HOUSE OF ERRORS
Sydney Baker was a very important developer. And he looked it. He was a very heavy man, in a plain white suit with black tie and the ever-present cigar in his mouth that threatened to burn his red, bulbous nose. Baker was important enough to demand a team of architects from McMurdo Abbott, who, unlike their chief rivals, Quinton-Haggard Yates, were still in the business of designing private homes for the ordinary person off the street. Only Sydney Baker was going to be building thousands of homes based on ten sets of blueprints, an account that even the Quinton-Haggard Yates coveted.
Sydney Baker did not go to one of the conference rooms on the second floor, atop the curving escalator. Baker was dined at breakfast on the twenty-second floor, home of the executive dining room since the time the thirteenth-floor dining room closed. There was an executive lounge, auditorium, and squash courts. Above, on the twenty-third floor, were several more conference rooms used by the major officers of the company. This was where Baker met with one of the McMurdos.
This particular McMurdo, Arthur by name, was a wrinkled man, bald as an egg, with a smoker's cough. He showed up at the office, on average, about two days a month. He had officially hired Rory Keener, and was officially his immediate boss, not Rossetter. What this Mr. McMurdo really did was have his executive assistant assign jobs between the various architects, engineers, draftsmen and secretaries on the second floor. And hire and fire employees. But certain important people had to be met in person by old man McMurdo. Baker was one of them.
The room was panelled in mahogany with dingy old portraits on the wall full of frowning and long-dead company executives. Panels and portraits had been imported en-masse from the imposing Abbott-McMurdo Building downtown; torn down some fifty years before for a skyscraper. Some concessions though had been made to modernity, by way of an out-of-place whiteboard and a large screen for power-point presentations. They looked as much part of the room there had you set up a 60 inch TV screen and leather recliner in a pharaoh's tomb in one of the pyramids.
The room smelt of cigar and cigarette smoke when Rory, with his briefcase and blueprints, followed Rossetter and Beauchamp into the room. Rory hadn't a chance to talk to the two architects, who had studiously avoided Keener that morning while they discussed the "sell".
By law, it was illegal to smoke in Ontario workplaces. But neither McMurdo nor Baker were much concerned with the prospect of a fine, the company was far too important and paid far too many taxes. In fact, the rooms up here were all still decorated with fancy silver ashtrays from the days when people didn't know the deadly long-term effects of smoking, didn't realize the dangers of second-hand smoke, and fullly half the adult population indulged in the habit.
Rory didn't bring his inhaler, but stuffed a garlic clove in his mouth as he entered the room.
"Here's my team, Sid" said McMurdo casually, as he put out his cigarette into his ashtray.
"I'll be damned if you didn't assign me" said Baker gruffly, removing his cigar from his mouth, "interns."
"Of course not" said McMurdo. "Pete Rosetter, our team lead and head architect on the project. Mac Beauchamp, architect. Rory Keener, architectural engineer."
"Edna busy?" asked Baker.
"Five tower condominium complex" said McMurdo.
"Well, we'll see these three here" said Baker unenthusiastically, as he puffed his cigar. "Keener, was that garlic you were eating?"
"He's new here" volunteered Rosetter.
"Asthmatic?" asked Baker of Rory, ignoring Rosetter.
"Yeah" said Rory.
"That's what I like to see kid" said Baker to McMurdo.
"I'm 26" Rory objected, while everyone else but Baker took a deep intake of breath.
But Baker only laughed gruffly.
"Heh, heh, heh. At my age, Keener, everyone your age is a kid" Baker told Rory generously.
"No problem" said Rory, though he disliked being called a kid.
Baker again then turned to McMurdo. "The kid's a trooper. Just swallows some garlic instead of whining about the cigar. It was my old mother's remedy when my father smoked his pipe. Tobacco flavoured with rum. Takes me back."
"Small world. My father took his tobacco with cognac."
"I can't say I like the idea" Baker went on, pausing to cough. "Cognac? Give me a good Montecrisco any time. The flavour of Havana." Baker frowned. "Now, I'm a busy man. I'm here to see my Imperial model home, Art" said Baker. "Show me, Rosetter!"
The late arrivals sat down at the table, opposite McMurdo and Baker. Rosetter was proud, with black suit and tie carefully brushed. Beauchamp sat with his arms crossed, smirking.
