January 1, 1982

Dear Sirius,

I can't stop thinking about you, all alone in a dark cell in Azkaban. I know I should, but I just can't. They say most prisoners are insane after the first few months. They often die within the year, that is, if they are not too strong. But I know you are strong, Sirius. You will survive. I'm not sure if that thought should make me happy or sad.

I didn't send the last letter – I won't ever send it – yet I'm writing a second one. I can't seem to forget about you, can't seem to ban all the thoughts and feelings and memories from my brain, can't seem to let it go.

You're a traitor and I shouldn't want to have anything to do with you, I shouldn't even want to remember you. Your very name should disgust me, fill every vein in my body with hate. But it doesn't, and I can't hate you.

Why?

Why did you do it?

That's the thing I keep thinking of, every day and every night. The Sirius I know – the Sirius I thought I knew – would never betray his friends. He would rather die. So what happened?

Were you under the Imperius curse? Did he torture you, read your mind? But when Dumbledore explained the curse during the Order meeting, he said that the information has to be given up voluntarily. And besides, they imprisoned you. They would never do that if it wasn't your fault. So it must have been your fault, Sirius. You must be to blame for my best friends' deaths.

I miss them. James, his goofy grin and his mischievous eyes, the way he ran his hands through his hair to make it seem like he just stepped off his broom, the way he looked at Lily and Harry and you and me. I miss his overwhelming love and presence.

I miss the way Lily smiled when she just learned something new, the way she held Harry to her chest, the way she laughed harder than all of us at puns and silly jokes, the way she'd threaten to hex anyone who messed with her friends.

I miss Peter, who was always there. I miss his hot chocolate, his nervous, shy smile, the way he looked at you and James like you could change the world.

And it turned out, you did. But not in the way I expected.

The thing is, I miss you too, Sirius. I miss the way you would trace my scars with your fingers, the way you would play with my hair, the way the tip of your tongue came out of your mouth when planning a prank. The way your presence always made me feel safe and secured. You and James were my first friends ever. You know that.

Thanks to you, there are none left. I have the other members of the Order, of course, but it's not the same. Frank and Alice have gone insane – tortured by Death Eaters. We don't know if they will ever heal. They left a child, Neville, just as old as Harry, but he won't be famous. His parents won't be remembered like James and Lily will be. A lot of our friends died the past months. You know about most of them, though a few died after you were imprisoned. Do you care? Would you still care if I died?

Two months ago, I would have said yes, without a shadow of a doubt. Of course you would care if your friends died. You would personally hunt down the killer and take revenge, even if it took you years.

It was nice to know someone would do that for me. It was nice to have someone who cared about me, no matter what I am. There's no one like that left now. All my friends have died, except for you – and you are the reason they are dead. I don't know what is worse.

I want to stop thinking about you. I want to forget you so badly. I hid all pictures with you in it, but I couldn't destroy them. They mean too much to me. It disgusts me that even after you killed my friends, you still mean so much to me.

The thing is, I need you. I need you so badly. I need your arms around me, need you whispering in my ear that it will be okay, need you stroking my hair, giving me chocolate, being strong when I can't be.

Life is going back to normal again, and the Wizarding World has started to heal from its wounds. The last Death Eaters are being caught. Snape has had a trial too, but all charges are dropped, as he was a spy for Dumbledore, apparently. Lucius Malfoy has had a trial as well, but he told everyone he was under the Imperius Curse and his charges were dropped too. I wonder how much gold that cost him; they are very hungry for Death Eaters to punish. They want revenge for everything that has happened. It's almost scary.

Anyway, I got myself a job. It's nothing special and the payment isn't good, but there isn't a big chance of them finding out about my condition, so I might be able to keep it for a while. It will keep me alive. If only I had somebody to live for.

How could you be so cruel? You killed your friends. You made me happier than I'd ever been and then took it all away. You broke me for good.

Love, Remus