followed my fears all the way down
I've been having a hard time adjusting.
I didn't know if you'd care if I came back.
I have a lot of regrets about that.
"I want you to stay."
Hours later, the words still echoed in her mind. In Hope's world, everyone left her in the end, everyone. It didn't matter who they were, the connection they shared, no one chose her. She looked over to the nightstand at the picture of her family and sighed. While she knew it wasn't entirely her fault, the guilt was still there, always there about her mom. Her dad, the great evil, except he wasn't to her. But sacrificing himself to give her a long life didn't seem so noble when she's lost her mother already. Elijah, her honourable uncle, her mother's epic love. He had once told her she reminded him of himself, conflicted, longing for an explanation or reason why she belonged. They were all dead, died in her name, in the name of love. And her other relatives, well they had their own lives. They all had their own families and Hope was only a small part of that. And while it was no one's intention and their causes were all just, everyone left her in the end. Everyone except Josie. She meant what she said, she missed everyone. The pit made her realize just how much these people, this school had become her solace. Everything here was the reason she stayed sane. While she didn't entirely regret her decision about the pit, she thought that maybe if she wasn't so much like her parents that she wouldn't have caused everyone so much misery. She meant what she said about not wanting to cause Josie anymore pain. Because that girl had been through enough and she never wanted to be responsible for the brunette's heartache. But then Josie took her hand and the whole world stopped, for just moment. Or rather she stopped remembering how to breathe. Josie told her the words she never thought someone would say to her and mean them. Josie wanted her to stay, to be a part of their lives. Josie wanted Hope around. And that created a whole other set of emotions she wasn't ready to face yet.
The realization about the brunette crept up on her so slow that it completely blindsided her when it finally struck. Honestly though, she really should've been paying more attention. But she was in love with Landon, or at least thought that's what it was. He was special to her, he wanted her and told her all the things she thought she needed to hear but his actions didn't quite match his speeches about them having an epic romance. Once again, things got too tough and left. And just like everyone else in her life, he made her a promise and then left her, alone.
The more she thought about it, the more obvious it became. The night they did black magic trying to find Landon. They weren't friends again yet, it was still too early. Josie was still to absorbed in following the others lead and not confident enough in her own skin to be as independent. But they weren't enemies anymore – although in her eyes, they never were to begin with – and it was a start. She knew Josie wanted to learn more about magic, especially dark magic, and she felt a little guilty manipulating her into it, but she needed to find him. If she wasn't so consumed with rage that night, she would've paid more attention to how soft the brunette's hands were. If her mind hadn't been filled with pain and anger, she would've thought about the heat that radiated from her body when they were touching, how right it felt to be next to the brunette.
Something shifted the night she knew about the fire, and it wasn't just the fact they were all friends again. She should've been pissed that Josie set the fire, effectively destroying her room, her friendship with them and one of the only tangible memories she had of her father. And she was, pissed and upset but not enough to hold it against the brunette. Her mind was too busy reeling at the fact Josie had a crush on her. Sweet, gorgeous Josie who was shy and hadn't quite learned how to ask for what she needed or wanted yet. It occurred to her that was around the same time she was harbouring her own secret crush for the brunette. But Hope had learned to squash it down when their friendship shattered and the twins started to shun her from their lives, cementing the fact that everybody leaves her life in the end.
The night she found Josie and Landon kissing devastated her beyond what she thought was possible, and considering all the heartache in her life, that was a difficult thing to do. Except, the reason it hurt so much wasn't entirely a thing she wanted to admit yet. She was crushed that Landon was with someone else, that he seemed to be able to be so happy with another. And she knew that it wasn't his fault but seeing him look at someone the way she would catch him looking at her, felt like a punch to the gut. But it wasn't just that. There was a small part of her that was jealous of Landon because he got to do the one thing she would never be able to without actually fucking everything up. He was able to kiss Josie, to openly fall in love with Josie and the realization of how that made her feel was terrifying. Because she loved Landon, he was wonderful and kind and patient but the emotions she had long squashed down about Josie crept back up further and further and she could no longer pretend they didn't exist. Out of all the people he could've ended up with while she didn't exist, it had to have been Josie. And that killed her, because the two people that made her feel like she was special and treasured had found each other because she wasn't standing in their way. And that's why she didn't tell them about who she was, about what they meant to her. Because she didn't want to hurt them, didn't want to stand in the way of their happiness, even if it killed her. There was a part of her too that was terrified if they knew the truth, it would hurt her more. Because if they were in the dark about who she was, she could eventually live with seeing them happy together. But if they knew, there was a chance that he wouldn't choose her, that he would choose Josie and she couldn't live with herself if that happened. Because that would be yet another person she let into her life who left her. And she wouldn't get the chance to be angry because it was Josie, her selfless, remarkable Josie. And then Josie would end up having to choose between their friendship or her relationship with Landon and she couldn't risk losing Josie again. Logically, she knew that Lizzie was right, that people weren't better off without her, that it would be okay in the end. But it didn't stop her from being conflicted about wanting to reveal herself or let them stay in the dark.
But then it happened, Josie did the most selfless thing that she was both terrified and hoping would happen. And it threw her in a direction she had no idea it would. Because Landon left her, left them and it hurt like hell but it didn't shatter her world life she was anticipating. And instead of being alone again, she still had someone. Josie didn't blame her for what happened or hate her. She knew that Josie was hurting, this whole thing was such a mess. And she wouldn't have faulted the brunette if she never wanted to speak to her again. Because it was her fault. If she hadn't gone into the pit, if everyone's memories hadn't been erased then Josie wouldn't be hurting and she wouldn't be hurting. Landon wouldn't have left them, again, and she wouldn't be feeling so confused. But once again, the outcome surprised her. Only now that her head wasn't so clouded, she was finally able to admit – at least to herself – just how much the brunette affected her. Even now, hours later she could feel how aware she was of the other woman next to her. She could admit that holding the brunette's hand felt right, like it belonged intertwined with her own. That the proximity of Josie lips so close to hers were magnetic and felt an overwhelming urge to cover them with her own. Instead, she pulled the other woman into a hug and relaxed when Josie hugged her back, just as tight. While she knew that there was so much baggage surrounding them, she took comfort in the fact she didn't have to carry it all on her own. Because everyone left her in the end, but someone had asked her to stay. And for now, that was enough.
And maybe I don't quite know what to say.
But I'm here in your doorway, I just wanted you to know.
That this is me trying.
A/N Based off of track 9 (this is me trying) in Taylor Swift's Folklore album. This song fits them so well, it's incredible. Thanks for reading, comments are always welcome.
