The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters has been stolen at an art exhibit. This takes place after the events of The Orpheus Gambit. I just thought it was time Mallory had some frank discussions with her son. As well as answering the question…
Whatever Happened To Veronica Deane?
"Well that debacle reminded me of the old days," Mallory Archer grumbled as she sat in the back of a limo. "And not in a good way!"
"What do you mean?" Archer asked. He was riding with her as well. "We caught the art thief and saved the statue!"
"By wrecking half the gallery!" Mallory told him. "And all those other exhibits! I'm going to get a bill for the cleanup. I just know it!"
"By the way Mother," Archer glared at her. "Thanks a lot for not telling me Lana got married to some old rich creepy dude! I don't believe it!"
"Neither do I," Mallory sighed. "I had Cyril in the betting pool!"
"What?" Archer snapped.
"Lana landing a billionaire?" Mallory groaned. "Didn't see that coming!"
"Okay are you sure we're not doing phrasing again?" Archer asked.
"What's next?" Mallory asked as she took a drink from a flask in her purse. "Pam winning a Miss America contest? Cheryl running for President? Gillette getting his own talk show? Actually, that last one I do see. What? He's a good listener!"
"Why didn't you tell me?" Archer snapped.
"Because that was Lana's job!" Mallory told him. "It's not my fault she didn't rip off that band aid when she had the chance!"
"No, you let her not tell me and have me find out in the second most shocking and humiliating way possible," Archer said sarcastically. "Thanks a lot!"
"Second?"
"The first is if I walked in on them having sex!" Archer barked.
"Oh right," Mallory waved. "Duh!"
"I can't believe Lana just got married only eight months into my coma!" Archer groaned.
"Technically she was married eight months, a week and five days into your coma," Mallory admitted. "It was easier to round it down."
"Oh, that's so much better!" Archer threw up his hands.
"Sterling I know you don't want to hear this…"
"But you're going to say it anyway," Archer grumbled.
"But did you really expect Lana to sit and wait for you to literally come to your senses?" Mallory barked. "Especially after that whole Veronica Deane nonsense!"
"Yes!" Archer snapped. "Wait, whatever happened to Veronica Deane?"
"Not important," Mallory waved.
"Kind of is," Archer snapped. "She's the one who shot me and put me in a coma!"
"Which would never have happened if you knew how to use a cyborg clone correctly!" Mallory snapped. "Sterling if you have a cyborg clone and you're about to confront a murderous crazy woman, you let the cyborg clone get shot first! It's Decoy 101!"
"Well I needed to make sure the cyborg recorded Veronica's entire confession!" Archer snapped. "I had to get shot first in order to preserve everything!"
Mallory gave him a look. "Or, you could have just hidden yourself in the bushes and recorded the entire thing on your phone as a backup."
Archer blinked. "That would have worked."
"You think?" Mallory snapped.
"I didn't think of that," Archer admitted.
"Obviously!"
"That would have been a lot easier," Archer winced. "And a lot less painful. I really should have thought of that."
Mallory snapped. "And if you hadn't jerked Lana around by lying to the police as a joke, you never would have had to think of that! I'm sorry Sterling, but I can't blame Lana for ditching you for a better prospect. Not that the bar was set high for her in the first place. But boy did she pass it."
"I don't believe it…" Archer groaned.
"Sterling the damn cyborg proposed to her before you did!" Mallory snapped. "I think she would have married it if it didn't malfunction and get blown to pieces!"
"WHAT?" Archer did a double take. "When was this?"
"Literally right after you got shot," Mallory snapped. "Again, it probably would have taken your place. And sometimes I think I would have been better off with the cyborg! At least I could program it to not make a mess of things! Honestly there are times I think I would be better off with the giant toaster!"
"Hang on," Archer blinked. "What happened to Milton? Is he at the office? I didn't see him."
Mallory paused. "I honestly don't know."
"What?" Archer asked.
"I haven't heard at thing about that thing since the idiots moved back to New York," Mallory told him. "So, it's either in Krieger's lab or the dumpster. Pray for the dumpster."
"Mother! That's a horrible thing to say!" Archer gasped.
"What? Still a better place than Krieger's lab," Mallory told him.
"Point taken," Archer admitted. "So, what did happen with Veronica?"
"Oh, it's Veronica now is it?" Mallory snarled. "On a first name basis with your attempted killer, are we?"