Rory looked curiously on, in a characteristically relaxed way. He had still not seen the model home. Rory only knew, from the blueprints he read, that the roof was a "single slope". That it, it didn't peak in the middle, but peaked in the front and angled all the way down to the back.
Single-slope roofs were unpopular in Canadian houses. They could look cool, but snow load was a problem. Rory had written that in his report. It met minimum code, but . . . .
Meeting Natalie had made Rory forget his annoyance with Rosetter. Rory knew enough that with architects and even engineers (and Rory was both) that a project was often their baby. And it was one thing Rory knew working with people during his internship; it wasn't what Rory considered cool was what you put in a house. It was what people wanted. And what was comfortable to live or work in.
Or, with engineering, it could look cool but it had to do the job for which it was built.
Someday, there'd be people who'd hire Rory to make a cool design of his own. Full of cool features. But the design would still have to serve its intended purpose.
Rosetter, to Rory's opinion, spend a little too much time setting up the Blue Print Power Point program; a program that would let them look at blueprints on the screen. So much so, that McMurdo was about to order Rory to open the cylinder and provide the physical copy.
Finally, an illustration of the Imperial appeared. Along with first and second story floor-plan blueprints. Rosetter looked cringingly proud, Beauchamp looked smug.
McMurdo started coughing. Baker angrily cleared his throat, and began puffing his cigar at a furious pace.
Rory gaped at what he had approved, that had just met minimum code. Rory didn't know many people who would want to live there. Rory knew Natalie would hate it; in fact Rory was sure he didn't like it either.
In fact one thing about the illustration made Rory very angry. Rosetter had changed the roof without his approval.
Most single-slope roofs had a gentle slope. That was the point, to look cool (if you liked those roofs) and save money. This steeply sloped roof peaked at the front, making the house look like it was three stories. Except that while there were two floors bright blue brick, and the roof was red-coloured steel. No windows, no decoration, no nothing. It looked like a mechanical-penthouse you saw atop high-rise buildings, the levels that were filled with nothing but machinery.
The only practical reason for a house to have a roof like that was to fit solar panels atop it. But the back of the roof would have to face south for it to be any good for solar energy. And this particular roof wasn't strong enough to safely support several panels, as Rory well knew. Minimum code. There wasn't even any provision to carry the electrical power to the basement.
Rory guessed it was a trick, something Rosetter would use as a selling point if the house ever got on the market. Set up for solar panels! Some setup, put solar panels atop the roof and it would collapse unless it were strengthened.
Canadian houses weren't usually outfitted with round windows, making a house look like it was a crazily beached bright blue boat with small portholes. And Rory had never seen a house with round garage doors. There were two of them. They looked like giant mouse-holes only fit for compact cars. If that.
Rory didn't think it looked awesome nor cool. It looked lame, what a four-year old would draw with crayons. The windows were so small it was like living in a jail.
More importantly, the inside plan of the house was also whacked. Rosetter wanted an enormous two-story foyer, and stuffed a spiral-stairway right smack in the middle. Only three-feet of clearance around the sides. The owner of the house would be forever cursed to walk around that thing, and would have a miserable time taking furniture upstairs.
Rory did think it was cool how the staircase was only connected to the rest of the second-floor by a sort of balustraded bridge, but he saw instantly how much of pain it would be to have to use it day in and day out. And if you had kids, that thing was a nightmare to make safe.
The mouse-hole garage didn't have a door going directly into the house. Another pain.
There was a huge living room with fireplace on one side of the house, and kitchen and a dining room on the other. That was okay. But you had to walk around the entire house by way of the foyer to go from living room to dining room. After a second look, Rory realized that the living room connected to the kitchen. You just had to travel to through a washroom to get from the living room into the kitchen. And Rory wondered why the kitchen, the living room, and the washroom all needed back doors. Each shaped like a mouse-hole.
The kitchen was as far away as possible from the garage. Which Rory knew was a pain if you bought groceries.
The laundry room was in the basement. Which was normal, but stupid in a house that was over 3000 square feet. You'd need to go down two stories from the bedroom, and across the whole house.
There were a lot of round windows looking out the side. Which again, was mental, as Rory well knew, because this house was supposed to be built on the narrow lots found in a subdivision. The windows would be looking onto the houses next door. And the neighbours would be looking into your house.
