On a stage for a TV show, with A HAPPIER HUNTRESS written in colorful letters on the back wall. Four empty podiums are set up on stage right. In the center, REN and NORA are seated at a desk, smiling to the crowd. The far side is cloaked in dramatic shadows, concealing a SHADOWY FIGURE, seated on a chair. The lights come up and the hosts both smile.

NORA: Hello and welcome, people of Mantle, to our show…

CROWD: A HAPPIER HUNTRESS!

NORA: Yes! The only dating show that guarantees a date to one of Mantle's heroes! Tonight, one lucky lady will walk away today with a date with our… MYSTERY BACHELOR!

Spotlights illuminate around, but not actually lighting, the SHADOWY FIGURE in the corner. He does not move.

REN: Yes, our mystery bachelor is a real catch who is being kept secret from both our audience and contestants to build tension.

NORA: It is definitely not Jaune!

REN: Nora, I have a note from the producer here that suggests we engage in some witty banter before the show starts. Considering that you are our sole producer, what did you intend with that?

NORA: Well, there was also another card that said we should just kiss a whole bunch while we wait for-

REN: Moving right along, Nora, tell us a little about our contestants today.

NORA: Thanks, Ren! They're the only contestants this show could possibly have! The four of them have been protecting Mantle against the Grimm, against governmental neglect, and against the sinister machinations of General Ironwood. Also, they weren't really doing anything today and had time to be on our show!

REN: Yes, Nora. Our contestants today are some of the most eligible bachelorettes in Mantle. Let's see what people are saying about them.

Crossfade to a Man On The Street style interview, the first featuring PENNY standing on the sidewalk, very happy to be interviewed.

PENNY: As the formally recognized Protector of Mantle, I think the Happy Huntresses are simply sensational! ...Can we do another take? I'm not sure I came off as natural in-

Crossfade to an annoyed WEISS trying to eat breakfast.

WEISS: Nora! Get this camera out of my face, I told you I didn't want to be on your show!

Crossfade to TYRIAN at a bar, currently shooting pool.

TYRIAN: Huge fan, I have all their merch and Joanna once [raises shirt to show long abdominal scar] gave me this beauty!

Crossfade back to WEISS.

WEISS: Nora, I'm not kidding, get that camera-

Crossfade to HARRIET, in the midst of a battle.

HARRIET: Wait, the Happy Huntresses? Are you seriously- what possible answer were you expecting me to say when you're asking me what I think about-

Crossfade to WINTER, clearly ambushed as she is exiting a cafe.

WINTER: [Blushing] Wha-what are you asking me to- what have you heard? Are people saying that I- I'm not in a rela- I have no comment at this time! I- I've never even heard of- TURN THAT CAMERA OFF!

Crossfade to IRONWOOD at his desk, speaking to military officials and gesturing at a map.

IRONWOOD: We'll move a detachment to the south to try to- [Looks up] What- what are you doing here? How do you even keep getting in-

Return to the show.

REN: Clearly, any man would be lucky to have a date with one of the Happy Huntresses, which makes the premise of our show, where they compete for the affections of a mystery man instead of vice versa, deeply confusing.

NORA: Indeed! This show was very ill conceived.

REN: It's a wonder we're still going through with it, but it seems that we are.

NORA: Yep! And now it's time to meet our contestants! You may already know them, but you've never seen them on a dating show! Give a warm welcome to our first contestant… ROBYN HILL!

ROBYN: [waving] Hello, Mantle! I'm thrilled to be here!

REN: Interesting note, but as a lesbian in a committed relationship, Robyn has no interest whatsoever in our bachelor and is only here to 'support her girls.' She will be making no attempt to win, and is, in fact, only here on the condition that she can't.

NORA: A daring strategy, befitting her reputation as the fearless leader of the Happy Huntresses. But don't count her out yet!

REN: She has asked us to count her out already.

NORA: Well, we'll see how it plays out.

REN: She is also the elected Council Member representing Mantle, and is hoping the success of this might encourage more film production within her district.

