Of unsent letters and broken hearts

by teenagerwritingfiction

A series of letters Remus wrote to Sirius and vice versa between 1981 and 1994. They both know that they'll probably never send the letters, but they write them anyway. They're the only Marauders left, they've just lost two of their best friends, their lives have been changed forever; so they seek the comfort of the person they love the most, even if that person is unreachable.

4. Sirius to Remus: 4

Dear Remus,

I just realized my sad piece of parchment has a back I can write on as well. You'd laugh at me if you were here. I can almost hear it. I'm dying to hear laughter again.

It's horribly cruel, having to be stuck here forever, or at least until I die. You know how much I hate being locked up. It feels like having to stay at Grimmauld's Place all summer again, except that this is much worse and much lonelier. And there isn't even anything to look forward to. I won't walk outside of this building again. I won't step onto a train and high-five James and ruffle Peter's hair and hug you and tease Lily. This time, I'm stuck here for good.

I don't even know how long I have been here. The days slur together like a drunken man's words.

Sorry. That was a horrible metaphor.

See how I'm going mad already?

I think it's been three months, give or take one. All of those days spent in this little square of darkness and self-hate. I try not to think of you and the others, because I don't want the dementors to tarnish those memories, but it's hard. The only thing keeping me alive is the knowledge that I'm innocent and that I have a godson out there, but it's hard, because I probably won't ever leave this place alive, and because you won't want anything to do with me. Yet still I hold on to this life, because it's the only thing I can do.

Well, time to address the elephant in the room. Can you call it that if I'm the only one that can see it? I feel its presence all the time, its angry little eyes on my back, telling me to tell you. So I will.

I think I'm in love with you, Remus, although it's hard to know for sure when I haven't really felt happiness or love since Halloween. But I know something was growing between us. Your presence made me happy, one look from you made my stomach imitate James's Quidditch moves, your smile started feeling like hot chocolate on a Christmas evening. And your absence was always noticeable, starting to become less bearable every day.

How fortunate that I ended up being sentenced to a life stuck in this shadowy place without you.

I don't even know if this letter makes sense. My thoughts don't make sense to me. The dementors are standing – flowing, maybe – next to my cell again; they came when I started thinking of your smile. Their coldness is finding its way into my head and the screaming voices are taking over again, hijacking my thoughts. Yes, the dementors are good at making sure that my mind stays imprisoned too.

Alright, alright, I'll stop thinking about the boy I love.

I don't waste time or thoughts dreaming about what could have been; it would give the dementors more things to use against me. So I just force myself to think about what did happen, about the reason why we will never be more than just you and me, me and you, never us.

I'm running out of paper, I'm afraid. I'll apologize in advance, because when you read this, I'll be dead and you'll have to suffer again, because this letter will rip open your old wounds and bring back the grief I caused.

I'm sorry, Moony. I never meant to hurt you.

Love, Sirius