HOME ON THE ASTRAL RANGE
Webster's defines astral projection as "the ability of a person's spirit to travel to distant places."
In short, the wild and crazy idea that someone could travel outside their body as sort of living ghost!
Ethan had first accomplished this as a teenager, when "summoned" by Jesse to the woods outside Whitechapel. He had managed to be in two places at once, to Jesse's shock.
Ethan had figured out how to do it on his own, first year of university. It impressed Benny and Rory as really cool, but Ethan hated it. He looked real enough, but if he wasn't careful he intangibly passed through walls and once (nauseatingly enough) walked through a person.
Ethan had very little reason to send his living ghost, his spirit, or was it in fact his soul (?) from place to place, so he didn't.
And Ethan wasn't expecting to do it that day. He was in fact expecting some R and R. He had spent the entire day inspecting an abandoned subway tunnel with a team of engineers; the idea was to see how many hundreds of millions it would take to press it back into service. The Mayor of New York said it was a top priority for better service; really, it was because the existing subway tunnel tended to shake up his man-cave when he was watching T.V. or working out in the basement of the mayorial mansion.
So Ethan, showering off decades of accumulated grime, expected a relaxing evening with Sarah.
"NO!" he said, as he read Benny's letter.
"What?" said Sarah, as she had pulled out the dinner, Lasagna from the oven. "I told you we were doing Italian tonight? I made it yesterday afternoon when I had some spare time. And it's not Benny's grandmother's recipe. I don't think many butchers sell dried pancreas."
"No, not that" snapped Ethan, in something of a quiet fury as he read on. "Rory."
Sarah thought that only one thing could have happened to Rory that could make Ethan furious. And she knew what it was.
"Natalie dumped him?" Sarah guessed.
"No! Honestly, Sarah, it's true love. But someone . . . tried to kill Rory" said Ethan. "And it's nothing supernatural . . . ."
"What?" said Sarah, it was her turn to be harsh.
The lasagna was eaten without much enjoyment. The good news, of course, was that Rory was okay, only "INDISPOSED" (Benny's had sneeringly italicized and capitalized the word). But the idea he was nearly murdered by someone who wanted to take advantage of his asthma was surprising.
"Rory looks at that as his kryptonite" Ethan told Sarah in a bitter tone. "Way before I met you, when we were little kids, he hated his asthma. That morning after he became a vampire, his asthma clearing up was practically the first thing he told Benny and me."
"I'd stick to the inhaler" said Sarah
"No kidding" said Ethan, and he waved through his smartphone. "I wish we could help find the fracking bastard who did that to him. If it's okay with you, I'm going to get the first plane home."
"Whitechapel?" joked Sarah. "You can't exactly catch a flight there from La Guardia."
"You know what I mean" said Ethan.
"I'd go with you" said Sarah earnestly. "If I could drop everything . . . and maybe give a few drop kicks. But I can't leave until next week. Why don't you just try a vision?"
"If Rory had sent me a photo . . . if Benny had sent me a photo!" said Ethan bitterly. "Wait a minute . . . I'm getting something . . . . ."
Benny's living room was set up like a home theatre. He had shelves of video games and Blue Rays. Of course, Blue Rays were a little old school, but Benny liked to have the classics at his fingertips.
Some people thought the 70 inch screen TV was too much, as it took up a whole wall.
Benny did have some books in the room, comics and Be A Man which he had read unfailingly since he was fourteen (and gave Benny most of his dating tips). He also had one of the globes which opened up to show a minibar. It used to be in his home office, but it seemed out of place between the engineering papers and plans and the locked cupboard with magic books and gadgets.
Benny placed the record player on a table in his living room, with the "Home on the Range" record facing him.
"Lame, Rory" Benny said as he figured out how to work the vinyl. "Okay, easy. Now, let's see Rosetter fall into my trap."
Benny punched his fist into his open hand, sending off a burst of electro-magic charge.
"I'll watch that" said Benny vainly. "It's been awhile since I used a lot of my power. It's not easy being the coolest spellmaster in the world."
"You're crazier than Rory" said Ethan suddenly, making Benny jump in fright.
Ethan was standing by the door, looking very annoyed.
"Ethan!" said Benny, making a quick recovery. "You're here. And in astral form? It's been almost two years since you used it!"
"Yeah" said Ethan, walking over and looking at the record player in puzzlement. "To prevent you from killing this guy Rosetter. You can't kill human beings like you do monsters."
"Really?" said Benny, in a voice dripping with sarcasm. "You came here to tell me murder was wrong? Yeah, Ethan, I didn't know that! Seriously, buddy, I was just going to get some info out of Rosetter."
"How?" asked Ethan. "You know I can't see anything when I'm like this."