NORA: And yet, she would not give us a tax credit for this show. Moving on to our next contestant—someone who's impossible to overlook, in spite of her Semblance! Please welcome to the stage… MAY MARIGOLD!

MAY: [Walks directly to her podium without acknowledging the audience] Alright. I've studied everything there is to know about dating, and I am here to win. At all costs.

NORA: Love that attitude! Wrong energy for the show, but there's plenty of it!

REN: May was the only contestant to, when answering our pre-show contestant survey, staple several pages of additional materials to it, including a forty-five hundred word essay on the history of dating.

MAY: I did my homework, and I think you'll all see that in the competition.

NORA: I'm sure we will. Now, our next contestant hails from-

Loud music starts blaring from behind the stage

NORA: What's this? Could it be? By the gods, that's-

JOANNA: [Entering with a boombox over her shoulder] JOANNA GREENLEAF IN THE HOUSE! [She flings her boombox to the ground, shattering it and starts shadowboxing]

REN: In contrast to our previous contestant, Joanna answered none of our questions and instead submitted a crude illustration of herself bench-pressing a trophy.

NORA: She very nearly clinched it before the show even started. Give it up, folks!

JOANNA: [Flexes] I'm gonna give this 120% and CRUSH dating like I crush everything else! HOOAH!

REN: Joanna also requested there be a Crossbow portion of the competition and offered to shoot an apple off my head as a demonstration. We declined.

NORA: A sad loss. But now, for our last—and most reluctant—contestant... You know her… You love her… The ewe for you! It's FIONA THYME!

BEAT

NORA: [Grabbing a shepherd's crook] Ren, I'm gonna go encourage our contestant real quick-

ROBYN: Come on, Fiona! I know you can do this!

MAY: You're going to do way better than you think you will! I know it!

JOANNA: We're supporting you all the way!

REN: I can assure you from personal experience, Fiona, it is much easier to just play along and get it over with.

FIONA: [Shuffling onto the stage] I, um, I just… [Briefly grips podium, turns] I'll be going now. I don't- I don't belong up-

FIONA attempts to leave, only to be stopped by ROBYN, who gives her a hug.

ROBYN: You're gonna do great, hun, don't worry.

FIONA: [Blushing] Th-thanks, boss.

NORA: And I have the facts for this contestant: Fiona is here because she has a huge crush on-

REN: [Quickly interrupting his co-host] Let's get this show started. First question! For our first date, what would-

Buzzer goes off

NORA: And May buzzes in! Which is interesting because this is not a buzzer-based show!

MAY: I brought my own. Analysis of major dating trends suggests that the optimal first date would begin with dinner at a high-mid priced restaurant. Ideally, Valean cuisine. Will consider Mistralian. We will split the check exactly 50/50. From there, we will go dancing at a-

JOANNA: [Hollering] BUZZZZZZZZZ!

NORA: Again, not a buzzer based show! But I like the energy and improvisation, keep going.

JOANNA: [Slams palms on podium] Underground. Kickboxing. League.

NORA: How are you so good at-

REN: Anything more than those three words?

JOANNA: [Taking a moment to contemplate] Then we… crochet? I haven't really thought it through past the kickboxing.

NORA: Still, an excellent answer. Robyn! Falls to you to follow that up!

ROBYN: Well, when I'm planning a date, I prefer to keep things light and casual—my girlfriend and I, we're both in demanding careers that mean when we're off the clock, the last thing we want is anything fancy and formal. So for a date, all I want to do is Netflix and chill.

BEAT

NORA: Could… could you elaborate on what that means, Councilwoman Hill?

ROBYN: Of course! We just wear sweatpants and comfy clothes, lie back on the couch and binge some TV shows together! It's quite relaxing. [MAY whispers in her ear. ROBYN blushes, furiously] It- it what? I didn't- I couldn't- I- I- I would like to retract my answer!

NORA: Fiona! The bar is lowered. Give it a shot!

