathroom, I tripped."

"Why can't you ask for help? Zoe you are scaring me. Easy, just let me carry you."

"No"

He picked me up anyway and took me to the bathroom. He held onto me as I sat down. He stood there while I did my business."

He took me to the sink to wash my hands and face. He brushed my hair and put it in a ponytail. He picked me up and took me back to bed.

"Wade, you don't have to take care of me."

"I don't, ummm. You want me to call Candice or Ethan? Get some sleep. Addy said that you are exhausted and I can't help but think that I am the cause of that."

"Will you sing to me until I go to sleep?"

"Yeah, I can do that."

"Will you get in bed with me?"

"Zoe, I can't" When he said that my body began trembling. My skin producing sweat. I couldn't think. What was happening to me.

"Zoe, Okay, okay, it's fine baby, of course I will. He slipped in beside me. I was freezing or at least on the inside.

"I need your body heat."

He quickly removed everything but his boxers. I am sure there is so much more to tell but I can't remember. I was still shivering. He sang softly to me, "You are so Beautiful to me, can't you see…", until I was asleep.

XXXXX

I texted Addy everything. Told her Zoe didn't want an ambulance just me. Addy said she left Brick a message so hopefully he would be able to come home tomorrow. Addy closed the office the following day.

I texted Wally and told him that I wouldn't be in for a week. Told him I couldn't say why but he knew me . I never called in. He probably figured it was Earl.

Zoe finally woke up around noon the next day. She was dizzy.

"Wade what happened?"

"Do you remember anything?"

"I remember being in the Rammer Jammer."

"That was about twenty four hours ago"

"What, I have to get to work. Brick is gone. You have to get to work or do you work late?"

"Zoe, you aren't going anywhere and neither am I. Darlin' you are exhausted and maybe a little freaked out."

"Why would I be freaked out? I am not pregnant am I?"

I chuckled and said,"I wish"

"You do, you would want to have a baby with me?"

"Yeah Zoe, I would love that".

"Wow." She looked genuinely shocked. I could tell in her faca that something was happening.

I put my hand on her heart and it was beating fast so I put her hand on my heart. I was hoping to steady her heart rate. I have heard that two people can start beating together and breathing together. Not a doctor though just using what I had at my disposal.

"Zoe when I saw you with Annabelle, I thought about our future and I saw us with a couple of little girls. You are really great with her."

Ah oh, I could feel her heart start racing again. I knew for sure that this was being caused by her leaving for the fellowship how she felt guilty about me, Annabelle, Earl. Anytime I mentioned anything about us three it would happen. I tried my damndest not say anything that would cause her to have these panic attacks or breakdowns.

"Addy brought some soup by since I couldn't leave. Gonna heat it up for you. Don't move, promise me Zoe."

I would be happy to take care of this woman for the rest of my life.

"Here ya go. Sit up."

I fed her. She looked so small, smaller than normal. Her skin was clammy from sweating, being hot and cold. After she ate, I took a shower with her so I could hold her up, nothing else. I held her with one arm, completely around her midsection and washed her hair and body with my other hand. I turned her around facing me and washed her face and the front of her body. It finally registered to me that I was petrified, not of her going to New York but losing her in a different way. Her fragility was apparent.

"Wade"

"yeah"

"I love you"

"I know."

"You haven't called me Doc since"

"Zoe, don't talk about it. Let's get you back in the bed."

I sat in the chair next to her. She seemed a little stronger right now. I decided to tell her my thoughts.

"Zoe, I think talking about you moving is a trigger, also Annabelle and Earl. Everytime one of those subjects came up in the last thirty hours, your body has had a reaction. I am telling you this because I want your permission to take you to the hospital."

"No, I will not go to the hospital"

"okay, well put your doctor hat on if you feel like it. Tell me what to do for you."

"Wade, you are the one that should have been the doctor. You have been doing everything possible. Rest is the main thing."

"We both have a week off so that is good."

"How can you take a week off? You need the money."

"Zoe, I have plenty of money, just have never needed to use it."

"What do you mean? When mom died, Jesse and I got an insurance payment. It was put into a trust until we were 25. At that point, I invested it. So I can take off a week, no problem."