"Oh, like she's the first!" Archer snapped. "And that never happened to you!"
"Point taken," Mallory sighed.
"So, what did happen to Veronica Deane?" Archer asked. "I'd like to know after I sacrificed myself to save Lana."
"Well…" Mallory paused. "I don't know how to tell you this Sterling. But your whole mismanaged cyborg stunt was…"
"Heroic?" Archer asked. "Gallant? Brave? Extremely self-sacrificing?"
"Unnecessary."
"WHAT?" Archer yelled. "How could my incredibly brave plan…?"
"Incredibly stupid plan…" Mallory interrupted.
"Be unnecessary?" Archer finished.
"Well for starters," Mallory sighed. "Turns out Veronica Deane's security cameras were on. And they were wired for sound."
"Oh," Archer blinked. "So, they recorded everything?"
"Yes," Mallory nodded.
"Did not know that."
"You probably would have if you had cased the joint," Mallory told him. "Or did a quick recon. As what most spies usually do. Mister World's Greatest Spy!"
"Point taken," Archer groaned.
"The police found the security recordings surprisingly quickly," Mallory said dryly. "As well as a detailed confession of the murder in her diary which she left behind in her haste."
"I'm guessing the cops found those things with a search warrant?" Archer groaned.
"Oh yes," Mallory told him. "Along with Veronica Deane's financial records proving she was bankrupt. Ellis Crane's life insurance policy with a clause saying she got double if he died a violent death. The search engine on her computer which came up with topics such as fingerprint copies, bankruptcy payments, inheritance law, how to frame someone for murder, How to Get Away With Murder…Ironically a favorite TV show of hers."
"Wow."
Mallory finished. "But it was the picture of Ellis Crane they found in her closet covered in knives and scribbled the words, Die Bastard Die and I'm Going To Kill You that really hit it home."
"Oh," Archer frowned. "I didn't know that."
Mallory waved. "Not to mention her lousy little shyster didn't help matters."
"Shapiro? What about him?" Archer asked.
"Alan Shapiro may be a lot of things," Mallory told him. "But a criminal mastermind isn't one of them."
FLASHBACK!
"I can't believe I'm doing this," Alan Shapiro groaned as he finished putting Lana's fingerprints on the murder weapon. "I'm actively framing Lana Kane…An innocent woman for Veronica Deane. Who most definitely killed Ellis Crane. Why am I doing this? Why am I jeopardizing my career for her?"
"Because I'm in love with her. I can't help myself. And if there's a single chance that this will make Veronica fall in love with me, then yes I'm stupid enough to take it!"
"Even though I know deep down she doesn't love anybody but herself. Eh. The heart wants what it wants."
"But what's done is done," Shapiro sighed. "I just framed an innocent woman. God if this ever gets out I am definitely going to get disbarred. Good thing nobody saw me go in."
Then he turned around. "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?"
Behind him were four people. One was a camera man with a camera. Another was a sound guy. The third was a male security officer. The fourth was a woman with blonde hair, stylish dress and a microphone. "Mary Hartman, Entertainment Now," The woman told him.
"From the Number One rated entertainment news program?" Shapiro blinked.
"Yes," Mary said as she spoke into the microphone. "We were doing a piece on Ellis Crane and Veronica Deane's marriage and we wanted to get some footage of the crime scene. And dressing room."
"And you just let them in here?" Shapiro yelled at the security guard.
"It's my favorite show," The security guard shrugged. "Besides I was told as long as I was escorting them and making sure they didn't make a mess it was fine by my bosses."
"They like our program too," The sound guy remarked.
"O-kay," Shapiro gulped. "Uh how much did you hear?"
"Everything," Mary told him.
"And did you record anything?" Shapiro gulped.
"I was rolling the camera as soon as we saw you sneaking into the dressing room," The camera man said.
"I was recording most of it with my phone," The security officer showed him.
"Me too," The sound guy showed him.
"I see…" Shapiro gulped.
Mary Hartman held the microphone and looked into the camera. "This is Mary Hartman with exclusive footage of the confession of Alan Shapiro's willful cover up of Veronica Deane's involvement in the murder of Ellis Crane. Mr. Shapiro is there anything you would like to say before your arrest?"
"Well Mary," Shapiro sighed. "There's only one thing I can say. SMOKE BOMB!"