Ethan demonstrated "like this" by letting his hand go transparent, putting it through the wall, and bringing it back with a grimace.
"I still think it's cool" said Benny.
"You're not the one who's the ghost" said Ethan. "But what are your plans?"
Benny hesitated, and cleared his throat.
"A little torture" said Benny.
"Benny!" said Ethan. "Man, I don't even know why you have these powers."
"It's not that bad. You see, I'm going to play Home on the Range."
"Seriously?"
"That's not all . . . ."
Ethan hated the plan. But he was sold, when Benny pointed out one solid fact:
"Think of Rory choking, almost coughing himself to death in his office, only because Rosetter thought he was too cool to work under Rory."
"I was" said Ethan. "Okay, Benny. The man deserves it."
Benny and Ethan shook hands.
Rosetter was in a bad temper. Not because he feared the investigation would reveal his part in the plot, alongside Barb. Nor was the fact that his pal Beauchamp suddenly decided he would take a job with a company in South Korea, as if he wanted to get away real fast. No. Barb had told him it was best they didn't talk anymore. He had been feeling like having a night on the town to celebrate Rory's "removal" from the office.
But instead, Benny Weir, Rory's best friend at work, had assumed control of Rosetter's project. And Benny had ordered Rosetter to go over the details of all plans. Rosetter was steamed! Benny was licensed as a structural engineer; which meant that although he did most of his work on infrastructure, he was qualified to supervise the building of the project.
"I want you here tonight" Benny had written, rudely. "I have all evening to get up to speed on what's going on. I didn't come back from the High Arctic just to snooze in the office. You have until 7 o'clock. Bring all the plans. Paper. No PDF's."
So, when Rosetter arrived, arms full of blueprints, he was brusquely ordered in.
Rostter's face was already red with anger when he found himself in Benny's living room, looking at Benny and Ethan Morgan.
But he managed an oily tone nonetheless.
"Welcome back, Mr. Morgan" said Rosetter. "I didn't expect you on this project.
Ethan nodded coldly, which wasn't really his style. But Ethan struggled as to what he should say. It had been awhile since he had to be polite to an enemy. Polite to creeps, yes, but not enemies.
"I'm back for Rory's wedding. And to visit with my family. Sarah's coming next week. Have you talked to Rory after his . . . accident?" said Ethan at last. "I know you were working on the Baker project with him."
Rosetter broke into laughter.
"Like I'd call to see how he's doing. Like I'd care."
It wasn't exactly the thing to say to calm down Rory's friends.
"What do you think?" said Ethan, looking daggers at Benny.
"Now what I'd call the actions of an exactly innocent dude" said Benny, in a growl. "Ostium clausum" he added, punching his fist into hand, more out of anger than any need to do so.
The door to the condo locked, double locked, and the chain on the door fastened. All with a terrible screech.
"I used too much power" Benny said to Ethan.
"Better than too little" said Ethan.
Rosetter jumped in surprise and dropped his plans.
"I'm only going to ask this once, Rosetter" said Ethan coldly. "Did you have anything to do with the dust bombs in Rory's office."
"No, of course not" said Rosetter arrogantly, as he stiffened. "But, I'm telling you, I hate your crazy friend and I'm relieved he's quitting the company."
"Since when?" said Benny. "He's looking forward to going back to work and finishing the last couple blueprints before his wedding."
"Just a rumour" said Rosetter placidly. "I wish I had been there to here that geek coughing and sputtering."
He laughed again.
Unconsciously, both Ethan and Benny tightened their fists.
"What are you going to do, report me?" said Rosetter mockingly. "You know that we can say whatever we want about our fellow workers outside normal office hours."
"That's it, Ethan" said Benny. "Even if he didn't do it . . . ."
"Just so you know" put in Rosetter, who put up his own fists. "I was on my school's wrestling team. 220 weight class."
It was Ethan and Benny's turn to laugh.
"Okay Benny" said Ethan.
"Why?" joked Benny. "Because he's an ex-jock?"
"No" retorted Ethan. "Because he's slime. And I can picture Rory coughing and sputtering . . . ."
"Okay, Rosetter" said Benny. "You're going to be lucky to make the 2 pound weight class. Abhorrent, et reducere eum ad decimam eius magnitudine.
The next thing that Rosetter knew was that Benny had again angrily punched his fist, and suddenly, Ethan and Benny began to tower over him as Rosetter felt he was being drawn down toward the floor.
A few seconds later, Rosetter, suit, leather shoes and all, was reduced to a few inches in height and looking up at Benny's spare pair of running shoes. As for Benny and Ethan, they were giants.
"Help me!" screamed Rosetter. "Help me!"