Upstairs wasn't as crazy, though the hallway went past the doors to the five bedrooms, and then extended another fifteen feet to a dead-end. Well, Rory guessed that was because Rosetter had it terminate at one of his little round windows. The hallway was only three-feet wide, so Rory saw little point.
There was especially little point to the hallway, as the space was needed elsewhere. Rory could see at a glance that Rosetter had mis-measured the en-suite bathroom. The unlucky owner would have to step over the toilet to get to the bathtub.
"Whoah!" blurted Rory.
How many times had Rory been told in architectural school, and by his mentor, to know your buyer! And how many times had he been told, in both architectural and civil engineering classes, that first your building (or bridge, or road, or whatever) has to work!
It came dawning on Rory that as the engineer he was going to take a big fall, even if he had only made sure the blueprints were structurally sound (which it was, aside from the roof violating code).
As a kid, Rory would have blurted that he wasn't responsible. Try to get out of this. But he realized, gloomily, that as a grown-up he had to be the responsible adult. He had to take his lumps.
"Maybe Natalie can get me a job with her as a fellow teller?" thought Rory.
Rory was the only one who had spoken. There was a deadly silence. Rosetter and Beauchamp continued to look smug, oblivious to the looks of disapproval.
"Explain!" choked McMurdo, the blood rushing to his head.
"This sets a new standard in modern and sophisticated home design" Rosetter began pompously. "You see . . . ."
All through the explanation Rory held the stupid expression of surprise on his face.
"I was wrong to call you an intern, Rosetter" said Sydney Baker at last. "You're a damn imbecile. I'm selling these homes to people. Not an architect's magazine."
"No architecture magazine would feature this" choked McMurdo, who pointed his finger in Rosetter, Beauchamp and Rory's direction.
"Give me the actual blueprints for this monstrosity" Baker said.
It was Rosetter and Beauchamps who now had a stupid expression of surprise on their faces.
Rosetter, Beauchamp and Rory each had copies of the blueprints. The architects were too dumbstruck to move, so Rory produced his copy.
"No, I changed it since then" said Rosetter. "His copy is out of date."
"What the hell are you talking about?" said Baker.
"Friday" volunteered Rory reluctantly, "Pete Rosetter asked me to go over the key bits of engineering. He redesigned the roof since then. A much higher pitch. Uh, he made a mistake. The high-sloping single slope roof isn't to code.
"Yes it is" said Rosetter indignantly. "You don't know what you're talking about."
"Yeah, I do!" said Rory angrily. "The snow's going to slide off that roof onto the backyard. You step out the backdoor at the wrong time you're going to get murdered by an avalanche."
Unfortunately, Rory got carried away here and forgot he was a grown man and trained professional. Rory foolishly acted out being hit by a roof-load of snow, ending with him gagging and putting his head on the table. Baker looked at McMurdo with a raised-eyebrow. McMurdo just shrugged.
Rory quickly recovered, and went into a number of technical details about slope, pitch and snow-load.
"Why the hell didn't you review the whole design?" said Baker. "Just the key pieces of engineering? Hand me your papers, Keener. I want to read your blueprints. Oh Keener, better skip the acting."
"I'm not an actor" said Rory, obliviously.
Baker gave Rory a glance made comical by the fact Baker had perched a pair of half-rim reading glasses atop his bulbous nose.
"Heh, heh, heh" said Baker, as he read Rory's notes of the extensive problems in the minimum code blueprints he had reviewed. "You're a terrible actor but a good engineer and architect.
"Mr. Keener is one of our key new talents" said McMurdo in reply, cradling his fingers. "Unfortunately, I had placed Rosetter as team lead due to his greater seniority, and he failed to utilize Keener's multidisciplinary talents in this project. No doubt in a mistaken wish to avoid duplication of effort and avoid adding to your costs, but . . . ."
A strange change had overtaken McMurdo the moment he discovered Rory hadn't been the creative force behind the "Imperial". The redness in his face faded, and he now sported a calm, almost sly expression. McMurdo had a way to save the account. He had a fall-guy. Two fall-guys. And Rory wasn't one of them. In spite of Rory's crazy pantomime. All that proved was that Rory was dedicated, if a little weird.
Not that Rory noticed McMurdo's strategy. But Rosetter and Beachamp did. And so did Baker.
"So, Rosetter, you didn't want Keener taking any of the credit?" said Baker, with his low growling laugh. "Heh, heh, heh. What are you running here, McMurdo, a nursery school?"