Shapiro ran around the dressing room throwing things as the security guard chased him and eventually tackled him to the ground. "AAAHHH!" Shapiro shouted. "I WANT A LAWYER! PREFERABLY ONE BETTER THAN I AM!"
FLASHFORWARD!
"So basically, the idiot literally got caught in the act and sold Veronica out to save his skin?" Archer asked.
"Not just Veronica Deane," Mallory told him. "Apparently Shapiro sang like a turkey trying to get out of Thanksgiving dinner by singing an opera."
FLASHBACK…
"Okay, okay…I can tell you everything you want to know," Shapiro was nervous as he was sitting in an interrogation room. Presided over by two different cops. "There are a lot more celebrities tied up in Long Water than you know! And other insurance scams worth billions of dollars."
"Eh…" One cop shrugged. "It's insurance. That business is pretty much a rip off anyway."
"Well I know other things too," Shapiro went on. "Cocaine dealing! I know who's supplying cocaine to all the A list movie stars all over town! Big names! And I have proof."
"Eh," Another cop shrugged. "Cocaine and A list stars…Kind of like thins out the herd."
"Yeah gives the B listers a chance to move up," The first cop agreed.
"Wait! I can give you the names of all the prostitution rings in this town!" Shapiro went on. "And their clients!"
"Let me guess," The first cop sighed. "It's everybody."
"Shocker," The second cop snorted.
"Illegal cock fights!" Shapiro told them, clearly sweating even more. "There are illegal cock fighting matches in the hills and people are betting on them! I can give you everything! Names! Locations! Secret chicken breeding facilities! Big names are involved! Big names!"
"Don't chickens usually end up dead and fried anyway?" The first cop asked.
"I know people who are cheating on their taxes!" Shapiro added.
"Does this look like the IRS to you?" The second cop asked.
"I have a list of celebrities who actively bribed their kids into colleges!" Shapiro added. "Using fake sporting profiles!"
"The rich bribing their kids into school," The first cop remarked. "Shocker."
"Okay, okay I didn't want to do this but I have to play my final card," Shapiro sighed. "I know things about Danzee Donuts. You know? The biggest donut maker in this city? I know for a fact that he uses low quality ingredients. I mean really low quality. He uses powdered paper to make his donuts instead of flour. I'm serious, instead of flour he uses powdered paper!"
The cops looked at each other. "Start talking…" The first cop said.
"You can tell us all about that other stuff too," The second cop said. "But donuts first."
FLASHFORWARD!
"Shapiro ratted on everyone and everything he could think of to save his slimy hide," Mallory sneered. "Including those clowns that held us hostage. Last I heard he was being disbarred and trying to save his ass from being used by his former clients."
"Holy shit," Archer was stunned. "What happened to Veronica Deane? Did they find her in Mexico?"
"She never got to Mexico," Mallory snickered. "They found her in a rest area near Carlsbad. Screaming her head off and pissing blood like Sissy Spacek in Carrie. Apparently, she got infected with a venereal disease. Commonly known as Archers!"
"Oh," Archer winced. "I thought that was coming back…"
"Your infected dick literally bit Deane in the ass!" Mallory told him. "And other body parts."
"Yeah…" Archer gulped. "I have no idea how that happened. Must have been one of those weird medical things."
"Or all those whores you screwed in the world's worst porno!" Mallory snapped.
"I don't think that's canon," Archer coughed.
"It doesn't matter," Mallory waved. "This is what happened. Okay Cops found Veronica Deane on the toilet screaming and pissing out blood and some weird green…stuff."
"Don't you mean the cops?" Archer asked. "That's correct grammar."
"No, I mean Cops," Mallory said. "As in the TV show. One of their units were riding with the police cruiser on their rounds when the call came in."
"Oh."
"Now of course the police are trying to arrest her but she didn't want to get off the toilet," Mallory told Archer. "For obvious reasons. And the cops are trying to figure out how to take her in without her messing up their squad car. Picture it. The stall door is wide open. Veronica Deane is hysterical and screaming about pain and making people pay and how she should have shot more people while being handcuffed and…You know? And crew from Cops is filming the whole thing. Of course, when they aired it all the bits were blurred."
"I'm sure there's an unedited version," Archer remarked.
"Ask Pam," Mallory said. "One cop is calling for an ambulance and backup and another one is trying to question Deane. Suddenly the bitch realizes that she's being filmed and she really loses her shit. Literally at one point. Made a mess when she stood up."