FIONA: Um… I would, I would- [Blushes] C-can I use Robyn's answer? B-but what it really means-

NORA: Oh-ho-ho! A surprising turn in the first round as literally everything you might have expected has gone head over heels—just like our bachelor is surely feeling towards these fine ladies!

REN: We are one question in and the show's format is already dangerously close to collapse. Let's see how we handle the second. Nora?

NORA: Thanks, Ren! Okay, ladies—this is a modern dating show, looking to cast aside outdated notions of how men and women relate to each other. We're overturning old assumptions and embracing the new! So I ask: If you were an emoji, which emoji would you be? Robyn, you're up first.

ROBYN: [Recollecting herself from her previous answer] I actually have a funny story for that. When running for the Council, I faced an uphill battle against my wealthy, well-connected opponent. And yet, I found that the people of Mantle were stronger than any amount of money—they just had to hear what was at stake and what I was fighting for. We found that social media enabled us to reach those people, and through regular updates and engagement, I started to develop a real connection with my voters and future constituents. And every time I posted a picture, there was one emoji that I saw, over and over again, until it became a symbol of my promise to Mantle. So if I had to be an emoji, it would be… an eggplant.

BEAT

REN: I don't… I don't know if we… can explain what that-

ROBYN: Oh no, did I- [MAY whispers in her ear] THAT'S what it meant?

NORA: Um, maybe we should-

ROBYN: [MAY whispers more] Wait, and it doesn't mean "Motion I'd Like to Forward?" Then what does it mean?

REN: We will return after these messages.


NORA: And we're back from our commercial break!

REN: Likely not too interesting, considering this show has no sponsors.

NORA: Even though Weiss has plenty of money to sponsor us! But I'd like to start by fully apologizing to Councilwoman Hill for teaching her what "little pogchamp" means over the break.

ROBYN: [Grubling] I just thought people were excited for democracy…

NORA: But we're gonna just power on through that and move on to the-

JOANNA: Swimsuit round?

MAY: No, it's the Talent portion. I spent all night perfecting my cosplay for-

FIONA: Is this when we- we kiss the bachelor?

REN: Did any of you read the treatment?

NORA: No, I like these ideas. Discard whatever we were planning and let's mash all three of them together!

REN: [Mimes putting his hand to an invisible earpiece] I, um, I'm hearing from our producers that we're gonna just go on to-

ROBYN: Who's the bachelor.

NORA: I- what?

ROBYN: [At the end of her rope, there is no humor in her voice] I want to know. Turn up the lights. Show us the bachelor.

NORA: Ah, well, haha, I mean, that would defeat the whole point of the show if we-

MAY: I- I've narrowed the list of potential bachelors to three candidates and have optimized my appeal to a general assumption that they would be-

JOANNA: [Squinting] Is there a bachelor? I don't think that guy's moved since this show started...

FIONA: You t-told me it was Jaune…

Agitated noises from the CROWD. Evidently, promises had been made to more than just Fiona.

NORA: [Laughing] Come on, guys! What, do you think I just put a mannequin in a poorly lit corner to hide the fact I couldn't get anyone to-

MAY: That does sound like you, yes.

NORA: What? You think I can't intimidate someone into being a participant in my hastily assembled gameshow? Have you met Magnhild? We've been making Jaune do things he didn't want to do since-

FIONA: [Perking up] It is Jaune?

JOANNA: I was specifically promised someone with a job.

NORA: World-saving hero is a job!

JOANNA: What, is that ghost wizard who's living in a teenager's head paying into your 401k?

NORA: Wanna take this outside?

JOANNA: Hell yeah I-

NORA lunges. JOANNA catches her on the assault, and soon the two of them are trading punches on the floor. Nobody particularly reacts to this wholly ordinary and familiar event.

ROBYN: Just… just tell me it isn't Qrow.

REN: Can we wait for Nora to finish before this becomes my problem?