"10% off our usual fees" said McMurdo abruptly.
"25% reduction" said Baker, as he glanced over Rory's notes. "And I want Keener the new head of the project. He had a great grasp of the essentials of the work."
"Deal" said McMurdo. "Keener, I'd like you to go over the blueprint from top to bottom. People like having you work on their houses."
The shock on Rosetter's face was priceless.
"Architects don't like guys reworking their plans" Rory said, as he realized that this offer was an insult to his co-workers. "I mean, with a . . . few changes, this can be an awesome house . . . if you build it on a lot out in the country."
"Shut up about my masterpiece, you bastard" muttered Rosetter.
Nobody heard him but Beauchamp, who nodded agreement. And Baker.
"Heh, heh, heh" he laughed, drawing on his cigar.
"We'll save your design Rosetter" said McMurdo sardonically. "In case anyone wants their house to drive them insane."
"On my blueprints, however, we can start with adopting Keener's plans for proper insulation" said Baker, courteously putting out the stub his cigar. "Not to mention that sump-pump. I expect I'll be here for some time now!"
To make a long story short, Rory fixed the "Imperial". It even looked "Imperial." The house was extended in front. The living room on the side had a bay window in front. The garage had one large door for both cars. And above the foyer, reduced to one-and-a-half floors, was a study which looked out upon the street from dormer windows. The study had a half-flight of stairs of its own. It rested on stone columns, sheltering a new-front porch.
Rory pointed out you could put the access to the attic in that room. There would be nothing there, just trusses and insulation, but it did make the space easy to access.
The original single-slope roof was replaced with a hip and valley roof. The foyer lost the spiral staircase for a standard set of stairs with a landing. The round windows and mouse-hole doors disappeared.
You could get from the garage directly to the new laundry room and kitchen. And you didn't have to travel through the washroom to go from living room to kitchen, and you didn't have to worry someone stepping in from outside.
And Baker approved of the luxury home having another staircase connecting to the dead-end hallway upstairs. Rory added a skylight and a closet for the hallway instead of extending it to a window. And you didn't have to step over the toilet to use the bath in the master bedroom's bathroom.
Rory, looking at the plan with the eyes of a newly engaged man, added an (insulated) door from the Master Bedroom to the smallest bedroom.
"Only an idiot would do something like that" laughed Beauchamp. "No one has doors from bedroom to bedroom anymore."
"If there's a baby, you might want to" said Rory. "And doors lock."
"Brilliant, Rory" said Baker. "I bet you're a married man?"
"Engaged" said Rory. "Just yesterday."
Rory didn't notice Rosetter's sneer, or Beauchamp's look of surprise.
"Congratulations!" said Baker. "Close enough! Heh, heh, heh. Who's the lucky girl?"
"Natalie Crete."
"I wish you and your bride the best" said McMurdo pompously.
"I can tell you'd love to put in a secret room or secret passage" said Baker.
"You want one?" said Rory eagerly.
"No, they don't sell" said Baker, "Heh, heh, heh. You know that as well as I. But it's a damn deal better than porthole windows."
Baker seemed to enjoy the new, heavy-looking mansion-like house. It wasn't too creative, as there were others similar to that on the market. But as Baker told Rory, it was good enough to stand above and beyond the others.
"We can pick this up next week" said Baker. "We're hoping to have shovels in the ground early next year on my first development to use these new plans. I think I'll get Rory here on the team doing the engineering for the road and drainage too. You're qualified, aren't you?"
"Yeah, I'm qualified for almost anything an average civil engineer" said Rory, bragging a little.
"Consider him on the other team as well" said McMurdo. "I'll tell my nephew."
"Great" said Baker. "I want my advertising campaign ready for the end of September."
"No biggie, Mr. Baker" said Rory. "Ten plans, we already have three, we can talk to you about what you'd like in the townhouses and the other house plans. I know Mac is already done your Bungleloft."
"So long as it isn't a bungled-loft, heh, heh, heh" said Baker.
"Don't worry. Mr. Keener will be reviewing all plans."
Rory followed the two architects out of the room, while McMurdo and Baker had further discussions on the contract.
"It went okay, didn't it guys?" said Rory, as he followed Rosetter and Beauchamp down the hall.
Rosetter and Beauchamp looked at each other, but didn't say a thing.
"Do you want to hear about my fiancée?" asked Rory, as he hurried after them. "You wouldn't believe how I met her. I was just going to go to the Single Tear concert I told you about!"