"Now that I've done it" said Benny, in a booming voice, at least to Rosetter's ears, "I feel sort of guilty."
"Let's just get this over with" said Ethan. "Do you have a net?"
It didn't matter. The miniature Rosetter fainted away.
When Rosetter awoke, he found he couldn't get up. Instead he found himself somehow pasted down upon a giant record on an enormous turntable.
The giant heads of Ethan and Benny looked down upon him from opposing ends of the tables.
"Help!' Rosetter yelled. "Help!"
"First you help us" said Benny. "Did you place those dust bombs in Rory's office?"
"Of course I did" said Rosetter.
"Why the frack did you do it!" said Ethan
"Frack?" said Rosetter scornfully.
"You know what he means" said Benny roughly.
"To get rid of him" said Rosetter. "He showed me up, the weak little geek."
"Weak little geek, huh?" said Benny coldly, looking at Ethan.
"So, are you going to turn yourself in to the police?" said Ethan. "And tell them the whole story?"
"No" said Rosetter. "But . . . how did you get so tall?"
"How did you get so small?" replied Benny dryly. "Believe it or not, Grandma says it helps if you're a small person to begin with."
"Really?" said Ethan, interested. "Small in character?
"Uh-huh"
"That's amazing. I'm telling Sarah."
"What about me?" said Rosetter.
"Did anybody help you?" said Ethan.
"I'm not talking" said Rosetter.
"Okay" said Benny. "You asked for it."
The record started spinning, and the giant heads of Benny and Ethan seems to spin in the miniaturized eyes of Rosetter.
To Rosetter's ears, unbelievably loud music began to play as the record began to spin about.
A voice started singing in a tone that was ear-splittingly loud.
"OH GIVE MEEE A HOME . . . WHERE THEEE BUFFALO ROAM . . . AND THEEE DEER AND THE ANTELOPE PLAY-AY."
The cowboy singer warbled the song.
"This record sucks" Ethan complained. "Rory sung it better on the Wagon Train."
"You better hurry up Rosetter" said Benny coldly. "That needle will split you in two. It's not as cool as the laser Goldfinger used on Bond, but it's going do."
Benny looked at Ethan with a wink. Ethan nodded.
Rosetter had been pasted to the middle of the record. The needle would automatically lift up at the end of the grooved part of the vinyl disk, before it tore Rosetter in two. And even if it didn't, Benny was prepared to stop the machine.
"WHEERE SELDOM IS HE-ARD, A DIS-COURAGING WO-ORD. AND THEEEE SKIES ARE NOT CLOU-OUD-OUDY ALL DA-AY . . . .
HOME, HOME ON THE REE-ANGE . . . WHEERE THE DEER AND THE ANTE-LOPE PLAY-AY . . . WHEERE SEL-DOM IS HEEERD A DIS-CORAGING WOOORD . . . AND THEE SKIES . . . ARE NOT . . . CLOUDEEE ALLLL . . . ."
"I confess" said Rosetter hurriedly. "I"ll tell the police. And Barb was with me."
"My secretary?" said Benny in surprise, as he stopped the record.
"Yeah" said Rosetter. "It was her idea to make Rory deadly sick. I was just going to put a bunch of dust in room to make him know he wasn't wanted."
"Did you know that Rory's inhaler had been tampered with?" asked Benny.
"Huh?" said Rosetter.
"Okay Rosetter" said Ethan cooly, "Tell this to the police, or you won't ever bring yourself up to size."
"But you won't remember a thing" warned Benny, "once you leave. Restore his size and give him temporary amnesia but keep him to his word Restituere magnitudine sua, et dare eum temporaria amnesia sed custodiant eum et verbum eius. Oh yeah. Doorus unlockus.
Benny picked up Rosetter by the collar and set him on the floor. None too soon, Benny was just in time to save the record and the player.
Rosetter wiped off the dust from his clothes and walked out the door in a trance.
Both Ethan and Benny looked at one another and breathed a sigh of relief.
"I don't like doing things like this to an actual human being" said Ethan. "Never again!"
"No way, even though the guy had it coming and was in no real danger."
"And Rory was" Ethan put in.
"I'm not even going to go after Barb" said Benny, who was now literally shaking. "This torture takes a lot out of a guy. In the movies it looks okay. So, when you will in town . . . for real."
"Tomorrow night" said Ethan. "I can act as courier after-hours and have McMurdo and Abbott pay my plane fare."
"See you buddy" said Benny. "Say hi to Sarah for me."
And with that, Ethan disappeared.
"I can at least catch up on these blueprints" Benny observed, as he picked the papers up off the floor where Rosetter had dropped them.
Benny gave a shudder as he sat next to the record player.
"Maybe I need a drink."