"Ugh," Archer winced. "Maybe I don't want to see the unedited version?"
"Anyway," Mallory went on. "She's screaming at the camera. She's mortified and is screaming about her image. Suddenly she lunges towards the cop in order to grab his gun, but she slips on the mess she created on the floor. Somehow, she managed to grab the gun from the cop but fell backwards really hard. Her head hits the toilet really hard and at the exact same time the gun goes off. Right into her face."
"Oh my God!" Archer gasped. "So, she's…"
"As a bloody messy doornail," Mallory nodded with an evil smile. "It was like a Quentin Tarantino retelling of the legend of Lupe Velez."
Archer shuddered. "That's the most horrible death story I've ever heard. Is that really true?"
"Depends on if I took one of Krieger's LSD breath strips by mistake," Mallory shrugged. "I know the Shapiro part is true. I could be flashbacking into fantasy with the latter. I mean her life if she still has one is definitely ruined."
"Well if we don't hear from her," Archer shrugged. "It's canon."
"Sometimes karma is a wonderful bitch," Mallory mocked. "The press had a field day. Forgot all about Lana and the rest of us. Which was a relief. Those damn reporters kept blocking access to my parking spot!"
"Reporters?" Archer gasped. "What reporters?"
"Sterling your dick got us involved in a murder of one of Hollywood's most famous directors by one of Hollywood's most famous actresses!" Mallory snapped. "Did you really think our agency wouldn't get any publicity? And not the good kind!"
"Oh God…" Archer blinked.
"Some opportunistic paparazzi rat tried to take a picture of AJ in the park!" Mallory snapped. "Fortunately, Pam and Ray had a nice little talk with him. And Pam got a new camera. It's really nice actually."
"Oh my…Wait!" Archer realized something. "AJ! I haven't seen AJ since I got here! How come?"
"You've been back for over three months and you're asking about your daughter now?" Mallory barked.
"I've been a little preoccupied!" Archer snapped.
"Yes, preoccupied with self-pity and the bottle," Mallory told him.
Archer went on. "Besides I assumed Lana didn't bring her because she didn't want to see me…Mother where's AJ?"
"She's fine," Mallory waved. "You'll see her on Christmas break."
"WHAT?" Archer barked. "LANA PUT MY DAUGHTER IN BOARDING SCHOOL? How could she do something like that without telling me?"
"Sterling," Mallory glared at him. "You asked about Lana, the woman who shot you and the toaster before you asked about your own children! I think it's safe to say that at least Lana knows what's best for Abbiejean!"
"Children?" Archer did a double take. "I have another kid?"
Mallory rolled her eyes. "Seamus? Remember the tattoo on your shoulder? The one with the Irish whore?"
"Oh, right him," Archer blinked. "The spaceship in my dream was named Seamus. Oh, that's why…"
"God, you lost more brain cells than I thought," Mallory grumbled. "To answer your question though AJ is fine. It's a lovely exclusive Swiss school which Robert is mostly paying for. Again, I have to give credit to Robert! And Lana for landing him!"
"You know how I feel about private schools!" Archer snapped. "How could Lana do something so horrible to AJ to just ship her off to some prison?"
"Prison?" Mallory snapped. "Sterling, AJ was tested and found to be in the top percentile of her age group! She would have been bored out of her mind in public school!"
"She is?" Archer did a double take.
"I know. It came as a shock to me as well," Mallory admitted. "She obviously didn't get her intelligence from her parents."
"Oh ha, de, ha ha…" Archer said sarcastically. "Still to ship a poor little girl off to…"
"For crying out loud Sterling I saw the damn school!" Mallory snapped. "Not only does it look like the brainchild between Disney and NASA…AJ gets pony riding lessons, skiing lessons, swimming lessons, snowman making lessons…"
"There are lessons for making snowmen?"
"Apparently," Mallory shrugged. "They also have tea parties every Wednesday with actors dressed up as literary writers or characters. Some kind of multi-cultural crap fest every other week. And she goes on field trips to museums all the time! Plus, they have a spa! A little five-star kiddie spa for girls!"
"Seriously?" Archer did a double take.
"She's living the life of Riley," Mallory groaned. "I wish I could go there!"
"Does she even know that I'm out of my coma?"
"She knows! She's been waiting for you to call or write her!" Mallory snapped. "Lana calls her every week. And I write to her every week! Hell, even Pam and Ms. Gillette write to her every week! What have you done?"