"Thanks, but I can take care of myself."

"No Zoe, you can't right now. Hey, it is helping me too. I get to spend more time with you."

"Yeah right, you hate me"

"Never could I ever." I scooted her over and we laid sitting half up.

"How about if I read some more of Cold Mountain?"

"I would love that. Thank you." She stretched to kiss me on the cheek.

I read for about an hour until I saw her eyes getting heavy. Mine were too. We both went to sleep until I heard a knock on the door. "Come in"

"Hey Lavon"

"What's going on with Z?"

I snuck out of bed and she rolled over. Let's go outside.

"She is either having panic attacks or a nervous breakdown. I'm terrified Lavon. "

"So, things didn't go well when you talked about the fellowship?"

"That feels like ages ago, sorry for not filling you in. We had a blowup. She is moving to New York,or was. All of this started the next morning, which I guess was yesterday. I told him as much as I could remember about that night and everything since.

"Maybe she doesn't want to go. Maybe she is trying to find a reason not to go."

"Lavon, she has a reason, ME, you, your baby, Annabelle, Earl. But we can't hold her back. I did have an idea though. I thought about asking Brick about getting her to apply for a fellowship in New Orleans or Mobile, Pensacola. They have surgeons everywhere for Gods sake. What do you think?"

"Might work"

"Lavon I think this is her mind telling her body that she is making the wrong decision, maybe this could be a way where it wouldn't have to be over."

"I will go in and sit with her. You call Brick, call Jonah too, anybody to give you info"

I stayed out on the porch. Brick said he was on his way back and would be over as soon as he can. I told him she was stable this last time. I told him about the fellowship and the role I think it has played in this breakdown. He said he would make some calls.

I came back in the house. She was still asleep. Lavon can you stay awhile longer?"

"Of course, man whatever you need."

I went to her house and got her some pajamas, her favorite shampoo. I went to the ButterStick for muffins, bought berry flavored water. I picked up a to go order from the Rammer Jammer in case she was really hungry but if not, I would eat it.

When I returned, she was still asleep and Brick hadn't been there.

"Lavon, you have to keep this quiet. This would kill her career and then neither one of us will have a chance.

"Tell her I was here. I will bring down breakfast tomorrow morning."

Jonah texted me and said he would check into it for me. He was a surgeon in Mobile so he knew everyone. I told him that Zoe had been awarded NY Presbyterian fellowship so he thought for sure, he could get her an interview. I sighed with relief.

"Texting a hot chick, when I am laying on my deathbed" she smiled.

"Yeah something like that."

I gathered my thoughts as I didn't want to send her over the edge. Fed her a few pieces of fruit and more water.

"I have a salad, burger and fries from RJ if you want any."

She ate three or four fries.

"I see those wheels turning, care to share?"

"Zoe, do you want to be a surgeon or do you want to be a surgeon in New York City?"

"What? I want to be a surgeon."

"Do you want to be Annabelle's doctor?"

"Oh god, Annabelle, how is she? I have to go see her. Where is my phone?"

She started getting anxious again so I backed off. " Zoe, just breathe baby, in and out." I held her hand and it squeezed it tight.

Brick said " Wade, Zoe, I wasn't sure which house. How is she doing?"

"Uhh right here. You can talk to me"

"I see she hasn't lost her attitude."

"No sir, just as stubborn as ever."

"Zoe, I am going to examine you."

She answered everything she could remember and Brick had all of my texts to Addy as a timeline.

"Zoe, you are more than likely having panic attacks. I can prescribe you something. Do you want me to?"

"Brick, I can get through this just give me some time. Everything was finally going right in my life. I love working with you now. I fell in love with a man that loves me more than life. Then Annabelle, got sick, it sent Earl back to drinking and I got the fellowship I had dreamed of my entire life and now I have to give it all up."

"So, Wade was right, he found the trigger. Dr. Hart , if your body is reacting this way, maybe you should think about your decision some more."

"Brick, Can you bring Earl over to see me today or tomorrow? Wade can't leave me."

"Of course."

"Wade, keep doing what you have been. Her vitals are pretty good."

"Thanks Brick"