MAY: Well, it's either Jaune, Qrow, or Marrow. I don't think I've ever seen them hang out with any other guys. [Sudden flash of inspiration] Wait, no! I wasn't thinking of the villains! Or- or people I don't know! Or Ren! Did I get- have I been outwitted? [Panicking] There's- there's too many variables! How can I-

JOANNA: [With NORA in a headlock] It's okay babe! You've got this, just breathe and think through your- OW! Did you just bite me? You little goblin! That's totally against the rules of-

NORA: No rules, anarchy reigns!

FIONA: I was promised Jaune would be here.

REN: I can assure you Ms. Thyme, you do not need a gameshow to pursue that man. You just… need to talk to him, like, once. He is not in high demand. [Sighs] Do not understand how this is the second time in my life I've had to have this conversation about the same guy.

ROBYN: Can somebody just turn on the lights and show us the bachelor? I need to hurry up and get home to block a whole bunch of people from seeing my social media posts.

NORA: [Being suplexed] NOOOOOO! Blake, as producer, I forbid you from bringing up those-

JOANNA suplexes Nora as the lights go up, revealing… JAUNE, firmly and copiously duct taped to a chair. FIONA lights up. May groans, burying her face in her hands. Robyn shrugs.

JOANNA: Ugh, so close! Could have sworn it was a mannequin. But- [Is tackled from behind by NORA]

REN: Well, um, I guess this is a wrap for-

FIONA: NO!

Everyone is surprised by the outburst. Even NORA and JOANNA stop fighting, but not before each get one last punch in.

FIONA: I- I mean… I came here to compete. And it took a lot of courage to put myself out here and I have only answered one question so far! So I'm- I'm going to give it my all and I am going to win!

REN: But there's- there's no show to-

ROBYN: Fiona's right! I may not have expected how today would turn out, but I came here for one reason: to support the girls who've always had my back! And that means we still have a contest to play out!

MAY: I don't accept losing easily, but I'd rather lose to one of my closest friends than deny her a chance to compete!

JOANNA: [Stretching] And I got my fistfight, so I can't turn around and see my homegirl not get a shot at what she wants.

REN: But there's no… there's no game if you all want Fiona to win, I'm not sure-

JOANNA: Hell yeah, Fiona!

MAY: Show 'em what you've got!

ROBYN: You're my little- wait, no, I know what that means now!

FIONA: I can do this!

JAUNE: [Mouth covered in duct tape] MMmf-mmmMFFF

NORA: Wow. [Wipes away a tear] That's… that's so inspiring that I… it makes me remember why I first wanted to make a dating game show, so many yesterday ago… After all, why do we want to see women competing against each other on television if not to see them all come together, supporting each other, and helping their friend achieve the grand prize?

REN: I think most game shows actually don't-

NORA: REN! Tell us who won!

REN: Isn't- doesn't Jaune get to pick the-

NORA: REN!

REN: Um, I guess, uh… well, Fiona wins, then.

The CROWD erupts in applause. RUBY and YANG enter, handing a shocked FIONA a bouquet and placing a tiara on her head. The rest of the HAPPY HUNTRESSES applaud with genuine happiness for their friend.

FIONA: I- I never, oh, [tears up], I never dreamed I could win...

NORA: Congratulations Fiona! You may have made some powerful enemies today among the housewives of Mantle, but tonight, you have what they don't! Enjoy your trophy! [Gestures to JAUNE]

FIONA: Oh, thank you, thank you, everyone… I couldn't have done this without you all. [Begins wheeling JAUNE offstage] It's all so… so incredible!

ROBYN: That's our girl!

MAY: Make us proud!

JOANNA: I better not hear from you for a week!

JAUNE: [Struggling against the duct tape] MMMMF-MMFF-MMMMM!

FIONA exits with JAUNE in tow. ROBYN wipes away a tear as everyone continues applauding.

NORA: And that was our show! I hope you all enjoyed this story of love, democracy, and kidnapping, and don't forget to tune in tomorrow, where we'll be asking the question: does Maria like anything? We better hope for Qrow's sake, as he's suspended over a vat of hungry piranhas, that the answer is: yes!