Rosetter and Beauchamp reached the elevators. Rory followed, obliviously telling them about the casino, the Star Wars jackpot.
The two architects went into the elevator without a word, Rosetter pushing the door close button.
"Hey dudes, push the door open button!" said Rory.
Rory was held by the doors, but fortunately (as Rory well knew), modern elevator doors retreated back when they met an obstruction.
"Going for burritos, dudes?" asked Rory cheerfully, as the elevator went quickly down on its way to the lobby. "Guess that's why you're not going to the second floor? Man, we sure got out of that screw-up, didn't we? But I think the porthole house has potential if you make a few changes, Pete."
Pete didn't say a thing, he didn't get a chance as the elevator stopped at the thirteenth floor. The door opened to a view of the metal desks and armed engineers guarding the entrance to the archives.
"Hey Edna, Orson!" said Rory.
"Didn't expect to meet you" said Edna. "Just picking up some files."
Edna Williams was a thin woman of about sixty, with grey hair tied in a bun. She held a number of files, and was looking them over. She was an expert in the field and had designed many large buildings. She was accompanied by Orson Bates, one of the armed engineers, with sunglasses, a security guard badge on his black suit and a large steel briefcase. And a revolver. A special Order-in-Council permitted McMurdo Abbott armed guards.
"Congrats Rory" said Orson Bates, punched Rory on the shoulder hard enough to stagger him. "On the files and the engagement. You're a lucky man Keener."
"And Natalie's a lucky girl" added Edna.
"How do you know?" asked Rory, as he stood up again.
"We hear anything we want in the main offices and the conference rooms" said Bates cryptically. "Only you private offices and the washrooms are beyond us."
"I remember" said Rory, with a shrug. "The signs everywhere saying you're on video and audio tape."
"Mostly to look for corporate espionage" said Bates with a yawn. "But listening in on a high level meeting is a perk you get in return for never getting to design anything. We had an office pool. I won!"
"What office pool?" said Beauchamp.
"How much Arthur McMurdo would have to strike off our fee to keep the Baker account" said Bates, with a sinister grin. "25%."
"And I stayed to listen" said Edna, looking at Rosetter. "Good luck with your porthole house. It's a good thing your father is Roderick Abbott's dentist or you'd be out."
"Some people just don't know genius" said Rosetter sulkily.
"I'll tell you something else, Keener" said Bates. "Skip the second floor and go straight down to the lobby."
"How come?" asked Rory.
"Trust him" said Edna. "We'll take back your blueprints."
"I'll even carry porthole house back to your offices" said Bates.
"Go to hell" muttered Rosetter.
Edna Williams left on the second floor, Orson Bates carrying her files. Finally, the elevator opened on the lobby, leaving Rory and the others with a view of the petite blonde waiting patiently in one of the chairs by the security desk.
"Natalie!" said Rory.
"That's Natalie!" said Beauchamp.
"I thought she'd be a real dog" muttered Rosetter.
Luckily, Rory didn't hear him.
"Enjoy your burritos dudes" said Rory, carelessly, looking behind at the scowling Rosetter and Beauchamp.
Rory gave Natalie a kiss.
"I showed the manager and the tellers" said Natalie. "And the manager, she even gave me the day off. I took the GO train down here to surprise you. We can go up to my parents tonight . . . together."
"This calls for a big lunch, a lot better than burritos. I'd like you to meet my coworkers. . . I guess they're gone."
Rosetter and Beauchamp had gone out a back exit, and headed sullenly to the burrito restaurant.
"I swear, Mac, I'm going to destroy that asshole" said Rosetter. "I'll get Keener out of here if it's the last thing I ever do."
"I'm with you Pete" said Beauchamp. "The hell I'm ever going to be working under Rory."
"The question is how" said Rosetter. "He's flying high now.
"The way I see it" said Beauchamp. "We humiliate him and get him to quit. Or we frame him and get him fired."
"Or we frighten him into quitting in humiliation" said Rosetter, with a sneer. "In way that can't be traced to us. Or something Orson Bates and his glorified security guards can't track. I think I might have an idea. But we'll have to wait a few weeks before we can do anything."
"That's right" said Beauchamp, through gritted teeth. "Old Man McMurdo and Butterball Baker will be on to us if anything happens to their newest star anytime soon."