"I can't believe this!" Archer gasped. "How could Lana just send a crying little girl…?"
"Oh, there was crying all right!" Mallory interrupted. "On Lana's end! AJ was fine. One look at the ponies and she was in heaven. I guess some good came out of Ron taking her to the racetrack all the time."
"WHAT?" Archer did a double take. "When…?"
"During the whole detective phase and the first few months of your coma," Mallory explained. "He'd take her to the track and she had a ball. She even picked out a few winners believe it or not."
"God damn…"
"There were even a few birthday parties at the track," Mallory admitted.
"They have those?" Archer asked. "That's a thing now?"
"That is so a thing now," Mallory told him. "Again, hindsight it gave AJ a love of horses which made her love the school at first sight. Again, you would know this by now if you weren't so self-centered!"
"It's still horrible what Lana did!" Archer barked.
"Yes Sterling," Mallory rolled her eyes. "Horrible that Lana gave her child an excellent education, a chance to make some good friends as well as social contacts and encouraging her to do things she loves. And you're forgetting something else! Safety!"
"What do you mean?"
"Have you forgotten already what profession AJ's parents are in?" Mallory snapped. "And how many enemies you've made? Granted not as many as there were before your coma. But still…"
"What do you mean by before?" Archer asked.
"We got a lot of bounties during your coma," Mallory explained. "Remember that I Hate Archer website?"
"No," Archer frowned.
"All they had to do was post a fake room number on that," Mallory went on. "Set up one of your cyborg decoys with sleeping gas. And when the assassins showed up…Bam!"
"Seriously?"
"Yes," Mallory glared at him. "They may be idiots but at least they know how to use a decoy properly!"
"How many enemies did they get?" Archer asked.
"I stopped counting at fifty," Mallory shrugged. "They even got Crazy Andrea."
"She's still alive?"
"And in a mental ward," Mallory told him. "Apparently her new medication is working. She hasn't sent off any threats to you for over a year."
"So, my daughter was just shipped off to boarding school without any thought about how I feel?" Archer shouted.
"Yes, Sterling," Mallory groaned. "That's what boarding school is about. What's best for the parents!"
"It was for you!" Archer challenged.
"Besides I don't even think she knows you're her biological father anyway," Mallory waved.
"WHAT?" Archer roared.
"Sterling she was barely three when you went into the coma," Mallory told her. "Of course, she may not remember you! Plus, Robert has been very good to her. They really bonded."
"You're saying another man is playing daddy with my child?" Archer shouted.
"How about your other child?" Mallory snapped. "Seamus? I think he has a new father last I talked to Trinette."
"Eh…" Archer paused.
"That's what I thought," Mallory snorted. "I think he's in boarding school too. Interesting you didn't say anything about that!"
"Lana still didn't have the right to just ship Abbiejean off!" Archer snapped. "God only knows what's happening to her at boarding school!"
"Sterling you have no right to pay the concerned parent card!" Mallory snapped. "During your Veronica Deane phase, you saw more of her than your own child! And I'm counting all the times you watched her movies and drooled over her pictures!"
"What?" Archer barked. "You're saying all of this is my fault?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying you idiot!" Mallory pointed at him. "Sterling if you want your life back you are going to have to work for it! I can only do so much! Why do you think I haven't given you an office yet?"
"I'm guessing it has something to do with the glare of the sun during April."
"It's because I want you to earn it!" Mallory shouted. "I'm tired of just handing you things and you not appreciating them!"
"I appreciate…stuff."
Mallory gave him a look. "Sterling if you cared about your family about half as much as you cared about your penis none of this would have happened! Your actions didn't just affect you! They affected me. Lana. Your daughter. Even the idiots missed you! Mostly. Do you think these past three years were just one big party?"
"I saw some of Pam's scrapbooks," Archer told her. "Including the pictures from your intervention."
"All right maybe there was some partying going on," Mallory sighed. "But there were a lot of hard times too! It's time we had a long talk about how your coma affected everyone! Especially me! And all because you're a thoughtless, insensitive…"
"Oh look," Archer said casually. "Here's my stop."
Suddenly he opened the door and rolled out into the street. "OW! OW! OW! Still better than listening to my mother! OW! OW! OW!"
"That's it," Mallory grumbled as the car drove away. "Next time he's in a coma, I'm going on vacation."
