Dear Sirius,
I don't even know why I'm writing this letter. I don't think I'll ever send it. Can you even send letters to prisoners in Azkaban? It would surprise me.
I guess I'm just writing it to give myself some closure, or to be able to finally make sense of all my confusing thoughts and feelings. Or maybe because I keep thinking of things I want to tell you. Perhaps this way I can get them out of my head.
It's funny how you're the only person I want to talk to right now, the person I need to comfort me; but you're also the cause of my pain, the reason that my life will never be the same again.
I went to Dumbledore a few days after Halloween, to ask him where he'd placed Harry. With the Dursleys, he said. You know, Lily's sister Petunia and her husband, Vernon. Remember how much James hated them? Remember the times Lily cried in the common room after receiving yet another letter from her sister, telling her she was a freak? And that is the household where Harry will grow up. Lily and James would never have wanted this. They would have wanted him to be with you, Pads. But you know that, of course.
I would have offered myself, but... Well, you know what is wrong with me. I would only endanger him. And besides, who would hire someone like me? James isn't here to help me with money anymore. I might not be able to provide for myself, let alone a toddler.
Little Harry has become famous. The Boy Who Lived, they call him. Because he is the only one to ever survive the Avada Kedavra-curse. He is the reason Voldemort has disappeared, or so they say. Everyone knows his name – which means they know James and Lily's names too, and yours, and Peter's.
I went to your house, by the way, two days after Halloween, to retrieve some of my things. I took a few of your personal possessions too – I figured it was better than it being destroyed, sold or given to your mother. I just took the stuff in the bag you kept ready for if you suddenly had to leave. A few pictures, your two-way mirror, a jacket, a Gryffindor scarf, an extra set of clothes, an extra wand you took from a Death Eater. The pictures were the most interesting. There was one of us – James, Lily, Peter, you and I – a few days before graduating. It's weird; the picture was taken only a few years ago, but we look so much younger. We are laughing and fooling around, but you can see the war in our eyes. You can see the grim dedication on James's face, the readiness in Lily's stance, the fear in Peter's eyes, the sadness in mine, the nerves in the way you fumble with your tie. And yet we were still so full of hope. A small wish to change the world in our hearts. And now three of us are dead, and the other two will probably be soon.
It's been two weeks since Halloween, since the night my life changed forever. The war is over and yet I feel more miserable than ever. Because even when we were fighting and everything we knew was getting destroyed, even on the nights I turned into a raging monster and hurt myself so badly I almost died, you were there by my side.
Yesterday was a full moon. Did you realize? This was the first full moon I spent alone in years. It left some bad cuts on my neck and shoulders. When I woke up, I felt horrible and disgusting. I hated myself, and it will only get worse. I can't do anything against it. I'm going under, I'm sinking, and you're not here to pull me up, or James, or Lily. I'm alone. In a way, it was worse than before I went to Hogwarts, because this time I knew it could have been different. I had gotten used to the safety. I shouldn't have thought it would last. I shouldn't have trusted people, should have stayed alone, like I initially planned. It would have made everyone happier and safer, including me. I can't let anyone close to me again. I'll only end up hurting them.
It hurts so much. My days are emptier than ever, now that the people I love have suddenly been teared away. You're gone. James is gone and Lily is gone and Peter is gone. I won't have anyone like you ever again.
It was beautiful while it lasted.
I will need to forget about you, but the wounds you left will never heal, Sirius. The impact you left was too deep. I lost all my friends in one night two weeks ago. That's too much to bear for anyone. I will try to go on – I have to, because otherwise I would let you win – but I don't know if I'll ever be okay again.
Love, Remus